


now and forever

by waveydnp



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Coming Out, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sexual Content, Sexual Identity, Slow Burn, Strangers to Friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-04 21:21:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 83,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11563572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waveydnp/pseuds/waveydnp
Summary: dan needs somewhere to live after his first year at uni. phil needs a flatmate.@dizzy asked for a super long modern day au slow burn getting together fic and i agreed with her so hard i decided to write the damn thing myself





	1. Chapter 1

“When are you going back to Reading?”

 

Dan is lying on his bed in his comically tiny dorm room. He’s hiding under the covers, wilfully avoiding revising for his end of year exams by talking to his… friend, Rain. His long legs are crunched up uncomfortably in the cramped space, mobile phone squashed up against his ear.

 

“I’m hoping not to have to, not for more than a few days. I’m trying to find somewhere in Manchester to live for the summer, actually.”

 

“Oh…” She says quietly. He can hear something pained on the edge of her voice. He tries not to think about it. He doesn’t want to hurt her, but the thought of going back home to his parents’ house and seeing everyone from his old life for an extended period of time is about the worst thing he can imagine at this point. It’s easier to lie and say you love your law courses and you can’t wait for year two when you don’t have to make eye contact or force a smile.

 

“When’s your last day of class?” She asks, her tone returned to its normal cadence.

 

“Tomorrow.”

 

“Dan!”

 

“What? It’s fine, there’s still exams. I don’t have to be out of the dorms for like, another couple weeks.”

 

“You have a couple weeks to find a new place to live…” She sounds horrified.

 

“Yeah?” He honestly hadn’t given it a ton of thought until this very moment, but he isn’t about to admit that to her now.

 

“You know that’s like, definitely not enough time, right? Why do you always do this?”

 

“Do what?” He’s just playing dumb now. He knows exactly what she’s talking about. They used to fight about it. A lot.

 

“You know what, Dan. Leave things to the last minute. Put things off until it’s basically impossible to get them done properly.”

 

“That’s just… what I do, right? You know that.”

 

She sighs. “Yeah. I know.” She sounds like she wants to say something else, something more—maybe something she’s been wanting to say to him all year.

 

Because they’d never really had that conversation. There had been no dramatic fight or tearful goodbye. They’d both gone away to their respective universities and never bothered to properly break up. Dan had put it off because that’s what he always does. He avoids things until they go away. Their relationship hadn’t survived the separation, maybe because long distance is hard, or maybe because Dan just hadn’t wanted it to. He still isn’t really sure. He loves Rain—he’ll always love her—in a way. She was his first love. His only one, really. He likes knowing that she’s there, someone who knows him well, maybe even better than he knows himself sometimes—a little ghost of his younger, simpler self he can turn to whenever he wants to hide from the person he’s becoming.

 

But he doesn’t miss her. Not in the way he knows he should. Not in the way a boyfriend should miss his girlfriend. He can’t really pinpoint when she went from being his girlfriend to being his girl friend, but by now they’ve settled into an unspoken and only slightly uneasy understanding that they just hadn’t been right for each other in the end.

 

If he hears the whispers of lingering questions in the space between her words sometimes, late at night when they’re on the phone and she’s too tired to keep them tucked away, he pretends he doesn’t hear them. He can’t answer them. He doesn’t know how. He wishes he did—wishes he could just love her the way he used to, the way she wants him to, so that he wouldn’t even have to try.

 

“So what’s your plan, then?”

 

“Uhh…” He’s thinking desperately now, scrambling for something, anything to say to indicate he’s given it even a modicum of consideration. “There’s a bulletin board in one of the halls where people can post adverts and stuff… I was gonna check that out.”

 

“Oh, right.” She clearly doesn’t believe him. “When were you planning on doing that?”

 

“Uhh…”

 

“How about you go ahead and do it right now.”

 

He starts to protest. “Don’t wanna get up—”

 

“Dan. Just do it ok? Do it for me. I don’t want to have to worry about you any more than I need to.”

 

“Ugh, fine,” he huffs, dragging himself out of the cozy cocoon of sheets and blankets. He doesn’t ask her what she means about worrying. He is, after all, the master of avoidance. “I’ll call you back?”

 

“You better. I’m serious.” He can tell that she is.

 

He pulls on a pair of sweats and a hoodie and heads out into the maze of dimly lit, low-ceilinged corridors, with their exposed brick walls and pipes. He honestly cannot wait to get out of this hellhole. At this point it feels no warmer or homier than a prison.

 

He walks for ten minutes before he finds the bulletin board, impressed with himself for even remembering it exists, let alone finding it again.

 

As if by some act of cosmic destiny, which Dan has to remind himself he doesn’t believe in, the first piece of paper his eyes land on is a handwritten note that reads:

 

_Looking for someone to share my 2 bedroom flat, 14 th floor apartment, nice view, clean (most of the time), nice flatmate who will make you coffee in the morning and play video games with you. Call Phil if interested :]_

 

Dan chuckles and enters the number into his phone. It doesn’t sound too bad and at the very least it will get Rain off his back. He quickly sends her a text.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: found something. do i have to call him now or can i wait til tomorrow??_

**_Rain_ ** _: text him!! might be too late to call but text is probably ok.. call me after!_

 

He types a message for Phil, his seemingly quirky potential flatmate.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: hello, is this phil? i’m possibly interested in renting a room… my name is dan_

 

He puts his phone in his pocket and turns to head back to his room. He jumps a little when his phone buzzes not thirty seconds later.

 

**_Phil_ ** _: hi dan!! that’s great! do u wanna come check the place out? maybe tomorrow?_

 

He seems nice enough over the phone at least. Probably not an axe murderer.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: sure. when should i come?_

**_Phil_ ** _: whenever is good for you is good for me. i’ll be home all day_

**_Dan_ ** _: ok. i have class til 2, i’ll stop by after that.. what’s the address?_

 

Phil the friendly stranger sends Dan the address and he puts it in his phone. So far so good, he thinks.

 

He finds his way back to his room and folds himself right back up into bed. He pulls his phone out somewhat reluctantly and dials Rain’s number. Something in her voice tonight is making Dan feel uneasy, like they might be arriving at a sort of turning point, and he doesn’t know if he’s ready for expressing emotion and sharing feelings yet. Or ever, come to think of it.

 

“How’d it go?” She answers on the first ring and doesn’t bother saying hello.

 

“Good. I’m going to check the place out tomorrow.”

 

“Brilliant. Will you tell me about it after you see it?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“K, thanks,” she says quietly. Dan thinks she sounds nervous. “Dan?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Why don’t you wanna come home?” She asks, her voice small and soft. “It’s not… because of me is it? Because of… us?”

 

He knows he can only give himself a moment to think before she takes his silence the wrong way. He wants to say no, but it wouldn’t be the truth. Not the whole truth anyway.

 

Before he can answer she continues, “Because, like, you don’t have to worry about me or anything. I’m doing ok. I’m doing good, actually.”

 

He doesn’t know what to say. It isn’t what he expected to hear from her.

 

“It’s… it’s not like—” Dan starts to protest.

 

“Look, I know… things are kind of… weird. Between us. It’s all been like, confusing and not great. And you are the bloody worst at talking about things.”

 

“Rain—”

 

“No, it’s fine. It’s who you are. I should know that by now. I just… I don’t want it to be weird forever. Because I care about you, still.”

 

Dan is silent. He really doesn’t want her to confess something to him that he can’t reciprocate. He doesn’t want to hurt her. Again.

 

“But not in the same way I used to,” she says.

 

“Huh?” He needs to get out of his own head and listen. He’s losing track of where they are in this conversation.

 

“I don’t want you to think that you can’t come home to Wokingham. I don’t want you to think you need to avoid me because I’m heartbroken over you, Dan. Because I’m not.”

 

“I… I didn’t think you—”

 

“You did. I know you did. I mean, I kind of was at first. I was confused. You never said you didn’t want me anymore, but eventually I could just tell you didn’t. I wish you would have talked to me, but I know that’s not really what you do.”

 

She pauses, giving him a chance to talk, but he still doesn’t know what to say. He feels like a real asshole all of a sudden.

 

“I want us to be friends. Proper friends. Because I’m here at this school, away from home and no one knows me like you and something’s happened that I really want to talk to someone about. So I need you to get your head out of your ass and be my friend, ok?”

 

“What’s happened? Are you ok?” His heart is pounding all of a sudden.

 

“I’m fine. I said I’m good, remember? Something good’s happened and I want to tell someone who cares about me. That’s still you, right?”

 

“Of course, Rain. Always,” he says, and he means it. He’d never stopped caring about her. He doesn’t think he ever will. “Please tell me.”

 

“I met someone,” she says and Dan can practically see her smile radiating across her face.

 

“Oh,” he says, waiting for a feeling of sadness or loss or jealousy that never comes. For him, that’s practically unheard of. “That’s great.”

 

“Is it weird? It is gonna be weird to talk about this with me?” She asks.

 

“I… don’t think so. I mean, maybe a little, at first. But I’m sure I’ll get used to it quickly.”

 

“Because,” she says slowly, “you know, if you’ve met someone… if you met someone… when you got there, and that’s why you… I mean, if there was someone else… you could tell me.”

 

Now he feels a twist of something approaching anger in his gut. “You think I cheated on you?”

 

“It’s not as cut and dry as that, Dan, I know that. Things have been hard for you. I’m trying to be like, mature about this, you know?”

 

“I would never do something like that to you,” he says forcefully.

 

“Ok,” she says simply, but Dan can tell that she’s not convinced.

 

“I wouldn’t. I didn’t. I promise. I haven’t even really looked at any girls since I left Reading.”

 

“What about… not girls?” Her voice wavers slightly.

 

He feels like the air has been sucked from his lungs. “What? What does that mean?”

 

She sighs. “Nothing Dan. It doesn’t mean anything. I have to go. It’s late and I have class tomorrow. I’ll talk to you later ok?”

 

“K,” he mumbles and hangs up before she can say anything else. He plugs his headphones into his phone and shoves them down over his ears roughly.

 

He wants to drown out her words as quickly as possible. He doesn’t want to think about them, because he knows what she means. He’s known for a while that there may be something truthful behind those words. And he’s not ready for them, not ready to analyze what they mean and why they’re there and how they will change him.

 

A very small, inconvenient, traitorous part of him wants to call her back immediately and ask her how the fuck she knows. How does she know something about him that he hasn’t even really acknowledged yet? How could she ask him about something that is still only a flicker in the back of his mind?

 

Not tonight, he tells himself, turning the volume up on his music until he can feel the vibrations in his bones. Definitely not going anywhere near that tonight.

 

It only takes a few minutes before he feels guilt bubbling up in his throat like acid. Rain has been nothing but understanding since day one. She put up with Dan’s overdramatic, emo teenage bullshit for three years and still hadn’t given up on him when he had ostensibly given up on them, without so much as a “hey, I’m over you, sorry.”

 

**_Dan_ ** _: hey. i’m sorry i’m such a cunt. i’ll try really hard to pull my head out of my ass. i want to be proper friends too_

**_Rain_ ** _: i know. i shouldn’t have pounced on you with this all at once. basically i just want you to know you can talk to me. even if it’s hard.._

 

He knows exactly what she means, but he’s still definitely not ready to even think about having this conversation, especially with his ex.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: ok, thanks. you too. do you wanna tell me about your new boyfriend?_

**_Rain_ ** _: yes. i really do. not tonight tho. gotta sleep. call me tomorrow after you see the flat?_

**_Dan_ ** _: k_

 

He proceeds to stay up til 3am as usual, only falling asleep when he can’t physically keep his eyes open any longer.


	2. Chapter 2

He sits in an uncomfortable chair under some truly heinous fluorescent lighting, only half-trying to listen to his last lecture of the year. If he’s honest with himself, all he’s really trying to do is stop himself falling asleep on the desk. He doesn’t even remember the name of this class. He clings to the glimmer of joy on the horizon: no more lectures or dorm rooms or shitty cafeteria food for a whole summer. He’s desperately hoping this Phil guy will be decent enough that Dan won’t have to replace lectures from professors and his small dorm room for lectures from his parents and his own cramped bedroom in Wokingham.

 

It’s not like he’s not smart enough to dig his way through the endless monotony and tedium of a law degree. He knows he could do it if he really wanted to. But that’s the problem—he doesn’t. Instead of taking notes and doing research, he reverts back to his primal Dan instincts of procrastination and self-doubt. He spends his nights trolling Twitter and watching YouTube until his vision is blurry and his hands are numb and he can fall asleep quickly without allowing his mind to wallow in unfulfilled dreams and wasted potential. It’s a miracle he’s even made it _this_ far, he thinks.

 

When the class finally ends, he pulls out his phone and sends Phil a text.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: my class is over, is it cool if i head over there now?_

**_Phil_ ** _: definitely :]_

 

*

 

He pushes the lift button for the fourteenth floor and giggles when the poshest voice he’s ever heard says “going up.” So far, everything he’s seen looks nice. He feels cautiously optimistic.

 

He knocks on the door. The person who answers looks shockingly like Dan himself, only much shorter. Same haircut, same brown eyes, same pre-pubescent-looking face. Maybe with better eyebrows. The stranger doesn’t say anything, just crosses his arms and looks Dan up and down unapologetically.

 

“Uh, hi. Phil?” Dan stutters.

 

“No.”

 

“Oh, shit, I must have the wrong address, I’m so sorry—”

 

“Charlie? Is he here?” Dan hears a voice call from behind the door.

 

“Yeah,” Dan’s look-a-like answers without taking his eyes off Dan.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me!” The voice protests, and the door opens wider to reveal a tall, black-haired man. “Dan?”

 

“Yeah…”

 

“Hi! I’m Phil, nice to meet you. Sorry about Charlie, he’s leaving now,” Phil says, giving Dan’s doppelgänger a dirty look. “Bye, Charlie.”

 

“Be good, Philly. He’s cute.”

 

Dan chokes out a nervous laugh and watches as Phil’s face goes red.

 

“Oh my god, I’m sorry,” he mumbles into his hands. “GoodBYE.” He pushes a laughing Charlie out and closes the door firmly after Dan steps inside.

 

“I’m so sorry,” he says again. “That’s my friend Charlie. He doesn’t know how to behave like a human being.”

 

“It’s alright,” Dan says, hands shoved in his pockets. This has definitely gotten off to an awkward start.

 

“So, I guess I’ll show you around? Or should we like… get to know each other or something?” Phil seems flustered. He keeps pushing his long fringe out of his eyes with ever so slightly shaking hands.

 

“Uh, I think that’s up to you, mate,” Dan laughs. “It’s your flat after all.”

 

“Right. I’ve never had to do this before, I don’t really know how it all works.”

 

“Me neither,” Dan says smiling. “Why don’t you show me around.”

 

“Ok,” Phil says and he looks relieved that Dan has taken the initiative to move things along.

 

As Phil leads him from room to room, Dan is honestly surprised by how nice everything is. He starts to panic a little because he realizes he hasn’t asked how much the rent actually is. When he timidly asks, the number Phil responds with surprises him.

 

“Really? That’s it? This place is so nice.” They’re stood in the lounge, looking out the large window that overlooks the city. There’s even a little balcony.

 

“Yeah. My parents told me I had to get a flatmate if I want to keep this place,” Phil replies sheepishly. “They’re helping me out while I try to find a proper job.”

 

“Oh, right,” Dan says politely, though he still doesn’t quite understand.

 

“I mean, not that I mind or anything, it’s not like I’ll hate having you here,” he says quickly. “It’ll be nice not to be alone all the time. Maybe we can even like, play games and stuff. Charlie hates that kind of thing so I usually just have to game by myself…”

 

Dan smiles. Phil is nervous and rambling and Dan can’t help but find it endearing. So far, it seems that living here with Phil would be about a thousand times better than going back to Reading.

 

“What games have you got?” Dan asks.

 

Phil proceeds to list just about every game Dan has ever played, let alone his favourites. His eyes widen.

 

“I think we’ll get along ok,” he chuckles.

 

“So you’re a student, then?” Phil asks, leading Dan into the kitchen.

 

“Yeah, unfortunately. You?”

 

“No, I graduated from York last year. Hence, looking for a proper job. Want a Ribena?” He asks, opening the fridge.

 

“Sure, thanks. What did you study?”

 

“Oh, a bunch of stuff that makes me sound like a pretentious git,” Phil says as he pours the red liquid into a glass and hands it to Dan.

 

“Can’t be worse than mine,” Dan says darkly, accepting the glass and taking a drink.

 

“Let’s hear it,” Phil says.

 

“Law.”

 

Phil winces. “Doesn’t sound very fun, to be honest.”

 

“It’s not, trust me. Your turn.”

 

“English language and linguistics and then video postproduction and visual effects stuff. There was more in the middle but I’m ashamed enough as it is.”

 

“Why? That sounds brilliant,” Dan says and he feels a little spike of envy in his chest.

 

“It was pretty fun. Mostly I was just terrified of having to leave school and ‘become a man.’ The longer I stayed in school the longer I could put off figuring out what I want to do with my life,” Phil says. He’s leaning against his kitchen counter, arms crossed. Dan notices then that his socks don’t match: one has sharks, the other dogs.

 

“I don’t know what’s worse for me, continuing with studying law or leaving school and having to find something else,” Dan admits. “Both are terrifying. I could have an existential crisis right here if I think about it too much.”

 

“Well we don’t want that,” Phil smiles.

 

“Actually, the bedroom looks like it has a nice patch of carpet for me to lie face down on, crying and regretting all my life decisions so far.”

 

“Or, you could just hang out with your new flatmate?” Phil says earnestly, and Dan wonders how someone he’s known for about ten minutes can feel so familiar to him.

 

“So what do you think?” Phil asks when Dan’s been quiet for just a little longer than is typically socially acceptable.

 

Dan looks at him thickly. “Of what?” He asks finally.

 

“The place!” Phil laughs, sticking the tip of his tongue out between his front teeth. “Do you wanna move in with me, Dan?”

 

“Oh, right,” Dan says, blushing. “Yeah, definitely, if it’s ok.”

 

“When can you bring your stuff over?” Phil asks, beaming.

 

“Oh yeah, stuff. Don’t have too much of that, if I’m honest,” he admits.

 

“That’s ok. All you really need is a bed and your clothes. I think I have everything else you need in a house.”

 

Dan looks at Phil in awe. They’ve literally just met and he already feels like a friend.

 

“Uh, I can probably bring my shit over once my exams are done and I go home and get my bed.”

 

“When’s that? And where’s home?”

 

“I’ll have to… get back to you on that,” Dan says uneasily. “Haven’t actually checked the schedule yet. And Reading. Wokingham, specifically.”

 

“I knew you were Southern, with that posh accent.”

 

“I’m not posh!” Dan protests, his voice rising alarmingly in pitch. “I’m just… articulate.”

 

“Ok Dan,” Phil giggles. “Well, your new room will be here waiting for you.” His smile is blinding, his eyes scrunched up with the intensity of it. Dan thinks he could get used to this kind of happiness sleeping in the room next to him. He finds he can’t wait to live with this sunny almost-stranger.

 

“Great. Thanks so much, Phil. I guess I’ll… call you? When my exams are over?”

 

“Yeah, definitely.” He pushes off the counter and says, “Are you busy right now?”

 

“Uh, no, not really,” Dan replies.

 

“Wanna play Rock Band?”

 

*

 

By the time Dan returns to the dorms and gets around to calling Rain, it’s the middle of the night.

 

“Hello?” She says groggily.

 

Shit, she’d definitely been asleep.

 

“Hey, it’s me.”

 

“Dan?”

 

“Yeah,” he says, trying to sound apologetic.

 

“What the fuck? It’s one in the morning.”

 

“I know, but I said I’d call you when I got back from seeing the flat,” he says, as if it’s a perfectly reasonable explanation.

 

“Yeah, I meant like, right after, not that you should wait until I’m definitely sleeping.”

 

“Sorry, I wasn’t really thinking I guess. But I didn’t wait.”

 

“What are you on about?” She yawns.

 

“I just got back,” he says quietly.

 

“What?”

 

“We… hung out,” he mutters, biting at his thumbnail nervously.

 

“For like, ten hours?”

 

“Uh… yeah, I guess.” He hadn’t really thought about it. That probably did seem strange to her. “We played a bunch of video games and stuff.”

 

“Stuff?” He could visualize her face perfectly, eyebrow cocked, her mouth a crooked smirk.

 

“Yeah, you know, we talked. Wanted to get to know each other before deciding to become flatmates.”

 

“So I guess it’s safe to assume it went well, then?”

 

“Yeah. He’s nice. We like a lot of the same things. And the place is really nice and the rent is really cheap.”

 

“How old is he?”

 

“Uh, I dunno. A bit older, I guess. He graduated from York.”

 

“What does he look like?”

 

Dan frowns. “What does that matter?” He tries to keep the irritation out of his voice, but fails.

 

“It doesn’t. I was just wondering.”

 

“Alright,” he says, trying to brush it off. She’s so weird lately. “What about you?”

 

“What _about_ me?” She sounds confused.

 

“You wanted to talk to me about stuff, remember?”

 

She snorts. “Not in the middle of the night, Dan. Some of us actually sleep at this time. I’ll call you tomorrow, ok? But thanks. Thanks for remembering to call me. You nutter.”

 

After he hangs up he goes to the communal toilet to brush his teeth. He stares at his reflection and smiles. He’d had a really good day. They’d played games, talking and laughing for hours, until Dan had noticed the sun had gone down and he’d probably overstayed his welcome.

 

Phil had insisted on feeding him first. It had turned out that cereal was the best he could offer, but the gesture had still roused a warmth in Dan the likes of which he hadn’t felt in a long time.

 

He can’t even remember the last time he’d gone so long without feeling the sickening dread of classes and exams clawing beneath his skin, the relentless fear that he’s wasting the best years of his life earning a degree he doesn’t want.

 

He tucks himself up into bed, and it’s the first time in ages that he falls asleep quickly, dreaming of good times to come.


	3. Chapter 3

Dan is sat on the train, long legs folded up against his chest, watching rain drops slide down the window as North slowly turns to South. He sighs and checks his phone—still another hour to go before he reaches Wokingham.

 

At least his exams are over, he tells himself. The horror of uni is over for a blissful few months. Mostly. He has to re-sit one of his exams in August, but all things considered, he’s honestly surprised it’s only one class he’s failed.

 

He’s not looking forward to hearing what his parents have to say about that. Choosing to pursue a degree in law had been one of the few decisions he’d made in his young life that his parents had actually approved of. Rain was another. His stomach churns knowing he has to admit he’s failed a class and split up with the girlfriend his parents had loved like she was their own daughter.

 

Objectively he could see that they made a nice looking couple. Dan is tall and slender, his skin tans easily in the sun and his features arrange themselves in a way that is undeniably attractive. He has dimples, for god’s sake. Rain is fit and blonde with green eyes and a nice laugh. She’s smart and kind and anyone could see that she’d cared about Dan a great deal. They’d been together so long and from such a young age, been such a formative part of each other’s lives that people had assumed they’d be together forever.

 

Dan had thought that too, once. Until, suddenly, he didn’t. Moving away from home and attending university were helping him find himself, but not in the ways he’d hoped. Instead of becoming inspired, he’s learning all the things he knows for sure he doesn’t want.

 

He doesn’t want to stay in a relationship simply because it’s safe. He doesn’t want to keep wasting the little time he has in this life on things that don’t make him happy. He doesn’t want to be a lawyer.

 

He knows this. This revelation crashes down on him every day. He hates his classes, hates the readings, hates the thought of himself sat in an office, doing paperwork, arguing for a living. He’d chosen law on a whim to get his parents off his back, figuring it’d be as good as anything else.

 

He’d definitely been wrong about that.

 

His palms are sweaty by the time the train pulls into the station. He sees his mum as soon as he steps down onto the platform.

 

“Hello sweetheart, welcome home,” she says, wrapping her arms his middle. She is much shorter than him; her head comes up to the middle of his chest. He’s never quite noticed just how odd it feels—they don’t hug very often. “How was the trip?”

 

“Fine. Long.”

 

They carry on with pleasantries and small talk on the drive back to his childhood home. He tries not to be too awkward or nervous-sounding. He knows he has a lot of confessing to do tonight, but he hasn’t really worked out how he wants to break the news of all his various failures this year.

 

When they arrive at the house he gives a pleasant greeting to his younger brother and retreats to his room. He needs to start going through his things and deciding what he wants to bring back to his new flat in Manchester.

 

There isn’t a lot to choose from: a tiny single bed, his clothes, a few books and maybe some video games. He’ll have to start taking more shifts at work if he wants to help contribute to anything other than the measly rent Phil has asked for.

 

A little while later his mother calls him for dinner and he groans. She’d gone to the trouble of cooking and making sure the whole family was there—even his nan. He’s going to have to admit a lot of things tonight that he’d really rather not.

 

“So, Daniel,” his nan says cheerfully, “How was the first year?”

 

He smiles. She’s by far his favourite person at this table. She was more like a second mother than a grandmother. He wracks his brain for a way to answer the question truthfully without being as negative and dramatic as he wants to be. “It’s been… a challenge. It’s quite a… dry course.”

 

“I would imagine so. You must be happy for the break now though, love.”

 

“Definitely.”

 

“Is Rain home yet?” His mother asks.

 

Shit. He definitely can’t sugar-coat that one.

 

“Uhh… I think so…” his throat has gone dry.

 

“What d’you mean? You don’t know?”

 

“Actually mum, Rain and I… split up.”

 

The table goes silent immediately and they all look up at him. If the circumstances were different, Dan would probably laugh. They’d moved their heads in perfect synch, like a choreographed dance routine.

 

“Really?” His mum says. “When?”

 

“Um, not long after we both left, I guess.”

 

“What?! Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

Now he really wants to laugh. Dan doesn’t think he’s ever volunteered even a shred of information about his personal life willingly to his mother in his whole life. He doesn’t know if that’s his fault or hers or some combination of the two, but he’s always been the ‘suffer agonizingly slowly in isolation’ type. The idea of calling up his mum and crying to her on the phone that he’d broken up with his girlfriend is absolutely ludicrous.

 

“I dunno… it wasn’t really like, a big deal, I guess?”

 

He realizes it’s the wrong answer the instant the words leave his mouth.

 

His mother looks at him sourly. “You were together for three years, Daniel. That’s definitely a big deal. The poor girl. You gave up, just like that? Did you even give it a go before breaking her heart?”

 

His heart is hammering. He shouldn’t be surprised that she instantly assumes the worst of him, but it still stings a little.

 

“It wasn’t like that. We just… didn’t work anymore,” he says quietly. “I didn’t break her heart.”

 

“I doubt that,” his mum says, rather unkindly. “She loved you.”

 

“I loved her too, mum.” He looks around the table. His brother and father seem to be pretending they can’t hear the excruciatingly awkward conversation that is taking place, and his nan is looking at him sadly. “Anyway, we’re still friends. We still talk all the time. And she even has a new boyfriend now.”

 

She opens her mouth to say something, but his father cuts her off. “Better to end it while you’re still young than keep dragging it on.” Dan’s father, ever the romantic.

 

“Right,” Dan says quietly. He wishes more than anything that he could get up and go back to his room as he might’ve done a year ago.

 

They eat in silence for a while. Dan decides there’s no way in hell he can tell them he failed a class, let alone that he’s seriously reconsidering whether or not he even wants to return for year two.

 

He does however, still have to break the news that he is not, in fact, planning to live at home for the summer. He curses himself internally. Why does he have to leave everything until it’s compounded itself into an ugly unmanageable mess?

 

“Um, there’s something… else,” he stutters, because there’s just no way to say this now without seeming like an inconsiderate asshole. “I’m not… staying.”

 

“What d’you mean?” His mother asks, her eyes narrowing.

 

“I’ve got a flat in Manchester for the summer.” He looks at his mum’s incredulous face and decides a little lie will be required for him to make it through this dinner. “I want to be close to the school so I can study and stuff, to get ready for next year. Plus I’ve got a job so I can save up to help pay off the loans quicker.”

 

“Oh,” his father says. “That’s very responsible of you, Daniel. Very pragmatic.”

 

“Have you moved in yet?” His mother asks and her face has relaxed a little. Dan breathes a small sigh of relief.

 

“No… actually I was hoping for a pretty big favour?” His voice has gone a little squeaky. He hates asking his parents for anything, no matter how reasonable the request may be.

 

“What’s that?” His father asks.

 

“I kind of need to get my bed and stuff down there…”

 

“Right,” his father says and Dan lets out the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding in. “When?”

 

“Uhh, I mean, as soon as you’re available. I know it’s a long drive.”

 

“I can do it the day after tomorrow, first thing in the morning.”

 

“Ok, thanks Dad. Thanks a lot.”

 

His mother reaches over and squeezes his hand. “We’re proud of you, love. I know it can be… a lot. Especially the first year.”

 

Dan feels a tickle of emotion in the back of his throat. He can’t remember the last time he’s seen his mum express that kind of naked affection. “Thanks mum,” he smiles.

 

He feels his shoulders lift a little. He’d had to lie, more than a little, which he doesn’t like. But the night is ending with smiles rather than hostility, and he counts that as a win. One step a time, he tells himself.

 

He looks at his brother, who hasn’t said a word to him the entire evening. He gets it, he was fourteen once.

 

*

 

He’s lying in bed with his laptop burning the tops of his thighs. It may be small, but the improvement in comfort next to the atrocity that had been the mattress in his dorm is honestly unbelievable. He feels a little bit overwhelmed at the knowledge that he only has to be home another day, and then he has the whole summer in front of him—a nice place to live, no class, and maybe even a new friend. He’s so giddy with relief, he feels the urge to talk to someone.

 

He pulls out his phone and types out a quick message.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: hey, is it cool if i bring my stuff over day after tomorrow??_

**_Phil_ ** _: of course!! looking forward to it! gets kinda lonely here sometimes_

**_Dan_ ** _: it’ll probably be in the morning_

**_Phil_ ** _: hmm, not usually a morning person but i’ll make an exception this once :]_

 

Dan chuckles. They’re definitely going to get along. Summer means not having to wake up early for class, and that honestly might be the thing he’s most excited about.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: same. my dad’s driving me down tho, beggars can’t be choosers. i really don’t have much stuff tho, i wasn’t exaggerating about that_

**_Phil_ ** _: it’s ok!! as long as you have a bed, i have everything else we need!_

 

Dan beams. He can’t help notice Phil’s use of the word ‘we.’ Everything we need. It gives him a warm feeling in his chest. He’s not used to someone being so… nice. Not to him.

 

Just then his phone rings.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hi, Dan. Are you home?” Rain asks.

 

“Yeah, you?”

 

“Yeah, got here yesterday. I was wondering… would it be weird if I… can I come over for a bit?” She sounds hesitant.

 

“Uhh, yeah? I mean yeah. I’d like to see you. I have to warn you though… I only just told my mum we split up…”

 

“What?! Are you fucking serious, Dan?”

 

“I know, I know, I’m sorry ok. You know me!”

 

“Fuck’s sake, that’s bad, even for you,” she says. He can practically see her shaking her head. “I’ll sneak in through the window… just like old times. Be there soon.”

 

“K,” he replies and hangs up. Now, now he feels that pang of something resembling loss or sadness—something he’d been waiting all year to feel, something he rather bewilderingly hadn’t felt yet when he’s thought about Rain.

 

He can’t help remembering how different things used to be, how she used to climb through the window and into his bed, how they’d have to hold their hands over each other’s mouths to stifle the giggles, and then the moans. Everything had felt easier then, at least when it came to love, or what he called love at the time. He had a pretty girl who he liked a lot, who liked him back and made him feel good. He didn’t know it needed to be any more than that.

 

He still doesn’t, really. It’s not like he found something better to replace it with. He just… stopped feeling it. He didn’t think about her when she wasn’t there. He didn’t look forward to hearing her voice on the phone or seeing her face over Skype, and he still hasn’t figured out what the hell happened. He wishes he could get back to the way he felt then, the way his pulse would race when he’d see her at the window, the happiness he’d feel afterwards, holding her and kissing her and whispering sweet words before she had to sneak back home.

 

But that’s not what he feels when he sees her now, knocking lightly on the glass. He feels tense, nervous; it’s the first time they’ve seen each other since everything changed.

 

He opens the window and she crawls through. They stand there for a moment, just looking at each other. She’s still beautiful, maybe even a little bit more. She looks older, more a woman than the girl he remembers. Her hair is shorter, her skin is clear and her face is free of makeup. She’s wearing skin-tight jeans and a baggy Leeds sweatshirt and Dan knows it really is over because he doesn’t feel anything. She pulls him into a hug and whispers, “Hi.”

 

“Hey,” he mumbles into her hair.

 

“You ok?”

 

Dan nods.

 

She lets him go and walks over to the bed, sitting down and patting the space next to her. He pauses a minute before joining her. It’s ok, he tells himself, she has a boyfriend and you’ve been nothing but a twat. She doesn’t want you anymore.

 

He squeezes next to her in the small space and leans back against the headboard.

 

“How long are you staying?” She asks.

 

“Just for tomorrow. You?”

 

“A few weeks. I want to see everyone, catch up a little. Then I’m going back to Leeds.”

 

“Why?” Dan asks. Rain doesn’t have the strained relationship with her family that Dan does.

 

“David’s there.”

 

“Oh, right,” he tries to sound casual, like it’s a normal thing to discuss with your ex-girlfriend while you’re pressed against her in your cramped bed. He fails.

 

“Is it still weird for you?” She asks softly. “We don’t have to talk about it.”

 

“No, no, it’s not. I mean, it is, but it’s not, you know? I don’t want it to be. I don’t know how to… do… this.”

 

“I know. I don’t either. It feels weirder than I thought, to see you again… in this room. In this bed…”

 

“Yeah.”

 

They’re quiet for a while, just listening to each other breathe. She takes his hand and turns it over, starts tracing patterns in his palm with the tip of her finger.

 

“Dan?” Her voice is little more than a whisper, but it echoes in his head.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“What happened? With us. Why did you…” she trails off and turns her head away.

 

“I don’t know,” he says truthfully. “Maybe there’s something wrong with me.” He pulls his hand away and brings his long legs up, hugging his arms around his knees.

 

She shakes her head. “I think… I think there’s a reason. And maybe you don’t know it yet. Maybe you do and you don’t want to admit it to yourself, or you don’t want to admit it to me. But I want you to know that I’m not mad anymore.”

 

Dan sucks in a surprised breath. “I didn’t know you were ever mad.”

 

She looks at him quizzically. “Of course I was, Dan. Whatever happened to make you change your mind about me… that didn’t happen for me. We were in love and then all of a sudden we weren’t. You must know… that was hard. It was so fucking hard for me.”

 

“I’m sorry,” he chokes out, feeling a lump forming in his throat. “I didn’t… nothing happened. You didn’t do anything wrong. I never meant to hurt you.”

 

She sighs. “I know. I know that now.”

 

Suddenly she shifts her body towards his and takes his face gently in her hands. She leans forward, closes her eyes and connects their lips. It feels so warm and familiar and she smells like lavender and tea and her lips are so soft and inviting that his chest aches with how much he wishes this could be enough. She pulls away slowly and looks into his eyes.

 

“I forgive you, ok?” There are tears forming in her green eyes and her voice trembles a little. “I’ll always love you a little bit, and I still want you in my life.”

 

“I do too,” he says sadly, and he means it.


	4. Chapter 4

“Dan? Wake up love, we’re here.”

 

Dan opens his eyes. Everything is blurry. “Huh?” He mumbles confusedly, yawning.

 

He hears his nan chuckle. “We’re here. In Manchester. Time to unpack.”

 

He stretches his arms up as much as the small car will allow as he acclimatizes to being awake—again—at such an ungodly early hour.

 

“Come on Daniel, I don’t have a lot of time, I need to get back,” his father says.

 

“Sorry,” Dan mutters, opening the door and stepping out.

 

“Do you think you can get the bed up on your own? The drive took longer than I thought. I told work I’d be back by midday…” his father says, checking his watch.

 

“Uhh, yeah, I’ll make it work. Maybe Phil can help me.” Dan pulls out his phone and dials Phil’s number reluctantly. Already asking for help with manual labour early in the morning and they’re not even technically flatmates yet.

 

Phil answers on the third ring. “Hello?” He sounds sleepy, but not just-woken-up sleepy, thank god.

 

“Hi, Phil, it’s Dan—”

 

“Are you here?”

 

“Yeah.” He pauses. “Umm… I was wondering if you could—”

 

“Do you need help bringing your stuff up?”

 

“If it’s not too much trouble…”

 

“I’ll be right down,” Phil says cheerily before hanging up.

 

“Everything alright, love?” His nan asks, suddenly right beside him.

 

“Yeah, my flatmate’s gonna come down and help me bring my things up. The apartment’s on the fourteenth floor, be hard to get the bed up on my own.”

 

“I do wish I could come up and see,” she says and Dan feels a rush of affection. She’d insisted on coming for the long drive just to be with him a little longer and give him a proper goodbye, and he’s gone and spent the whole trip sleeping. She’s always been the one he could count on, ready to listen and lavish attention when he felt his parents had all but forgotten him. He’s missed her.

 

“I’ll have you round sometime, I promise. It’s quite nice inside actually,” he says.

 

“What’s you flatmate like, then?” She asks, helping him pull his boxes out of the boot.

 

“Uhh, I don’t really know him too well yet, actually. We’ve only met the once. Seems really nice though.”

 

“What does he do?”

 

“I’m… I’m not sure, nan. I know he graduated from uni recently. I think he said he’s still looking for a proper job.”

 

“This looks like quite a nice place for an unemployed young man,” she says, looking up at the building sceptically. Dan feels his chest tighten a little. The building is nice enough, but it’s not _that_ nice. Only someone who’s grown used to working hard for every single pound and still not having enough would look at this building and think it unattainably nice.

 

“He’s had help from his parents, I think. And now he’ll have help from me.” He puts his hand on her shoulder. “Don’t worry, nan. The rent’s really not that bad.”

 

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll be fine, dear,” she says, shaken out of whatever internal concerns she’d been considering about this posh building her grandson would soon inhabit. “I’m so proud of you. All grown up and going to university, living on your own in a new city. It’s terribly exciting, isn’t it?”

 

He smiles. “It is.”

 

“Alright, I think that’s everything,” his father announces, coming around the car and giving Dan a quick, one-armed hug. “We’ve got to be off. Good luck. Call your mother later, she’ll be wondering about you, ok?”

 

“Yeah, I will. Thanks again, Dad.”

 

He turns back to his nan. “Thanks for coming. Sorry I slept the whole time…”

 

“Oh, Bear, don’t apologize. You look so dear when you sleep. Reminds me of when you were just a little thing.”

 

She reaches out and pulls him into her arms. He hugs her small body tightly. He hadn’t expected to feel so emotional about leaving this all behind.

 

“Love you,” he says softly.

 

“Love you too, dear. Be good,” she says, and then she’s climbed into the car and he’s watching them drive away.

 

“Bear?”

 

He jumps when he hears a deep voice seemingly right behind him.

 

“Fuck, Phil,” he breathes, clutching his chest. “You scared me.”

 

Phil chuckles. “Sorry. I thought you’d seen me.”

 

Dan notices then that Phil looks quite different than he had when he’d last seen him a few weeks ago. His long black fringe is pushed up atop his head into a rather impressive quiff. He’s wearing thick-rimmed glasses and colourful pyjama pants and looks very much like someone who’d rolled out of bed very recently.

 

“I’m really sorry about this, I know it’s so early,” Dan says, picking up a box. “My dad didn’t have time to help me bring this shit up.”

 

“It’s fine,” Phil says, bending down to pick up another box. “Just don’t get used to it. Phil and mornings don’t mix. I haven’t even had a coffee yet, so that’s how you really know you’re special.”

 

“I haven’t either,” Dan says.

 

“Well let’s get this over with quickly then so we can caffeinate!”

 

They both take two boxes and manage to get them into the apartment without incident. Well, Dan does. Phil drops his more times than Dan would have thought possible in the relatively small distance between the lift and the apartment. He’s not exactly the most coordinated person in the world, apparently.

 

“That’s all the boxes, right?” Phil asks, breathing a little heavier than he was before.

 

“Yeah… now it’s just the bed. And the mattress.”

 

“Oh. Right. Can’t very well leave those out on the pavement, can we?”

 

“Preferably not. I’d like somewhere to sleep tonight,” Dan says.

 

“High maintenance,” Phil scoffs, smiling. “Ok, let’s do this.”

 

They spend the next half hour painstakingly carrying Dan’s small but somehow immensely heavy mattress from the pavement into the building and then into the lift. Maybe it’s not that heavy, Dan thinks. Maybe they’re both just woefully weak and out of shape and a little clumsy and a lot tired.

 

“I take it back,” Phil pants once they’ve wrestled the mattress into the lift. He rests his head against it and closes his eyes. “I’m literally never doing you another favour like this ever again. I regret everything.”

 

“Me too. Should’ve just bought a new one and had it delivered,” Dan agrees. He’s sweating, like actually sweating. He hopes his hair isn’t starting to curl, but he’s too exhausted to muster up the levels of anxiety he usually has at the thought of moisture defiling his precious emo fringe.

 

Once they finally manage to drag the mattress into the flat, they immediately drop it onto the floor and collapse on top of it.

 

“I’m never moving from this spot,” Phil mumbles, his face buried in the cushioned fabric.

 

“You gonna be sleeping with me then, mate?” Dan asks, before he realizes how it sounds.

 

“Guess so,” Phil replies casually and Dan breathes a small sigh of relief.

 

They lie there for a minute, waiting for their breathing to return to normal, long legs hanging over the edge of the tiny bed.

 

“So,” Dan says after a few minutes of silent rest, “About that coffee…”

 

“Right,” Phil huffs as he drags himself off the bed. “You’re coming with me. Payment for my skills is keeping me company while I make breakfast.”

 

Dan laughs. “Do you have actual food this time?”

 

“Uhh, no, I guess I don’t. I do have coffee, though,” he says sheepishly, filling the kettle with water. He reaches into his cupboard and pulls out a large tin.

 

“Instant?” Dan says, horrified, his face scrunched up in disgust. “Phil, you pleb!”

 

“I’m sorry! I’m a simple man with simple desires,” he laughs and the sound gets caught in the back of his throat, like he’s trying to swallow it back down. It’s a strange, distinctive sound, but it makes Dan smile nevertheless.

 

“I’m going to have to go to the shops like, immediately,” Dan says shaking his head.

 

“Just wait, you’re going to love it.”

 

“Uh huh,” Dan says doubtfully.

 

“But I guess if you actually want to eat at some point then yeah, we need to go shopping,” Phil agrees, opening another cupboard door and pulling out two mugs.

 

“So, how is that going to work? Like, buying food and stuff? Do we buy our own food, or take turns doing the shopping, or…”

 

“Umm, I dunno, I hadn’t thought about it. I’m pretty lazy and usually just order takeaway or eat a bunch of biscuits when I get hungry,” Phil admits, spooning some horrible-looking coffee powder into the mugs.

 

“Wow, Phil, how old are you? Still don’t know how to cook for yourself?” Dan teases.

 

“Shut up,” he laughs. “I’m twenty four and I’ll have you know I _can_ cook… I just… choose not to.”

 

“Fair enough.”

 

“How old are you? I guess I should have asked that before? I didn’t really ask you anything did I? I could be living with a weirdo now for all I know,” Phil says, opening yet another cupboard door and taking out some sugar. Dan notices with amusement that he hasn’t closed any of them.

 

“I’ll be twenty in a month,” Dan replies. “And there’s no way I’m any weirder than you, I can tell that already.”

 

The kettle starts beeping angrily and Phil pours the steaming water into the mugs. “Milk?” He asks and Dan nods. He stirs the murky-looking coffee facsimile and hands it to Dan.

 

“Do you wanna watch something with me or…”

 

“Yeah, sure,” Dan agrees quickly. A slight awkwardness has settled between them, as if they’ve both suddenly realized that they are still essentially strangers. Strangers who live together, now.

 

Dan follows Phil out into the lounge and plonks himself down on the sofa. His sofa? This is definitely going to take some getting used to, he thinks. He looks around, trying to take everything in, trying to remind himself—this is home now. He thinks he should feel a little more nervous than he does, but when he searches himself all he can really feel is hopeful. Maybe even a little excited. It’s been quite a long time since he could say he felt anything even remotely close to this.

 

“How do you feel about Adventure Time?” Phil asks.

 

Dan smiles. “Love it.”

 

They watch three episodes before Dan remembers his mattress is still on the floor by the door, his bed in pieces in a cardboard box.

 

“Phil?” Dan says timidly. “Have you by any chance recovered enough to help me with another menial task?”

 

Despite Phil’s earlier insistence that he’d never help Dan with manual labour ever again, it doesn’t take any convincing at all to get him off the sofa and into the empty room that now belongs to Dan, sat cross-legged on the floor with a screwdriver and a furrowed brow, trying to figure out how to put the bed together. Dan is sat right next to him, not having any more luck than Phil.

 

“Fuck, I’m so rubbish at stuff like this,” Dan mumbles. “It’s probably not even that hard.”

 

“Same,” Phil sighs. “My dad would be so disappointed. He actually bought me a cordless hammer drill last year.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah, and a saw and a thirty eight piece tool kit, which is actually the only reason we’re even able to _try_ to put this thing together, so I guess it wasn’t as useless as I thought.”

 

“Right,” Dan says, sneaking a look at Phil. Something in Phil’s tone had betrayed a hint of insecurity or maybe even pain that he probably hadn’t intended to expose. He’s still frowning.

 

“I don’t think my dad understands that I will never be able to fix things—only break them.” He’s trying to laugh, but Dan can tell immediately that it sounds hollow.

 

Guilt twists in his gut. He’s dragged Phil out of bed at the crack of dawn and all but forced him to lug a heavy mattress off the pavement and into his flat that he now has to share with a needy loser who can’t even figure out how to put a bed together by himself.

 

“Phil, you don’t have to help me with this, I can just sleep on the mattress, honestly…”

 

“Don’t be stupid. We’ll figure this out together, right? You plus me equals one whole man, right?”

 

“I suppose so,” Dan laughs. He thinks maybe he should be offended, but the earnest smile on Phil’s face fills him instead with a strange warmth.

 

A few hours later, after much Googling and trial and error, Dan finally has a bed he can sleep in tonight.

 

“Ok, Dan, this time I mean it. Never again.”

 

“Deal,” Dan says smiling. He thinks Phil will get up now and go do his own thing, happy to finally be free of this person he regretfully agreed to share an apartment with.

 

But no. Phil flops down onto the bed and says, “What now?”

 

Normally Dan would be itching to get away by now, to close his door and open his laptop and hide from any more social interaction. But not today—not from Phil. It’s a rather strange development that he’s sure he will agonize over later, but for now he’s just going to accept it and continue to have fun with his new flatmate.

 

“Well, Phil, I don’t know if you’re a robot or something but I’m fucking hungry. We need food in… our… flat. Can I call it that? It feels weird to imply in any way that it’s mine…”

 

Phil giggles. “But it is! That’s how this works!”

 

Dan nods, then sits on the edge of the bed and looks at Phil with mock solemnity. “Phil. I need food.”

 

“Alright, alright, let’s go out then.”

 

They walk to Starbucks and get paninis and sweet overpriced lattes and settle themselves on a sofa in the corner of the cafe and proceed to waffle until the sun is low in the sky, throwing shadows across the city and taking them both by surprise.

 

“Oh, shit. It’s getting dark,” Dan says rather stupidly. “I’m hungry again. We were supposed to buy food for the flat.”

 

“We’ll do it tomorrow?” Phil asks.

 

“Actually, I have to work tomorrow,” Dan says disdainfully.

 

“Where do you work?”

 

“Focus,” Dan replies.

 

“Wow, fun.”

 

“There is probably no person on this planet less suited to work at a DIY store than me, but hey, it pays the rent. Literally, now.”

 

“I think there may be one person less suited,” Phil laughs.

 

“Well you plus me equals one whole man, right? So maybe you should tag along,” Dan jokes.

 

“Maybe I should,” Phil says, and he’s smiling fondly.

 

“But for real. I need food.”

 

“We’ll order pizza for tonight. What time do you get off tomorrow?” Phil asks.

 

“Six.”

 

“Ok, I’ll pick you up and we’ll go to Tesco and get proper food for OUR flat.”

 

Later that night, after they’ve stuffed themselves with pizza and played Crash Bandicoot rowdily for hours, Dan is lying in his newly constructed bed in his new room in his new flat and he can’t stop thinking how fucking lucky he’s gotten. He’s so tired from waking up before the birds that he doesn’t even have time to think before he’s falling asleep, the sound of Phil’s laugh echoing quietly in his ears.


	5. Chapter 5

Dan stumbles out of the bathroom groggily, releasing the steam from the burning hot shower he’d taken as he opens the door. He’d hoped the heat and the scrubbing would wake him up a little, but alas, he still feels slightly comatose. He wanders toward the kitchen, naked save for a towel wrapped loosely around his waist, his skin dewy, hair a mess of dripping curls. He doesn’t think twice—Phil had said mornings were not his thing. Dan feels safe in the knowledge that Phil is still in his room, sleeping soundly. The lucky bastard.

 

All he can think is that he needs coffee. Or that instant shit Phil has that just barely passes for coffee. It’ll have to do for today. At least it has caffeine.

 

He walks into the kitchen and yelps. Phil is stood beside the fridge with a steaming mug in his hand and a giant grin on his face. “Morning,” he says cheerily.

 

“Aah! You’re awake!” Dan grabs at his towel. “Why are you awake?!”

 

“The noise of the shower woke me up,” Phil says, and he holds out the mug for Dan to take. “I was terrified for a moment before I remembered I don’t live alone anymore. Thought I’d get up and make you a coffee before you go to work.”

 

Dan reaches out and takes the mug, momentarily speechless. He thinks vaguely that he should be embarrassed right now. He’s basically naked and he hasn’t straightened his fringe and he’s stood in front of this man who objectively should still be considered a stranger to him. But he’s not—he’s not really embarrassed and Phil’s not a stranger. Dan feels a weird flutter low in his stomach.

 

“You got out of bed early in the morning—again—to make me coffee before I go to work?”

 

Phil pushes his glasses up on his nose and chuckles. “Uh huh.”

 

Dan swallows the bewildering emotion that seems determined to escape from his throat and says, “Thanks.” It doesn’t feel an adequate amount of gratitude for what is honestly the nicest thing anyone’s done for him in as long as he can remember.

 

“Sorry there’s no food,” Phil says, picking up his own mug of coffee and leaning against the counter. Dan could swear that Phil’s eyes have settled somewhere between his jaw and his collarbones, but he’s probably just imagining that.

 

“Your hair is curly,” Phil muses when Dan fails to acknowledge his previous comment about the lack of food in the flat.

 

“Uhh, yeah,” Dan says thickly. He brings the mug to his mouth and takes a big gulp of the too-hot coffee in an attempt to dispel his sudden onset of awkwardness. “Unfortunately.”

 

“It’s nice,” Phil says.

 

Dan laughs. “Wanna trade?” In truth, Phil’s hair seems to fall in the exact way that Dan has always wanted for his own.

 

Phil smiles. “I think the curls suit you.”

 

“Thanks,” Dan says quietly. Normally he would go out of his way to defend his hatred for the curls, but Phil’s words are so earnest and candid that he has half a mind to believe them.

 

He looks down at his feet with something akin to a blush on his cheeks, and realizes anew that he really needs to get dressed. “Shit, I guess I should put some clothes on,” he chuckles.

 

“Not on my account,” Phil replies cheekily.

 

Ok, now Dan is definitely blushing. He huffs out a surprised laugh and mumbles, “Perv,” then chugs the rest of his coffee and says, “Hope you enjoyed the show,” and slips out of the kitchen.

 

He hears Phil laugh and call out, “I did!” as he makes his way to his bedroom.

 

*

 

He wanders the aisles at work, doing his best to avoid both customers and co-workers alike, and thus avoid having to do any actual work. He’s also trying not to dwell on his interaction with Phil earlier this morning. He’s not quite ready to analyze all the minute ways his new flatmate may be the best person he’s ever met.

 

He’s not really having much luck with that, but he’s trying—which is more than he can say about this job. He feels his phone buzz in his pocket and slips into the customer restroom to escape the prying eyes of his boss.

 

**_Rain_ ** _: how was the first day_

 

He smiles. He hadn’t been sure if they were actually going to try to stay friends after the other night, but apparently Rain had been honest when she’d said she still wants Dan to be a part of her life.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: really good, actually_

**_Rain_ ** _: details plz_

**_Dan_ ** _: my flatmate is cool_

**_Rain_ ** _: i’m sat on my bed all alone. i’m fucking bored. give me more._

**_Dan_ ** _: ummm he helped me put my bed together_

**_Rain_ ** _: so he’s less useless than you? :)_

 

Dan snorts. Apparently uselessness will be his lasting legacy.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: no, it took us like three hours to put the fucking thing together_

**_Rain_ ** _: jesus_

**_Dan_ ** _: yeah. actually, he’s a lot like me in a lot of ways_

**_Rain_ ** _: tell meeee_

 

He knows she’s probably not going to leave him alone unless he just tells her the things she wants to know. She’s always been very stubborn.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: we just like a lot of the same stuff. he likes video games as much as me_

**_Rain_ ** _: so basically he’s your soul mate?_

**_Dan_ ** _: my… soul flatmate_

**_Rain_ ** _: riiiight._

 

Dan bristles slightly, but tries to remind himself that tone is difficult to convey over text. He’s not going to take the bait.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: i’m at work, should probs get back.._

**_Rain_ ** _: don’t pretend you give a shit about work, howell. i think you owe me more_

**_Dan_ ** _: ??_

**_Rain_ ** _: for like, breaking my heart and shit :)_

**_Dan_ ** _: wow, it’s gonna be like that is it?_

**_Rain_ ** _: whatever works. i need more details, dan! i’m stuck in fucking WOKINGHAM for TWO WEEKS_

**_Dan_ ** _: ok, ok. umm… he woke up early and made me coffee this morning_

**_Rain_ ** _: !!!_

**_Dan_ ** _: yeah. i mean the coffee was shit but it was a nice thing to do_

**_Rain_ ** _: ok nvm i can’t talk to you about this, i’ll end up saying something you’re not ready to hear yet_

**_Dan_ ** _: wtf??_

**_Rain_ ** _: go back to work Dan, i’ll ttyl ok?_

 

He thinks he knows what she means, but he decides he’s going to ignore her anyway.

 

*

 

Somehow he makes it through the shift without crawling under a desk and falling asleep. He’s managed to do the minimal amount of work and social interaction possible to still remain employed, so he chalks the day up as a win. He steps out into the warm May evening and slides his hand into his pocket, reaching for his phone to text Phil.

 

It turns out to be a wasted gesture as Phil is already there, waiting with a smile.

 

“Ready to buy some food?”

 

“So ready,” Dan replies.

 

By the time they return to the flat, the sun is setting and their arms are so loaded down with bags they barely make it into the kitchen before dropping them to the ground, their fingers red and aching from carrying their Tesco bounty for so long.

 

“God, Dan, ever since you moved in, all I do is hard physical labour. Maybe my dad will be proud of me someday after all.”

 

“And now we won’t starve to death,” Dan says, stretching out his kinked fingers. “It’s a win-win.”

 

They take a few minutes to recuperate, sitting next to each other at the breakfast bar. Dan can’t actually believe he now lives in a flat nice enough to have a fucking breakfast bar.

 

They put away their groceries and pour themselves each a bowl of Shreddies because they’ve worked so hard getting all the damn food home that now they’re too knackered to actually cook anything. They take their bowls out into the lounge and Phil puts on Adventure Time again.

 

They’re sat beside each other on the leather loveseat crunching their cereal in amiable silence save for the sounds of the show that Dan’s only half watching. Really he’s looking around, still not quite coming to grips with the fact that this is his home now. How can the flat itself still feel foreign when it feels as if the man sat next to him is a long-lost brother?

 

Not brother, his brain corrects itself automatically. Fuck.

 

He’ll have to deal with this eventually, he knows. But not now, he tells himself. Not now. That crisis can wait. He has enough of those waiting in the wings, shoved onto the back burner begging to be agonized over. Something’s going to fall off eventually and spill out all over the place, but this is Dan’s forte after all—procrastinating any and every little thing that might cause him the slightest discomfort. He still has school and career to worry about before… that.

 

“Hey, Dan?” Phil says softly, and Dan thinks he’s probably never been so happy for his thoughts to be interrupted.

 

“What’s up?”

 

“Am I like, annoying you?” He’s still looking at the telly.

 

“What d’you mean?”

 

“Like, I kind of just realized I haven’t really let you just be since you got here. I’m always asking you to do stuff with me…”

 

“It’s all stuff I’d be doing anyway,” Dan assures him. “It’s nice not to have to do it alone anymore.” He pauses a minute before saying, “That’s what she said.”

 

Phil looks over at Dan then and laughs. “Ok. Well just tell me if you ever want me to leave you alone for a while. It’s just nice to have someone here. Charlie’s usually too busy to hang out with me. Or else he says I’m too nerdy.” He rolls his eyes.

 

“Well you don’t have to worry about that. I’m happy to geek out anytime.”

 

“Great,” Phil says, smiling. “Speaking of Charlie, he wants to meet you, properly.”

 

“You talk about me to Charlie?” Dan asks.

 

“More like he forces me to tell him every detail of everything that’s happened since you got here. I mean, you saw him for like five seconds and he was already being a prat, remember?”

 

Dan nods, “I guess so yeah. I have a… friend like that too,” he stumbles over the word friend. He’s not sure why. “We should just invite them over sometime and let them watch us for a day like the creepy stalkers they are.”

 

Phil laughs nervously. “Well… I might have already invited Charlie over? This weekend? If that’s ok?”

 

“Phil, this is your flat. He’s your friend. You don’t have to ask my permission,” Dan chuckles.

 

“It’s _our_ flat. And Charlie can be… a lot. I’m just warning you. He’ll probably say something to make you feel weird and violated at least once before the night’s over. So I can tell him to forget it…”

 

“No way. I can be a lot too,” Dan insists. “I can take it.”

 

“Alright,” Phil says reluctantly. He’s biting his bottom lip. Dan feels quite suddenly that he needs to look away. “It’s just…” Phil continues, “he might… hit on you.” It comes out almost a whisper.

 

Dan grins. “Well, we already know he thinks I’m cute.”

 

Dan sees relief wash over Phil’s face, watches as his shoulders relax. “That’s true,” Phil says. “So, did you want to invite your friend, too?”

 

“Oh, uhh, no… she doesn’t live here, actually. She goes to school in Leeds.”

 

“Oh, that must be hard,” Phil says sympathetically.

 

“Huh?”

 

“Just, it must be hard not living in the same city as your girlfriend,” Phil says slowly, as if Dan should have understood the first time.

 

“She’s not my girlfriend,” he says quickly, more quickly than is really necessary. “Not anymore.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Phil says, and his voice is so genuinely sweet and concerned that Dan almost laughs. Where did this man come from, honestly?

 

“It’s ok, really. It’s fine. We’re still friends. We don’t really see each other, but we talk a lot.”

 

“Oh, well, that’s good, then. It’s kind of like that with me and Charlie, too,” Phil replies.

 

“Oh,” Dan says, trying to hide the surprise in his voice. “Is Charlie your—”

 

Just then Dan and Phil both jump a little as Phil’s phone rings loudly.

 

“Speak of the devil,” Phil laughs. “One sec.” He gets up and wanders to the kitchen, murmuring quietly in his deep Northern-accented drawl.

 

Dan doesn’t quite know why, but he feels the strong urge to share this potential news with Rain. If he isn’t careful she’s going to turn him into a full-on gossip.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: i think i may have learned a new thing about phil_

She responds almost immediately.

**_Rain_ ** _: do tell_

**_Dan_ ** _: i think he’s into guys_

 

Why is he telling her this? What business is it of hers? Come to think of it, what business is it of _his_? What the fuck is wrong with him?

 

**_Rain_ ** _: you don’t say_

 

He frowns and shoves his phone back in his pocket. Why did he think that was a good idea? She was really starting to fuck with his head.

 

Suddenly, Phil is back from the kitchen, phone tucked away in his pocket once again. “Wanna play something.”

 

“Yep,” Dan answers instantly. “Always.”

 

“Mario Kart?”

 

“Are you sure you want to put yourself through that, mate? I’m the Mario Kart master. It’s probably one of my top five skills in life.”

 

“Bring it on you little weasel,” Phil laughs. “Do you want a Ribena?”

 

Dan nods.

 

“K. Can you get the game for me while I make it? I think it’s on the desk in my room.”

 

“Sure,” Dan replies. He hauls his long body up off the small sofa and starts toward his own bedroom. “I’m just gonna change first. My legs are tired of suffocating,” he says to Phil, who disappears into the kitchen.

 

“K!”

 

Once he’s peeled off his skin tight black jeans and replaced them with some plaid pyjama pants, he walks down the hall to Phil’s bedroom. What he sees when he opens the door makes him squawk.


	6. Chapter 6

There is a rather large camera sat atop a tripod and it’s pointed directly at Phil’s bed.

 

Dan darts into the room and grabs the game off the desk as quickly as he can, suddenly feeling very much like he needs to get to know the person he’s sharing a flat with a little better. There’s probably a super normal and not porn-y explanation for such a set-up, but at the moment nothing else is coming to mind.

 

He joins Phil in the lounge and tries not to act like he may have just discovered a deep dark secret. Or maybe…

 

Phil had been the one to ask Dan to go into his room. Maybe it isn’t a secret at all. Maybe this is his way of telling Dan what it is he does to pay his bills—what it is that keeps him home all day most days.

 

Dan knows he should probably just ask. He’s making it weirder than it needs to be.

 

He doesn’t ask. They play Mario Kart until their hands are cramped and their voices are hoarse from laughing and screaming light-hearted insults at each other. He beats Phil every time.

 

*

 

The kettle beeps loudly—too loudly for Dan’s bleary, just woken up brain. He picks it up and pours the water into the two mugs he’s left out on the countertop. He spoons a generous amount of coffee into each and stirs.

 

Yes, he’s still drinking instant coffee. He’d discovered that Phil actually preferred it to the properly brewed kind, and decided it was easier to just choke down this coffee-flavoured swill than buy a machine, especially if he’d be the only one using it. They’d agreed to compromise: Dan would accept his fate of drinking sludge in the morning if Phil allowed him to choose the fanciest, most expensive brand he could find. It turns out it isn’t _that_ bad, if he adds a lot of milk and sugar.

 

In the short time they’ve lived together they’ve already fallen into a morning routine of sorts: whoever wakes up first makes coffee for the other. It’s a small thing, but Dan finds a feeling of fondness unfurls inside him when he thinks about it. No one’s ever made him coffee in the morning.

 

To be honest, Phil does a lot of things for Dan that no one has ever really done before, little gestures that seem small but happen with frequency and sincerity. Phil just seems to be like that—thoughtful, kind, considerate.

 

In truth, before today, Dan has never been the one to wake up first. He decides it’s finally his turn to do something a little above and beyond the call of ‘two lads sharing a flat out of convenience,’ because Phil has never made him feel like anything less than a friend, and he wants to show his appreciation.

 

He’s making pancakes. From a recipe book. It’s basically an unprecedented level of effort on his part, but it seems to be coming along. He has a small stack on a plate, lying in wait of toppings. He turns off the burner and slides the last one out of the pan.

 

He listens for a moment, but doesn’t hear Phil yet. He covers the pancakes to keep them warm, grabs the mugs of coffee and carries them carefully out onto the balcony, where he’s pulled two of the dining room chairs.

 

He puts Phil’s coffee down on a chair and sits in the other, putting his feet up on the concrete ledge. He’s wearing nothing but a jumper and a rather tight pair of Calvin Klein pants. He stretches out his long legs and takes a sip of coffee, admiring the view.

 

From up on the fourteenth floor, the view is rather incredible. He can see much of the city, and it’s beautiful in a way he’d never noticed hidden away in his dorm room. Even Strangeways Maximum Security Prison has a strange charm to it in the morning light. Technically morning, anyway.

 

He closes his eyes and tilts his face up to catch the warmth of the sun on his skin. It’s been so long since he felt this kind of quiet peaceful contentment. If he thinks about it too much his thoughts will eventually loop back to the dread of classes and papers and readings and what his future is supposed to look like, so he doesn’t do that. He just sips his coffee and enjoys the balmy kiss of the mid-May weather.

 

“That’s a strange combination,” he hears Phil say from the doorway, his voice rumbles like gravel as it always does when he first wakes up.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“A hoodie and pants. Aren’t those like, opposite?”

 

“Respect my fashion choices, Phil,” Dan says, handing Phil his coffee.

 

Phil accepts it wordlessly and sits next to Dan. He sighs in satisfaction as he takes a sip and says, “Nice day.”

 

Dan looks over and Phil is mimicking Dan’s position, all the way down to the long outstretched legs and tilted-back head.

 

For a while they sit in comfortable silence, drinking their coffee and watching the city bustle beneath them. It’s Saturday and Dan doesn’t have to work and he just feels so happy and free. He wants to take a picture of this moment in his head so he can save it for later, for times down the road he knows will come when he can’t even remember what freedom or levity feel like. A snapshot of the feeling of the sun on his skin and the scent of coffee and the sounds of Manchester in the morning.

 

And of Phil. He’s going to be honest with himself, just for a minute. Just for right now, because he’s finding it impossible to deny how much better his life has gotten since he met Phil. Just for right now, when he feels so little like himself—feels like a happier, shinier version of himself—he can admit that.

 

“Phil?” Dan asks quietly.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Can I ask you something?”

 

“I think you just did,” Phil chuckles.

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Go on then,” Phil encourages, smiling.

 

“The other night, when I went into your room to get the game…” he trails off, doesn’t know how to ask without making it weird. He doesn’t want to be weird, because he prides himself on being progressive and forward thinking and accepting and everything else you need to be to be unfazed by the thought of your flatmate filming porn in their bedroom. These are qualities he desperately wants to think he possesses, but apparently he’s got some work to do, because he really doesn’t know what to say now.

 

He looks over at Phil and wishes he could communicate telepathically.

 

“Yeah?” Phil says, oblivious to Dan’s inner torment. His eyes are still closed, head still leaned back, bathing in the glow of morning. Dan notices then just how pale Phil is—he’s almost translucent, but somehow still lovely, dotted lightly with freckles, the skin over his high cheekbones looks soft…

 

Dan coughs a little. Is it normal to look at a mate’s face and imagine how smooth his skin would feel beneath the tips of your fingers?

 

Probably not. Time to box up whatever this is and shove it back under the stairs, Dan thinks. “Do you do porn?” He blurts, trying to distract his own mind by being as blunt as possible.

 

“What?” Phil splutters, spitting his coffee a little.

 

“Just, there was a camera set up when I went in there, pointed at the bed…”

 

“Oh,” Phil says slowly. “Right. Forgot about that.”

 

“It’s fine if you do. Obviously, you don’t need my permission, but, like, I’m just saying… it’s cool. It’s brilliant actually, like—”

 

“Dan,” Phil interrupts. “I don’t do porn. My god, no. No porn. I’m way too bloody awkward, can you imagine?”

 

Dan can feel the heat rush to his face at that. He can’t even make a joke. Can’t think of anything a normally functioning human being would say next in such a situation.

 

“Sometimes I film… videos,” Phil continues, sounding decidedly uncomfortable.

 

“Right…” Dan says, waiting for what Phil could possibly say next that doesn’t circle its way back to being naked on the internet.

 

He doesn’t say anything.

 

“It’s none of my business, anyway, mate.” He wants to curl up and hide from the idea that he’s made Phil feel negative in any way. It’s the exact opposite of what he’d wanted to do today.

 

“No, it’s fine. It’s just… a little weird? I studied film and video production and stuff in school and I really liked it. I missed it, after I graduated. I wasn’t doing anything and couldn’t find a proper job and I was bored one day and Charlie told me I should just film a video. You know, like, for YouTube?”

 

“You do YouTube?” The surprise is evident in Dan’s voice. He’s been an avid consumer of the video sharing platform for quite some time now.

 

“No. I don’t, but Charlie does.”

 

“Really? What’s his channel?”

 

“It’s called charlieskies. He mainly does vlogs and stuff, nothing fancy, but he has a fair number of subscribers.”

 

“That’s awesome,” Dan says. “I’ll have to check him out.”

 

“Yeah,” Phil says quietly.

 

“So, you film videos… for fun?”

 

“I guess. Yeah. Charlie keeps trying to get me to post them but I don’t know…”

 

“How many do you have?”

 

“More than I really want to admit to,” Phil says, and finally Dan can see a hint of a smile return to his face.

 

“What kind of videos are they?” Dan asks rather excitedly.

 

“Umm, some kind of vloggy ones, some weird experimental stuff, some silly skits… I guess just all over the place. I really like editing them. I tell myself I’m practicing what I learned at school so I don’t forget everything. I haven’t given up hope on finding a job in film or something someday.”

 

“Do you ever show them to anyone?”

 

“Just Charlie.”

 

“You could… I mean if you ever wanted to…” Dan mumbles.

 

“You want to watch some?”

 

“Fuck yes,” Dan replies immediately. “I mean, if you want. No pressure, of course.”

 

“I’ll think about it,” Phil says sheepishly.

 

“What if I told you I actually have a channel on YouTube?” Dan says. It sounds like a lie but it actually isn’t. Apparently it’s just one more thing they have in common.

 

“I would say why the hell didn’t you tell me before,” Phil says, his voice rising slightly in pitch.

 

“I’ve never actually uploaded anything,” Dan replies. “I just really loved YouTube when I was a teenager and liked the idea of being the kind of person who made videos, but there’s no way in hell I would ever make one.”

 

“Why not?” Phil asks, and Dan can tell that he’s sincere.

 

“Umm, it’s just… not…me. I’m not good at like, following through. On anything.” He doesn’t want the self-doubt that permeates nearly every waking thought he has to leak into this conversation. He doesn’t want to reveal himself to Phil as the emotionally stunted, perpetually self-hating person he fears he is. Something about living with Phil has made him temporarily forget about all that and he wants to stay cocooned in the bliss of avoidance as long as possible.

 

“I thought that too, at first. I thought it’d be weird and I would have nothing to say in my videos and they’d be boring or awkward, but it’s actually really fun. And the good thing is you can keep shooting and editing until you have something you like, you know?”

 

“So why don’t you post any, if you don’t mind me asking?” Dan says softly.

 

“Well… maybe I will, someday.”

 

“Someday soon?”

 

“Maybe. Maybe I’ll post one if you film one.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah. It could be fun. We could like, motivate each other.”

 

“I guess…” Dan’s reply sounds unsure, but his heart is hammering in his chest, excitement burning a little fire low down in his gut.

 

“Sorry, you probably just want me to shut up and leave you alone,” Phil says when Dan doesn’t display even a hint of what he’s feeling inside.

 

“No!” He says forcefully, probably a little too much, but he just can’t allow Phil to think even for a second that he’s said something wrong. “Not at all. I like the idea. I’m just like… scared. You know?”

 

“Yeah, definitely. Me too.”

 

“This conversation really took a turn into a place I was not expecting,” Dan laughs then, letting out the air he’d been hoarding in his lungs. “I honestly thought I was living with a porn star.”

 

“Have you met me?” Phil says, waving his hands over his reclined body.

 

Yet again, Dan feels colour flood his cheeks and a maddening inability to form a coherent response to Phil’s very mildly suggestive gesture.

 

“So what’s your channel name?” Phil asks, graciously sparing Dan from having to think of something to say to hide his frankly bewildering awkwardness.

 

“Oh my god. No. Never mind, forget it. I can’t ever post a video,” Dan says, hiding his face in his hands. “I’d forgotten how fucking stupid it is.”

 

“I’ll tell you mine?” Phil says, smiling. “Maybe it’ll make you feel better?”

 

“Go on then,” Dan says from behind his hands.

 

“AmazingPhil.”

 

Dan laughs. “Sounds like a magician.”

 

“Well, who says I’m not?” Phil grins.

 

“Right. You’re like a one man variety show.”

 

“Yep,” Phil says, pausing for just a moment before saying, “Your turn.”

 

“Ugh,” Dan groans. “It’s danisnotonfire.” He can’t help cringing just a little bit.

 

“Hmm. I don’t get it,” Phil says, with as much kindness as Dan thinks could possibly be mustered in the face of something so ridiculous.

 

“Me neither, mate. I was fifteen. Fuck knows what I was thinking.”

 

“Well, I love it,” Phil says warmly, and Dan doesn’t understand how Phil can sound warm where literally anyone else would sound sarcastic. “It’s very Dan.”

 

“Thanks.” He takes the last swig of his now-cold coffee and winces. The heat was about the only thing it had going for it. “You hungry?”

 

“Always,” Phil replies instantly.

 

“I made pancakes.”

 

Phil’s face lights up, there just isn’t any other way to say it. His eyes widen and a grin eats up his cheeks. He looks like a little kid and all it took was Dan getting up a little earlier to fry some dough in a pan. “You didn’t.”

 

“I did. Delia Smith.”

 

“I really need to call my mum and thank her for forcing me to find a flatmate,” Phil laughs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just want to thank everyone who leaves comments here and on tumblr, you guys are the best and they mean to world to me. i feel weird about replying on here and making it look like i have more comments than i actually do but please know that i appreciate every single one more than i can even say <333


	7. Chapter 7

The day passes quickly in a steady stream of Studio Ghibli films, junk food and heated rounds of Mario Kart. Dan wonders at one point if maybe he should go outside and try to at least pretend he has a social life and friends. Maybe tomorrow. Right now he has the only friend he needs, sat rather close beside him on the sofa, getting his ass handed to him over and over.

 

“Shi-” Phil yells, clapping his hand over his mouth before he can follow through with the curse as Dean beats him yet again.

 

“What was that, Phil?” Dan gloats. “Thought you said you were definitely gonna win that one.”

 

“Whatever,” Phil says, tossing the controller at Dan and standing up, stretching his arms over his head. “I give up. You’re too good. You’re officially the Mario Kart master, ok? You win.”

 

“I know,” he says smugly.

 

“You need to shower though,” Phil says.

 

“What? How rude. You don’t like my natural manly scent?”

 

Phil laughs. “It’s up to you, but we have company coming over soon.”

 

Dan still feels a jolt of affection every time Phil says ‘we.’ He wonders if Phil even notices how often he does it now. “We do?”

 

“Yeah, Charlie, remember?”

 

“That’s today?”

 

“Uh huh.”

 

“Oh shit. I guess I should shower then,” he admits grudgingly. He still hasn’t even put trousers on over his pants.

 

“I mean, Charlie would probably more than appreciate your outfit choice,” Phil smirks.

 

“Oh yeah. I’m cute,” Dan laughs.

 

“You don’t smell cute, mate,” Phil wrinkles his nose.

 

“Oi, shut up!” Dan shouts. “I’m going to shower now, you asshole. Are you going to make food? Like, what are we doing tonight?”

 

“Well, it’s Charlie, so I’m going to assume some fairly heavy drinking and suggestive conversation,” Phil muses.

 

“Hmm. I cannot picture you drunk,” Dan says.

 

“In a couple hours, you won’t have to. Charlie has a gift. Go shower, he’ll be here soon.”

 

“Ok, ok,” he rolls his eyes, but the grin on his face belies his feigned exasperation.

 

When he steps out of the bathroom, he’s wrapped in a towel and not expecting the welcome he gets.

 

“Hi Dan!” Charlie shouts from down the hall. “Phil told me you hate wearing trousers, but he didn’t mention that you actually walk around his flat naked.”

 

“Our flat,” Phil corrects automatically, grabbing Charlie’s arm and dragging him back toward the lounge. “And shut up. You can’t harass him yet, you just got here. And he’s got no clothes on.”

 

“Don’t get dressed on my account, gorgeous!” Dan hears Charlie holler as he makes a beeline for his bedroom. Phil had been right about suggestive conversation, that’s for sure.

 

He throws on a tight black t-shirt and even tighter black jeans. He looks in the mirror at his hopelessly curling hair and decides fuck it, just for tonight, he’ll give his straighteners a rest. Obviously he doesn’t need to try too hard to make a good impression on Charlie, and Phil had said the curls were a good look…

 

Not that he cares what Phil thinks of his hair. Definitely doesn’t care about that.

 

When he joins Charlie and Phil in the lounge, they’ve already got a drink waiting for him.

 

“Oh fuck, black looks almost as good on you as naked,” Charlie says, raking his eyes over Dan’s body with unconcealed approval. “And the hair…”

 

“Charlie, Jesus Christ,” Phil mumbles, his cheeks aflame. “You’re not even drunk yet.”

 

“Don’t have to be drunk to appreciate a hot boy,” Charlie says with a smirk.

 

“Excuse me,” Dan says, taking the glass Phil hands to him and sitting next to Charlie, “Make that hot man.”

 

Charlie laughs. “See, Phil? Most people aren’t as prudish as you.”

 

Phil rolls his eyes. “This is gonna be a long night for me isn’t it?”

 

“Only if you’re lucky,” Charlie winks and puts his hand on Phil’s knee. The gesture looks natural and Dan notices that Phil doesn’t move away from Charlie’s touch as he might have expected him to.

 

“I think that ship has sailed,” Phil says quietly.

 

Dan’s heart jumps a little then, but he doesn’t care to analyze why right now. He takes a long drink before he realizes he has no idea what he’s actually drinking.

 

“What is this?” He asks, frowning. It tastes vaguely sweet and very strong. He can feel a tingle forming in the back of his throat after one sip.

 

“It’s literally every hard liquor you could think of mixed with a lot of syrup,” Phil says with disgust. “I was not joking. Charlie has perfected the art of getting his friends hammered. I’ve learned that the hard way.”

 

“Don’t pretend you don’t love it, Lester,” Charlie croons. “You’ve had some good times after drinking my drinks.”

 

Dan wouldn’t have thought it possible for Phil’s cheeks to go any redder, but he’d have been wrong about that. He takes a long chug of his drink, wanting the awkwardness to fade to drunkenness so he can escape the strange thrumming he suddenly feels under his skin that has nothing to do with the alcohol.

 

“Should we make play a game of some sort?” Dan asks.

 

“I’m impressed,” Charlie says. “I was just about to suggest that.”

 

“What should we play?” Dan asks. He looks at Phil, who looks like he could use an excuse to loosen up a little as well.

 

“Monopoly!” Phil says excitedly.

 

Charlie just looks at Phil with a blank expression. “Phil, please. Don’t insult me like that. He said a _game_ not _torture_. It has to involve, like, questions. And naughtiness.”

 

 

“Wouldn’t expect anything less from you,” Phil says, rolling his eyes, looking only slightly disappointed.

 

“I need to get to know this boy, Philly. I need to know if he’s good enough for you.”

 

“He is,” Phil says quickly, apparently before he has time to stop and think how that sounds, because he closes his eyes after he says it and shakes his head a little. “He’s a great flatmate,” he adds quickly. “He made me pancakes this morning.”

 

“Wow. Points for you,” Charlie says, placing his hand on Dan’s shoulder. “Nothing will endear Phil to you faster than sweets.”

 

“I’ll have him wrapped around my finger in no time, then,” Dan says, surprising himself, and apparently both men sat next to him too. This night could be fun or it could be excruciatingly awkward depending on how he reacts to Charlie’s flirtatiousness, so why not make it a good time?

 

“We’re definitely playing truth or dare, lads,” Charlie announces. “You must have known that’s what was going to happen here, right?”

 

“I should have,” Phil says. “I guess I thought you might come up with something a little less primary school, but I should know better by now.” He’s trying to sound annoyed, but his face radiates fondness.

 

“I think I need to be a little more drunk first,” Dan admits.

 

They spend the next half hour drinking. With the potency of Charlie’s mixology skills, it doesn’t take long before Dan feels warm and loose and fuzzy all over. It feels nice.

 

“Are we drunk yet?” Charlie slurs slightly.

 

“Definitely,” Phil answers. “Too drunk, probably.”

 

“Perfect. I’ll go first. Dan.” Charlie puts his hand on Dan’s thigh.

 

“Charlie,” Dan giggles.

 

“Truth or dare?”

 

“Truth.”

 

“Are you a virgin?”

 

“Charlie!” Phil scolds, swatting at Charlie’s shoulder. “What are you, twelve?!”

 

“Nope, not a virgin,” Dan answers. “My turn?”

 

Charlie nods.

 

“Ok, Charlie,” Dan says, his voice coming out much louder than he’s intended.

 

“Truth.”

 

“Ok, umm…” His mind is blank. Would it be stupid to just repeat Charlie’s question? He’s too drunk for thinking, already.

 

“Come on, Dan. Ask me anything. I’m not shy.” His hand is still on Dan’s thigh. He squeezes a little.

 

“Uhh… what do you think of Phil’s videos?”

 

Charlie looks disappointed. “They’re good—annoyingly good. Are you going to help me convince him to actually post one?”

 

“Dan and I have a little deal worked out, actually,” Phil says happily. His eyelids are a little heavier than normal, his voice deep and relaxed.

 

“Are you fucking serious? I’ve been trying to convince you to upload for months and along comes a pretty boy and just like that you’re ready?”

 

“You’ve been replaced,” Phil jokes. Charlie punches him in the arm.

 

“You fucking wanker.”

 

“Phil’s turn!” Dan shouts. Why is he shouting? He’s really not trying to shout.

 

“Ok. Dan.” Phil turns his whole body to face Dan. It’s almost as if Charlie isn’t even there, sat squarely between them.

 

“Umm, truth?” He also hadn’t meant for that to leave his mouth a question.

 

“You sure?” Phil laughs

 

Dan nods.

 

“Ok… What happened with you and your girlfriend?”

 

“Fuck, Phil, boundaries,” Charlie says.

 

“Sorry, sorry, couldn’t think of anything,” Phil mumbles.

 

“It’s ok,” Dan assures. “Umm, I think we just grew apart? We were together for three years, then we went to different universities and… it just didn’t work out.”

 

“You blokes are fucking boring,” Charlie says, shaking his head. “I’m trying to make this fun, not serious and depressing. My turn! Phil.”

 

“Oh god,” Phil says, taking another long drink. “Truth I guess. I shudder to think what dare you might give me right now.”

 

“The game is called truth or _dare_ not truth or truth,” Charlie says, exasperated. “You know my questions are gonna get way worse if you don’t choose a dare soon, right?”

 

“Truth,” Phil replies, undeterred by Charlie’s threats.

 

“Fine. What’s your favourite sex act, Philip?”

 

Phil chokes on his drink a little. Dan laughs, a huffed out, surprised sounding laugh.

 

Phil buries his face in his hands and mutters, “Blowjobs,” as quietly as he can while still being audible.

 

“Giving or receiving?” Charlie smirks and Phil jams his knee into the side of Charlie’s thigh.

 

“One question per turn,” he says.

 

Dan knows he shouldn’t feel the stirrings that he feels, low down in places that shouldn’t be feeling things when he’s sat with friends. But he feels them. They’re there. He’s too fucking drunk to pretend they’re not there.

 

“Sounds about right, though, either way,” Charlie says, bumping his shoulder into Phil’s.

 

“I hate you, Casey,” Phil says with absolutely no conviction whatsoever. “Whose turn is it?”

 

“Dan’s,” Charlie says.

 

“Ok. Phil,” Dan says, turning to look at his red-faced flatmate.

 

“Dare.”

 

Dan raises his eyebrows. Phil shrugs.

 

“Ok…” He thinks for a minute. What does he want to ask Phil to do with impunity?

 

Why does his brain choose this precise moment to replay the image of Phil muttering “blowjobs” into his hands? Damn his drunk, horny brain, allowing forbidden impulses to slip through all the filters he’s carefully laid out over the past few years.

 

“I dare you to bring me something to eat, I’m fucking starving,” he blurts. Apparently his mouth is going into ‘protect Dan from his own thoughts’ mode.

 

Phil laughs, relieved. He hauls himself off the sofa and heads for the kitchen.

 

Charlie scowls. “I don’t think you fuckwits understand the point of this game.”

 

“We do,” Phil laughs from the kitchen and Dan hears the sounds of things being moved around in the fridge. “It’s just really bloody fun to annoy you.”

 

Phil returns a minute later with a bowl of strawberries.

 

“Phi-il, you brought me something healthy?” Dan surprises himself by whingeing in the whiniest voice he’s ever heard come out of his mouth.

 

Phil giggles. “It’ll probably be the first time since you moved in. I think you need it.”

 

Before he can hand the bowl to Dan, Charlie snatches it. “Ok, motherfuckers, my goddamn turn.”

 

“Is it?” Phil asks.

 

“I don’t care. It is now, whether you like it or not.”

 

“But I want my strawberries,” Dan whines again.

 

“Don’t worry, you’ll get them,” Charlie says suggestively. “Phil, truth or dare? If you fucking say truth, I swear to god our friendship is over.”

 

“Dare then,” he says, folding his arms over his chest. Dan can tell that Phil is really, properly drunk now because he doesn’t look apprehensive about whatever Charlie is about to subject him to.

 

“I dare you to feed these to Dan.”

 

Dan expects to hear Phil protest, or laugh, or hide his face in his hands or honestly _anything_ besides what he actually does next, which is to turn his body to face Dan, pluck a strawberry from the bowl and lean in across Charlie’s body, again, as if he isn’t even there. His eyes lock onto Dan’s and they’re blue, piercingly so, with a little bit of green swirling around the edges. He isn’t smiling. For once, there is no blush colouring his cheeks, just fair, smooth skin, a faint growth of stubble.

 

Before he has time to even think about what is actually happening here, Dan feels himself lean forward as well, resting his hand on Charlie’s thigh without even really noticing, as Phil raises the strawberry up to Dan’s mouth. Dan doesn’t take his eyes off Phil’s.

 

Phil pushes the strawberry so gently against Dan’s lips that it honestly feels a little like a kiss. Dan opens his mouth just a little and sinks his teeth into the sweet red flesh of the fruit, his lip brushing against Phil’s thumb, and it’s only then that Phil breaks eye contact. For whatever reason, the touch of Dan’s lip on his skin causes Phil to close his eyes, just for a brief second, but Dan sees it and wonders if Phil can see evidence of the rush of heat that burns down his neck and chest.

 

“Fuck, boys, do you need me to leave you two alone?” Charlie’s voice startles them both out of whatever trance they’d seemed to fall into. Phil laughs nervously.

 

Dan doesn’t laugh. He doesn’t know if he’ll be able to compartmentalize this later.

 

“Do I have to feed him every single one?” Phil asks.

 

“Do you want to?” Charlie asks, and Dan can’t tell if he’s teasing or not, so he grabs the bowl from Charlie and shoves a strawberry into his mouth.

 

“Too slow,” he mumbles, his voice garbled by the half-chewed berry and the growing feeling of drunkenness seeping into his limbs.

 

“Well, fuck,” Charlie breathes. “I don’t know if I can top that.”

 

“What, no more forced confessions? You’re not trying to get anyone to kiss?” Phil says, leaning his back into the sofa.

 

“Again Philip, do you want me to?” Charlie cocks his eyebrow at Phil.

 

“It’s my turn,” Dan says then. “Phil, truth or dare.”

 

“I just did one!” Phil protests.

 

“Two, actually,” Charlie points out.

 

“Just pick truth, you spoon.” Dan continues to eat his strawberries. They taste fucking amazing after the Charlie’s sickly sweet and yet simultaneously bitter drinks.

 

“Go on then,” Phil says.

 

“Is Charlie your boyfriend?” Dan surprises even himself a little with that. But it’s what he really wants to know, so he figures he may as well take advantage of his inebriation. There’s always tomorrow to feel gut-wrenchingly embarrassed. Who knows, maybe none of them will even remember any of this in the morning.

 

Charlie looks at Phil with a smirk. They give each other a knowing glance before Phil says, “No.”

 

“No? That’s it?” Dan says, admittedly a little annoyed that Charlie has chosen this moment to go quiet. “How does Charlie know how much you like blowjobs?”

 

Charlie snorts. “Fuck, I think I broke him!”

 

“Shut up, Charlie.” Phil shoves him. Now his face is red again, Dan notes.

 

Phil looks at Dan. “Charlie has a boyfriend named Stephen. Not that you would know from how much he’s been hitting on you tonight.”

 

“Why do you wanna know so bad, Dan?” Charlie muses.

 

“I was just… wondering,” he mumbles, reaching for a strawberry and pouting when he realizes he’s eaten them all. “I have no more berries.”

 

Phil laughs. “You want more?”

 

Dan nods. Phil takes the bowl and heads for the kitchen. Charlie looks at Dan then, his face studying Dan rather intensely.

 

“What’s your deal?” He asks Dan quietly.

 

“What d’you mean?” He’s definitely a little taken aback. Charlie’s whole demeanour has changed instantly. His voice is soft, all traces of flirtation and teasing replaced by a sudden stillness.

 

“Are you into him?”

 

Dan feels the blood drain from his face. Luckily he doesn’t have time to think of anything to say before Phil returns, handing Dan the bowl again.

 

Then Dan thinks he must be dreaming, because he feels Phil’s thumb rub his bottom lip gently. “It’s red from the berries. Looks like you’re wearing lipstick,” he says, as if in a daze, pressing lightly. “Looks good.”

 

It’s entirely possible that Dan’s heart actually stops beating in that moment.

 

“Alright then!” Charlie says loudly, standing up and pushing Phil to the side a little. Dan feels a strange mingling of relief and emptiness as Phil’s hand falls from Dan’s face. “I think I better be going.”

 

“Already?” Phil asks.

 

“Walk me out, Lester,” Charlie says. “Bye, Dan. It was really nice to meet you.”

 

“You too,” Dan murmurs.

 

He hears them speaking in hushed tones as Phil walks with Charlie toward the front door, but he’s too shaken to try to hear what it is they’re saying. He puts the strawberries down and gets up, turns toward the kitchen, hoping there’s more booze. He wants to make sure this night is as fuzzy as possible, and suddenly he’s feeling all too sober.

 

He sees a bottle of Bacardi on the counter and grabs it. He flops back onto the sofa and watches Phil shut the door behind Charlie.

 

“You’ve got some interesting friends, mate,” Dan slurs.

 

“I warned you.” Phil slumps beside him.

 

“Are you tired?” Dan asks.

 

“No. You?”

 

Dan shakes his head. “You told me Charlie would get me hammered. I don’t think I’m there yet.”

 

“Are you disappointed?”

 

“A little. It’s been a long time since I drank irresponsibly,” Dan says.

 

“Well, we don’t have to stop just because he left,” Phil says cautiously.

 

“K,” Dan says and he opens the bottle and takes a swig. “Fuck, that’s almost as bad as Charlie’s drink,” he winces, handing the bottle to Phil. “Phil?”

 

“Yeah?” He says after taking a shot of his own and scrunching up his face.

 

“Did I… do something wrong? He wasn’t here for very long, was he?”

 

“No, don’t worry. Charlie’s a flake. He probably had another party to go to or something.”

 

“I know I don’t really know either of you that well, but… he seems really different from you. Like, I can’t even really picture you guys as friends or… anything more.”

 

“Why do you think we were ever something more?” Phil asks, turning his head to look at Dan.

 

“I mean, it just seems like that,” Dan says quietly. “I’m sorry. I guess that’s just what he’s like, right? I shouldn’t have assumed… You probably have a girlfriend or something right? And I’m just a dick who hasn’t bothered to ask you anything or try to get to know you properly—”

 

“Dan,” Phil cuts off Dan’s nervous rambling. “I don’t have a girlfriend. Definitely not. Charlie and I… we really are just friends—now. We could have maybe… been something. But that was a long time ago. We’re just good friends now.”

 

Dan nods. He doesn’t know what to say, so he takes another drink. His head is starting to swim. “This might not have been the best idea.”

 

“What? Moving in with me?” Phil says quietly.

 

“No!” There he goes again with the unintentional shouting. “I just meant drinking more. I have to work tomorrow.”

 

Phil laughs. “Good luck with that!”

 

“Cheers, mate.”

 

“It’s not that late, actually. We have time to sober up a bit before we go to bed.”

 

We. The word echoes in Dan’s ears. Before we go to bed.

 

Why? Why does this send a literal shiver down his spine? Drinking had definitely been a mistake. Drinking makes him lose control, and that’s not what he needs in his life right now.

 

“What should we do?” Dan asks.

 

“We could just watch something?”

 

Phil turns out the lights and puts season one of Buffy on the tv. They both curl up on opposite ends of the sofa and watch for hours until Phil is gently shaking Dan’s shoulder and whispering, “Dan. Dan, wake up. You should move to your bed or your spine will be destroyed in the morning.”

 

They walk down the hall together until they get to Dan’s room. “Goodnight,” Dan says, his back to Phil, already halfway through the door.

 

“Night, Bear,” Phil whispers.

 

Dan turns around in shock at hearing his childhood nickname coming out of Phil’s mouth, but he’s already walking away.

 

His heart is pounding and his head is spinning as he steps into his room and closes the door. He melts into his bed without so much as taking off his jeans. He’s half asleep before his head even touches the pillow, but even then he can still feel a tingling on his bottom lip where the pad of Phil’s thumb had gently stroked it hours earlier.


	8. Chapter 8

When his alarm goes off the next morning, he knows instantly that there’s not a chance in hell he’s going to make it into work. He digs the heels of his palms into his eyes and groans. His head is pounding and his stomach is churning dangerously. Charlie’s drinks must have affected him more than he’d thought.

 

He digs his phone out of his pocket and blinks his eyes until the haze has cleared enough to make out the numbers on it. He dials the number for Focus and doesn’t have any trouble sounding wrecked as he tells his boss he’s too sick to come in. He must sound really bad, because he hardly gets any shit about it.

 

He manages to find enough strength to peel off his jeans before burrowing back under the covers and falling asleep again.

 

The second time he wakes up it’s because Phil is sitting on the edge of his bed with a glass of water and some painkillers. “Take these and drink this,” he whispers. “You’ll thank me in a few hours.”

 

He doesn’t remember falling asleep the second time, but when wakes up again, he feels a lot better. Phil had been right.

 

Dan drags himself out of bed and straight into a hot shower. He lets the steam clear his head and takes his time scrubbing himself with Phil’s vanilla bean scented body wash. Phil has the best bath products.

 

Once he’s clean and dry, he puts on his now standard pants and hoodie combo and wanders out into the kitchen. Phil is nowhere to be seen, and Dan can’t hear him either. The old man must be in rough shape, Dan laughs to himself. He fills the kettle and turns it on, then puts some bread in the toaster. He’s not really hungry but he needs something to soak up the bile bubbling in his tender stomach.

 

He checks the time: 2pm. He wonders if Phil has had his first coffee of the day yet.

 

He walks down the hall and knocks very lightly on Phil’s bedroom door. “Phil?”

 

He hears a grunt in response.

 

“Do you want some coffee and toast?

 

“Yes please.” His voice is husky.

 

“You gonna come out here to eat?”

 

“No, can you bring it here?”

 

“Alright, lazy,” Dan laughs.

 

He makes the coffee a little stronger than usual and omits the sugar. It’s going to taste like shit but he thinks it’ll help the pounding in his temples and the clenching in his gut.

 

Once everything is ready he takes Phil’s portion and brings it to the door, carefully manoeuvring to open it without spilling anything. Phil is wrapped up in his blanket like a burrito, the only part of him visible to Dan is a tuft of straight black hair poking out the top.

 

“Special delivery,” Dan coos. He laughs when Phil’s head pops out.

 

“Bless you, Daniel,” Phil croaks, rubbing his eyes, which Dan notices then are more than a little bloodshot. “Ugh, I forgot to take my contacts out last night.”

 

“Are they out now?”

 

“Yeah but it still hurts,” Phil pouts. “Can you hand me my glasses, please?”

 

Dan obliges with a chuckle. “Anything else, sir?”

 

Phil shakes his head. “Thanks for this.”

 

“Well you did bring me drugs this morning, so it’s the least I can do,” Dan says, turning to leave and return to his own breakfast.

 

“Wait, Dan?”

 

Dan turns, his eyebrows raised questioningly.

 

“What are you doing right now?” Phil asks timidly.

 

“Was gonna do the same thing as you, mate.”

 

“Do you wanna watch something with me?”

 

“Always,” Dan replies, before he has time to analyze the various nuances of implication in that phrasing. “You gonna come out after all?”

 

Phil shakes his head. “Laptop?” He says quietly.

 

“In here?” Dan asks.

 

Phil nods.

 

Dan surprises himself by answering quickly. “Alright. Be right back.”

 

He decides to bring his own blanket along with his coffee and toast. He wraps it around himself and sits on the bed next to Phil, who is similarly cocooned in his own comforter still.

 

“Buffy?” Phil asks. Dan nods.

 

They watch in comfortable silence as they drink their coffee and eat their toast. Once they’re done and the episode ends, Phil seems to hesitate. He doesn’t start another episode.

 

“Want me to clear out, let you sleep some more?” Dan asks, not wanting to put Phil in the awkward position of having to ask to him to leave.

 

“Not unless you want to,” Phil says softly.

 

“I called in sick to work and it wasn’t even technically a lie. I’ve got nowhere to be and no energy to do anything but lie in bed anyway…”

 

“K,” Phil replies with a hint of a smile, but Dan still senses something’s off.

 

“You alright?”

 

“Yeah,” Phil answers, pushing his glasses up. “I just… I wanted to make sure… you’re not like, weird. About last night.”

 

“Why would I be?” He can feel his heartbeat in his throat all of a sudden.

 

“I just know that Charlie can… push people sometimes. Especially people in my life. It’s just this thing he does. He likes to test people…”

 

“To see if they’re good enough for you, right?” Dan recalls what Charlie had said the night before. He also remembers what Phil’s immediate response had been and smiles.

 

Phil smiles back. “Right. I guess. I don’t really know why. That’s the excuse he gives.”

 

“He’s a good friend. And he’s fun. Last night was fun,” Dan assures. “You don’t have to worry about me Phil, I’m not that delicate.”

 

“Ok… Do you wanna watch another episode?”

 

Dan thinks for a minute. He’s practically lying down. In Phil’s bed. With Phil right beside him. There seems to have been some sort of subtle shift between them since the strange intimacy of the strawberry feeding and he wonders if he can use it to his advantage. “Actually, I was thinking maybe we could watch… one of your videos?” His voice pitches up significantly on the last word.

 

Phil looks over at Dan, right into his eyes. “You remember our deal?” Dan nods. “And you’re not like, crossing your fingers? You’ll actually film a video of your own?”

 

“Yeah, of course. I said I would right?”

 

“Do you know what you’d wanna film?”

 

“I have an idea…”

 

“Will you tell me? I can help you if you want… I do have some ace editing skills, you know.” He smirks.

 

“Ace,” Dan laughs. “You’re so Northern, Phil.” He runs his hand through the mess of tangled curls atop his head, stalling for a few extra moments to think.

He takes a deep breath and sighs as he exhales. “I promise I’ll do it and I’ll tell you and I’ll be happy for the help. I just need to think about it a little while longer. I never actually thought I’d do it…”

 

“Ok,” Phil says. “Do you still wanna watch mine?”

 

“Yes, I really do.”

 

“Ok, I’ll set some up for you, but I can’t be here when you watch them.”

 

“Phil, come on. You don’t have to feel weird. I’m not that much of an asshole.”

 

“I think that’s probably true,” Phil says with a playful smile. “But I’m just going to be too weirded out watching you watching me.”

 

“Did you watch Charlie watch them?” There is an edge of intensity to his voice that he really hadn’t intended.

 

“Definitely not.”

 

“Alright then,” Dan replies, and he wishes that response didn’t make him feel relieved.

 

Phil takes a few minutes to line up some videos, then climbs out of the bed, his green and blue blanket still wrapped around his shoulders like a cape. “Tell me when you’re done.”

 

Dan nods. He watches Phil leave the room and shut the door behind him before pressing play.

 

He watches a few videos that are just Phil sat on his bed talking about various experiences he’s had or strange people he’s met. He watches a few videos that are wonderfully weird and dark with editing that obviously took time and skill to complete. Then he watches a series of videos called ‘why I was a weird kid’ and ‘things I thought were true that are not true,’ and he finds himself laughing, properly laughing. What he sees is Phil being dorky and silly and strangely candid. It’s the same Phil he’s coming to know, but definitely a curated version of him. He’s watched enough YouTube to recognize that these videos are good. Quirky, endearing, definitely niche but one he thinks may not be filled yet on the internet by anyone as strangely magnetic and charming as Phil. He wonders what the hell is stopping him from posting these and getting on with his career as a successful YouTuber.

 

“Phil!” He yells, because he just can’t wait to talk about this. “Phil, I’m done, come in here!”

 

Phil opens the door with a sheepish look on his face. He sits next to Dan on the bed but avoids Dan’s eyes. “How bad?”

 

“You fucking dingus. Don’t even say that. You must know these are good? Did Charlie not tell you how good these are?”

 

“You actually like them? You don’t have to—”

 

“Shut up Phil. Don’t be daft. These are good and you know it.”

 

Phil beams, but seems unable to think of anything to say.

 

“I think they’re so good in fact, that I want to film one of my own as soon as possible, just so I can see one of these uploaded.”

 

“Really? I thought you needed time to think.”

 

He had, it’s true. He’d had an idea in his head that he thought could have potential, maybe. But watching Phil’s videos, seeing that he could be himself and make something funny and oddly sweet, or dark and weird, and have it turn out like _this_ —honestly, it’s inspired him. At the very least he can give it a go. Something about Phil and his videos makes Dan feel like just this once, it’d be good to take a risk, to try something new, and maybe even succeed.

 

“Changed my mind,” he says, with a confidence he’s rarely heard from his own mouth.

 

“You wanna tell me your idea?” Phil asks.

 

“It’s kind of similar to yours in a way, like making fun of myself for things I do that are like, weird or stupid. I was thinking ‘reasons why Dan’s a fail.’ I’ll be able to make endless videos.”

 

“Shut up,” Phil says, pushing Dan’s shoulder gently. “The only thing I can think of is maybe ‘coffee snob’ or ‘the most foul mouthed video game player of all time’ and those aren’t even really fails.”

 

“Oh Phil, you still have so much to learn about me, mate,” Dan chuckles.

 

“Can I help you film it?”

 

“I mean, I don’t even think I can do it without you. First of all, I don’t even have a camera.”

 

“A camera definitely helps.”

 

They spend the next hour talking about writing and filming and editing and Dan feels himself growing excited. He’d always fancied himself a creative person, but truthfully had never found an outlet to express it. He’s always allowed the fiercely critical, self-doubting part of his brain to convince himself that anything he does will inevitably fail. But he thinks maybe he’s come up with the perfect solution. Make a video—or maybe even multiple videos—about just that: his shortcomings, his hang-ups, his insecurities. He could essentially turn it into a form of therapy.

 

He promises Phil he’ll think about it over the next few days and try to write himself a script of sorts.

 

“So do I have to film mine before you post yours or can you just trust me?” Dan asks.

 

They’ve finally managed to make the grand migration from Phil’s bed to the sofa in the lounge. They have not managed to shed their blanket capes. Buffy is playing on the telly, but it’s little more than background noise. They’re still talking about their videos.

 

“I trust you, Dan,” Phil says with such fervour it’s almost painful for Dan to hear. “I’m just scared as hell.”

 

“I kind of get it, because I will be too, but you really don’t need to be. I promise. I would not lie. I’m not an asshole but I’m also not that nice.”

 

“I haven’t seen any evidence of that,” Phil says quietly.

 

Dan bites his lip. He’s not used to this, doesn’t know if he’ll ever _get_ used to it, to someone being so unfailingly kind all the time. Even if it is kind of bullshit. Phil just happens to bring out the best in Dan.

 

“I mean, I guess the thing to remember is that even if you post it, it doesn’t mean that many people will watch it, right?”

 

“I guess…”

 

“Shit, I didn’t mean that in a rude way. I just mean that…” he trails off. He can feel himself digging a hole

 

Phil smiles. “I know, Dan. It’s ok. It’ll get three views and then I can move on and find something more productive to do.”

 

“Or,” Dan says, nudging Phil in the leg with his knee. “People will love it and you’ll have found your calling in life.”

 

Phil laughs. “Right.”

 

“You never know.” What the fuck has Phil done to him? He’s turning into an honest to god optimist. “Can we post one? Please?” He’s devolved into full on begging now.

 

Phil is silent for a long time before he says anything. “Ok,” he chokes. “Which one?”

 

*

 

A few hours later, Phil has wrapped his blanket all the way around himself, including his head, and is cowering on the sofa. He’s just clicked publish on ‘why I was a weird kid.’

 

Dan picks up Phil’s laptop and closes the lid gently. “Phil,” he says softly. “It’s done. We can just leave it now, you don’t even have to think about it anymore. We can do something else, if you want, to distract you.”

 

Dan sees the shape of Phil’s head nod from beneath the blanket.

 

“Do you wanna go out?” Dan asks.

 

“No. Still feel like crap,” Phil replies, his voice muffled.

 

“Alright then, let’s cook something. You should eat.”

 

“I want cookies.” He sounds like a literal child. Dan laughs.

 

“Let’s make cookies, Philip.”

 

They make cookies, only burning them slightly. They eat way too many in between rounds of Donkey Kong. Dan thinks he manages to help Phil forget about what he can only assume is crushing fear and anxiety about putting himself out there for all the internet to see and judge. He hasn’t forgotten though. He feels pride.

 

It’s weird, he thinks to himself, to feel proud of someone you’ve only know a few weeks, but there it is. He’s proud of Phil.


	9. Chapter 9

“We should do something today,” Phil announces as he enters Dan’s room without knocking, coffee in hand.

 

“Good morning to you too, mate,” Dan mumbles sleepily. He takes the mug Phil holds out for him.

 

“I haven’t left this flat in an embarrassingly long time, Dan. Honestly. Embarrassing.”

 

Dan can’t help but notice that Phil hadn’t even bothered to ask if he wanted to do something with him. It’s just assumed now. Never me, always we.

 

“Oh wait, do you have to work?”

 

“Fuck. Yeah I do, actually.” He checks his phone. “Fuck! In an hour. I need a shower.” He looks at Phil, who looks decidedly disappointed. “I’m off at six. We can do something then?”

 

“K.”

 

Dan sits up, takes a long drink of his coffee before looking at Phil. He knows Phil’s mind is somewhere far away, thinking about the video he posted last night, desperately wanting to open his laptop and check on its progress, terrified of what he might find. “You feeling weird about the video?” Dan asks quietly.

 

Phil nods.

 

“You should tell Charlie. Maybe he can come over for a bit? He’ll be so pleased with you, Phil.”

 

“I hadn’t thought of that,” Phil admits. “I’ll call him once you’ve left.”

 

“Ok,” Dan says, looking at Phil over the rim of his mug. Phil looks sad, distracted, like the thought of having to be alone for any amount of time today is too much. Dan’s chest tightens a little, inexplicably.

 

Well, maybe not exactly inexplicably, but at the very least interestingly. He knows what he’s feeling, he just still hasn’t come to grips with the insane fact that Phil, this man Dan’s known for all of a few weeks, can cause Dan’s chest to tighten with just a melancholy expression. Dan doesn’t like it. He really doesn’t like that look on Phil’s face, and he’s feeling an overwhelming compulsion to make it go away. Especially since it had been Dan who’d pressured Phil to upload the video in the first place.

 

“I’m sorry Phil,” he says quietly. “I would call in sick again if I didn’t desperately need the money. I really like living here, after all. Don’t want you kicking me out in a week because I can’t afford the rent.”

 

“Don’t be daft, Dan,” Phil says, plastering a conspicuously disingenuous smile on his tired face. “I’ll be fine.”

 

Dan just stares at him for a minute. Phil stares back. He lets the smile fall.

 

“People are going to love it.” Dan’s voice is almost a whisper.

 

“Right.” Phil obviously doesn’t take stock in these words.

 

“Well I do. And Charlie does.”

 

“Mhmm.” Phil looks away from Dan then, down at his feet, with their mismatched, brightly coloured socks.

 

“Phil,” Dan says, and waits to continue until Phil looks up at him. “What are you so worried about?”

 

Phil sighs. “Nothing, really. I’m just being a little dramatic I guess. I just… I don’t like being judged. I don’t like to… share things about myself.”

 

“I get that, I really do. I’m exactly the same. But you have something special here, like I really think you have a talent for this, and people should see it. I mean, unless you _really_ don’t wanna share it…”

 

Phil shakes his head. “I do. It’s just scary.”

 

“Yeah,” Dan says, putting his mug down on the small bedside table. He hesitates a moment before reaching out and putting his hand on Phil’s gently. “Don’t worry Phil—fuck. Oh my god, your hands are _so_ soft, what the hell.” He’d meant to say something encouraging, or maybe funny to lighten to mood, but the skin on the back of Phil’s hand feels like silk under his fingertips. It’s overwhelming.

 

Phil laughs, “I know. People tell me that all the time. I moisturize every day,” he says with pride and Dan laughs then too. It’s not the way he’d meant to break the tension, but it’d worked all the same.

 

“Ok, Lester, I need to shower, right now, or I’m going to be late for work and then I’ll get sacked and I’ll have to move back to Wokingham and live with my parents and all my dreams will be dead.”

 

“You better go shower then. I don’t want you to leave me here alone.” Phil smiles, then gets up and leaves the room, leaving Dan alone with his racing heart.

 

*

 

Once again he finds himself in the customer toilet, hiding from any and everyone who would make him do even the most reasonable amount of work. At this point he really has Focus to thank for maintaining his friendship with Rain.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: can i ask you something_

 

His hands shake a little as he types out the text. She’s really not the person he wants to talk to about this, but she’s also probably the person who knows him best in the world. He tries not to think about how genuinely depressing that is, considering how he’s treated her for the past year and how little he actually gets to see her in person.

 

**_Rain_ ** _: of course_

**_Dan_ ** _: you can’t laugh or slag me off, even in a jokey way_

**_Rain_ ** _: i promise. do you have news?_

**_Dan_ ** _: uhh… no, not really. actually maybe i kinda do but that’s not what i wanted to talk about atm_

**_Rain_ ** _: ok. let’s have it then_

**_Dan_ ** _: it’s gonna sound super weird.._

**_Rain_ ** _: everything you say is fucking weird, daniel. i’m used to it_

He actually literally physically cringes as he presses send on the next text.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: i was just wondering if you ever like, look at other girls and think they’re hot?_

 

**_Rain_ ** _: yeah of course_

 

He takes a deep breath and shoves his phone into his pocket as soon as he sends the next text, as if he can hide from the awkwardness.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: so how do you know you’re not into girls?_

 

His phone buzzes and he actually considers never looking at it again, just so he doesn’t have to deal with whatever her response is.

 

The curiosity quickly becomes too much to resist.

 

**_Rain_ ** _: how do you know i’m not_

 

He stares at his phone for a good minute. He can’t tell if she’s fucking with him or not. He should have just called her.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: are you?_

**_Rain_ ** _: no. but you shouldn’t assume stuff like that, dan. you of all people should know that_

**_Dan_ ** _: what does that mean?_

**_Rain_ ** _: i think you know_

**_Dan_ ** _: i don’t. that’s why i’m asking you. but i guess that was a mistake_

 

He can’t help it; he’s angry. This isn’t what he needs right now.

 

His phone rings.

 

“What?” He spits.

 

“I’m sorry, Dan. I really am. I’ll stop being a bitch now I promise.”

 

He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t know _what_ to say.

 

“I think I may have a little bit of internalized anger towards you still. I’m really sorry about that. I’ll try to keep it under control.”

 

“Fine.” He’s still shaken, but he also knows that she has every right to be mad, every right not to want anything to do with this particular conversation.

 

“So, you want to know how I know I’m not attracted to girls I find attractive?”

 

“Yeah,” he grunts.

 

“I mean I think it’s pretty obvious—I don’t want to fuck them.”

 

“Jesus, Rain.”

 

“Sorry, but it’s true. I don’t think about kissing them or touching them or anything. But it’s human nature to look at a pretty thing and recognize that it’s pretty. It’s kind of sad that that’s been stigmatized, especially for blokes.”

 

“But… I’m not talking about blokes.”

 

“Right. Of course not. I’m just saying. There’s no deep meaning behind finding someone of the same sex attractive.”

 

“Right.” He winces when he hears the undisguised uncertainty in his tone. “But what about if you like, _think_ about fucking them?”

 

“Mhmm,” she says, and even through the phone Dan can tell that she’s biting her lip, holding back.

 

“Like what if you don’t _know_ that you want to fuck them but you _think_ about what it might be like to fuck them. Or kiss them, or touch them or whatever.”

 

“And this is totally hypothetical, right Daniel?”

 

“Of course,” he says quickly.

 

“Because you know you don’t have to—”

 

“One hundred percent hypothetical,” he interjects.

 

She sighs quietly. “Well, I think that’s called being confused, Dan.”

 

*

 

Phil is there, waiting outside for Dan when he finally gets off work. He’s relieved to see a smile on Phil’s face—a real one—the kind that reaches all the way up to his eyes.

 

“Did you have a good day then?” Dan asks.

 

Phil starts walking down the pavement like he knows exactly where they’re going, even though they hadn’t actually discussed what they wanted to do. Dan follows.

 

“Yeah. Charlie came over.”

 

“And? I assume you told him about the video?”

 

“Yeah. I made him check on it for me.” Phil says, looking somewhat shamefaced.

 

“God, Phil, stop being so secretive. Tell me everything!”

 

“He said it was only nice comments. It didn’t have very many views, but no one was mean about it.”

 

“That’s great. Have you checked it yourself?”

 

“No.”

 

“Phil,” Dan says and gives him a mock stern look.

 

“I will eventually!” Phil laughs. “Maybe.”

 

“Are you gonna upload more?”

 

“Not until you do.”

 

“That wasn’t part of the deal!” Dan protests.

 

“Well, it is now, Howell. Video for video.”

 

Dan rolls his eyes. “Fine. No one’s going to watch mine anyway.”

 

“Why would people watch mine and not yours?” Phil asks.

 

“Because you’re funny and charming and cute, and I’m depressing and sarcastic and insecure.”

 

Phil looks at Dan then. “You think I’m cute?”

 

“Shut up.” He pushes Phil’s shoulder, laughing. “You know what I mean.”

 

“Yeah, you mean I’m cute, and you’re not wrong. I’m bloody adorable.”

 

“You twat,” Dan says, shaking his head and smiling. “Where are we going anyway?”

 

“Skybar.”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“It’s literally a bar in the sky. It’s really cool.”

 

“Can we get food first? I’m starving.”

 

“That’s the plan. Skybar is best when the sun is setting anyway.”

 

They duck into the first fast food place they come across. They sit across from each other in a small booth and Dan watches Phil shovel pizza into his mouth quite unceremoniously.

 

“Did you eat anything today while I was at work?” Dan asks.

 

“Umm, not really,” Phil mumbles through a mouthful of cheese and dough.

 

“Phil,” Dan reprimands.

 

“I’m sorry! I’m just so lazy. Plus I still felt so weird about the video.”

 

“Why do you even eat pizza? You know it has cheese on it, right?” Dan teases, suddenly remembering the look of disgust on Phil’s face when Dan had put some cheddar in their trolley at Tesco.

 

“It’s just different when it’s on pizza.”

 

“It’s really not,” Dan chuckles. “Stop discriminating against cheese.”

 

“It tastes like feet,” Phil says, wrinkling his nose.

 

“How do you know what feet taste like? Do you have some weird kinks you wanna tell me about, mate?”

 

“Not for feet,” Phil says cheekily.

 

Dan hopes Phil doesn’t notice the little red patch forming on his cheek. He knows it’s there, he can fucking feel it, betraying him as it always does when he’d rather just keep his embarrassing hormonal reactions to himself.

 

*

 

The skybar is incredible. It’s on the twenty-third floor of the Hilton hotel and it’s posh and expensive-looking and intimidatingly gorgeous, even before Dan notices the floor to ceiling windows and the truly breathtaking view of the city. The lighting is dim and the carpet is dark and there are twinkling lights all around the edges of the enormous room, creating a feeling of actually being in the sky.

 

“Holy fuck, Phil, I don’t think I can afford this place,” Dan whispers.

 

“Don’t worry,” Phil whispers back, “I’ve got it.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah, to thank you for helping me finally get over my fear.”

 

“Of posting the video?”

 

Phil nods.

 

“Phil, you don’t have to—”

 

“I want to. And this way I get to choose your drink.”

 

Dan smiles. “Alright then, surprise me.” He sits in a plush sofa chair right beside the window and looks out over the city he now calls home. He watches the sun moving slowly toward the horizon, lighting up all the streets and buildings below him in brilliant pink and yellow rays.

 

Phil returns after a few minutes and hands him an orange drink in a fancy glass.

 

“Thanks. What is it?”

 

“Try it.” He has a suspiciously cheeky look on his face.

 

Dan takes a sip. It tastes like vanilla and tea and fruit and warms him as he swallows it. “Wow, fuck me, that’s so good.” He moans a little, despite his best efforts to control himself. He’s always had a somewhat inappropriate reaction to delicious things.

 

“That noise is very appropriate for this particular drink,” Phil chuckles.

 

“Why? What is it?”

 

“A pixelated porn star.”

 

*

 

Later that night, after he’s said goodnight to Phil, he lies in bed, debating whether or not this is a text he really wants to send.

 

If he does it, he can’t take it back. The information will be out in the world, the thoughts in his head validated by more than just his own physical reactions. It’s terrifying, but he honestly doesn’t want to do it alone anymore. He’d thought he could just table it, come back to it some day when he had all his other shit together.

 

Turns out, he can’t. He feels it stronger every day, and he wants to talk about it with someone who knows him, who won’t judge him.

 

Basically, he wants to tell Rain. And he doesn’t even know why he’s scared, because she obviously already knows, and maybe even has for a while. So he types the message with his pulse pounding in his ears and closes his eyes as he presses send.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: i think i’m a little confused_


	10. Chapter 10

Dan is sat on the balcony again, Phil beside him, drinking coffee, munching toast, admiring the view. They’ve both woken up earlier than usual. They’re quiet. The air still has a little of the nighttime cool and for once, Dan is wearing pyjama pants over his underwear.

 

“Let’s film my video today,” he says, apropos of nothing.

 

“What? Really?”

 

“Yeah, why not? I don’t want you to have all the glory,” Dan smirks.

 

“You’re gonna post it? I was kidding when I said video for video you know, you don’t actually have do it.”

 

“I know, but why not? Fuck it. You’re gonna help me right? If it comes out anything like yours, it’ll be fine.”

 

“Wow, ok. Did you wanna write a script first?”

 

“Yeah, I guess I should right?”

 

“Yeah, otherwise as soon as you turn the camera on your mind will go blank,” Phil says. “Took me a few tries before I figured that out.”

 

Dan nods thoughtfully.

 

“Have you decided on your ‘fail?’”

 

“Ugh, no. There’s too many to choose from.”

 

“Oh, shut up,” Phil says, joking, but somehow seeming quite truthful at the same time. “What’s the one that’s the most ‘Dan?’”

 

He doesn’t need to think for very long. An endless stream of arguments with his parents, his teachers, even Rain replays in his mind.

 

“Got it.”

 

*

 

“Ok, now I understand why you were so terrified to post,” Dan says, wrapped up in his own blanket burrito on the sofa, trying not to look at his open laptop on the table in front of him.

 

“And now I know why you were so sure it was a good idea,” Phil replies. “It’s so good, Dan.”

 

“S’not. It’s rubbish,” he mumbles into the comforter.

 

“Do you really think that?”

 

He considers it for a minute. His immediate reaction for anything he ever does is ‘it’s shit.’ He has a rather irreconcilable tendency for extreme procrastination and crippling perfectionism, which makes it pretty bloody difficult to accomplish anything that makes him feel even a measure of pride or satisfaction.

 

But this time feels different. He’s done this because he’d wanted to. There had been no assignment, no deadline, and there would be no grade, aside from his own. He’d come up with an idea for a video, written the script and filmed it all in one day, and he’d had a lot of fun doing it. Phil had been there the whole time, holding the camera and trying to stifle his laughter and keep his hands from shaking as he filmed Dan singing in the shower and sitting on the toilet among other things.

 

Dan doesn’t like the way he looks on camera, and he doesn’t think the video came out as well as he’d pictured it in his head, but he can’t deny that it’s funny and it parodies his actual struggles so perfectly without getting _too_ real.

 

If Phil thinks it’s good, how bad could it really be?

 

“No, I guess not,” he admits.

 

“No, of course not,” Phil says smugly, sitting down beside Dan. “You made a video about something you don’t like about yourself and it’s funny. That’s really not easy. Plus, the cinematography and editing is just top notch.”

 

Dan can hear the laughter in Phil’s voice, but he’s not wrong. It’s hard for him to deny how good the video looks after Phil helped him cut it all together.

 

Dan feels Phil pull the blanket away from his face a little and there he is, up close, all blue eyes and black hair and cute little freckles…

 

“Dan.” His voice is quiet and soft. “You don’t have to post it. I had a lot more time to think about it than you did. You really don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.”

 

Dan stares into Phil’s eyes for a long minute, before leaning forward quickly and clicking publish on How To Procrastinate LIKE A PRO.

 

“Oh my god! You actually did it,” Phil exclaims. “I didn’t think you actually would.”

 

“I did it,” Dan repeats.

 

“You did it, Dan.”

 

“Fuck.” His mind is somewhere else now. He can feel himself starting to sink into that dark place of self-doubt.

 

“We should do something to celebrate, yeah?” Phil says, placing his hand on Dan’s blanketed shoulder and starling him from his inner ponderings.

 

“It’s like the middle of the night, Phil,” Dan laughs.

 

“Oh, right. Wow, that really took all day didn’t it?”

 

“Yeah, sorry,” Dan says.

 

“Don’t be. It was fun. I can’t wait to film the next one.”

 

“You have to post another first,” Dan reminds him.

 

“Yeah, I guess that was the deal, huh?

 

“Have you checked on the last one yet?”

 

“No.”

 

“Can I check it for you?” Dan asks. The suspense has been kind of killing him.

 

“I suppose so, if you really want to, but I need to be somewhere else,” Phil says, standing up.

 

“Ok, but don’t go far,” Dan says quickly, before realizing how utterly clingy and pathetic he sounds.

 

Phil smiles. “Don’t worry. You can’t get rid of me now Dan.” Dan thinks he meant it to sound teasingly threatening, but all he can feel is warmth spreading through his chest. “I’ll make us some food, ok?”

 

Dan nods. He waits until Phil is in the kitchen before he clicks onto Phil’s video. What he sees shocks him.

 

“Phil! Come in here!” He shouts.

 

Phil comes rushing out of the kitchen with a look of concern. “What?”

 

“Look at the views!”

 

“God, Dan, you jerk, I know I have no views, don’t need to rub it in my face.”

 

“Phil, for fuck’s sake, just look.”

 

Phil looks. He goes a little paler than he already was, and that’s really saying something.

 

“What the…” He sounds confused. “I don’t get it. What does this mean?”

 

Dan laughs. “You spoon! It means people are watching your video! Like, a lot of people apparently.”

 

“But… Charlie said it didn’t have very many…”

 

“Maybe he was… trying not to freak you out?”

 

“Holy shit, Dan,” Phil says, and it’s the first time Dan’s ever heard him swear properly.

 

“Yeah, I know.” Dan stands up and pulls Phil into a hug. “I told you. I told you they’d like it. People love you, Phil! I knew I wouldn’t be the only one!”

 

Phil chuckles against the flat expanse between Dan’s neck and shoulder, and Dan stiffens a little when he realizes what he’s said. All of a sudden he’s hyper aware of Phil’s chest pressing against his, the warmth, the sweet musky scent, the feel of Phil’s chin digging into his shoulder.

 

“I’ll never doubt you again,” Phil says, and when they pull away from each other, he’s grinning ear to ear. “It really doesn’t make sense though.”

 

“It does seem pretty quick to get that many views…” Dan agrees, a little perplexed.

 

Phil nods.

 

“Wait, didn’t you say Charlie has lots of subscribers?”

 

Phil nods again.

 

“Maybe he like, gave you a shoutout or something?”

 

“Hmmm, never thought of that,” Phil says, pulling out his phone. “I’m gonna ask.”

 

He dials Charlie’s number and puts it on speakerphone so Dan can hear.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hi. Have you looked at my video recently?” Phil asks, and Dan can tell he’s really trying to be casual.

 

“God, Phil, I do have other things going on in my life you know. It’s not _all_ about you.”

 

Phil completely ignores Charlie’s teasing. “Have you?”

 

“Mayyyybe,” Charlie replies in a singsong.

 

“What did you do?” Phil asks suspiciously.

 

“Nothing! I just mentioned on twitter that my bestest friend in the whole wide world uploaded his first video and they should go check it out if they love me.”

 

Phil frowns. “I don’t know if I should thank you or be annoyed.”

 

“Just thank me, Lester. Soon you’ll have more subscribers than me and it’ll be me begging you for shoutouts.”

 

“I did not beg you for a shoutout!” Phil protests.

 

“I know. You didn’t have to. That’s just how good a friend I am,” he replies smugly. “Tell me when Dan uploads his and I’ll give him one too.”

 

“Actually,” Dan interjects. “I just did.”

 

“No shit?” Charlie asks, sounding genuinely surprised.

 

“He did,” Phil says, looking at Dan and smiling. “It’s better than mine, too.”

 

“Is not,” Dan disputes.

 

“Get a room you two, seriously,” Charlie says, and Dan doesn’t miss the slight pinkening of the fair complexion of Phil’s cheeks. “I’m going to hang up on you now so I can go watch the video and you boys can go back to—”

 

“Ok, bye Charlie!” Phil yelps and hangs up quickly.

 

Dan looks at Phil, doing his best to ignore Charlie’s comments. He only met the guy once and he already knows that’s just what Charlie is like. Phil’s reactions on the other hand… those mean something, he’s sure of it. Why would he act so jumpy and embarrassed if there wasn’t some kind of truth behind the words? Phil knows Charlie better than anybody, he should know his friend is only fucking around.

 

Or is he?

 

“So,” Phil says then, shaking Dan from his contemplation. “Are you ready to have a whole lot of people watching your video?”

 

“Oh, fuck. I don’t know. Fuck. I never thought…” His heart is starting to beat a little faster as he imagines thousands of strangers sat in front of their computers, watching his face, hearing his words, forming judgements and opinions.

 

He feels Phil’s hand on his shoulder. “Dan?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“It’s ok, you know. Your video is really good. People are going to love you, just like I do.” He’s looking right into Dan’s eyes. His cheeks aren’t flushing anymore. He’s smiling, but not sheepishly. He looks warm and fond and soft. He didn’t say those words accidentally, clumsily as Dan had. He’d thought about it and said them anyway.

 

Dan feels a strange emotion, heavy and thick, welling up in his throat. He’s scared. He’s fucking terrified. But it doesn’t matter. Phil is there and Phil is proud of him and they’ve done this thing together and they’re going to keep doing this together and knowing he has someone right beside him to lean on and believe in is just… freeing. He feels so free. He thinks maybe, once the shock has worn off, he could even be excited.

 

Right now his skin is thrumming with a million conflicting emotions and he doesn’t really want to think about the video anymore, lest he actually think himself into some sort of panic attack.

 

He focuses all his attention on the man stood in front of him. “Thanks, Phil,” he whispers, and he pulls him in for another hug. This one is more deliberate than the first, slower, firmer, but somehow more gentle. Intimate. There’s no other word for it. This time, Phil’s arms are wrapped around his middle and squeezing. Dan’s are thrown around the back of Phil’s neck and the warmth is spreading all over his body and fuck. It’s feels so fucking good to have Phil in his arms. It feels right.

 

“We’re famous,” Phil giggles into Dan’s hair, breaking Dan’s trance and diffusing the sudden tension in the adorable way that fits so well with who Phil is.

 

“Well you are,” Dan says, pulling away. “I’m not, yet.”

 

“You will be,” Phil says with certainty. “Probably even more than me.”

 

“Pfft, nah mate. I seriously doubt that.”

 

“I don’t. Just look at you. Look at this face. Look at these dimples,” Phil says, gently sticking his finger into Dan’s cheek. “You’re going to have an _army_ of fangirls in no time.”

 

Dan’s getting real tired of the blood vessels in his face being so damn quick to colour his cheeks. He’d like to keep at least some semblance of his dignity intact.

 

“Should we check?” Phil asks when Dan’s not responded to his playful teasing.

 

“What?”

 

“Should we check the views on your video?”

 

“Fuck, no!” Dan exclaims and Phil laughs.

 

“Alright, then. Are you tired?”

 

“No. And even if I was, there’s no way I could sleep now,” Dan replies. “I’m hungry. We haven’t eaten all day, Phil.”

 

“Oh right, I was gonna make food, wasn’t I?”

 

Dan nods. “Can I help you?”

 

“Of course. You know how I feel about preparing real, actual food.”

 

They walk into the kitchen and Dan opens the fridge. “Uh, we don’t really _have_ any real, actual food, Philip.”

 

“Oh, bollocks,” Phil says in mock disappointment. “Guess we have to go out then.” He’s smiling.

 

“Or we could order in?” Dan suggests.

 

“Yeah, you’re right. Human interaction is unnecessary.”

 

“Always,” Dan agrees. “And this way I don’t have to wear jeans.”

 

“A win-win,” Phil agrees.

 

“So what should we get? What’s like, celebratory food? For our new-found fame?” Dan asks.

 

“Umm, how about pizza?”

 

“Phi-il,” Dan whines. “We always get pizza.”

 

“Yeah, because it’s the best, and we’re skint,” Phil laughs.

 

“Good point. You order it while I take off these stupid jeans?”

 

Phil nods.

 

They eat pizza and sit next to each on the sofa watching anime. They’ve even made drinks to commemorate the occasion. They stay up late—very late, until the exhaustion finally outweighs the elation, the adrenaline of knowing they may actually be able to make a go of this video-making thing. They’ve stayed up so late, in fact, that they fall asleep on the sofa, Dan’s feet in Phil’s lap. It’s possible that Phil falls asleep first and Dan chooses not to wake him or get up and go to bed himself, but of course, there’s no way to know for sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just want to thank everyone again for the support and the amazing comments. i love reading your thoughts, and i absolutely love you all who write long ones with detail it just makes me so happy. i'm also so glad a lot of you seem to really like rain :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: mild slur

When Dan wakes the next morning, sunlight is streaming in through the lounge window, warming his face, shaming him for sleeping long enough to let it get that high up in the sky. He yawns and stretches his arms above his head, stretches the sleepy numbness from his long legs. He sits up and feels his heart sink a little at the realization that he’s alone on the sofa; Phil is nowhere to be seen. He quickly reminds himself that it’s most likely at least midday and for all he knows, Phil may have already been awake for hours. He stands up and looks around, listens for a minute, but doesn’t hear anything. Maybe Phil woke up in the middle of the night with a sore back and a kinked neck and didn’t think anything of getting up and putting himself to bed properly, because why would he?

 

Dan goes to the kitchen and fills the kettle. He’s going to be a good flatmate and make Phil coffee and bring it to him in bed.

 

When the coffee’s ready he knocks on Phil’s door. They’re still not at the point where they’ll just walk into each other’s rooms without knocking. At least, Dan’s not. Phil tends to forget sometimes.

 

Phil finally responds with a pitiful sounding whimper.

 

“I brought you coffee, can I come in?” Dan says.

 

He thinks he hears Phil make a noise of some kind, but it’s so quiet he can’t be sure. He decides to open the door very slowly, giving Phil time to scream at him if need be. The door creaks. Phil is silent. Dan pushes it open and sees Phil wince as the light from the hallway reaches his face. He quickly pulls his blanket over his face.

 

“Oh shit, sorry Phil, thought you’d be awake. I’ll leave… do you want the coffee?”

 

More silence. He decides to leave it on Phil’s nightstand before ducking out. He sets the mug down and turns to leave when he hears Phil squeak, “Dan?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Door.”

 

“Yeah, I’ll close it on the way out, no worries.”

 

He sees Phil shake his head from beneath the duvet. “Stay,” he whispers.

 

“Ok…” He backs up and shuts the door before returning hesitantly to Phil’s bedside. “What’s up, mate?”

 

“C’mere,” Phil’s voice is nothing but a faint croak as he holds the blanket up.

 

Dan’s heart shoots up into his throat. Phil wants Dan to get in bed with him. Under the covers.

 

“Are… you sure?” Dan stutters. Phil doesn’t answer, just opens the blanket a little wider.

 

Dan slides in before he has a chance to chicken out. Phil pulls the blanket over them, heads and all and snuggles into Dan’s chest. Dan wonders if it’s possible for Phil to miss the pounding of his heart as it’s basically pressed right against his ear. It’s warm, so warm and the scent of Phil is intense and lovely and Dan can’t really breathe but for some reason it doesn’t bother him in this moment.

 

“Phil?”

 

Grunt.

 

“Are you ok?”

 

Phil shakes his head. “Headache,” he croaks. “Hurts.”

 

“Do you want me to get you something?”

 

Phil nods.

 

“Ok,” Dan says, and he moves to sit up, but Phil tenses and wraps an arm around him. Dan lets out a shaky laugh. “I’ll be right back, don’t worry.”

Phil lets go reluctantly.

 

Dan goes to the bathroom and gets some painkillers and brings them back to Phil as quickly as he can. It must be a really bad headache for Phil to act this strangely, this far outside of normal flatmate boundaries.

 

Dan re-enters, shutting the door behind him quickly and quietly. He stands over the bed and hesitates, not sure if Phil actually wants _him_ or just the medicine. “Take these,” he whispers.

 

Phil manages to muster up enough strength to poke his head out of the blanket and down the pills with a sip of coffee, but Dan can tell that it takes a lot of effort. He stands beside Phil’s bed awkwardly for a moment before mumbling, “I’ll let you get some sleep.”

 

“No. Stay.” The blanket is pulled up again, inviting Dan in.

 

He slips in quickly this time, not caring that it’s weird and intimate and definitely worsening the confusion he’d confessed to Rain the other day. He tries to remind himself that Phil is in pain and would probably cuddle a walrus at this point, but it doesn’t really help. Phil’s arms wrap around his waist and his head nuzzles into Dan’s collarbone and the warmth is everywhere, all around him, inside and out.

 

“Dan?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

They’re both whispering, so quietly they barely form the words.

 

“Can you… do me a favour?”

 

“Anything.” He doesn’t even care how that sounds. Phil probably won’t remember any of this anyway.

 

“Can you?” He says, and brings his middle and forefinger up to his temple.

 

Dan understands, and replaces Phil’s fingers with his own and slowly rubs gentle circles. Phil sighs and melts into Dan’s chest, his eyes fluttering. “Stay,” he whispers.

 

“Not going anywhere.”

 

*

 

When Dan wakes up for the second time that day, Phil is still holding him. He turns his head and starts when his eyes meet Phil’s.

 

“Morning,” Phil says. His voice is husky and low, but less pained than before.

 

“Don’t think it’s morning anymore,” Dan croaks, still heavy with sleep.

 

“Right,” Phil smiles. He doesn’t let go of Dan. “Thanks for this.”

 

“Of course… Do you feel better?”

 

“Yeah. It’s less a migraine now and more just a headache.”

 

“Does this happen a lot?” Dan asks, noting that his arm is draped over Phil’s hip. He doesn’t know if it’s weirder at this point to leave it there or pull it away.

 

He decides it’s probably better to pull away, if only for his own sake. He stretches his arms above his head to make the movement look natural. Phil releases his grip on Dan’s waist then, but doesn’t widen the distance between their bodies. Not that he really could in a bed this small. Singles were not meant to be shared by two people well over six feet tall.

 

“Yeah, kind of,” Phil answers. “Usually if I’ve been drinking too much.”

 

“Oh shit. I guess no more bars or wild parties,” Dan jokes. “You only had one drink last night.”

 

“I’m a lightweight, what can I say?” He frowns. “It does still hurt a bit though. Do you think…”

 

“You need more drugs?”

 

Phil nods. “And maybe… you could reheat the coffee?” He says it as if he expects to be told to fuck off, which makes Dan feel a pang of emotion. Phil is the kind of man who takes care of the people in his life, Dan can tell that already. He deserves to be taken care of now.

 

“Of course,” Dan says, throwing the duvet off his head. The air outside their blanket fort is much colder than inside and he shivers, suddenly reminded he’s wearing nothing on the bottom but his pants. He must have pulled his jeans off some time in the night. “Anything else?”

 

Phil shakes his head.

 

Dan gathers more pills and reheats their coffees and returns to Phil’s room. After he’s deposited the coffee on the nightstand and the pills in Phil’s hand he turns to leave when he hears Phil say yet again, “Dan, would mind you staying?”

 

He turns and looks at Phil. In truth he looks utterly helpless in that moment, and Dan wouldn’t have been able to leave even if he wanted to.

 

“Course, you big baby,” he says teasingly. His heart is aching a little with the tenderness of the past few hours and he needs to cut it a little. He needs to protect himself from feeling… this. At least until he’s waded through all the bullshit he knows his anxiety and inexperience is going to subject him to.

 

“I’m sorry,” Phil laughs, holding up the blanket for Dan again. The warmth on his bare legs as he climbs back in is bliss.

 

“I really am a baby when I don’t feel well,” Phil says, taking a sip of his coffee. “You probably think I’m so weird. I’m sorry if I freaked you out. I guess I just get really clingy when I’m poorly, and this was a bad one.”

 

“It’s alright, Phil. I’m glad I was here to help.”

 

“Oh crap, you don’t have to work today do you?”

 

“Thankfully not,” Dan says. “I do tomorrow though, so no drinking tonight, Lester.”

 

“Deal.”

 

They’re both sat up now, resting their backs against the headboard and drinking their god awful reheated instant coffee at four o’clock in the afternoon. “We’re becoming nocturnal, Phil.”

 

“I kind of was already,” Phil says.

 

“Yeah me too, I guess. Not this bad though.”

 

“I’m sorry, Dan. That’s my fault,” Phil says seriously.

 

“Shut up, it’s not.”

 

“I dragged you into my bed and basically forced you to sleep with me all day.”

 

Dan can’t form words in response. He tries, he really tries, but he can’t. He can feel the stupid little red spot on his cheek blazing. Phil laughs.

 

“That’s what she said,” Dan says when his brain has finished short-circuiting.

 

“Not to me,” Phil mumbles quietly into his coffee. Dan’s not sure if he was meant to hear it, so he doesn’t say anything.

 

“How’s your head now?” Dan asks a few minutes later, when all the coffee has been drunk.

“Not bad, thanks.” There is a long moment of silence. Then, “Dan?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Can we check on your video now?”

 

He doesn’t want to. He really doesn’t, but at the same time…

 

“Please?” Phil says, and he’s pouting like an honest to god five year old. “Do it for me?”

 

Dan chuckles. “I guess I forced you to let me check yours, so it’s only fair.”

 

“Are you gonna look too?” Phil asks.

 

Dan shakes his head and covers his eyes with hands. “You do it.”

 

Phil practically sprints to fetch his laptop and jumps back into the bed as quickly as his long clumsy legs will allow. Dan hears him typing. Silence.

 

“Dan, look.”

 

“Don’t wanna.”

 

“Look!”

 

“Is it bad?”

 

“Look!”

 

Dan parts his fingers slightly and peeks at the screen. His eyes search frantically until they settle on the view count. “Fuck.” It’s a big number. Impossibly big. Bigger than Phil’s had been last night.

 

“I was right,” Phil says smugly. “They love you. Even more than they love me.”

 

“They’re bleeding idiots,” Dan mumbles into his hands. “Can we check yours again? Before I have a heart attack?”

 

Phil’s number has grown substantially.

 

“Who knew Charlie had so much pull,” Dan mutters, dumbfounded.

 

“I don’t actually think he does. I mean, he definitely helped, but this is more than he sometimes gets on his own videos.”

 

“I guess people like adorable awkward nerds and depressingly relatable losers.”

 

“Oh, so now I’m adorable?” Phil asks, beaming.

 

“Not my words,” Dan points to the screen, “this person’s.”

 

“So we’re reading comments now?”

 

“Can I?” Dan asks.

 

Phil shrugs. “I guess we have to do it eventually, right? We’ll read yours after, yeah?”

 

“It’s only fair.”

 

“I’m glad we did this together, Dan. I wouldn’t have been able to do this without you.” The sincerity in his voice is overwhelming.

 

“You would’ve,” Dan replies. “It’s just more fun this way. Me on the other hand… There’s not a chance in _hell_ I could have done this without you.”

 

“I think you could’ve,” Phil says softly, “It just may have taken a little while longer. You’d have had to get a camera.” He laughs a little.

 

Dan doesn’t argue. He doesn’t believe him for a second, but the faith Phil has in him is something he hasn’t experienced yet. He’s never had someone just believe in him like this, fully and without qualifiers. Well, maybe his nan, but still. This feels different.

 

“All of these comments are nice, Phil, just read them. I haven’t even seen one troll.”

 

They read together silently until they get through every single comment. There isn’t a single word of negativity.

 

“Yours?” Phil asks.

 

“If we must,” Dan grimaces.

 

“It’ll be fine, Dan. I’ll protect you,” Phil teases. He clicks Dan’s video and scrolls down to the comments, of which there are an intimidating number.

 

They’ve not gotten through five comments before Dan’s eyes lock onto a sentence that makes his stomach drop.

 

_Your a fag without a life… this is trash and your great at making this dufess!_

 

He stiffens. He should have known. How had he let Phil make him think this was a good idea? People don’t like him. They never have, and they never will. And apparently they can see his deep dark secrets just from watching a four minute video. He shifts his eyes in Phil’s direction, half hoping he hasn’t seen it.

 

He has.

 

“Well that’s rude,” he says, his tone still carefree. He hasn’t noticed that Dan’s suddenly got ice flowing through his veins. “And incredibly badly written. It doesn’t even make sense.”

 

Dan knows Phil is trying to make it into a joke. It _is_ a joke to Phil. And it should be to Dan, too. He knows this is a lonely hateful person cloaked in the freedom of anonymity whose only validation comes from making others feel small. He knows this person can’t possibly have any insight into Dan’s ‘confusion’ or social life or general lack of self esteem, but it still feels like a personal attack at a time when he’s feeling more vulnerable than he maybe ever has before in his entire life.

 

He stands up when his hands start to shake. He wants to escape immediately. He wants to yell or cry or bite all his nails down ‘til they’re a bloody mess… anything but sit here in Phil’s bed reading vile bullshit written by assholes who don’t know him.

 

“Dan? You ok?”

 

Dan can’t think of anything to say. He’s not ok. He feels stupid for not being ok, but he definitely isn’t.

 

“They’re just jealous that you’re talented and funny and fit and they’re probably as ugly on the outside as they are on the inside.”

 

Dan wishes desperately that he wasn’t literally holding back a sob, teeth cutting painfully into his bottom lip. He wishes he could tell Phil that he’s never met anyone remotely as kind and lovely and _good_ in his life, that somehow every day since the day he’s moved in has been better than the last. He wishes he was brave enough to tell Phil _everything_ he feels inside, and that he didn’t care about the words of strangers on the internet. But he can’t. And apparently he does.

 

“I… I can’t,” he manages to croak before fleeing the warmth of Phil’s bed and stumbling to his own room.

 

He buries his face in his pillow and lets himself cry for a minute, hot tears staining the black fabric. Then he forces himself to stop, breathe, in and out, until the shock and panic fade to a dull hum.

 

Phil hasn’t followed him, but he has sent texts.

 

**_Phil_ ** _: i’m sorry i made you do this_

**_Phil_ ** _: i feel awful_

**_Phil_ ** _: will you come back?? i’m still reading your comments and there haven’t been any other mean ones, the rest are so lovely_

**_Phil_ ** _: dan??_

 

What can he say to Phil that could explain his sudden and frankly completely bewildering overreaction to a fairly harmless hate comment?

 

**_Dan_ ** _: it’s not your fault. i’m just being a big sensitive baby_

**_Phil_ ** _: do you wanna come back and see all the nice comments?_

**_Dan_ ** _: not right now. i need time_

 

He wants to talk to someone, he realizes. But for once, it’s not Phil. In fact, Phil is probably the last person on earth he wants to have this conversation with. He punches a number into his phone with shaky fingers and puts the phone to his ear.

 

“Hello?” The sound of Rain’s voice is comforting in a way he’s never properly appreciated until now.

 

“Hey.” He sounds exactly like he’s been crying.

 

“Why do you sound weird?”

 

“Are you still in Wokingham?”

 

“Yeah…” she says slowly. “I’m supposed to leave tomorrow.”

 

“Do you think… do you think you wanna do me a massive favour?”

 

“What is it, Dan? What’s wrong with you?”

 

“Can you stay an extra day or two?”

 

“Uhh… yeah. I guess so. What the fuck happened? You’re scaring me.”

 

“I’ll tell you tomorrow. Thanks, Rain.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't worry, angst is not my thing, everything's gonna be ok for these boys <3


	12. Chapter 12

He sets an alarm the next day, early. He doesn’t shower, doesn’t make coffee, tries to make as little noise as humanly possible. He packs a few days worth of clothes and sneaks out of the flat before Phil can stop him. It’s a dick move and he knows it, but he doesn’t want to have to explain himself. Probably because he doesn’t even know if he can. He can hear the word ‘overreaction’ shouting itself at him in his head over and over, and yet he can’t shake the deep feeling of violation whenever he remembers that heinous comment. Logic hasn’t helped. Phil’s kindness hasn’t helped.

 

He wants to get away. Everything in this flat feels too much—too warm, too soft, too hopeful. He’s forgotten what life is really like beyond these four walls, beyond the glow of happiness and invincibility that Phil makes him feel. He’s scared and he’s running away—just for a few days.

 

Despite receiving them constantly as a sensitive teenager in an all-boys high school, he’s never learned how not to take insults to heart. According to Phil he’d received a hundred comments of praise and encouragement, but here he was the next day, replaying the one slur over and over in his mind.

 

To pass the time at work, he makes himself more useful than he’s ever been—when he’s finished with the tasks his boss gives him he actually walks the aisles in search of customers to assist. It’s unprecedented behaviour. He feels his phone buzzing in his pocket at least every half hour for his full six hour shift, but never once pulls it out.

 

When his shift is over he takes the bus to Manchester Picadilly train station and boards the first train to Wokingham. It’s going to be fairly late by the time he gets there and he hasn’t even warned his parents but he doesn’t care. He’s not going home to see them.

 

He needs Rain. It surprises him a little how much he’s been saying those words to himself lately. He’s needed her more in the last few months than he ever had in the three years they were together. He tells himself he needs to start putting in a lot more effort to be a better friend to her. Maybe he could ask her how she’s doing for once instead of constantly whinging about his own problems and expecting her to be there for him every time. Right after he cries on her shoulder about being called a fag on the internet.

 

Even just thinking the word stings. It’s not like he’d never been called that before, either. It’s just that back then he’d had a girlfriend and a much more steadfast tendency for denial. In fact, at this point, he’s not in denial. He feels like he may even be approaching acceptance. But that doesn’t change the fact that he’s fucking terrified.

 

Once he’s sat in his seat and the train is making its way South, he can’t put it off anymore. He pulls out his phone and starts reading through all the texts.

 

**_Phil_ ** _: you left before i could make you coffee :[_

**_Phil_ ** _: have a good shift_

**_Phil_ ** _: btw i hope you’re ok about the comment? i still feel really bad for making you read them.._

**_Phil_ ** _: i kind of couldn’t sleep last night cuz we slept most of the day so since you’re not here to drink coffee with me on the balcony i’m gonna go back to bed_

**_Phil_ ** _: i wouldn’t be mad if you texted me and let me know that you don’t hate me?? cuz i feel weird_

**_Rain_ ** _: i’m pretty fucking salty that you’re making me stay here longer, howell. and with no explanation too_

**_Rain_ ** _: you do realize leeds is less than an hour train ride from Manchester?? you could’ve stayed with me there and met david_

**_Rain_ ** _: sorry. you probably don’t want that. and there must be something wrong if you’re willingly coming back here so soon. i’m a bitch in the morning, but you know that_

**_Rain_ ** _: but you could still tell me wtf happened. and when you’re getting here_

**_Phil_ ** _: i really hoped i’d have a text from you when i woke up :[ must be a long shift_

**_Rain_ ** _: call me you prat_

**_Phil_ ** _: are you not coming home?_

 

Dan feels his chest tighten. Home. He dials Phil’s number.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hi.” Dan’s voice is quiet.

 

“Where are you?”

 

“I’m on a train, actually. I’m going home—to my parents’ for a few days.”

 

Phil is silent for longer than is comfortable before he says, “Oh.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

More silence. “Why?” Dan hopes he’s imagining the tremble in Phil’s voice. “Are you _that_ mad at me?”

 

“No! Of course not. I’m not mad at you at all, Phil.”

 

“Then why…”

 

“Umm… I’m just… scared?”

 

“Of what?”

 

“Everything?”

 

“I’m sorry, Dan. I should’ve never pushed you into any of this.” Phil sounds defeated, sad.

 

“What d’you mean?”

 

“The YouTube stuff.”

 

“You didn’t! You didn’t push me, you… you inspired me, Phil.” It’s more honest than he’d expected to get, but the pain in Phil’s voice is cracking his resolve for stoicism.

 

“Are you gonna come back?” It’s almost a whisper.

 

“Of course! Don’t be daft!” He’s already half wondering why he’s doing this in the first place. “I’m really sorry. I should have just told you. I just… I’m not good at—”

 

“Communicating?” Phil interjects.

 

“Oi.”

 

Phil laughs and Dan feels his shoulders relax a little. He hadn’t noticed how tense he’d gotten.

 

“If it makes you feel better, I got my first hate comment today too,” Phil says.

 

“Oh god.”

 

“You wanna hear?”

 

“No… and yes. It doesn’t bother you?” Dan asks.

 

Phil is silent.

 

“Phil?”

 

“Oops,” Phil laughs. “I forgot you can’t see me, I was shaking my head.”

 

“Oh my god, you fucking dingus,” Dan says fondly. “Tell me, then.”

 

“This is stupid and you’re ugly.”

 

Dan can’t help laughing. “Wow, so creative.”

 

“Yep. No big deal. Some people just love to be mean, especially when there are no consequences. Can’t take it personally.”

 

“I know. I guess it was just…”

 

“The wording?” Phil asks.

 

Dan doesn’t know if he should admit to that. He doesn’t want Phil to get the wrong impression, to think that even a throwaway implication that he’s gay had offended him. “It’s not a nice word.”

 

“No, it’s not,” Phil agrees. “But that was the point. They wanted to be mean. And they don’t know you. They don’t know that you’re not into—”

 

“Phil, I’m sorry but I have to go. I have to call my parents, they don’t even know I’m coming.”

 

“Wow, you really did wanna get out of here as fast as possible, huh?” His voice has an edge to it that Dan’s never heard before. He doesn’t like it.

 

“Can we talk later?”

 

“If you want.” Phil replies. Dan can practically see the shrug.

 

Once they hang up, Dan calls his mum immediately. He doesn’t want to think about all the twists and turns that conversation had taken, or where it’d ended up. He promises himself he'll call Phil back later and set things straight.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hi mum.”

 

“Hello, love. What’s up?” All business, Dan’s mum, but he can’t blame her. He doesn’t know if he’s ever called her just for a chat.

 

“Um, I’m actually on a train right now, coming for a quick visit?” He hadn’t mean for it to be a question.

 

“Right now?” She asks incredulously. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier.”

 

“Spur of the moment?”

 

“Well, I’ve got work tomorrow. Your father’s not going to be here either, and your brother’s at camp.”

 

“It’s ok mum. It’s just for a day, I think. I wanted to…” What could he say that wouldn’t be weird for her to hear? Spend time with his ex-girlfriend? Cry because someone called him a bad word on the internet? Escape from his rapidly deepening feelings for his male flatmate? “…grab a few things I forgot.”

 

“Oh, right. Ok, love. I’ll see you later, then?”

 

“Yeah, bye mum.”

 

He hangs up and notices a text from Phil. He braces himself before opening it.

 

**_Phil_ ** _: i think i’m gonna upload another video, just for something to do. i’m not used to being alone anymore._

 

Dan beams. Phil apparently can’t hold a grudge for more than two minutes.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: you could always call charlie? and which vid?_

**_Phil_ ** _: nah. he’s not the one i want. and one of the weird ones. you’ll just have to wait and see danny_

 

‘He’s not the one I want.’ Dan shivers, feeling relief flood his body. Even a few minutes of thinking Phil had been angry with him had been enough for a knot to form in his stomach.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: i can’t wait. tell me as soon as you put it up so i can watch_

 

He doesn’t put his phone away yet; he has one more call to make.

 

“About bloody time, mate.” Rain is exasperated before she even hears Dan’s voice.

 

“Sorry, I know.”

 

“When are you getting here?”

 

“A couple hours. Can you pick me up?” He doesn’t want to have to take the bus, or god forbid—ask his mother for a lift.

 

“Yeah, I can steal my mum’s car. It’ll be like old times—kind of.”

 

“K, thanks.”

 

After he hangs up, he plugs in his headphones, closes his eyes and leans his head against the window, letting sleep take him quickly. It’s been a long day already and he still has a lot of emotional baggage to rummage through tonight.

 

*

 

It’s dark, the reflection of the moonlight on the lake all that illuminates the park outside the windows of Rain’s mum’s car. Objectively, it’s quite beautiful—romantic even, the way the pale light ripples across the water, the way it hits Rain’s bare legs, stretched out over the dash, crossed at the ankles. There was a time not all that long ago where this would have been an opportunity Dan couldn’t resist. In fact, he can’t help remembering times her legs would straddle his hips, the park and all its moonlit glory completely obscured by steamy windows.

 

It’s weird, he thinks, to be back here in this town, in this park with this girl, and feel none of the things he used to feel. For some reason it adds an edge of sadness to the confusion.

 

They’re drinking Starbucks and watching the water silently. Now that he’s here, he doesn’t really know what to say. He still hasn’t even told her about his video.

 

“So are you going to talk to me or are we going to sit here in silence pretending we’re not thinking about what we used to do in this car?”

 

He actually manages to laugh. When had she become so good at reading him? Maybe she always had been and he really had been such a crap boyfriend that he’d never noticed. “I don’t even know where to start,” he admits.

 

“You’re confused.”

 

He looks down at his lap. He’d almost forgotten about that—they hadn’t actually talked about his confession yet. He nods.

 

“Are you actually? Or are you just scared to call it what it is?”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“A crush, Dan. You have a crush on Phil.”

 

“But I don’t—”

 

“Dan. Please. Just let me say one thing, ok?”

 

He nods again.

 

“It’s just me, yeah? You still trust me don’t you?”

 

“Of course,” he whispers.

 

“Then just be honest. You can say whatever you want to me and no one else will ever hear a word of it if you don’t want them to. That’s what friends are for.” She puts her hand on Dan’s arm. “You don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not, Dan. Not anymore.”

 

He turns his head to look at her. Is that what she thinks? That their years together had somehow been an act for him?

 

“It’s not like that, Rain. I wasn’t pretending. Don’t ever think that.”

 

She shrugs. “I always knew you weren’t as into it as I was. I accepted that a long time ago. I loved you so much back then that it didn’t even matter to me. I mean, I know better now—”

 

“No,” he says, rather forcefully. “That’s bullshit. I was not pretending. Maybe I was an asshole sometimes, maybe I could’ve been more like, emotionally available or something, but it was always real to me.”

 

“That’s not really what I mean, Dan. I never thought you were an asshole. You were just… confused.”

 

Realization hits him then, full-on, and he feels a bit queasy.

 

“I wasn’t… not then…”

 

“You don’t think?” Her voice is soft.

 

“I…” he pulls his knees up under his chin and hugs his legs. “I don’t know…”

 

“You know what?” She asks. “It doesn’t matter. We’re all confused at that age. This doesn’t have to be so serious and dramatic. You met someone you like. That’s a good thing!”

 

His head is spinning. He doesn’t know if he’s even ready to admit to what she’s saying. He doesn’t say anything.

 

“Are you still pretending to be stuck in the confusion stage?”

 

“I’m not pretending.” It comes out much more pouty than he’d intended.

 

“Alright, well that’s definitely step number one then, mate. Will you just please play along and not deny everything. Can you be honest with me, even if it feels scary as fuck?”

 

He looks into her green eyes and realizes he will never have another opportunity like this. He’ll never have anyone who’s known him so long and is willing to wade through his bullshit to help him find his own truth. He’d be a bloody idiot to resist, to cling to deniability now. He nods.

 

“Ok. So. Let’s honestly just ignore the fact that he’s a bloke, ok? It’s not important. Phil is just a person, like me, right? So close your eyes and picture Phil.”

 

Dan stares at her, unblinking.

 

“Close your damned eyes, Howell.”

 

He sighs and does as he’s told.

 

“Just picture him for a little while. Picture what he looks like in the morning when he’s making you coffee. Picture his smile. Try to hear his laugh.”

 

He does. He sees Phil’s sleepy eyes behind his thick-rimmed glasses, his black fringe pushed up into a quiff, his ridiculous array of cartoonish pyjama pants. He sees the tip of Phil’s tongue poking out from between his teeth, his eyes scrunched up as he giggles in the back of throat and clutches his stomach.

 

“Does it make you feel anything?” She asks.

 

He’s promised to be honest, so he nods.

 

“Do you think about him when you’re not together?”

 

He nods again.

 

“Do you think about him when you wank?”

 

“God,” he mumbles, shoving his face into his hands. “Jesus Christ.”

 

“I’m sorry but, so far, it sounds like a crush, Dan. You definitely like him, I don’t think  you can even deny that, right?”

 

“Guess not,” he admits grudgingly, not removing his head from his hands yet.

 

“Well the next step is figuring out if you’re _attracted_ to him, ok? I know it’s scary.”

 

“Why are you so ok with this?” He asks suddenly.

 

“Why wouldn’t I be? I told you, I accepted it a long time ago.”

 

“But _I_ haven’t even accepted it yet, so how have you? How did you even know?”

 

She sighs. “I didn’t _know_. I just… suspected. That you were _maybe_ different from most of the other boys around here. And then I met David, and you met Phil, and little pieces of the puzzle started to fit together. I would never presume to _know_ something like that about someone I didn’t know, but I know you, Dan. And it just makes sense. But it’s still up to you. If it doesn’t feel right to you, or you’re not ready, that’s ok too. But I’m happy I can be here to maybe help you figure it out.”

 

He feels a lump in his throat as he whispers, “Me too.”

 

“Good,” she says. “So… do you use Phil as wank material?”

 

“Fuck, Rain.”

 

“I’m sorry Dan, I just can’t resist. Your face goes red every single time, it’s adorable.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“You still haven’t answered the question.”

 

“Because I… I can’t, ok?”

 

“What d’you mean?”

 

“I haven’t… done _that_ … in a while.”

 

She laughs. “Are you ill?”

 

“I hate you,” he mutters.

 

“You really are having a sexual identity crisis, aren’t you? You’re so afraid of liking the thought of dick that you haven’t been wanking?”

 

“Fuck you. I’m not afraid, I’m—”

 

“Confused, I know,” she says, rolling her eyes. “Look, I’ve decided that’s officially bullshit and you’re not allowed to use that as an excuse anymore.”

 

He’s about to retort when he feels his phone buzz in his pocket. It’s a text from Phil.

 

_**Phil** : hope you’re having a fun time while i’m sat here all alone. i uploaded a video, you can check it out later if you want_

 

He smiles and Rain notices. “Is that him?”

 

Dan nods. He realizes he still hasn’t actually told her about what drove him back here in the first place.

 

“Can I show you something?” He asks her.

 

He shows her Phil’s Weird Kid video first, and then his own video. He’s never seen such a strange mix of shock and glee on anyone’s face before.

 

“Holy shit, Dan. I never would’ve thought you’d do something like that.”

 

“I know. I didn’t either to be honest.”

 

“Phil’s good for you,” she says warmly. “And he’s fit, too. You didn’t tell me he was so fit. Whatever he ends up being to you, he’s good. Don’t let him get away.”

 

“I… I won’t. That’s kind of why I’m here.” He scrolls through the comments on his video until he gets to the dreaded one. He shows her and says, “I read this and just completely fucking freaked out.”

 

“Because you got hate? Or because they called you… that?”

 

“I don’t know,” he admits. “Probably both.”

 

“Have I helped at all?” She asks.

 

“I think so. I mean, I’d already calmed down a lot by the time I was on my way here. But yeah, you’ve been…” he trails off.

 

“I think amazing is the word you’re looking for here. Amazing, wonderful, spectacularly insightful.”

 

He laughs. “Right.”

 

“Are you gonna keep making videos?”

 

“Yeah, I think so. It’s fun.”

 

“Then you’re gonna have to get used to comments like this.”

 

“I know.”

 

“You’ll probably get a lot worse,” she warns.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“But it doesn’t mean anything.”

 

He nods. “I know.”

 

“I’m proud of you,” she says, slipping her hand into his and squeezing.

 

“Thanks.” His voice is thick with emotion now.

 

“Will you do something for me?”

 

“Of course.” He can’t think of anything he wouldn’t do for her at this point.

 

“Have a wank tonight. And don’t filter what pops into your head.”

 

He slags her off and she laughs but makes him swear he’ll do it. They watch Phil’s new video and Dan feels his chest tighten a little because it’d clearly been filmed a while ago. He looks younger and he sounds more Northern and he’s not wearing a shirt and the video is so quirky and odd with eerie music and quick edits. He’s got different voices for different characters and he’s rubbing slime on his face and it’s a good video—it’s funny and weird and Phil is endearing as ever but that’s not what Dan’s focusing on when he watches the video. He realizes suddenly that he’s been daft this whole time and Rain has been right because all he can focus on is Phil’s naked chest.

 

He doesn’t tell her, but he doesn’t think he’s going to be surprised at what ‘pops into his head’ in a few hours.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally the mature rating is validated :)

After Rain drops him off at home, he finds his mum and gives her a cursory hello. It’s late and mercifully she’s already about to go to bed, so he doesn’t have to worry about trying to pretend he’s been revising and saving his money and meeting a nice girl and whatever other sensible things he’s sure she wishes he’d do.

 

“Have you remembered that you don’t have a bed here anymore?” She asks.

 

Fuck. He absolutely had not remembered. He shakes his head.

 

“You can take your brother’s room, though I can’t vouch for what state it’s in.”

 

“That’s ok, it’s just for tonight. I think I’ll sleep in and then catch a train ho—back to Manchester in the afternoon. I…” he feels the need to add in an excuse so as not to seem rude, though he doesn’t think she’s really bothered either way. “…have work the next day.”

 

“Alright, love. I’m sorry we can’t spend any time together. Maybe you can come back up soon? Maybe for your birthday?”

 

“Uh, yeah, yeah, sure,” he mumbles. He’s honestly a little surprised. Truthfully he’d always felt like an afterthought to his parents. Not necessarily neglected, but tolerated. He suddenly realizes that that probably says more about him than it does about them. It’s not like he’d ever been good at sharing his thoughts or feelings or even just basic desires with them. He’ll have to add his mum to the list of people who deserve a little more effort from him.

 

He reheats some food from the fridge and brings it with him into his brother’s room. It’s really not that messy, especially for a fourteen year old boy—apparently he’s not the only Howell son with a penchant for tidiness and symmetry.

 

He takes off his jeans, turns out the light and crawls into the bed. He shovels the food down quicker than should be humanly possible, but it’s the first thing he’s eaten all day—and it’s been a long day.

 

With the food gone he has nothing left but his phone to distract himself from agonizing over his conversation with Rain, or worse: performing the _task_ she’d demanded of him. He pulls out his phone before his heart rate can start accelerating too much, but evidently the universe wants him to be thinking about Phil right now.

 

**_Phil_ ** _: did you get a chance to watch the video? :]_

**_Dan_ ** _: yes omg phil it was so fucking weird but really funny… you looked like a fetus tho like how long ago did you film it??_

**_Phil_ ** _: like 2 years ago or something lol_

**_Dan_ ** _: it really took you 2 years to start posting??_

**_Phil_ ** _: well i filmed a lot of videos like that when i was at uni, just to practice editing and stuff… most of it is crap but i kinda liked that one_

**_Dan_ ** _: yeah, i liked it a lot_

 

He’s glad Phil isn’t here to see him blush. The image of a shirtless Phil is still fresh in his mind.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: i still can’t believe you’ve been sitting on videos for that long tho.._

**_Phil_ ** _: i told you dan, i couldn’t have done it without you_

 

He looks at his phone, at the sincerity radiating off the small screen in the dark of his brother’s bedroom and wonders how he’d ever felt even a modicum of doubt about the way Phil makes him feel, all fluttery in stomach and shaky in his long fingers.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: what are you doing rn?_

**_Phil_ ** _: nothing. so bored. normally i’d be watching anime with you or getting my butt kicked at Mario kart right about now so i’m feeling a bit lost tbh_

**_Dan_ ** _: you didn’t wanna call charlie?_

**_Phil_ ** _: told you, he’s not who i want_

Dan sucks in a breath. It hits him just as hard hearing—or reading—it a second time. He knows he shouldn’t assume it means the same thing for Phil that it does for him. Maybe Phil is flirty with all his friends.

 

Dan’s not blind though, not modest enough not to have noticed the looks Phil gives him sometimes, the lingering glances on his naked thighs in the morning when they’re stretched out on the ledge of the balcony, the way Phil’s eyes had widened that day Dan had walked into the kitchen in nothing but a loosely wrapped towel.

 

He knows he’d promised Rain he’d explore himself, mentally _and_ physically tonight, but something about the dark in the room and the deepening fatigue in his bones and the revelation Rain had pulled from him is making him want to be brave in another way. He pretty much knows now what he’s feeling—it’s there and it’s real and it’s getting stronger every day. What he can’t be _sure_ of is how Phil feels, and suddenly, it matters to him. A lot. For all he knows Phil thinks Dan is straight.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: can i call you?_

**_Phil_ ** _: i thought you’d never ask_

 

“Hi Dan.” His voice is shockingly attractive over the phone, even deeper and huskier than his just-woken-up voice or his late-night-deliriously-tired voice.

 

“Hey Philly.”

 

Phil laughs. “So how are things down South?”

 

“That’s what she said,” Dan responds instantly. He can’t even help himself, it’s like a knee-jerk reaction at this point. He shakes his head, disappointed.

 

“I guess it’s going well then,” Phil laughs.

 

“Shut up! I’m literally all alone in the dark in my brother’s bed.”

 

“Oh yeah, your bed is here, huh? That means you should be here too, just saying…”

 

“Oh yeah? You really are bored then, aren’t you?”

 

“Yes, Dan. I need you.” It doesn’t sound like a joke. It doesn’t sound like playful banter.

 

“I’m coming back tomorrow,” Dan says quietly. “I don’t even really know why I came here in the first place.”

 

“You were scared. It’s ok. I get it. It’s a lot,” Phil says. “I’m scared too.”

 

“I shouldn’t have left. We could have been scared together.”

 

“We still can be. I’m still a little scared,” Phil admits. “Are you?”

 

“Yeah,” Dan’s almost whispering now. “But not about YouTube.” He shouldn’t have called Phil tonight. He’s too tired and that makes this dangerous. Exhaustion makes him do and say things he wouldn’t normally—almost like when he’s drunk.

 

“What then?” Phil asks.

 

“It’s not important.”

 

“Ok… So what have you been up to? Seen any old friends?”

 

“Just one,” Dan says, turning onto his side and pulling the blanket up over his shoulders. For some reason he feels like the more of himself is hidden, the less real this conversation is. It’s completely illogical but makes him feel better—like when you’re a kid and you think no one can see you once you cover your eyes.

 

“Who?”

 

“Rain.”

 

“Oh. Is that…?”

 

“My ex? Yeah.”

 

“Oh. Cool.” Phil sounds weird, like he doesn’t think it’s cool at all really. Does he sound… nervous? Jealous? He couldn’t, could he?

 

“Yeah, she was supposed to be going back to her boyfriend in Leeds, but I forced her to stay an extra day to listen to me moan.”

 

“What a good friend,” Phil laughs and Dan’s positive he hears relief in his voice.

 

“Yeah, it’s kind of weird, we work way better as friends than we de did as a couple.”

 

“Like me and Charlie.”

 

“Yeah, I suppose so,” Dan agrees. “We have that in common, I guess.”

 

“We have a lot in common,” Phil says fondly.

 

“This is true. Except for your stubborn refusal to accept Kanye’s genius,” Dan chuckles.

 

“You can’t see me but I’m rolling my eyes,” Phil retorts.

 

“I wish I could see you,” Dan says without thinking. He cringes and pulls the covers up over his head. He’s reverted to a full-on infant now.

 

“Me too,” Phil says quietly. “Is it… is it weird for me to say I miss you?”

 

Dan feels his heart flip. “No. I miss you too.” He whispers it—again, like the quieter he says it, the less intensely the emotion will resonate.

 

“Are we the most co-dependent flatmates to ever exist?”

 

“Probably,” Dan laughs. “Next time I go away, I’ll remember to bring my laptop so we can Skype.”

 

“Or you could just bring me?” Phil says.

 

Fuck.

 

“Totally, I’ll just shove you in my backpack and we’ll be good to go.” He says it jokingly, but his heart is pounding against his chest like a sledgehammer.

 

“So you showed her your video?” Phil asks.

 

“Uh huh. And yours. I hope that’s ok.”

 

“Of course,” Phil laughs. “Gotta get those views. You know we could make actual money off this?”

 

“What, really?” Dan asks.

 

“Yeah, definitely. Like Charlie. YouTube is what he does like, as a job.”

 

“Wow, I didn’t actually know that was a thing.”

 

“Uh huh,” Phil says.

 

“So we’re gonna be famous _and_ rich is what you’re saying?”

 

“Well _you_ are, mister popular,” Phil teases. You’ve got more views and subscribers than me.”

 

“People are fucking idiots, Phil.”

 

“Nah. They like pretty boys who’re funny.”

 

“You think I’m pretty?”

 

“Um… yeah, obviously, Howell. Have you looked in the mirror lately?”

 

Dan huffs out a laugh. He decides if Phil can say it, he can too.

 

“If being pretty and funny is all that’s required, you’ll do just fine, Philip.”

 

“I’m pretty too?” Phil asks, and Dan’s not sure if it’s just banter or if Phil is actually fishing, here.

 

“Yes Phil, you’re very pretty. Actually, I think hot would be more accurate.” He squeezes his eyes shut and feels every muscle in his body clench as he awaits Phil’s response.

 

“You think I’m hot?” Ok, it’s definitely not banter. Phil’s voice is a baritone rumble sending chills up Dan’s spine.

 

“Yeah,” Dan says, and his own voice is suddenly an octave deeper as well. “Does that surprise you?”

 

“Kind of, yeah,” Phil admits.

 

“Why?” Dan can’t even believe his own ears. He must be more tired than he realized—this is some unparalleled level of bravery for him.

 

“I dunno, I guess I didn’t know if you were—” Phil’s voice cuts off.

 

“Phil?”

 

“Sorry, sorry. Charlie’s calling me.”

 

“This late?” Dan asks, feeling a mixture of relief and disappointment flood his gut knowing that whatever trajectory their conversation had begun to take had most likely been halted in its tracks.

 

“All my friends are nocturnal, just like us. I’ll just ignore him,” Phil says.

 

“No, no, it’s ok. I’m knackered, honestly. I woke up really bloody early this morning.”

 

“You did.”

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow?”

 

“Definitely. Goodnight Dan.”

 

When Dan hangs up his head is spinning and his hands are shaking. He’d been tired just a moment ago but right now that’s a distant memory. He’d made a promise to Rain and he’d been nervous about it before but now it’s all he can think about.

 

He doesn’t even need to do it technically, because she’d wanted him to do it as an experiment, to see if _maybe_ he might _possibly_ think about Phil for a second while his dick was in his hand and _maybe_ he might _possibly_ not hate it. And he knows the answer now, without even having taken off his pants yet.

 

But he’s definitely still going to do it, because now it’s not an experiment or an assignment. Now it’s a desire burning hot under his skin, bubbling in his stomach, tingling in his toes. Now he’s sliding his hand into his boxers and gripping his cock firmly and his mind is flooded with Phil. Phil without a shirt, the hair on his naked chest and the broadness of his shoulders, his biceps, his forearms—fuck, every inch of exposed skin in that video is driving Dan’s hand to move over himself harder and faster. He remembers the way it felt when Phil pushed that strawberry against his lips like a kiss, the feel of Phil’s thumb dragging lightly over his bottom lip. Heat coils in the pit of his stomach and he actually tries to slow his hand, just so he won't have to stop picturing Phil’s full lips and black hair and deep voiced confession of ‘he’s not the one I want.’

 

He drags his hand down slowly and then back up, squeezing, twisting over the head and it’s too late—he remembers the feel of Phil’s arm wrapped around his waist, Phil’s body pressed against his under the warm weight of Phil’s blankets and he’s coming hard, so hard he has to bite down harshly on his lip to stop from moaning as obscenely as he wants to.

 

He feels fifteen again. His hand is sticky and his underwear is soaked. He’s stretched out across the bed, thighs shaking, utterly boneless. He pulls his hand out of his pants and smears it against his shirt ‘til it’s cleaned off well enough—he doesn’t even care. He’s too exhausted and blissed out to give a fuck about come on his shirt. The most he can manage is pulling off the wrecked pants and using them to wipe himself off a bit before tossing them over the edge of the bed.

 

With the last bit of energy remaining in his body he grabs his phone and types out a text for Rain.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: did it_

 

Her response is so quick that he’s left thinking she’d definitely stayed up waiting for a text just such as this.

 

**_Rain_ ** _: and?_

**_Dan_ ** _: i’m definitely not confused anymore_


	14. Chapter 14

Rain picks him up early the next afternoon to take him to the train station. He can tell she wants to ask him about last night’s revelation, but for once it seems she’s waiting for Dan to make the first move. He doesn’t _really_ want to go into detail about just how enlightening his ‘experiment’ had been. He’s still processing the violence of his orgasm just at the mere memory of Phil’s body. His thoughts hadn’t even really had a chance to turn properly dirty before he'd been wracked with waves of searing pleasure. Honestly—he’s still reeling a little. He’s not really ready to put the experience into words suitable for his ex-girlfriend’s ears. Rain is his friend, probably the best one he’s ever had—but that doesn’t change the fact that they’d spent three years getting to know each other’s bodies intimately, and Dan just wouldn’t feel right telling her he’d never come so hard in his life as he had last night, all alone, thinking about a boy.

 

She gets tired of waiting for him to start the conversation. “So you thought about Phil?”

 

He nods.

 

“And it was good?”

 

He turns his head, looks out the window and nods again.

 

“How do you feel?” Her voice is soft, tentative.

 

“Scared, I guess,” he admits. He can admit that to her.

 

“Are you gonna tell him?”

 

He puts his thumbnail between his teeth and bites down hard. “I kind of already did.”

 

“What? When?”

 

“Last night. I called him... before.”

 

“I don’t understand.”

 

“I dunno, I was like, drunk with exhaustion and feeling weird and we were talking and he was being so…” he trails off.

 

“What?” He can tell she really wants to hit him for making her work this hard for his confession.

 

“Flirty?”

 

“Well, fuck,” she laughs.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“And you flirted back?”

 

He closes his eyes and tries to remember all the points in the conversation last night where he’d felt his cheeks flush or pulled the covers tighter around himself. “I think so, yeah. I think I told him he was hot.”

 

“You think?”

 

“I did.”

 

“Wow, Dan. Shit.” She sounds impressed.

 

“I mean to be fair, he told me I was pretty first. And that he misses me.”

 

“And why aren’t you guys together yet?”

 

“It didn’t necessarily mean anything. Maybe he’s just… like that. With everyone.” It sounds weak even to him.

 

“Are you actually dense enough to believe that?”

 

He shrugs. “I mean, I don’t know for sure.”

 

“You won’t if you don’t talk to him about it,” she says quietly.

 

He tries to find another nail to bite, but realizes they’re all already bitten down. He hugs his knees up to his chest. “Don’t know if I’m ready for that,” he mumbles.

 

“For fuck’s sake.” She turns the steering wheel, pulls over to the side of the road and stomps the brake. She puts the car in park and turns her whole body to face him. “Listen, ok? Please.”

 

He nods, eyes widened.

 

“Please don’t be a fucking idiot.”

 

“Hey—”

 

“I’m actually serious, Dan. Don’t do what you always do. Don’t ignore this until it goes away. I can tell you like this guy, a lot. I haven’t even met him or seen you two together or gotten a real straight answer out of you this whole time and I can _still_ tell how fucking much you like this guy. And it seems pretty obvious that he likes you too.”

 

She reaches out and takes his hand. “You’ve got to start taking care of yourself, Dan. I can’t always be here to be your life coach. I’ve got my own problems to deal with. I want you to be happy but you have to take responsibility now. Ok?”

 

If it was anyone else he would have told them to fuck off. But he knows she’s right. He’s been rather unfairly forcing her into the position of wise and helpful therapist.

 

“I know. I’ll try, I promise. It’s just… I wasn’t even good at this shit when I was with you…”

 

“I know. Don’t you get it yet?”

 

“Get what?”

 

“You weren’t good at it because you weren’t that into me. You didn’t really care to be good at it.”

 

He opens his mouth to argue but she claps her hand over his mouth.

 

“Shut up. We both know it’s true and I’m over it now. Mostly. I have someone now who _is_ into me, quite a lot actually, so I know now what it’s supposed to feel like. And if you can get your shit together with Phil, I think you will too. So don’t be a twat.”

 

“Ok,” he whispers.

 

*

 

The train ride is long and boring as ever. He doesn’t text Phil. He’s still processing the events of last night.

 

It’s early evening by the time he finally gets back to Manchester. He decides to let his laziness win out and shells out for a taxi to take him home. He hadn’t warned Phil he’d be back soon, so he shouldn’t be as surprised as he is when he opens the door to the flat and sees Phil standing in the kitchen in nothing but his boxers.

 

His hair is wet and slightly wavy. He looks impossibly tall and long-legged and there’s that fucking chest with its sexy smattering of hair and surprisingly firm-looking chest and his arms are crossed and it makes them look thicker than Dan knows they are but it doesn’t matter, it still sends arousal stabbing into his gut.

 

He’s utterly speechless for a moment. Phil notices him and jumps.

 

“God!” He’s clutching his chest. “Don’t do that!”

 

Dan doesn’t do anything, doesn’t say anything, can’t bring himself to move from where his feet have become one with the carpet.

 

“Dan?”

 

“You’re naked,” Dan croaks finally.

 

“Not quite,” Phil says with a grin.

 

Dan knows he should really stop staring at Phil’s chest. He’s being very fucking obvious and weird about absolutely gawking, but he can’t seem to stop. He thinks he’s developing some sort of kink right then and there for his flatmate’s fucking chest hair.

 

“You ok, mate?” Phil says.

 

“You’re not wearing any clothes,” is all he comes out with.

 

“I know,” Phil laughs. He’s actually laughing now.

 

“Put some clothes on, you perv.” Dan forces himself to say something that sounds like something he would say if he wasn’t trying desperately with every cell in his body to keep from getting hard at that very moment.

 

“You sure?” Phil cocks his eyebrow.

 

Dan takes a long time to answer, definitively giving up any chance of playing this off. He might as well have fun with it now. “Mmmm… give me a minute to think about it,” he says with a cheeky look.

 

Phil laughs, “Ok, ok, I’m going. Maybe I’m just trying to give you a taste of your own medicine, Danny boy. You’re always prancing around here in your pants.”

 

“Yeah but at least I wear a jumper.”

 

“You complaining?” Phil asks.

 

Dan doesn’t answer, just rakes his eyes up Phil’s body and down again slowly. Phil’s smile falls quickly. Dan looks into his eyes and for a split second he thinks it’s going to happen right then and there. He doesn’t know if his heart is beating so fast that he can’t feel it anymore or if it actually has stopped completely. He doesn’t know if he’s ready.

 

Then Phil huffs out a laugh and runs his hand through his hair and says, “It’s cold anyway,” and slips out of the kitchen towards his bedroom. “Be right back.”

 

Dan closes his eyes and slumps against the wall for a minute. He stays there until he hears Phil open his door again. Dan quickly walks over to the kettle and fills it. “You want coffee?”

 

Phil nods. He’s wearing tight black jeans and a black hoodie and Dan has to look away because dear god, Phil in black is almost as good as Phil naked. Dan smiles as he recalls Charlie saying something similar about him.

 

“You’re wearing jeans,” Dan says.

 

“You’re very observant tonight, Dan,” Phil teases.

 

“Shut up,” Dan laughs. “I just mean like, you look like you’re going out?”

 

“Yeah, I was about to ask you actually… I’m going to a party tonight.”

 

“You were gonna ask me if you’re going to a party?” Dan asks confusedly.

 

“I was gonna ask if you wanted to come. If you’re not like, too tired.”

 

“Oh. Uhh… yeah, sure. Whose is it?”

 

“Charlie’s.”

 

“Oh, right.”

 

“It’ll most likely be horrible.”

 

“Yeah?” Dan scoops coffee into their mugs.

 

“Yeah, you’ve met the bloke.”

 

“Yeah, I can kind of imagine what it’s gonna be like.”

 

“I’m really glad you’re home in time to come. I hate Charlie’s parties.” Phil opens the fridge for the milk.

 

“We’ll make it fun,” Dan promises. “We can sneak away and get drunk and make fun of people together.”

 

Phil turns to lock eyes with Dan and smiles warmly. “I really did miss you.”

 

“Me too,” Dan says, looking down into his mug. It’s all feeling too good to be true.

 

“Hey there’s something else I wanted to ask you,” Phil says, reaching for the kettle as it beeps. “I have to go to my parents’ place on the Isle of Man next weekend.”

 

Dan laughs. “That’s not a question, Phil.”

 

“My question is, do you wanna come with me?”

 

“What, really?”

 

“Yeah. My parents want to meet you.”

 

“Really? Why?” Dan’s pulse has picked up a bit.

 

“They want to meet the person I’m sharing the flat with,” Phil says, bemused. “The flat they’re paying for me to live in.”

 

“Oh.” He feels disappointed, though he knows he shouldn’t.

 

“Plus I really didn’t like it when you were gone and I’d like to avoid that feeling again if I can. I’m quite fond of you now, Dan.”

 

Dan smiles. He can feel his dimple sinking deep into his cheek. “Same.”

 

“So you’ll come?” Phil asks hopefully.

 

“Sure… oh wait… next weekend?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“So that’s, the 10th and the 11th?”

 

“I think so. Why?”

 

“The 11th is my birthday. I kind of told my mum I’d go back home again.”

 

“Damn.” Phil looks legitimately disappointed.

 

“But,” he reconsiders quickly, “I can just tell her I have to work or I have to do something for school or something.”

 

“Dan, you don’t have to lie to your mum for me.”

 

“Alright, then I’ll tell her the truth.”

 

“You don’t want to be with your family for your birthday?” Phil asks.

 

“No, I want to be with yours.”

 

Phil beams. “Ok, great. My mum will be really happy, she’s been wanting to meet you ever since you moved in. She can make you a cake if you want, she always makes really cool cakes.”

 

Dan laughs. “She sounds like a proper mum.”

 

“She is. Kath is the best.”

 

“I can’t wait to meet her.” Dan smiles, picks up his coffee and takes a sip. Objectively he knows it tastes terrible, but he kind of likes it now because it reminds him of Phil. “Wait, I thought your parents lived in Rawtenstall?”

 

“They do.”

 

“But we’re going to Isle of Man?”

 

“Yeah… they have a house there too.”

 

“Fuck, Phil, you didn’t tell me you were loaded.”

 

Phil frowns. “I guess I never really thought about it… Anyway it’s them, not me. I don’t have a pound to my name.”

 

“Not yet,” Dan says. “Soon we’ll both be YouTube rich, remember?”

 

Dan finishes his coffee and tells Phil he has to shower before they leave—he hadn’t bothered the whole time he'd been gone. He sighs as he steps into the steam, feels the hot water hit his shoulders, his back, loosening his muscles. Unsurprisingly, it would seem he’s been tensing up around Phil lately.

 

He lathers up his hair, closes his eyes as he steps under the spray and lets the shampoo run down his face. His eyes are still closed when he reaches out and gropes around for the shower gel, so he doesn’t realize until it’s too late that he’s grabbed the wrong one, and his senses are flooded with the scent of Phil. He feels dizzy with it, remembering the last time he’d been surrounded so intensely by this smell, cuddled up tight in Phil’s bed, Phil holding him close and begging him to stay.

 

He’s running his hands all over his body, scrubbing the scent of Phil into his skin and maybe his hand ends up lingering in a certain spot. Maybe his mind replays the pretty picture of Phil stood in the middle of the kitchen in his underwear, and the time Phil had mumbled about loving blowjobs. Maybe his hand isn’t so much cleaning anymore as it is rubbing, squeezing, stroking until his thighs shake and his knees are weak. So maybe he’s gotten off thinking about Phil twice in less than twenty four hours. No one has to know.

 

*

 

The party is exactly as awful as Phil had warned him it would be. It’s dark and there are people everywhere, drunk, yelling, dancing to the awful rap/pop/garbage that’s blaring from the speakers in the corner of Charlie’s lounge. The air is smoky, thick with the smell of cigarettes and something else, something a little musky and sweet. It’s loud and claustrophobic and exactly the kind of situation Dan would usually avoid at all costs.

 

But tonight, he kind of loves it. He loves the warmth that’s spreading through his body as he sips warm Malibu from an honest to god red solo cup. He loves the way his apprehension and nervousness and indecision are fading into the back of his head with every drink. He loves that the music is so loud that Phil has to lean over and whisper in Dan’s ear every time he wants to say something to him. He loves the way Phil places his hand lightly on Dan’s lower back as he asks if he wants another drink.

 

Oh, but he hates the look of the girl who ‘accidently’ leans into Phil as he’s getting the drinks. He hates the way she smiles at him, hates the way her shirt is cut low and her hand is on Phil’s forearm. He hates this part of himself that rears up so strongly and so irrationally sometimes, but he hates the way this girl is looking at Phil even more, so he walks over to them and grabs Phil’s hand and pulls him away, pulls him over to a small sofa in the corner of the room. He lets go as soon as they sit, but the warmth of Phil’s satin skin lingers in the palm of Dan’s hand. He’s drunk, too drunk, letting all his baser instincts take over now. He’ll probably cringe in the morning when he remembers.

 

“Who was that?” Dan asks. He has to talk rather loudly to be heard over the booming bass that shakes the floor with every beat.

 

Phil chooses to lean in closer instead of shouting. “Dunno. You pulled me away before she could say anything.” He’s smiling.

 

“She was fit,” Dan says in a tone he hopes is casual.

 

“If you’re into that sort of thing,” Phil replies. Their shoulders are pressed together.

 

“Are you not?” Dan asks.

 

Phil leans over and whispers low right in Dan’s ear, “Not tonight.”

 

*

 

They stumble home many hours later and they’re absolutely pissed. Phil drops the keys twice trying to slide them into the lock before Dan laughs and pushes him out of the way. It comes as no surprise that Phil becomes even more shockingly uncoordinated with large amounts of alcohol in his system.

 

“You wanna watch something?” Dan asks once they’re inside.

 

Phil shakes his head. “Too tired.”

 

Dan won’t pretend his heart doesn’t sink a little but he tries to ignore it, nodding and saying, “Alright, mate, see you tomo—”

 

“Dan?” Phil cuts him off.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Can you do me a favour?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Would you sleep with me tonight?”

 

Dan’s mouth falls open but thankfully he still has enough wherewithal to close it right back up again. Can’t remember to actually verbally respond to Phil’s question however. “Umm…”

 

“You know, cuz I’ve been drinking,” Phil’s words seem to be blending into each other a little.

 

“Right…”

 

“I might wake up with a headache?”

 

“Ohhh, right,” Dan says, relieved and disappointed all at once. “Yeah, sure Phil.”

 

They make it to Phil’s room without tripping and falling over and Phil must be even drunker than Dan thought because he doesn’t hesitate a second before yanking off first hoodie and then the tshirt underneath. Now he’s stood there shirtless and Dan is watching him undoing his belt buckle, unzipping his fly and Dan feels his face go red hot. He can’t take his eyes off Phil’s hands as they slip beneath the waist of his jeans, pushing them down off his legs.

 

“I usually wear pjs but I can’t be arsed tonight, s’that ok?” Phil says, looking up at Dan.

 

All Dan can manage is a nod. He waits until Phil is climbing into bed to quickly tear off his own clothes. He slips into the other side of the bed, making sure to keep as much distance as he can between their bodies.

 

“Thanks for this, Dan,” Phil mumbles sleepily, reaching over to the lamp and turning it off, plunging the room into darkness.

 

“Anytime,” Dan whispers, closing his eyes. His head is spinning a little, still hazy from the drinks and maybe even a little heavy from the thick weed smoke that’d been wafting around Charlie’s flat all night.

 

“I’m really glad you’re back. I don’t like it when you leave,” Phil mumbles into his pillow and Dan can tell that he’s already half asleep.

 

Dan smiles and shuffles in a little closer so that their knees are touching and he can feel Phil’s breath on his cheek.

 

“Me neither, Phil.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this got kind of real and emotional and strangely personal so i hope you guys like the slight change of pace here... but things are happening y'all

Dan’s head is pounding. He hasn’t even opened his eyes yet but he can tell from the brightness behind his eyelids that it’s probably well into the afternoon. He feels warm—too warm, like he’s been sleeping next to a radiator. He grabs the blanket and flings it to the side aggressively. His arm smacks into something firm and makes a painful-sounding slapping noise. His eyes pop open.

 

“Um, ow. Good morning to you too,” Phil croaks out a laugh.

 

Shit. He’d somehow completely forgotten he’d spent the night in Phil’s bed. “Sorry!”

 

“S’ok,” Phil replies, turning over onto his side to face Dan.

 

Dan pulls the blanket back over his chest, suddenly feeling extremely aware of the fact that they’re both wearing nothing but their pants. “D’you have a headache?”

 

“If I say no, are you gonna leave?” Phil asks.

 

Dan wonders idly if he’ll always feel a thrill when he hears Phil’s husky morning voice.

 

“Only if you ask me to.”

 

“Then no,” Phil smirks. “I mean I do, but just the normal ‘I’ve-been-out-drinking-all-night-like-a-teenager’ kind of headache.”

 

“Same,” Dan says, and he turns onto his side as well. They’re far enough apart not to be touching, but that’s not saying much as Phil’s bed is quite small. They’re both huddled into Phil’s green and blue duvet, studying each other’s faces.

 

Being this close to Phil is doing nothing to quell the fluttering feeling in Dan’s gut. His eyes are a little puffy from sleep, but they’re shockingly blue in the natural light filtering through the window. His nose and cheeks are dusted with freckles and Dan has to ball his hands up to keep from reaching out and stroking his thumb across the pretty constellation they make across his milky complexion. His long black fringe somehow still looks straight and glossy, albeit flipped up into a quiff instead of falling across his forehead.

 

“How does your hair in the morning look better than mine right after I’ve spent an hour trying to make it look nice?” Dan muses.

 

“It doesn’t. Yours is adorable right now.” Phil reaches out and coils a strand around his finger. “You must have been sweating last night, it’s gone all curly.”

 

“Wonderful,” Dan says, rolling his eyes. “How attractive.”

 

“I’m telling you, it is.”

 

Dan doesn’t respond, just continues staring into Phil’s cerulean eyes and wondering when he’ll find the courage to act on the feelings that are twisting around inside his chest. Everything feels easier when it’s the middle of the night and they’re delirious with sleep, or off their heads on too many cups of Malibu. Here in the bright light of day, it’s too real, too intense.

 

Phil shuffles a little closer. Dan feels his shoulders tense.

 

“Do you work today?” Phil asks quietly. Dan shakes his head. “Wanna do something?”

 

“Yeah,” he croaks, as if they’re talking about something other than eating pizza and playing Crash Bandicoot all day.

 

Their faces are so close now, close enough that Dan could close the distance quickly, easily, if he wasn’t such a fucking coward. He wants to. He really wants to, and he knows Phil does too because his eyes flit down to stare at Dan’s lips for a moment before moving back up to meet his eyes again. He doesn’t close the distance though—neither of them do.

 

“Dan?” Phil whispers.

 

“Yeah?” He manages to choke out.

 

“We really need to go brush our teeth.”

 

“Shut UP!” Dan squawks, his voice pitching up dramatically into a loud shriek. Phil laughs in that way that makes Dan melt, eyes scrunched, tongue peeking out.

 

They stumble to the bathroom in their underwear and stand beside each other in front of the mirror, brushing their teeth together. Phil bumps Dan playfully with his hip.

 

“Wow Phil,” Dan mumbles through a mouthful of minty foam. “Those are some serious Shakira hips.”

 

Once their teeth are brushed Phil pushes Dan out saying he needs to shower. Dan returns to Phil’s room and grabs the black hoodie lying in a heap on the floor and throws it on. He goes to the kitchen and starts the daily ritual of making coffee for the both of them. He’s just stirring in the milk when Phil appears beside him, smelling sweet and musky and sending a little chill up Dan’s spine with the memory of what he’d been doing the last time he smelled that smell so intensely.

 

“Nice sweater, Dan,” Phil says in a voice that would suggest more than a casual compliment from a flatmate.

 

He looks up at Phil, whose arms are crossed and eyes are staring at him hungrily. Dan looks down and realizes he’s grabbed the wrong sweater.

 

“You look good in my clothes. I like it,” he practically growls, his voice is so deep.

 

Dan doesn’t say anything, just hands Phil his coffee and leans against the counter. They stay there for a minute just looking at each other. Again. Dan wonders how long it’s going to take him, how charged things will have to become for him to stop ignoring what’s going on between the two of them.

 

Finally he cracks and looks away, takes a sip of his coffee. “What do you wanna do today?”

 

“Cinema?”

 

*

 

They make a proper day of going into town. They have lunch at Starbucks and wander through the shops before buying their tickets to see Thor—Phil’s choice. Dan teases him about it mercilessly.

 

“Thor, huh? Is that your type, Phil? Blonde and ripped?”

 

“Shut up,” Phil says, his accent coming out thick. Dan’s noticed that he always turns more Northern when he’s embarrassed.

 

Dan’s about to say something about how he happens to look nothing like Chris Hemsworth, but thinks better of it.

 

Apparently though, Phil’s mind has gone to a similar place. “I don’t have a type.” He looks right at Dan. “But blonde and ripped is _especially_ not my type right now.”

 

Dan thinks about pretending to be offended at the implication that he’s not ripped, but again, thinks better of it. So far all the teasing and, dare he say, flirting, has been passably light-hearted and non-specific. They both know what’s happening, Dan’s sure of it now, but neither of them seem to be able to muster up the courage to openly address it yet.

 

They sit beside each other in the dark cinema and Dan’s not sure he’s ever been so keenly aware of the position of his limbs in all his life. He keeps his arms to himself, not trusting himself not to let his hand wander if he leaves it on the armrest. His legs are spread in that way that implies ease, comfort, but he’s bouncing his foot against the ground restlessly—until he feels Phil’s knee touch his. Dan keeps his eyes glued to the screen but even then he knows it’s no accident. Their calves are pressed together tightly and neither makes any attempt to break contact. It’s such a simple, innocuous touch but Dan’s heart beats faster for the rest of the film’s runtime.

 

*

 

They spend the next week dancing around each other, around the truth Dan’s sure they both know at this point. They film, edit and post videos, reply to comments, watch anime, play video games. Dan goes to work. He sleeps in his own bed. He still spends ninety percent of his time at home in his underwear.

 

There are times late at night when they’re lying on opposite ends of the sofa, and maybe their feet are touching or their legs are a little overlapped and they’re tired to the point of frequent yawns and drooping eyelids, that Dan’s tempted to just be brave and chase the thrum in his chest and warmth in his heart all the way to Phil’s soft-looking lips, but always there is a fear niggling in the corner of his mind. A fear of what it means if he kisses a man and really likes it as much as he’s come to think he will. A fear of what to call himself now and what to tell his parents and how to act when he’s out in the streets of Manchester or walking the halls of the university. A fear of the assumptions people will make about all his past relationships and all his future ones and questions of who’s the girl and does he really like taking it up the ass?

 

He hates that this is where his mind goes when he thinks about touching Phil, hates that the purity of his emotion for this kind, wonderful man can be muddied by fears and anxieties mucked out by his own brain. He’s never been good at tempering his thoughts. They always seem to overwhelm him, especially when all he wants to do is ignore them.

 

If Rain were here, she’d notice, he thinks. She’d see him retreating into the dark corners of uncertainty and do her utmost to pull him out and thrust him into the light. He wants the light, badly. Light is Phil’s warm smile and soft skin and broad shoulders and blue eyes and maddeningly fucking sexy chest hair.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: help_

**_Rain_ ** _: ok..._

**_Dan_ ** _: i’m being a twat_

**_Rain_ ** _: why?_

**_Dan_ ** _: i’m fucking scared_

**_Rain_ ** _: i know_

**_Dan_ ** _: i don’t know how to do this_

**_Rain_ ** _: i mean, i don’t either ya know. i know i’m really helpful and shit but unfortunately i’m still straight_

**_Dan_ ** _: yeah_

**_Rain_ ** _: you know who’s not? you know who probably does know how to do this?_

**_Dan_ ** _: you’re telling me i need to talk to phil right?_

**_Rain_ ** _: not such a twat after all_

 

*

 

It’s late. Dan’s sprawled out on the sofa, long legs stretched out all the way across to the end. Phil is sat on that other end, lap underneath those long legs. It’s the most physical contact Dan has dared allow himself with Phil yet, and he can’t pretend he doesn’t absolutely love it. Phil is holding Dan’s left foot, massaging it absentmindedly as they watch My Neighbor Totoro. Dan’s feeling squarely centred in the safety of his own personal witching hour, cocooned in fatigue, the darkness of the room and distraction of the film in the background setting the perfect scene for him to venture just a little further outside his comfort zone. Not to mention the way the firm pressure of Phil’s fingers wrapped around his foot is confirming just how much he aches for Phil’s hands to squeeze and rub other parts of his body.

 

“Phil?”

 

“Mm?”

 

“Can I ask you something?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“It’s kind of…personal.”

 

“I think we know each other well enough,” Phil smiles.

 

“I was just wondering like… what was it like? The first time you…” he trails off.

 

“My first time with a guy?” Phil asks quietly. Dan nods. “Do you mean like, sexually?”

 

Dan cringes. “Not necessarily. Just like, were you scared? How did you know you were ready?”

 

“I guess I was scared, but probably not for the reason you think.”

 

“Why?”

 

“My first time with a guy was my first time with anyone. Liking guys has always just been a part of who I am, really, since I was old enough to really know what it meant to like someone.”

 

Dan stares at Phil, who still has his eyes on the telly. Although there’s a nearly five year age gap between the two, Dan has never felt it until now. He feels like a little kid listening to Phil imparting his wisdom.

 

“I didn’t know I was ready,” he continues. “Does anyone? Did you?”

 

“I’ve never been with a guy,” Dan whispers.

 

“I mean with a girl. Did you have everything figured out the first time you kissed a girl?”

 

“I guess not, no.”

 

Phil’s hand moves from Dan’s foot to stroke halfway up his calf. He definitely feels his heart stop.

 

“Something on your mind, Dan?” He asks. His voice is low and soft.

 

Dan squeezes his eyes shut, breathes a few deep breaths, tries to ignore the fire in veins. “Was it hard?” He blurts.

 

“Was what hard?” Phil’s hand is wrapped around the base of Dan’s calf now, stroking the skin gently with his thumb.

 

“To tell your parents and your friends and your grandmother and—”

 

“Dan. Are you really worried about that? Is that what you’re thinking about?”

 

Dan nods. “I wish I wasn’t,” he whispers.

 

“You don’t need to. It’s nobody’s business but yours. You don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to. It doesn’t change who you are.”

 

Dan nods. Phil’s right, and miraculously, he’s said the exact thing Dan needed to hear to ease the rising hum of panic that had been building up inside him. He feels a hot tear spill onto his cheek. Before he even has time to process the fact that he’s crying, Phil reaches across Dan’s body and wipes the tear away with his thumb.

 

“Don’t worry, Bear. You’re gonna be ok.”

 

*

 

Dan sleeps in his own bed again that night, but this time, Phil’s there with him, holding him close. Just for now, they put the slow burn of want for each other aside and Phil cradles Dan in his arms, rubs his back, promises him he’s not alone. Dan releases all the fear and anxiety and uncertainty that’s been simmering within him, leaves them in wet stains on Phil’s shirt. He falls asleep feeling new, knowing without a doubt he’s ready for the next chapter.


	16. Chapter 16

Dan wakes up early and slips out of bed quietly, leaving Phil enveloped in the black and white comforter, sleeping soundly. He has to work this morning, the last shift before they travel to the Isle of Man later tonight to meet Phil’s family. He brushes his teeth, showers and gets dressed.

 

He’s just pouring the water from the kettle into his mug when he hears Phil padding sleepily into the kitchen, yawning. Dan doesn’t turn around, just reaches into the cupboard for a second mug.

 

Phil comes up to stand beside him and places his hand gently on the small of Dan’s back. It’s not meant to be flirty or suggestive, just a tender gesture of affection and reassurance after an emotional night. Dan feels a wave of fondness wash over him as he turns his head to look at Phil’s sleep-rumpled hair and bespectacled morning eyes.

 

“Morning,” Phil says softly as he accepts the mug Dan hands him. “You ok?”

 

Dan nods, smiling. He really is. It’s the first time in a long time that he feels settled, peaceful. Something had slotted into place last night, definitively, and he no longer feels the clench of anxiety in his gut. Instead there is a giddy sort of hopefulness, a certainty that when the time is right, something amazing is going to happen.

 

They make toast and take their breakfast out to the balcony as has become an integral part of their morning ritual. Dan never seems to tire of the view from this far up.

 

“You still want to come?” Phil asks softly.

 

“Of course,” Dan enthuses. “I can’t wait to meet the Lesters.”

 

“Ok good,” Phil smiles.

 

“We’re going tonight, right? You never actually told me the plan.”

 

“Sorry, my mum just told me yesterday. I was gonna tell you last night but…”

 

“Right.”

 

“Our flight’s at five.”

 

“Flight?” Dan asks in alarm.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I didn’t buy a ticket, Phil.”

 

“Oh yeah, my parents did, as like, a birthday gift.”

 

“Wow.”

 

“It’s not a big deal,” Phil assures.

 

It is though. It is to Dan. He’d never been poor, but definitely never been nearly as comfortable as Phil’s family appeared to be. He’d travelled with his family to several different countries throughout his life, but they’d always been proper holidays, saved up for and planned well in advance.

 

Dan laughs a little in his own head. It’s all backwards—Dan’s the one with the frustratingly posh accent, but here’s Phil, a Northerner through and through, and he’s so accustomed to having money that he doesn’t really think anything of last minute plane tickets or second homes on the Irish Sea.

 

“And your parents are already there?” He asks.

 

Phil nods. “They like to stay there a lot in the summer.” He takes a long drink of his coffee. “Oh, and bring a jacket, it gets cold on the cliffs.”

 

“The cliffs?” Dan asks incredulously. “Why will I be anywhere near cliffs, Philip?”

 

“Sorry,” he giggles. “My family likes to hike and stuff. I _told_ you I’m a disappointment to them. They’re all athletic and fit, even my brother’s girlfriend, and then there’s me…”

 

“You are not a disappointment, Phil, don’t ever say that,” Dan insists and it comes out even more forcefully than he’d intended. “We can be cold and clumsy and out of breath together.”

 

*

 

Phil picks Dan up after his shift and they take a taxi to the airport. They eat McDonald’s and listen to Dan’s music while they wait to board their flight.

 

Phil lets Dan take the window seat. As they take off he watches the streets and buildings of this beautiful city he’s happy to call home get smaller and smaller until there’s nothing but clouds beneath them.

 

It only takes a minute for Dan to remember just how much the tiny seats on airplanes are not designed for tall, long-legged people such as themselves. Phil’s body presses into Dan’s all along the sides of his arms and legs. So maybe it’s not all bad—it’s a short flight anyway.

 

They’re listening to music again. Twenty minutes into the flight, Dan feels his eyelids grow heavy, the fatigue of the late night and morning shift starting to settle in now that he’s sat so close to Phil, all warmth and softness. He closes his eyes and tilts his head to the side, letting it rest on Phil’s shoulder. It feels a little risky, a little dangerous, though he curses himself for even thinking that. No one is looking at them, no one on this plane gives a toss about two scrawny-looking white boys with their tight jeans and their emo fringes. And it shouldn’t matter even if they did. But he doesn’t think his newfound bravery reaches that far yet.

 

Dan feels Phil’s head tilt to rest against his own and he sighs a tiny sigh of contentment. Radiohead’s House of Cards plays in his ear and he wishes he could stop time and live in this moment forever, bathing in the dreamlike aura of promise that floats in the space all around them.

 

*

 

Phil’s brother Martyn picks them up at the airport. Dan marvels at how he can look exactly like Phil and at the same time completely different. He greets Dan warmly, as if he’s already a part of the family.

 

“Nice to finally meet you mate. Phil never shuts up about you.”

 

Martyn laughs as Phil punches him hard in the arm. Dan smiles, feeling the tell-tale red patch forming on his cheek.

 

Martyn’s girlfriend Cornelia is there too, all smiles and curly red hair. She wraps her arms around Dan’s waist and Dan can’t help but laugh because she’s probably over a foot shorter than he is. She honestly looks like a doll.

 

“It’s really good to meet you Dan. We’ve been watching your videos.” Her voice is lovely with a Northern European-sounding accent that Dan can’t quite place.

 

“Really? Oh god, I’m sorry,” Dan laughs.

 

“Come on lads,” Martyn says. “Kath awaits.”

 

*

 

“Child!”

 

“Hi, mum,” Phil chuckles, accepting his mother’s enthusiastic embrace. Dan can tell immediately that tea with Phil’s family is going to be starkly different than with his own.

 

“And this is Dan, nice to meet you love.” She pulls him in for a hug, too.

 

“Nice to meet you Mrs. Lester.”

 

“Oh God, call me Kath, please, or Kathryn if you must.” Dan laughs. This is definitely Phil’s mum.

 

Phil introduces Dan to his father and then brings their bags to his bedroom. They sit down to eat right away as Kath has fish and chips waiting for them.

 

“How very British,” Dan jokes.

 

“This is like the food of my childhood,” Phil says.

 

“That’s not my fault, Philip Michael Lester,” she says defensively. “You refused to eat anything besides fish and chips and peas no matter how hard we tried.”

 

“And now he just eats cereal,” Dan laughs.

 

“Oi!” Phil protests. “That is not true.”

 

“You’re right,” Dan agrees. “I should have said unless _I’m_ cooking, he just eats cereal.”

 

Phil giggles. “Alright, I guess that’s true.”

 

Dan sees Kathryn and Martyn shoot each other a knowing look.

 

“So Dan,” Phil’s father says then, “You’re going to school at Manchester, are you?”

 

Dan feels his gut twist a little. He honestly hadn’t thought about uni in a while. He liked it better that way.

 

“Yeah,” he says, trying to sound at least passably enthusiastic.

 

“What are you studying?”

 

“Law.” The word tastes like vinegar in his mouth.

 

“Ah, a bit more practical than Phil’s major, then.”

 

Phil rolls his eyes. “Thanks, dad.”

 

“Anyway,” Martyn cuts in, “Phil’s actually putting that postproduction degree to good use now, aren’t you little brother?”

 

“Oh, yes, the videos,” Kathryn says excitedly.

 

“You’re watching them too, mum?” Phil asks, surprised.

 

“Of course, love. Martyn showed me.”

 

Phil shoots Martyn a look, but it’s harmless. He’s smiling a few seconds later when his mum says, “You’re both very talented young men.”

 

Dan chokes on a chip. “You’ve watched mine too?” He’s horrified. The few videos he’s put up haven’t exactly been as family friendly as Phil’s.

 

“Of course,” she replies simply.

 

“It’s an interesting hobby,” Phil’s father says.

 

Phil looks over at Dan with an apologetic look on his face. Dan gives him a quick smile. Maybe their dads are a little alike after all.

 

“So Dan,” Kathryn says. “It’s your birthday on Sunday, yeah?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“How old?”

 

“I’m turning twenty.”

 

“Twenty! My god, you’re a baby!”

 

“Mum!” Phil exclaims, covering his eyes with his hand.

 

“Sorry, love,” she says to Dan. “I’d have thought you were older, but I suppose you do look quite young still.”

 

“I know,” Dan says, allowing himself to shake off his nerves and engage a little more in the Lester family banter. “I’m still waiting for puberty to kick in.”

 

After they eat, Dan thinks they’ll all separate to do their own thing, but Kathryn brings out two bottles of red wine and Monopoly.

 

*

 

Three hours later they’re all red-faced and giggling, and Dan has thrown more than one hotel in Phil’s general direction.

 

“I don’t know if you know this about Phil yet,” Martyn tells Dan, “but he will not let us leave here until someone wins.”

 

It’s true. They play for another hour before Phil is finally crowned victorious.

 

“Ok! I’m off to bed,” Kathryn announces.

 

“Us too, finally,” Martyn says, pushing Phil’s shoulder playfully.

 

“Dan, you can take Phil’s room alright, love? He can sleep on the sofa.”

 

“Thanks, Kath,” Dan says easily. All the wine and the warmth of this family have made it easy for Dan to feel comfortable here. Happy. He’s never been so happy to spend four hours playing a board game.

 

Once everyone has gone, Phil turns to Dan and says, “I’ll just show you where the room is and grab my stuff.”

 

Dan follows Phil upstairs and suddenly his heart is pounding. When they get to the room, Dan says, “Are you tired?”

 

“A bit,” Phil admits. “You?”

 

“I guess, yeah.”

 

“I’m kind of drunk,” Phil says, flopping onto the bed.

 

“Me too. Also I can’t wear these jeans a second longer so I’m taking them off now, ok?”

 

Phil turns onto his side, propping himself up on his elbow and resting his head in his hand. “Go on then.”

 

“Fuck off, close your eyes you spork.”

 

“Fine,” Phil sighs, but he closes his eyes.

 

Dan looks down as he fumbles drunkenly with his belt buckle. His fingers are heavy and clumsy and it takes him a while to get his fly unzipped. He shimmies the tight fabric down over his thighs and looks up.

 

Phil is staring at him, biting his lip.

 

Dan thinks about telling him to fuck off again, but he feels heat spreading down his chest and his mind clouds over with how fucking hot Phil looks with his hungry eyes raking up and down Dan’s body. The buzz from all that wine is making Dan brave. He keeps his eyes locked onto Phil’s as he kicks his jeans off and curls his fingers under the hem of his shirt. “Should I?” he whispers, surprising himself with the deep huskiness in his voice as he teases his shirt a few inches up his stomach.

 

Phil nods. Dan pulls off his shirt and tosses it aside. It’s nothing Phil hasn’t seen before, but he stands there for a minute in his pants and just lets Phil look.

 

“I’m going to bed now Phil. Are you sleeping with me tonight?”

 

Phil looks taken aback. “Do you want me to?”

 

“Fuck yes.”

 

Phil closes his eyes and Dan sees his hands curl up into fists. “Ok,” he whispers.

 

“Take off your jeans, Phil,” Dan croaks. He’s honestly never heard his own voice this deep.

 

Phil gets up on his knees and fumbles with his belt and fly just as Dan had. Dan can feel heat on every inch of his skin as he watches Phil pull his jeans off. He yanks his shirt off over his head and there’s that chest again. That hair. Dan bites his lip. Phil looks like a man through and through, and Dan still can’t believe that _that’s_ what’s driving him mad right now—Phil’s masculine chest hair and broad shoulders and the shape of him visible from under his boxers. “Turn off the light,” he whispers.

 

Dan turns the light off with a shaky hand and stumbles his way over to the bed. It’s pitch black. He climbs under the covers and hears Phil do the same. They lie there for a minute, listening to each other breathing just a little heavier than normal. They don’t touch each other but they are close enough that Dan can sense Phil’s warmth.

 

Then Dan can’t stop himself anymore—he reaches his hand out blindly and makes contact with Phil’s skin. He runs his hand down a little and it turns out to be Phil’s forearm. He keeps moving his hand down until it reaches Phil’s hand and he slides his own fingers between Phil’s and squeezes.

 

“Dan?”

 

“Yeah?” They’re both whispering, so faintly they can barely even hear themselves.

 

“Is this ok?”

 

“What d’you mean?”

 

“I mean… I’m drunk, and you’re drunk, and last night…”

 

Dan squeezes Phil’s hand again.

 

“I don’t want you to feel… pressured. Because…” Phil trails off.

 

“Yeah?” Dan prompts.

 

“I want to do this right.”

 

Dan sucks in a breath. His hands are trembling.

 

“I want you to be ready,” Phil says. “I want you to be sure.”

 

Dan doesn’t say anything. He’s feeling a little shaky now. He wants to tell Phil that he’s ready, he’s sure, he’s wanted this, desperately, for weeks. He wants to capitalize on the liquid courage flowing through his veins and crash their bodies together in the dark.

 

But then, does he? Does he want it like that? Fuzzy and fumbled and shrouded in the black of night?

 

“I want to be able to see you the first time you kiss me,” Phil whispers and Dan shudders. He’s right. He doesn’t want a late-night drunken hook up.

 

“Me too,” Dan replies softly.

 

“Turn around,” Phil says and Dan does. He wraps his arm around Dan’s waist and pulls him closer until their bodies are slotted together perfectly and Dan can feel Phil’s warmth all over.

 

“Goodnight, Dan,” Phil whispers. Dan feels Phil kiss his neck so lightly he can’t be sure it was even real.

 

He falls asleep with his fingers laced between Phil’s and a promise to himself that this will be the last night they spend not knowing the taste of each other’s lips.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoops hope yall are ready for this

“Phil, Phil, wake up,” Dan whispers, shaking the sleeping man’s shoulder lightly. He’s woken up early, realizing with a slight panic that he’s in Phil’s parents’ house and maybe he shouldn’t be in bed with their son when they’d told Phil to sleep on the sofa.

 

“Wha?” Phil blinks his eyes open in confusion. “What is it?”

 

“Should you sneak out?” Dan asks. “You were supposed to sleep on the sofa.”

 

“Oh,” Phil says, his face falling. “Ok Dan.” He moves to sit up. He sounds so sad that Dan immediately reaches out and grabs his hand.

 

“What?” Dan asks.

 

“No, it’s fine. You’re not… you’re not ready, that’s fi—”

 

“That’s not it,” Dan insists. “I just don’t want Kath to get mad at me.”

 

Phil laughs. “Why would she?”

 

“I don’t want her to think I’m like, corrupting your innocence or something,” Dan says sheepishly. He’s still holding Phil’s hand.

 

Phil cocks his eyebrow. “I think if anything she’d assume the other way ‘round.”

 

“I could seduce you if I wanted to!” Dan protests.

 

“Do you want to?” Phil asks, smirking. “Because I’m not gonna lie, I’m pretty ready for it.”

 

Dan swallows thickly. He knows they’re just banting, but it doesn’t stop his stomach from flipping over. “I mean, I did strip for you last night, Phil. What more do you want from me?” His voice is low.

 

Phil throws his arm over his eyes. “God, Dan.” He squeezes Dan’s hand. “Don’t.”

 

Dan giggles. “Sorry, sorry. So… you don’t think your mum will be weird?”

 

“Dan, I’m twenty four years old. I’m a big boy. I’m allowed to have a boy in my bed if I want to.”

 

“Um, don’t you mean man?” Dan says with mock indignation.

 

Phil moves his eyes slowly down Dan’s naked chest and back up to his eyes. “Boy, definitely.”

 

“Shut up,” Dan shouts, smiling.

 

Phil claps his hand over Dan’s mouth.

 

“Sorry,” Dan mumbles through Phil’s fingers. Phil removes his hand and Dan says, “Can I just ask you one thing?”

 

Phil nods.

 

“Your family, do they know…?”

 

“That I slept in here with you? I mean, they probably do now,” Phil laughs.

 

“No, I mean, do they know that…”

 

“Dan it’s ok, you can say it.”

 

Dan sighs. “Yeah, I know, I know, I’m sorry. But like, what do you call it? What do you call… yourself?”

 

“I think you can call me Phil,” he chuckles.

 

“You know what I mean Phil, don’t make me look like an asshole here.”

 

“I’m sorry Dan, I just can’t help it. You look cute when you’re flustered.” Phil reaches out and strokes Dan’s cheek just above the jaw. “You get a little rosy patch right here. Adorable.”

 

Dan can’t think of anything to say then, so he stares into Phil’s big blue eyes and feels himself fall just a little bit deeper.

 

“I don’t call myself anything,” Phil says softly. “I just like who I like and my family knows that.”

 

Dan nods. He really likes the sound of that.

 

*

 

“I hope you boys brought your coats,” Kathryn says cheerfully as she places a plate of bacon, eggs and toast in front of Dan. “It gets pretty windy on the cliffs, doesn’t it, Phil?”

 

“Yes, which is why I don’t understand why you have to drag us out there every single time,” Phil replies.

 

“Oh hush, it’s part of the experience.”

 

“Of what? Suffering?”

 

“Yes, Philip, I just love to watch you suffer,” she says, pinching his cheek.

 

Dan can’t help but smile. Kath is what you picture when you hear the word ‘mum.’

 

“It’s ok Phil,” he says, shoving a forkful of eggs in his mouth, “We could use the exercise.”

 

“Speak for yourself,” Phil replies. “I’m well fit.”

 

Dan snorts. “The only exercise you get is walking to the shops to get food.”

 

“That counts!”

 

*

 

Kath was right—it’s cold. The wind whips through Dan’s hair, cuts through his thin jacket. He can barely hear anything over the sound of the waves crashing against the jagged cliffs beneath them. He’s frozen and his legs and feet are sore from climbing the steep hills of this rocky island.

 

It’s too loud for conversation. They all walk huddled into themselves, hands shoved deep into pockets and shoulders shrugged up to preserve any hint of body heat. When they reach the top off the cliff, everyone seems to drift off in their pairs until all Dan can see of the rest of the group is Cornelia’s fiery curls in the distance. He doesn’t know where Kath and Nigel are anymore, but he can see Phil just a little way ahead.

 

He tastes the salt on his tongue, smells the brine in the biting cold wind as it stings his cheeks and whistles in his ears—his every sense is overwhelmed by the wind and the sea and still all that’s in focus is Phil: tall and pale and devastatingly beautiful standing near the mossy edge of the cliff.

 

Dan walks over and stands close beside him, pressing his shoulder into Phil’s. They look out at the blue waves and the grey sky and Dan feels warmth in the palm of his hand as Phil slides his fingers between Dan’s and squeezes. Dan turns his head to look at the man stood next to him.

 

He could do it right now, right here in this breathtaking place, on a rocky ledge overlooking the ocean he could take Phil’s face in his hands and kiss him. He wants to, badly. Phil’s lips are full and pink and inviting, his fingers warm and astonishingly soft intertwined with Dan’s.

 

The heavy clouds that hang over them are grey and dark but Dan can see Phil and Phil can see Dan. ‘I want to be able to see you the first time you kiss me,’ Dan hears Phil's words from last night replay in his mind.

 

But the wind is loud and blowing viciously and Phil’s long black fringe keeps falling over his eyes and even their hands are starting to turn red from the cold. Dan doesn’t want it like this either—distracted by hair in his face and the roaring squall in his ears. He wants to be able to hear Phil’s sigh of pleasure and feel the warmth of his skin the first time their lips meet. He has a feeling he’s going to want to remember that moment for the rest of his life. Just like Phil, he wants to do it right.

 

*

 

They sit next to each other in the back of the car afterwards, pressed up against each other, trying to warm up. It seems to Dan that Phil’s stoicism is beginning to crack a little as he slips his hand into Dan’s once again.

 

They go out for dinner and both politely decline the glasses of wine offered to them. Martyn gives Phil a questioning look and Phil just smiles, his cheeks turning pink. Dan kicks Phil’s foot gently and Phil reciprocates and they’re playing footsie under the table like a couple of giddy teenagers. Then again, Dan is still a teenager, technically—just for the rest of the night. The lights in the restaurant are dim and there are candles on the table and Dan feels so warm now that he’s out of the wind, but he can still see the crashing of the waves when he closes his eyes. He’s so absurdly content, sat amongst these people who are already more family than strangers, that he ends up feeling drunk anyway.

 

Kathryn insists on family game night when they return to the house. They agree on charades. Dan wouldn’t have thought it possible for a real-life family to be so quintessentially tight-knit and wholesome, but the Lesters really are, and they’re already treating him like one of their own.

 

They take their games very seriously, though, which Dan can appreciate. They play for hours and Phil’s family grows more and more competitive and frustrated as time goes on—turns out he and Phil are virtually unbeatable, the weeks of constant togetherness and sharing of all things pop culture have forged some sort of psychic connection between them.

 

“You’re cheating!” Martyn shouts light-heartedly at one point.

 

“No we’re not! We’re just cleverer than you!” Phil shouts back. Cornelia is laughing so hard that no noise escapes her mouth and tears leak from her eyes.

 

Dan grins. He thinks he could watch Phil and Martyn bicker and tease each other all day. It’s the exact kind of relationship he’d never had with his own brother. He wants to be envious, annoyed at their closeness, but all he feels is happy—happy that he gets to be a part of this now too. He’ll always love his own family, he just doesn’t _like_ them the way the Lesters clearly like each other.

 

“I give up,” Martyn says, pouting.

 

“Yes!” Phil gloats, raising his fisted hands into the air in victory.

 

“You boys make a good team,” Kathryn says, smiling fondly.

 

“We do,” Phil says quietly, looking over at Dan.

 

“Should we play a different game?” She asks.

 

Dan is about to agree when Phil says, “No. We’re going to bed now.”

 

Dan’s stomach flips. He looks at Phil, who’s already looking at him, then over to Kathryn. She looks a little surprised to be sure, but nothing compared to how Dan _feels_ , his heart suddenly pounding. Next he looks at Martyn, who just smirks at Phil before getting up and saying, “Us too.”

 

“Alright, goodnight my children. See you in the morning. Oh, Dan! Next time we see you, you’ll be a year older.” She pulls him in for a hug and he feels a little tickle of emotion in his throat. Spending his birthday weekend with the Lesters is turning out to be one of the best decisions he’s made in a while.

 

The hammering in his chest slows—everything is ok. Phil’s whole family knows that Dan is going to spend the night in Phil’s bed and the sky hasn’t fallen. Kathryn still gives him a hug and calls him ‘love’ and tells him she’s going to stuff him with so much cake tomorrow that he’ll have to be rolled home. At least here, in this moment with these people, he doesn’t have anything to worry about. He wishes this wasn’t a thought that even crossed his mind, but he can worry about that later. Right now all he has to think about is Phil and how good he looks in his tight red babycakes tshirt.

 

“Night, mum.”

 

They go to the toilet and brush their teeth together, giving each other nervous foamy smiles. Dan makes Phil leave once they’re done—he needs a minute, just one minute to breathe deeply and remind himself that there has never been less cause for anxiety or uncertainty than this night. Phil is the best man he’s ever known—the best person. Dan’s life had been near unliveable only a few months ago and now he wakes up every morning excited for what the day will bring—for what his days with Phil will bring.

 

He steps inside Phil’s room and shuts the door. Phil is sat criss-cross on the bed in star wars pyjama bottoms and the same red shirt.

 

“That’s a really good look for you, mate.”

 

“Shut up, you love it.”

 

Dan is leaning against the door. His pep talk apparently hadn’t worked because his hands are trembling a little. He knows what he wants but he’s scared and no amount of logic or reason is going to stop his heartbeat from racing.

 

“You alright?” Phil asks softly.

 

Dan nods but doesn’t move away from the door.

 

“C’mere,” Phil says, patting the space next to him. Dan starts moving towards the bed slowly. “Take off your jeans?”

 

“Is that a question?” Dan laughs a little.

 

“I’m trying to be a gentleman here and leave that up to you,” Phil replies.

 

Dan bites his lip. Somehow Phil always seems to know exactly what to say to erase the nerves gnawing on Dan’s insides.

 

“I’ll take mine off after you take yours off,” Dan says, resting his hand on his belt buckle.

 

Dan is surprised how quickly Phil manages to pull his pjs off.

 

“No fair, I proper stripped for you last night,” Dan whines.

 

“Wanna do it again?” Phil’s voice has dropped an octave and if Dan was nervous a moment ago, he sure as hell isn’t now.

 

“Maybe I want you to do it for me?” He panics a little at the last minute and it comes out as a question.

 

“Is that a question?” Phil says, repeating what Dan had said only a minute ago.

 

“No. I want you to do it for me, Phil.”

 

“Come here,” Phil croaks. He scoots to the edge of the bed and Dan moves forward until he’s stood right in front of Phil. Phil looks up into Dan’s eyes as he slowly unbuckles his belt and unzips his fly. Dan bites his lip again. “Is this too much?” Phil whispers.

 

“I dunno,” Dan replies truthfully.

 

“Take these off and get in here with me, k?” Phil says softly. “We can just talk.”

 

Dan yanks his jeans off as Phil climbs under the blanket. “Should I turn the light off?” Dan asks.

 

“That’s up to you, Dan. I still feel the same as I did last night.”

 

Dan climbs into bed. He doesn’t turn off the light. He lays his head on the pillow and shuffles closer to Phil, until their faces are just far enough away not to be touching noses.

 

“So do I, Phil.”

 

“It’s ok if you don’t, if you’re not read—”

 

Dan shuts him up by pressing a finger against Phil’s lips. God, even his lips are ludicrously soft. He pulls his finger down slowly, parting Phil’s lips a little, feeling the warmth breath he breathes out shakily.

 

“Keep your eyes open, Phil,” Dan whispers. “I’m gonna kiss you now.”

 

He stretches his neck out to close the tiny space between them and presses his lips softly to Phil’s. He only lingers a moment before pulling away and looking into Phil’s eyes. Phil reaches out and pulls Dan closer so their bodies are pressed together tightly. He moves his hand up to Dan’s face and brushes the fringe out of his eyes. “Are you still scared?” He whispers.

 

Dan snakes his hand underneath Phil’s shirt and grips the bare skin of his waist. “No.”

 

This time it’s Phil who leans in, catching Dan’s bottom lip between his and sucking just a little. Dan’s stomach swoops, his grip on Phil tightening. Phil pulls his mouth back just a little and when he moves it forward again Dan can feel his tongue ever so faintly against his bottom lip. Dan parts his lips in invitation and Phil kisses him deeper. Dan feels Phil’s tongue against his and it sets something off in him. All of a sudden he’s moving his hands up to grip the sides of Phil’s face and kissing him back hard. His teeth catch Phil’s fat bottom lip and bite a little more than gently. Phil moans then, and any remaining hesitation Dan had been hanging onto is gone. He flips Phil onto his back and climbs into his lap, straddling his hips and hooking his hands under the hem of his shirt.

 

“This ok?” He pants.

 

“Fuck, yes,” Phil growls and Dan thinks for a split second that he actually might come right then and there, completely untouched. He’s never heard Phil swear properly before and it’s without a doubt the hottest thing he’s ever heard. He pulls Phil’s shirt up and over his head and tosses it behind him.

 

He sits back on Phil’s lap and he can feel everything, the hard line underneath him, pressing up into his own. Phil grabs Dan’s shirt then and says, “Off.”

 

Dan yanks it off his head roughly and tosses it away. Phil runs his hands up Dan’s chest. “God, you’re so beautiful, Dan. C’mere.”

 

Dan leans down and feels the heat of Phil’s chest on his, the soft skin and that hair. Their mouths open to each other over and over and Dan loses all sense of time. All he knows is the feel of Phil’s tongue against his and Phil’s hands gripping his hips possessively and the sounds, god, the sounds. He’d never thought that of all things, the sounds Phil makes would be the hottest.

 

That is, until Phil suddenly flips Dan over and pins him down into the bed with the weight of his body. Dan wraps his arms around Phil’s neck and pulls, but Phil dodges Dan’s mouth and instead moves down to kiss his neck right below the jaw. Dan gasps. “Fuck, Phil.”

 

Phil smiles against Dan’s neck and gives it a gentle bite. “I knew you’d like that.”

 

“More, please,” Dan begs.

 

Phil latches on then, gently sucking marks all the way down to Dan’s collarbone. He ghosts hot breath over Dan’s wet skin and Dan feels goosebumps form all up and down his arms. “God,” he breathes. His hands are grabbing at the back of Phil’s shoulder blades, his nails digging into the skin so hard he’s sure Phil will complain about it tomorrow. Phil moves his mouth up to Dan’s ear, breathing hot into it and biting around the black stud in the middle of the lobe.

 

Dan’s hand moves up into the hair at the back of Phil’s head and tugs rather firmly when Phil gives his neck another graze. It’s Phil’s turn to gasp.

 

“Shit, sorry,” Dan mumbles.

 

“Don’t be,” Phil says, his voice husky and so deep against Dan’s neck. He pulls his head back. “But maybe we should stop?”

 

“Is that a question?”

 

Phil closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “I think we should stop.”

 

“What if I don’t want to?” Dan asks.

 

Phil sighs. “It has nothing to do with _want_ Dan. I don’t think you’re ready to hear what I want to do to you right now.”

 

It’s so hot and dirty and unexpected that Dan feels his cock twitch. “Fuck.” He closes his eyes. “I don’t want to stop.”

 

“I don’t either. But I don’t want your first time with me to be anything other than perfect.”

 

Dan smiles. ‘First time’ implies that there will be other times, and the thought makes warmth spread through him. “This is perfect,” he whispers.

 

Phil shakes his head a little. “This is hot. This is really hot, but it’s sudden. I don’t want you to do anything you’re not ready for in the heat of the moment, or whatever.”

 

“Why don’t you think I’m ready?” Dan asks.

 

“Maybe you are,” Phil says slowly. “But I want to be sure. I told you, I want to do this right. And I can’t do what I want until I know you want it too.”

 

“I do, though,” Dan insists.

 

Phil leans down and gives Dan the softest kiss on his bottom lip. “Dan. You don’t yet. You don’t know. But we’re going to figure it out together,” he kisses Dan’s chin. “We’re going to practice,” he moves down and kisses the dip between Dan’s collarbones. “A lot,” he moves over and catches Dan’s nipple between his teeth. Dan sucks in a breath and slides his fingers into Phil’s hair.

 

“You better stop teasing me then, Phil,” he moans.

 

Phil sighs and rolls over to lie beside Dan. “Wow,” he breathes. “I was not expecting that.”

 

“Me neither,” Dan whispers.

 

“Are you ok with it?”

 

“Yes, Phil. You really don’t have to keep asking me that,” he smiles and puts his hand on Phil’s hip. “I’m very fucking ok with it.”

 

Phil turns over then and reaches for his phone.

 

“Hey Dan?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Happy birthday.”

 

Dan laughs. “Thanks.”

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t actually get you anything.”

 

“Yes you did,” Dan says, nuzzling his head into Phil’s chest. “You’ve given me everything.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoops, had to change the rating, sorry i couldn't resist. i'll probably be writing a good chunk of sexy fluffy times now so i'm sorry if that's not your thing, but this is the pay off for all the waiting! hope you enjoy ;)

It’s not the first time Dan wakes up in bed next to Phil, but it’s the first time he doesn’t have even a fleeting moment of panic about it. He nuzzles his face into Phil’s neck and sighs. Phil’s arm comes up to wrap around Dan’s shoulders.

 

“Morning,” Phil smiles.

 

“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you,” Dan mumbles against the soft skin of Phil’s neck.

 

“I’m glad you did.”

 

Dan brings his hand up and cups the back of Phil’s head, sliding his fingers up into the silky black hair. He’s warm all over and still hazy from sleep—everything feels dreamlike as he parts his lips and kisses wetly at the spot under Phil’s ear. He latches on and sucks harder when he hears a long sigh escape Phil’s lips.

 

“I guess I don’t have to ask you how you feel after last night,” Phil smiles.

 

Dan bites Phil’s earlobe and whispers, “Why would you?”

 

“I know this is… God, Dan,” he moans when Dan licks into his ear. “This is all new for you.”

 

Dan, seeing how much it seems to turn Phil on, breathes hot breath in his ear and delights when he feels Phil squirm. “Fuck, Dan, god that feels good,” Phil curses and Dan’s stomach lurches.

 

Phil grips Dan’s shoulder then and pulls him off his neck. Dan whines.

 

“You’re gonna have to stop that now,” Phil says, but he rolls over on top of Dan.

 

“Why?” Dan chokes out, momentarily stunned by the feeling of Phil’s weight pressing him down into the bed.

 

“Because I can only stop myself for so long.”

 

Dan feels his stomach flip with arousal and he throws his hands around Phil’s neck, pulling him down. “Good,” he replies. “I don’t want you to stop.”

 

Phil lets Dan pull him down and bring their mouths together. They kiss deep and slow and just a little wet and somehow it feels even more intimate than last night. The taste of Phil is overwhelming and so lovely and Dan wonders why he’d ever allowed himself to question the feelings this man evokes in him. He realizes then that nothing that feels this good should ever give him another moment of fear or hesitation. He slides his fingers into Phil’s hair and tugs gently. Phil moans low in his throat and thrusts his hips forward a little.

 

They’re both wearing nothing but pants and Dan can feel everything, every inch of Phil pressing against his crotch.

 

“Shit, sorry,” Phil says and he’s pulling away, leaning back and sitting on his heels, biting down on the fist he brings to his mouth.

 

Dan props himself up on his elbows. “Phil, you have nothing to be sorry for. Will you stop treating me like I’m gonna break?”

 

“It’s not that.”

 

“Then what is it?” He’s trying to stay calm, but honestly he feels a little frustrated. Isn’t he the one who’s supposed to be an anxious mess in this situation?

 

“I’m scared,” Phil whispers.

 

“What? Why?”

 

Phil shakes his head a little. He crawls forward and lays his head on the pillow again, pulling Dan down to lie beside him.

 

“I like you, like a lot,” Phil says, looking down, avoiding Dan’s eyes.

 

Dan can’t help but laugh. “I think we’ve established that we like each other, you spoon.”

 

Phil looks mortified. “I just… you’re so hot, Dan, and funny… you could have anyone you wanted…”

 

Dan is stunned.

 

“I liked you right away,” Phil continues. “And I flirted with you a lot, but… I never actually expected you to start flirting back.”

 

“But I did.”

 

“Yeah,” Phil smiles a little. “You did.”

 

“And now I’m practically naked in your bed begging you not to stop yourself.”

 

Phil’s smile disappears, replaced with a look of intensity, desire mixed with something else, something pained. “But… just… are you sure?” He’s whispering again.

 

Instead of answering, Dan leans in and kisses him, hard. He grips Phil’s face on either side and licks into his mouth. “I’m fucking sure,” he growls. “I’ve been wanking to the thought of you ever since the night I went back home.”

 

Phil smiles against Dan’s mouth. “Really?”

 

Dan nods.

 

“I’ve been wanking to the thought of you for… quite a while,” Phil admits, laughing nervously.

 

“My… uncertainty… has never been about what I feel for you, Phil,” Dan admits, and it’s so honest that he feels the instinct to get up and leave. But he’s not going to. He’s been doing that his whole life, and it’s never gotten him what he wanted. He wants Phil too much to fuck it up now just because he feels painfully vulnerable. “I knew it was there, I was just… scared.”

 

This time it’s Phil who leans in for a kiss, catching Dan’s bottom lip between his own. “Ok,” he says softly. “So maybe we can both agree to just accept what’s happening here?”

 

Dan nods again.

 

“Oh crap,” Phil says then, running a finger down Dan’s neck.

 

“What?”

 

“Your neck is covered in hickeys.”

 

“Oh, shit.”

 

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Phil says, leaning in and kissing his collarbone.

 

Dan moans a little and says, “Should I give you some to match?”

He’s just about to touch his lips to Phil’s neck when a sudden knock on the door makes them both jump.

 

“Hey lovebirds, mum says you have to get up now!” Martyn shouts.

 

*

 

Dan looks out the plane window as they take off, and the view is even more breathtaking than it’d been leaving Manchester, all ocean and cliffs and rocky greenness. Phil had graciously given Dan the window seat again, “as a birthday present,” he’d said.

 

It’s late afternoon and they’re both still stuffed so full of cake they feel a bit queasy as the airplane ascends into the clouds. Dan opens and closes his mouth, popping his ears as he acclimatizes to the pressure change.

 

He smiles as he recalls the birthday brunch Kathryn had made him, the table piled high with every breakfast food imaginable, followed by a massive red velvet cake that both he and Phil had eaten way too much of. It’d been nice to eat real food again, especially since they hadn’t been the ones to have to prepare it.

 

She’d noticed the mouth-shaped marks on his neck the instant he’d entered the kitchen, a giant billboard advertising his activities with her son the night before. She’d just clicked her tongue and said, “Philip Lester,” in playful reproach. Phil had blushed and shrugged and Dan wondered if he’d ever felt happier in his life.

 

And now they’re on their way home. They’re crammed into their tiny seats and sharing Dan’s earbuds again. Halfway through the flight Phil links their pinkies together and Dan melts inside. He doesn’t look around to see if anyone is looking, just looks over at Phil and smiles.

 

*

 

When they get home, Phil announces he needs a shower immediately as they hadn’t had time after their morning makeout session and subsequent breakfast and cake feast. Dan wants to be brave and ask if he can join, but balks at the last minute and promises to make coffee while Phil gets clean.

 

Phil enters the kitchen just as Dan is pouring the water into the mugs. He comes up behind Dan and wraps his arms around his waist. Dan sighs and leans his head back onto Phil’s shoulder.

 

“Hi,” Phil whispers into Dan’s ear, sending a shiver down his spine.

 

Dan tilts his head to the side, giving Phil better access. Phil takes the hint and gives the sensitive skin there a gentle bite, dragging his teeth lightly. Dan’s chest heaves as Phil kisses wetly up to his ear and sucks on the stud. “I love these by the way,” he whispers low and hot against the metal.

 

Then Phil moves a hand down to Dan’s belt buckle. “Can I?”

 

Dan swallows thickly and nods. Phil pulls the belt from the buckle slowly—agonizingly slowly. Dan’s skin is on fire as Phil undoes the button and drags the zipper of his fly down so deliberately Dan thinks he might scream. Phil licks into Dan’s ear as he tugs Dan’s jeans, just enough to get them down over his ass. Phil brings his hands back up then and slips them under Dan’s shirt, running his fingers along Dan’s stomach, all the while placing wet kisses up and down Dan’s neck.

 

“Are you ok, Dan? Is this ok?” His voice is so deep and husky in Dan’s ear that it sounds like dirty talk.

 

“Yes, fuck. Don’t stop,” Dan pants, one hand reaching up to wrap around the back of Phil’s neck, the other gripping Phil’s forearm. Phil moves a hand down lower, stroking the skin between Dan’s hipbones, skimming his fingers just underneath the waistband of his Calvin Klein pants.

 

“Please, Phil,” Dan whines, twisting his head round and catching Phil’s lip with his teeth.

 

Dan groans as finally, finally, Phil slides his hand down, slipping under the pants and rubbing against Dan’s dick.

 

“You’re hard,” Phil moans into Dan’s mouth.

 

“You’re surprised?” Dan pants.

 

Phil doesn’t answer, just moves his mouth down to bite the flesh between Dan’s shoulder and collarbone. He grips Dan’s length firmly and starts dragging his fist up slowly, always so goddamn slowly, driving Dan mad with lust, sending tingles all down his legs and warmth up into the pit of his stomach. It shouldn’t feel this good this fast, he thinks. It never has before.

 

Phil continues to pull on Dan’s cock in deliciously unhurried, deliberate strokes, twisting over the head and making Dan curse. Phil’s other hand is resting low on Dan’s stomach, fingers splayed and pushing Dan back a little so he can feel Phil’s own arousal pressing into his ass cheek.

 

Dan starts to feel the tell-tale coil of heat low in his gut, and he knows he needs to distract himself if he stands any chance of avoiding the embarrassment of coming way too fucking quickly. Phil gives a slow, gentle thrust into Dan’s ass and he feels sparks of pleasure where he’d never felt any before. Dan can’t help it, he reaches his hand back, slotting it in between their bodies and cupping Phil through his pjs.

 

Phil groans and slides the hand on Dan’s stomach up, up his chest to wrap around Dan’s throat tenderly, exerting no pressure but for the faint touch of his fingertips on Dan’s sensitive skin. Dan feels his heart stop, feels fire burn all the way up his chest. Phil continues to squeeze, to stroke up and down slowly, as he brings his lips to Dan’s ear and whispers, “Not yet. Want to focus on you.”

 

Dan shudders, tightening his grip on the back of Phil’s neck, pushing Phil’s lips harder against his ear. He’d not known before tonight how much Phil’s hot breath and wet tongue in his ear would drive him mad. He digs his nails into the flesh of Phil’s neck, desperate for a tiny bit of relief from the hot pressure building up inside him, threatening to spill out all over Phil’s hand. “Getting too close,” he croaks, barely able to form the words for how turned on he is at the feeling of Phil’s big delicate hand wrapped loosely around his throat.

 

“That’s good,” Phil moans, low and deep from the back of his throat. “I want you to come for me.”

 

For all the times in the past week Dan had fantasized about moments similar to this, he’d never expected Phil to be so earth-shatteringly good at making Dan’s legs shake and his cock leak. The hand on his throat, the teeth against his neck, the dirty words breathed hot in his ear are so unexpected and so incredibly sinful that he can’t help but pant, “don’t wanna… come… it’s too… soon.”

 

Phil doesn’t respond, just moves his hand further up Dan’s throat and over his chin, pulling Dan’s lips apart and sliding a finger into his mouth. Dan’s stomach flips and he closes his lips around Phil’s finger and sucks, biting down a little and swirling his tongue. “God I love your mouth, Dan. Wanna feel that pretty mouth on me someday.”

 

Apparently dirty talk is the last straw for whatever remains of Dan’s self control, because he moans loudly around Phil’s finger then and comes hard, pleasure jolting through his body, toes curling. Phil keeps working him through it until every muscle in his body relaxes and he slumps back into Phil’s chest.

 

“Fuck.”

 

Phil puts his hands on Dan’s waist and turns him around gently, cupping his face and kissing him warmly. Dan feels the wetness of his orgasm on Phil’s hand as it rubs onto his cheek, but he’s too blissed out to care. He kisses Phil deeply, wetly, sinking himself further and further into Phil’s mouth every time.

 

Eventually, the fog starts to clear from his brain and it dawns on him that Phil is probably very much in need of relief still. Dan reaches down and cups Phil over his jeans, feeling the hardness straining against his fly.

 

“You don’t have to, Dan.”

 

Dan looks into Phil’s eyes. “I want to. I really want to. I have for a long time.”

 

Phil smiles and takes Dan’s hand in his. “Bed?”

 

Dan nods.

 

They strip off their clothes and climb into Phil’s bed. Phil kisses Dan’s neck and Dan runs his fingers all over Phil’s body, up his arms, across his chest, down his stomach until he reaches the hardness between Phil’s legs and wraps his hand around. Nerves flutter in his chest and his hands are a little shaky. He giggles into Phil’s hair and strokes stutteringly, timidly until Phil moans against Dan’s neck and thrusts into his hand and Dan’s nerves are chased away by a fresh wave of arousal that courses through him. He moves his hand with more confidence, rubbing over the head with his thumb on every upstroke, desperately chasing the agonizingly sexy sighs and moans that escape from Phil’s lips.

 

“I’m gonna get hard again if you keeping making sounds like that,” Dan groans.

 

Phil bites around the stud in Dan’s ear and growls, “Good. There’s something else I wanna do to you tonight.”

 

It only takes another minute for Dan to bring Phil off, and he comes shuddering and spilling over his fist with his teeth biting down hard into his bottom lip.

 

Once he’s come down and his chest has stopped heaving, Phil rolls on top of Dan, spreading his legs to straddle him, and sitting back on Dan’s thighs. He wraps his hand around Dan, who’s somehow hard again already.

 

“Fuck, Phil,” Dan says as Phil moves his fist up and down even more slowly than before

 

“Remember that night Charlie came over?” Phil asks.

 

Dan nods.

 

“Remember when he asked me what my favourite sex act was?”

 

Dan nods again.

 

“And then he asked if I meant giving or receiving?”

 

Dan bites his lip, runs his hands up Phil’s naked thighs. “Yeah,” he breathes.

 

“I meant giving.”


	19. Chapter 19

The first thing Dan sees when he opens his eyes is Phil’s back. He’s lying on his side and facing away from Dan, blanket draped low over the sharp jut of his hip. In his fuzzy half-awake state, Dan can’t help but reach out and trace his fingers along the dusting of freckles, mapping the firm curves and dips, marvelling at the impossible softness of the porcelain skin that stretches across the broad expanse between Phil’s shoulders.

 

He’s starting to get used to waking up next to Phil. He’s starting to hope he can do it every morning.

 

“That tickles.”

 

“Shit, I keep waking you up every morning, don’t I?”

 

“S’ok,” Phil mumbles sleepily. “Feels nice.”

 

Dan shuffles in closer, fitting himself into the contours of Phil’s body, wrapping his arms around Phil’s waist. “Morning,” Dan whispers against the back of Phil’s neck.

 

“Is it still morning?”

 

“Probably not,” Dan chuckles.

 

“We’re terrible.”

 

“No.” Dan kisses Phil’s shoulder. “I am. You… you’re amazing.”

 

“Is that a dig on my username?” Phil chuckles.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Shut up,” Phil scolds fondly, thrusting his ass back playfully into Dan’s crotch.

 

“Fuck, Phil. Do you maybe wanna kiss me first?”

 

Dan feels the muscles in Phil’s abdomen tighten as he laughs. He thinks to himself that he’d really like to stay in this moment forever, in this blissful bubble of hazy contentment. Right now he’s not worried about what people will say or how they’ll look at him differently, he’s not thinking about what he should be doing that he’s not. All he’s thinking about is how lovely it feels to have his body spooned against Phil’s, how soft and warm and simply happy he feels—and how earth-shatteringly good it had felt last night when Phil took him into his mouth.

 

“Why did you say you’re terrible?” Phil asks.

 

“Because you proper seduced me last night. You were amazing and I was… awkward.”

 

Phil turns around then to look into Dan’s sleepy eyes. “Trust me, you weren’t.”

 

Dan feels a little flutter in his stomach and he smiles blushingly. If he were a little more awake, maybe he would try to reign in the sappiness, but as it is he’s overwhelmed by the way Phil makes him feel. He hates to even think it, but no one has ever come close to making him feel like this.

 

“I’d never done… that.”

 

“I know,” Phil says softly. “Are you ok about it?”

 

“Of course. I just wish I could make you feel as good as you made me feel… twice.” Dan bites his lip, remembering the electric feel of Phil’s tongue, his lips, his throat…

 

Phil stretches his neck out and kisses Dan softly. “You did.”

 

Dan shakes his head.

 

Phil reaches his hand around Dan’s hip and grips his ass cheek firmly, pulling him closer so their hips and everything in between press together. It’s impossible for Dan to miss the hardness that pushes against him then. “You did. You do,” Phil whispers.

 

Dan chokes out a breathy laugh. “This is so weird, Phil.”

 

“Is it?” Phil still has a palm cupping Dan’s cheek, squeezing lightly.

 

“Yeah, kind of,” Dan admits, his own hand sliding up Phil’s back. “I mean, like, it’s weird how not weird it is, you know?”

 

Phil nods.

 

“Can I ask you a question?” Dan says, and suddenly he feels a hint of apprehension lace its way in between the giddiness.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“What does this… mean?”

 

“What d’you mean?”

 

“Like… it’s fine either way, but like, I just wanna know, since we live together and everything, I don’t want it to be weird, so, I’m just wondering…” Dan trails off, aware that’s he’s rambling like an utter fool.

 

“What do you want it to mean?” Phil asks cautiously, and Dan could kiss him for how calm and unperturbed he is by Dan’s complete lack of coherency.

 

“I dunno… it depends.”

 

“On what?”

 

Dan takes a deep breath and spits out his answer before he has time to tell himself it’s a bad idea. “On how freaked out you would be if I said that I don’t wanna share you with anyone else.”

 

Phil smiles. “I don’t wanna share you either.”

 

“Ok.” Dan is beaming and he has to look away from Phil to preserve any semblance of cool he has left.

 

“Glad we got that sorted,” Phil chuckles. “Even though I thought it was obvious from the moment you moved in that I wanted you all to myself.”

 

Dan’s heart thumps at that. “Did you really?”

 

“Definitely. Actually, before you even moved in. I knew after the first time we met, when you came in here all tall and sexy with that hair and those eyes, and these…” he runs a thumb over the dimple in Dan’s cheek. “And then we started talking and you weren’t just hot, you were funny too, and you didn’t laugh at my video game collection. I thought you were too good to be true.”

 

Now Dan knows he’s blushing, Phil’s words sending a rush of warmth up into his cheeks.

 

“You’ve got to stop doing that,” Phil mutters, and he kisses the spot low on Dan’s cheek, the one he knows gets embarrassingly red whenever he feels any heightened emotion. “It’s too adorable.”

 

“Can’t help it,” Dan smiles. “We’re cheesy as fuck, Phil.”

 

“Don’t care.” He moves his mouth down a little and kisses Dan’s jaw. “I’m allowed.” He moves lower still and kisses Dan’s neck, somehow in the most sensitive spot of all and Dan sucks in a breath.

 

“Careful, mate.”

 

“Why? We’re not in my parents’ house anymore. We can do whatever we want.” He latches onto Dan’s neck and sucks, hard.

 

“That’s… mmphh… true,” Dan pants. “But I haven’t… showered in like… two days.”

 

“Yeah?” Phil grunts against Dan’s neck. Dan nods.

 

All of a sudden Phil pushes Dan onto his back and crawls over top of him to sit on Dan’s knees. They’re both still completely naked and Dan can feel his pulse racing.

 

Phil leans down then and bites Dan’s hip bone. “That just means you taste more like yourself.”

 

Dan squeezes his eyes shut tightly. “Fuck, Phil, how do you do that?”

 

“What?” Phil says, pushing down on Dan’s hips and bringing his face down to hover teasingly over him.

 

“You just say this hot filthy shit without even trying.”

 

“You just have that effect on me, Dan.”

 

It’s last thing Dan hears for a while. Phil’s mouth has better things to do.

 

*

 

“K, I will. Bye mum.” Dan tosses his phone onto the coffee table and stretches his legs back out over Phil’s lap. They’re sitting on the sofa watching Adventure Time and drinking coffee.

 

Phil looks at Dan expectantly, one hand resting on Dan’s naked shin.

 

“I have to go home,” Dan says grudgingly.

 

“You are home.”

 

Dan smiles. “Shut up, I know. God, you’re a sap.”

 

“You like it.” Phil pushes his glasses up and rubs his hand over the hairs on Dan’s leg.

 

“Yeah, I do.”

 

“So, you have to go back to Wokingham again?”

 

Dan nods. “I skipped out on going back for my birthday, remember? She says I still have to come.”

 

“When?”

 

“Why, Philly, you gonna miss me?” Dan teases.

 

“No, not at all. I hate you, didn’t you know? I can’t wait to get rid of you.”

 

“Right. Guess I’ll leave tomorrow, then.” Dan nudges his foot into Phil’s stomach, making him giggle.

 

“Really, though? Tomorrow?”

 

“Might as well get it over with.”

 

“Is it that bad?”

 

“No, I guess not,” Dan admits. “Definitely not like visiting your family, though. Besides… I’ll like… miss you and shit.”

 

Phil laughs then, the funny laugh that sticks in the back of his throat and lights up his whole face. Dan’s favourite laugh.

 

“How romantic.” He takes another sip of coffee. “I’ll miss you too though. I’m starting to like waking up to you in the morning.”

 

“Starting to?”

 

“Alright, I really like it, ok? Even when I had a massive headache I liked it.”

 

Dan smiles, remembering the hammering in his heart when Phil had lifted his blanket in invitation. “I liked it too.”

 

“Really? Even then?” Phil asks, the surprise evident on his face.

 

Dan nods.

 

“I should have just been brave and kissed you right then and there.”

 

“Phil, you could barely even talk,” Dan reminds him.

 

“Don’t need to talk to kiss.”

 

“You’re an idiot,” Dan says, but he can feel the dimple sinking deep into his cheek with the force of his smile.

 

“Would you have kissed me back?” Phil puts his coffee down on the table and turns so his back is resting against the arm of the sofa and he’s holding Dan’s feet in his hands.

 

“Probably.”

 

Phil raises a questioning eyebrow.

 

“I would have been scared as fuck and super awkward, but yeah, Phil, I would’ve kissed you back.”

 

“Damn.”

 

“I probably would have kissed you the night Charlie came over to be honest.”

 

Phil lets go of Dan’s feet then and crawls forward, slotting his hips between Dan’s open legs and bracketing Dan’s head with his arms. “Strawberries?” He asks in the husky voice that drives Dan mad.

 

Dan nods.

 

“God, I wanted to,” Phil says, closing his eyes. “You looked so incredible.”

 

Dan doesn’t say anything, just reaches over to place his mug on the table before wrapping his arms around Phil’s waist.

 

“I have to admit it turned me on when you asked why Charlie knew how much I like blowjobs. You seemed almost… jealous.”

 

“I was.” Dan slips his hands under Phil’s shirt. “I still am.”

 

“I probably shouldn’t find that so hot,” Phil mumbles against Dan’s neck. “I’m sorry I didn’t kiss you that night.”

 

“You can make it up to me now.”

 

Dan moves his hands up to grip the sides of Phil’s face and brings their lips together. The feel of Phil’s tongue against his is already so familiar. They kiss slow and deep, memorizing the taste of each other. Phil pulls away after a few minutes and says, “Am I forgiven?”

 

“Only if you come to Wokingham with me,” Dan replies.

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah, please? It’ll be so much better with you there. And I think my nan would like to meet you.”

 

“Ok,” Phil agrees quickly. He pauses a moment before asking timidly, “What will you tell them?”

 

Dan frowns in confusion.

 

“About us.”

 

“Oh.” Dan runs the pads of his fingers lightly up and down Phil’s back. He hadn’t really thought about how much he was ready to tell his family. He stalls, sticking his hands into the waist of Phil’s pants, fingers grazing the soft cheeks. Phil shudders just a tiny bit.

 

“Dan?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“You know you don’t have to tell them, right? I don’t expect you to.”

 

Dan stares up into Phil’s eyes. “Are you even real?” He asks.

 

Phil smiles. “No. I’m actually a robot.”

 

“That would make more sense. I think you’re like… too good to be true.”

 

“So I’ll just be your flatmate for now? Your friend?” Phil asks.

 

Dan hates to hear him say that, even in this context. But he can’t deny that the thought of bringing Phil home to his parents and introducing him as anything other than a friend is rather terrifying.

 

“I think so?”

 

“It’s ok, Dan. It took me a long time before I could tell my parents. I wouldn’t want you to do it before you’re ready.”

 

Dan has to look away then, feeling a twist of something like guilt mixed with fear in his gut. “I just… I don’t want this… I don’t want them to, like…”

 

Phil sits up then, and pulls Dan up too so they’re sitting beside each other on the sofa. He takes Dan’s hand in his, lacing their fingers together. “You don’t have to tell them. And you don’t have to feel bad about it. I _am_ your flatmate. I _am_ your friend. You won’t offend me and you won’t be lying to them. They don’t need to know that I also give you spectacular head, right?”

 

Dan snorts, shoving Phil’s shoulder, hard. “Shut UP!”

 

“Am I wrong?” Phil asks, laughing.

 

“I mean… no,” Dan admits reluctantly. “You’re definitely really fucking good at that.”

 

“Thank you,” Phil says smugly.

 

“I’m sorry I haven’t—”

 

“Don’t do that,” Phil cuts him off. “That’s not how this works. I’m not doing it so you’ll do it back. I’m not keeping score. I do it because I want to. I want to make you feel good.”

 

Dan flushes. “I want to make you feel good too, though,” he says timidly.

 

“I told you, you do. Just please trust me, you do, Dan. God, you don’t even know how happy I am right now, do you?”

 

Dan can feel his face go even redder. “Tell me.” He almost feels embarrassed for how horrifically flirty and sappy and cheesy they’re being, but at the same time, he really couldn’t care less. He wants to bathe in this feeling, this giddiness that fills him up with butterflies. He turns his body, hitches his leg over Phil to straddle his hips and sit on his lap. Phil had put on his pyjama bottoms but Dan, of course, is wearing nothing but a hoodie and a pair of tight black pants. He puts his arms around Phil’s neck and says again, “Tell me, Phil.”

 

Phil runs his hands over Dan’s bare thighs, squeezing the smooth skin. “Fuck, Dan. You and your fucking pants.”

 

Dan laughs around the jolt of arousal he feels at hearing Phil curse. “You don’t like my pants?”

 

“I don’t like how hard it’s been to keep from getting a boner every day since you moved in when you walk around the flat in these goddamn pants. You know you’ve been driving me crazy right? Were you doing that on purpose?” Phil runs his hands further up Dan’s thighs, slipping the tips of his fingers underneath the thin material.

 

“N-no,” Dan stutters. “I didn’t think you’d mind.”

 

“I didn’t _mind_. I just spent every moment thinking how much better they’d look on the floor.”

 

“Jesus,” Dan breathes, closing his eyes. He can’t help but grind himself down into Phil’s lap then. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner, Phil?”

 

“I thought you were straight, Dan. I didn’t want to scare you off. We got on so well. I thought I could just ignore it, or eventually get over it. But these fucking pants… it really felt like you were trying to torture me.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Dan whispers, leaning down to press his forehead against Phil’s.

 

“Don’t be. You’re so hot, Dan.” Phil slides his hands up under Dan’s jumper then, up Dan’s back to grip his shoulders and push him down further into Phil’s lap. Dan gasps.

 

“And now I know I’m allowed to take them off, right?” He asks, brushing his lips against Dan’s.

 

All Dan can do is nod.

 

Phil moves his hands to the waistband of Dan’s pants, curling his fingers over the top.

 

“Wait,” Dan says before biting down hard on Phil’s bottom lip. “You may not be keeping score, but I am. It’s your turn.”

 

“You sure?”

 

Dan nods. He scootches off Phil’s lap and stands up, still straddling Phil’s knees. He unzips his hoodie and pushes it off his shoulders before holding his hand out for Phil to take.

 

“Bed?” Phil asks.

 

Dan shakes his head. “Shower.”

 

They fit their long bodies closely together under the steady stream of hot water. They kiss. They take turns washing each other’s hair. They take their time lathering sweet-smelling soap over every inch of each other’s bodies. Eventually Phil presses his forehead against the space between Dan’s neck and shoulder and grips Dan’s hips as Dan’s hand works him over hard and fast. Dan’s more sure of himself this time, pays more attention to which particular twists and tugs make Phil moan, cataloguing every twitch and sigh, filing them away in the hope he can one day make Phil feel as good as he deserves to feel. Phil bites into the flesh of Dan’s shoulder hard when he comes.

 

“Phil?” Dan asks, once they’re dry and dressed and sat on the sofa with their heaping bowls of Crunchy Nut.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“I’m really happy too.”


	20. Chapter 20

“It’s gonna be hard to act like we’re just mates,” Dan says, curling his fingers around Phil’s. “I’ve already gotten used to waking up naked next to you.”

 

Phil giggles and squeezes Dan’s hand. They’re sat next to each other in their too-small seats on the train to Wokingham. “I don’t get to sleep with you?”

 

“Probably not. I don’t think friends usually sleep in the same bed together unless they have no other choice, right?”

 

Phil huffs, sticking his bottom lip out in a rather cartoonish pout. “No fair.”

 

“I know. I’m sorry. I told you it’d be rubbish.” Dan looks around, checking to see if anyone’s looking before leaning over and giving Phil’s pouty lip a quick bite. “I’m still glad you’re coming though.”

 

“But I won’t be, will I?” Phil asks, the corners of his mouth quirking up cheekily.

 

“You idiot,” Dan laughs, elbowing Phil in the ribs. “You can always do it yourself.”

 

“Not as fun.” Phil knocks his knee into Dan’s. “Not now I know how good you taste.”

 

“God, Phil, you can’t just say stuff like that in public,” Dan whispers, squeezing his eyes shut.

 

Phil’s face falls a little. “Why?”

 

“Because I don’t need to have a raging boner on this train!”

 

Phil sticks his tongue out and giggles in a way that is all too innocent and adorable for the smut that had come out of his mouth only a moment earlier. “Sorry.”

 

“You’re not,” Dan accuses.

 

“I’m not.”

 

*

 

Dan’s mum is waiting when their train pulls into the station.

 

“Happy birthday, love.” She pulls Dan in for a hug.

 

“Hi, mum. Thanks.” He hugs her back and finds he’s quite happy to see her. A lot has happened in the short time since his last visit. A lot of happiness. “This is Phil.”

 

“Hi Mrs. Howell,” Phil says, and Dan can barely contain the huge grin that threatens to erupt at Phil’s awkwardness.

 

She laughs a little. “Hello, Phil, it’s nice to meet you. You and Dan must really get on if you’re willing to come down here with him already. You’ve only lived together what? A month?”

 

Dan bites his lip to contain his nervous laughter as he shoots Phil a look.

 

“Uhh, yeah, he’s alright I guess,” Phil jokes.

 

“Shut up,” Dan whines, before realizing how much it sounds like flirting. This whole hiding thing is going to be harder than he thought.

 

“Alright, I’ll drop you boys at the house then I have to go back to work for a couple hours.”

 

Dan shoves their bags in the boot and graciously gives Phil the front seat.

 

“Phil,” his mum says, “I hope you don’t mind sleeping in Dan’s brother’s room? He’s away at a summer camp. Unfortunately there’s still no bed in Daniel’s room.”

 

“Not at all,” Phil answers politely.

 

Dan sees Phil’s hands wring together nervously. He wishes he could reach out and squeeze them. Then again, he could, if he wasn’t letting himself wallow in fear. Guilt twists in his gut. “Is nan there?” He asks, all of a sudden desperate to distract himself.

 

“No, but she will be later for tea. What kind of cake do you want?”

 

“Chocolate, please.”

 

“Anything else you want me to pick up?”

 

Dan smiles. “Coffee. And strawberries.”

 

*

 

“It feels wrong to do this on your brother’s bed,” Phil mumbles into Dan’s neck. He’s sat on a pillow, leaning back against the headboard, holding Dan in his lap.

 

“We might not get another chance,” Dan pants. “I can’t be expected to keep my hands off you for two whole days, I’ll go insane.” He wraps his legs tighter around Phil’s waist.

 

It crosses Dan’s mind then that if Phil weren’t such a lovely understanding person he might say something like, “You wouldn’t have to if you’d just tell them the truth,” but of course, he is, so he doesn’t. He doesn’t say anything, just sucks the spot above Dan’s collarbone harder and slips his hands up under Dan’s shirt.

 

*

 

“Bear!”

 

“Hi, nan,” Dan smiles and engulfs her in a hug befitting of his nickname.

 

“Oh how rude of me, this must be…”

 

“Sorry, yeah, this is Phil, my… flatmate.”

 

“Lovely to meet you dear,” she says warmly and gives Phil a hug too. “Though I’m sure you’re more than a flatmate if you’ve come down South to meet us.”

 

Dan looks at Phil in alarm but Phil just laughs and says, “Yeah, he’s ok I guess. I suppose we’re friends, right Dan?”

 

Dan shrugs in mock indifference. “I guess you’re alright.”

 

“Come have tea with an old lady, you strange children.”

 

“You’re really not that old, nan,” Dan assures.

 

“Why thank you, Daniel,” she laughs.

 

Dan’s mum gets in soon after that, her arms overflowing with bags of shopping. Phil is the first to jump up and offer help.

 

“Thank you love,” she says gratefully. “You could learn a thing or two from your friend, Daniel,” she teases.

 

He laughs, says something in protest, but the word friend catches in his mind, needling itself into the part of him that wants to shout to the world about how happy Phil makes him feel. He’s never liked lying to his family, and lately he’s been lying about a lot.

 

*

 

“So, Bear, tell us all about living on your own,” his nan says cheerfully.

 

“Nan, I moved to Manchester like a year ago.”

 

They’re sat at the table having dinner finally, his father having gotten home from work rather late. It feels a little unnatural as family meals had never been typical in the Howell household, but Dan knows his mum went to a fair amount of trouble, so he’s trying. Phil is sat beside him and Dan can tell he’s nervous. It makes the situation all the more absurd to Dan, especially considering what they’d got up to in Adrian’s room only a few hours ago.

 

“Uni halls don’t count.”

 

He laughs. “Oh, don’t they? Well living with Phil is awesome.” Is that something a friend would say? Is it too complimentary?

 

“Yeah, we have fun,” Phil adds, kicking Dan’s foot under the table and smiling.

 

“What do you do, Phil?” Dan’s father asks.

 

Dan feels his stomach clench.

 

“Uhh,” he looks at Dan helplessly. They hadn’t thought to discuss whether or not Dan wanted to talk about their fledgling YouTube careers. “I… film stuff?”

 

“Oh, right,” Dan’s nan chirps. “Is that what you studied in school? Where did you go to school, again, dear?”

 

“York,” he says, relief evident in his voice. “I studied English language and linguistics.”

 

“And?” Dan prompts, unable to resist giving Phil the opportunity to show off in front of his family. He can’t deny that it gives him a rush, that it’s actually a little hot, showing off his smart, older boyfriend. Then he remembers sadly that that’s not _really_ what he’s doing. Technically all he’s doing is proving to his parents that he doesn’t share a flat with an uneducated loser.

 

“And theatre, film and television.”

 

“And?” Dan can’t help himself. He’s just proud.

 

“And a masters in video postproduction and visual effects,” he mumbles, clearly embarrassed now.

 

“Bloody hell,” Dan’s nan says, impressed.

 

“So do you work for a production company or something?” Dan’s father asks.

 

Phil shoots a quizzical look at Dan, who nods. He might as well tell them—one less lie to worry about.

 

“Actually, I make YouTube videos.”

 

Their faces are blank, impassive, which honestly is better than Dan was expecting.

 

“What’s YouTube? Is that where people get all those videos of people choking on cinnamon?” Dan’s mum asks. “And cats?”

 

Dan’s stomach drops, but Phil laughs. “Yeah, it is, actually. There’s a lot more than that, though.”

 

Dan looks over at Phil, and he’s never wanted so badly to kiss him—not after Phil had rubbed his strawberry lips, not when they woke up in bed together for the first time, not even on the cliffs overlooking the Irish Sea. Right now, in this moment, Phil is everything Dan has ever wanted—all he’s ever needed. He is light and understanding and compassion. He knows exactly what Dan needs and is willing to give it to him time and time again. He’ll come down to Wokingham with no notice and stroke Dan off in secret on his brother’s bed and sit through an awkward dinner where his livelihood is belittled and he’ll laugh good-naturedly about it because he knows it’s what Dan wants. He’ll agree when Dan calls him his friend even though he’d proudly marked Dan as his own for all his own family to see.

 

“Actually mum, there’s quite a bit more to it than that. You can find anything on YouTube. Any type of video you could possibly imagine. And he’s really bloody good at making videos.” His tone is far too intense. He can hear the defensiveness, the anger singeing every word. “And he’s teaching me how to be good at it too.”

 

Now they look properly shaken. Except his nan—she looks downright elated.

 

“That’s wonderful, Daniel. You’ll have to show us sometime.”

 

“You make a living at this?” Dan’s father asks incredulously, looking at Phil.

 

Dan can feel himself about to snap when Phil kicks his foot, rather harder than a playful nudge.

 

“I’m starting to. We’re both doing really well actually, and it’s been less than a month. I actually got a call recently from a production company, so I know I have options if this YouTube thing doesn’t work out.”

 

“We?” Dan’s father says.

 

Phil nods. “Dan’s actually got more subscribers than me.”

 

“Only because Phil puts more time into helping me with mine than he does on his own,” Dan insists, and for once he doesn’t care to check the fondness that leaks through.

 

His mum smiles. His dad says, “As long as you still have enough time to focus on your degree once the summer is over.”

 

“And you’re still working at Focus, right?” His mum asks.

 

Dan sighs. It’s pointless. They’ll never be able to understand. “Right.”

 

“Well I’m happy you’ve found a hobby love,” his mum says, reaching out and putting her hand on his. “You seem to be doing really well.”

 

“I am,” he replies, though with none of the conviction he actually feels when he thinks about how vastly his life has improved since he met a certain tall, black-haired man.

 

*

 

Dan’s parents go to bed soon after the cake. They both have work in the morning after all. His nan insists he and Phil have coffee with her before she heads home.

 

“Nan, it’s like ten o’clock.”

 

“I’m a grown woman, Daniel, I can drink coffee as late as I like.”

 

Phil shrugs. “I’m always up for coffee. We usually stay up all night anyway, right Dan?”

 

Dan laughs. “I guess we do.”

 

So she makes them all coffee, _real_ coffee, with freshly ground beans and a proper brew, and Dan sighs with obscene satisfaction when he takes the first sip.

 

“This is what coffee is supposed to taste like, Philip.”

 

Phil laughs. “Yeah I guess it’s pretty good. Thank you,” he says to Dan’s nan, and he’s so painfully gracious and adorable that Dan can’t help but reach out under the table and squeeze his knee. He’s not even that careful about it, though he’s sure his nan doesn’t notice.

 

“I hope you don’t take what Dan’s parents said too personally, dear,” she says to Phil.

 

“No, of course not,” he says warmly, lacing his fingers through Dan’s under the table. “My parents had no idea what YouTube was before I showed them either. And they weren’t exactly thrilled I was using all those years of expensive classes to ‘film myself playing dress-up in my room.’ They’ve come around a little bit but I’m sure they still secretly hope I’ll become a professor or get a job at the BBC or something.”

 

“I’m sure you’ll be successful at anything you put your heart into, love.”

 

Dan smiles. It’s such a nan thing to say.

 

They chat pleasantly and sip their coffee for a while until Phil excuses himself to use the toilet. As soon as he’s gone Dan’s nan turns to him and says, “He’s lovely, dear. I’m so happy for you.”

 

“Uhh, yeah,” Dan stutters. “He’s a good friend.”

 

She just looks at him, as if waiting for something more, something Dan’s really not sure he’s ready to say.

 

“It’s alright, Bear. You take your time.”

 

He stares at her until Phil returns.

 

“Well, I’m off boys. Happy birthday, love. And it was so nice to meet you Phil.” She stands up and Phil follows suit, opening his arms and wrapping them around her, hugging her as if he’d know her all his life.

 

Dan is still a little stunned as she kisses him on the cheek and says, “Bye, love.”

His throat is dry. He tries to swallow around the emotion that threatens to choke him. If he can’t tell her now, who will he ever be able to tell?

 

“Wait.” The urgency in his tone is palpable.

 

Phil looks at him questioningly, clearly confused. She looks at him too, but she’s not surprised, not at all confused. She looks happy.

 

Dan stands up, reaches out, takes Phil’s hand in his. He doesn’t say anything. He hadn’t thought that far ahead. His heart is pounding and his hands are trembling.

 

Then he feels Phil give his hand a reassuring squeeze and he remembers that actually, this isn’t scary at all. Phil is the best thing that has ever happened to him and he’s telling the woman who all but raised him that he’s finally found happiness in his life.

 

“We’re not just friends.”

 

“I know, love. I may be old, but I’m not blind.”

 

*

 

**_Dan_ ** _: i came out to my nan_

 

He’s lying on the sofa in the dark, texting Rain because there’s no way he’s going to be able to fall asleep now. He’s still riding the high of his newfound bravery, even after a film and a clandestine makeout session with Phil.

 

**_Rain_ ** _: wtf!!! you do remember that the last time we talked i was telling you to stop being stupid and talk to phil?? and now you’re COMING OUT TO YOUR NAN what the fuck!! tell me everything you twat!!_

 

Dan giggles, actually proper giggles like a little kid. He feels giddy.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: shit, yeah. a lot has happened_

**_Rain_ ** _: so you guys got together??_

**_Dan_ ** _: yeah :]_

**_Rain_ ** _: are you going to make me ask for the details like a perv?? cos you know i need them immediately_

**_Dan_ ** _: like how much detail are we talking_

**_Rain_ ** _: !!!!!_

**_Dan_ ** _: ;]_

**_Rain_ ** _: this is too weird. i can’t believe it. i didn’t know if you’d ever actually do it_

**_Dan_ ** _: i really like him_

**_Rain_ ** _: i know, idiot. i knew right away._

**_Dan_ ** _: i think i did too._

**_Rain_ ** _: i’m still waiting on those details…_

 

*

 

**_Dan_ ** _: you still awake?_

**_Phil_ ** _: yeah… i can’t sleep without you now_

 

Dan pads up the stairs as quietly as he can, lighting his way with just his phone, careful to miss the squeaky step in the middle. It’s very early in the morning and he’s grown tired of being without Phil. He’s a grown man. Phil is a grown man. If he wants to sleep with his boyfriend, he bloody well will. He’ll deal with the perplexed expressions and quiet disapproval later, and Phil will be by his side every step of the way.

 

He doesn’t knock, just opens the door slowly to minimize creaking and slips inside his brother’s room.

 

“Dan?” Phil whispers groggily.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“What’s up?”

 

“Got lonely.”

 

“You gonna sleep here? What about your parents?”

 

Dan strips off his clothes in the dark quickly and crawls onto the bed. He gropes around until he feels the solid weight of Phil underneath the covers. He pulls the blanket aside and climbs into Phil’s lap.

 

“Don’t fucking care. I want you.”

 

Phil grabs Dan’s hips. Dan leans down and kisses the first spot of Phil’s skin his lips touch. It’s pitch black. He can’t see anything—all he knows is the feel of Phil’s bare chest under his hands, the smell of him, the hitch in his breathing as Dan licks a stripe up his neck.

 

“I want you too,” Phil whispers. “Always.” He moves to sit up, but Dan pushes his shoulders back down into the bed.

 

“No. You just lie here. Wanna do you tonight.”

 

“Dan, you don’t—”

 

Dan shuts him up by crashing their lips together and licking into his mouth filthily. “I want to, Phil. Wanna know what you taste like.” He moves his mouth down to Phil’s neck, kissing it all over until he finds the spot that makes Phil gasp. He latches on and sucks hard.

 

“Fuck, Dan, shit,” Phil curses and Dan feels his dick growing harder. He’s convinced now that there is nothing hotter in this world than hearing Phil say fuck. “You’re gonna leave a mark,” he pants. “Your parents will see.”

 

“I want them to,” Dan growls against Phil’s neck. “I want them to know that you’re mine.” He meant it to sound dirty, but he realizes once he’s said it that he actually means it. He doesn’t want to hide.

 

Phil grips Dan’s hips tighter and thrusts up into his crotch slowly. He moves a hand from Dan’s hip toward his dick, but Dan grabs his hands. “No, Phil. It’s your turn remember?”

 

He kisses his way down Phil’s chest slowly, noisily, wetly, feeling his heart rate pick up with every lick. He’s turned on, but also undeniably nervous. This is going to be another first for him and for some reason it feels like a big one. He reaches down between his own legs and pumps himself a few times to push the nerves out and replace them with heat.

 

He curls his fingers over the waistband of Phil’s boxers and tugs. Phil lifts his hips and Dan pulls the pants off and tosses them away. He’s suddenly glad he can’t see anything. He wants to taste Phil, to lick and suck and make him feel the way he feels when Phil does this. He wants it more than anything—but he’s scared. He’d tried not to be, but now that he’s here and he’s cupping Phil’s balls in the dark and there’s nothing stopping him he realizes he has no idea what to do.

 

“Dan?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You really don’t have to.”

 

These words are becoming all too common between them and Dan doesn’t like it. He doesn’t want Phil to think that every step forward Dan takes is with trepidation.

 

“I want to,” he repeats.

 

“Ok, good,” Phil sighs. “Cuz I’ve been wondering what that pretty mouth would feel like on my cock from day one.”

 

That’s all Dan needs. His stomach flips and a fire erupts inside him, a burning need to feel Phil against his tongue _now_.

 

He leans down and grips Phil in his hand and licks, tasting him right away, distinct, a little sharp. He hears Phil moan a little and it spurs him on. He wraps his lips around the head and Phil is big and full and it feels a little foreign, but Dan finds that he loves it, the control he feels in this moment. Every flick of his tongue and bob of his head wrings a new sound from Phil’s throat, a new twitch. Dan pops off, kisses, licks, takes it in again and sinks down further. Phil just lies there gripping Dan’s hair and groaning.

 

Dan can’t take it down very far and he’s sure he’s being sloppy and uncoordinated but he knows it doesn’t matter—it doesn’t matter because Phil is bucking his hips a little and cursing under his breath and tugging on Dan’s hair. It doesn’t matter because Phil is his now and he is Phil’s and they get to do this whenever they want. He has all the time in the world to learn the exact way to make Phil come undone. When Phil chokes out, “Dan, Dan, I’m gonna come,” he pulls back and uses his hand to finish him off. Phil makes the world’s sexiest sound when he comes and Dan can barely stop himself from grabbing his own dick. He wipes his sticky hand on the sheets and crawls up to kiss Phil in the dark.

 

“Okay?” He asks, though he knows the answer. He just wants to hear Phil say it.

 

“God, yes.” He kisses Dan back hard and wet. “I knew you’d be good at that.”

 

“I learned from the best.”

 

Phil flips him over then, pushing him into the bed. Dan thinks he may never get over how hot that is, Phil over top of him, pressing him down with his soft strong hands.

 

“Hey, Phil?”

 

“Mmm?” Phil murmurs wet against Dan’s skin. He’s already kissed his way down to Dan’s chest.

 

“I came out to my nan today.” It honestly wasn’t what he was expecting to say. He chuckles.

 

“I know. I’m so proud of you, Dan.” Phil moves back up to kiss Dan softly. “I can’t believe how lucky I am.”

 

“You’re just being sappy now you’ve come,” Dan jokes, but he feels his chest tighten with pure, unadulterated joy.

 

“No, I just really like you.” He kisses Dan again.

 

Dan grins against Phil’s lips. “I like you too, idiot.”


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is half fluffy drama and half dirty dirty filth. you have been warned.

Dan is startled awake by a knock on the door.

 

“Daniel? I know it’s early but you boys should get up and come out here, I made pancakes.”

 

“K,” he mumbles sleepily into the pillow. He rolls over and sees Phil’s face right next to his. His eyes are open, wide open and he looks too awake for the obscenely early hour.

 

“What?” He asks, trying to clear the fog from his brain and the sleep from his eyes.

 

“Your mum… she said ‘you boys’…” Phil says slowly.

 

“Oh. Yeah.” He was meant to sleep on the sofa.

 

Phil is looking at him anxiously, like he’s about to break down in tears or something. “I shouldn’t have let you fall asleep in here…”

 

Dan shuffles forward and kisses Phil’s mouth to stem the flow of thoughts he wishes Phil wasn’t having. “It’s ok, Phil. I wanted to.” His heart is beating a little faster than normal and he isn’t _really_ looking forward to walking into the kitchen and seeing the looks on his parents’ faces, but the decision to spend the night with Phil had been a conscious one, and he isn’t about to start regretting it now. “Let’s go have pancakes.”

 

Phil cocks an eyebrow, reaches his hand out to cup Dan’s bare butt. “Maybe we should put on clothes first?”

 

“Fine, but only until they leave for work.”

 

They fish their pjs off the floor and Phil puts on his glasses and Dan’s heart swells a little because he loves those glasses and Phil’s messy morning hair and the faint shadow of stubble on Phil’s jaw. If his nerves weren’t feeling so raw and exposed he might laugh at how similar this wake up call had been to the one at Phil’s parents’ house.

 

The first thing Dan sees when they enter the kitchen is his dad. He’s smiling, stood at the stove with a hand on his wife’s back.

 

“Morning,” Phil says cheerfully—maybe a little too cheerfully.

 

“Good morning boys,” Dan’s mum says, smiling.

 

Dan mumbles a greeting, avoiding their eyes. He knows they must know and while he won’t allow himself to feel ashamed, he can’t help the awkwardness that washes over him. He grabs two mugs and goes to fill them with coffee. His back is turned when he hears his dad say, “I hope you’re planning on getting him back for that, Phil.”

 

He turns around to see all the colour drain from Phil’s face.

 

“What are you on about?” Dan asks.

 

His father gestures to the dark marks littering Phil’s neck. Fuck. How had he forgotten about those? “You really should be embarrassed. You’re not sixteen anymore, Daniel.”

 

“Uhh,” is all he can manage in reply.

 

“Leave him alone,” his mum scolds, swatting at her husband’s arm. He laughs.

 

Dan wonders if it’s possible they’ve somehow fallen into another dimension, an alternate reality where he can fool around with a boy in his parents’ house and they tease him about it the next morning.

 

They sit down to eat. Dan busies himself by shoving pancake down his throat rather unceremoniously. His parents are smiling and chatting to each other and everything feels strange and rose-coloured in a way that simply does not fit with the expectation he’d had for their reaction to the news that their son kisses boys now. He notices that Phil is compensating for his uneasiness in the complete opposite way—he’s sitting up tall and straight and taking dainty bites of pancake and he has a strange half smile on his lips at all times. Dan stares at Phil’s hands and feels a pang of protectiveness tangled up with affection when he notices they’re shaking, bouncing his fork around. They’re sat close enough to each other that he can reach his long arm out under the table and squeeze Phil’s thigh.

 

“Are you going back home today, love?” His mother asks, and he thinks he sees her eyes flit down to take in the way his arm is leant toward Phil, but he can’t be sure. It strikes him that she’d said ‘home.’ He feels a warmth inside him then, a strong fondness for this woman he’d admittedly taken for granted the past few years. She’s already recognizing the space he inhabits with Phil as home now.

 

“Yeah, I have to work tomorrow. I had to get some shifts covered last weekend so I can’t miss another one or I’ll get sacked for sure.”

 

They finish eating and Phil jumps at the chance to help Dan’s dad do the washing up. His dad washes and Phil dries and his mum leaves to “put on her face” and Dan just leans against the fridge watching them and still wondering if there’s a chance he’s dreamed the whole thing.

 

His mother returns and says, “We need to leave now. It was so lovely to meet you Phil,” and she gives him a hug. Dan’s dad shakes Phil’s hand, which honestly may be the strangest thing Dan’s ever witnessed with his own two eyes and his mum says, “Walk us to the door, Daniel?”

 

He shoots Phil a look before following his parents out of the kitchen, down the hall and to the front door, his heart hammering against his chest.

 

His mum turns to him and pulls him to her chest. “You could have told us,” she says softly.

 

He rests his chin on the top of her head and says, “Sorry.” It’s all he can think to say. He looks over at his dad and is shocked to see him looking back, tears in his eyes. “Dad?”

 

“Sorry, sorry, I’m just…” he swipes quickly at his eyes and looks away. “We’re proud of you. So proud.”

 

Dan’s lip quivers. He bites it harshly, feels the pain prickle as his teeth sink into the chapped skin. His throat feels like it’s closing up, emotion burning hot and thick, threatening to overflow with an intensity that would frankly be more embarrassing than he could bear at this moment. “Thanks, Dad,” he chokes.

 

“You can always talk to us, Dan. We’re always here.” He can’t be sure, as her face is buried in his shirt, but he thinks she may be crying too. He can’t help but laugh, pushing out the raw emotion that’s piled up in his chest.

 

He thanks them again and says a warm and awkward goodbye and shuts the door behind them. He walks back to the kitchen slowly and Phil is just stood there, waiting. His arms are crossed nervously but he’s so beautiful and so good and Dan just feels so lucky that he bursts into tears. It’s ok. For some reason crying in front of Phil doesn’t feel like crying in front of his mum and dad. He knows Phil will take him in his arms and hold him against his chest and let the tears collect on his shirt. He’ll run his fingers through Dan’s kinked morning hair and rub his back and everything will be ok. Because he knows Phil will still be there when it’s over and he won’t laugh at him for being overdramatic or oversensitive or ridiculous. He’s starting to really settle into the knowledge that he can show these parts of himself to Phil and it will only make them stronger.

 

“What’s wrong?” He murmurs into Dan’s hair.

 

“Nothing.”

 

“What did they say?”

 

Dan sniffles, takes a deep breath, tries to get a grip on himself. “They said… they were proud of me.” The realization hits him again, the weaving together of fear and doubt, and then happiness and relief racks through him violently and Phil just takes it, just squeezes his arms tighter and holds space for Dan to release it all.

 

*

 

“Let’s film a video when we get home.” They’re on the train again. Dan is starting to feel like they’re constantly in transit.

 

“For my channel or yours?”

 

Dan shrugs. “Whatever.”

 

Phil chuckles. “It helps to know who has to actually come up with an idea and write a script.”

 

“I meant like, film a video together.”

 

“Oh, really?”

 

Dan nods. “I think you could use a boost from the YouTube superstar that is danisnotonfire,” Dan teases.

 

Phil punches his arm lightly. “Shut up.”

 

“Do you want to?”

 

Phil nods. “Got any ideas?”

 

“No,” Dan admits. “All my ideas are always depressing. I wanna do something fun.”

 

“So what you’re saying is, you want _me_ to come up with the idea?”

 

“Uh huh,” Dan says cheerfully.

 

“You’re lucky I love you, Danny boy.”

 

Dan’s heart skips. He looks at Phil, who looks similarly as gut-punched as Dan feels.

 

“I mean…” Phil stutters.

 

“Yeah, I know, it’s ok,” Dan mumbles back, but his pulse is racing just a little bit. It’s too soon for that, right? Even though the words scream themselves at him every time he looks at Phil’s freckles or remembers the way his eyes look when he first wakes up in the morning? Every time Phil giggles or trips over his own feet?

 

“I’ll think of something, don’t worry,” Phil says, shaking Dan from his reverie. “But you have to promise to do it, no matter how silly it is.”

 

Dan nods. He’d probably agree to anything in this moment.

 

*

 

“How are going to get this off?” Dan moans, staring at the wild smudges of black ink that now adorn his face.

 

“How dare you imply you want to wash my beautiful cat off your face?” Phil reaches out and strokes his thumb over Dan’s splotched chin.

 

“This is not a cat. This is an abomination. At least yours looks vaguely like a living creature.”

 

“We could always take a shower?”

 

Dan laughs. “This was your plan all along wasn’t it?”

 

Phil smiles. “Maybe. Is that a yes?”

 

“Yes, Phil,” Dan agrees. “I’d love to get hot, wet and naked with you.”

 

Phil is stood in the shower, hot water streaming down his chest. Dan stands behind him, slowly lathering shower gel all over Phil’s body, taking care not to miss a single inch of the lovely fair skin in front of him. He thinks it’s probably a little to the left of normal how much time he’s spending worshipping Phil’s form with his soapy hands, but Phil doesn’t seem to mind. He rubs Phil’s back, slides his hand down to Phil’s ass, spreading his fingers over the slippery cheeks and squeezing just a little. It’s new to him—he’s been busy so far, getting to know Phil intimately on the other side. But now he’s here and Phil’s bum is so soft and pretty and he wants to know _all_ of Phil. He slips a finger into the cleft and hears Phil’s sharp intake of breath.

 

“Sorry,” he mumbles, pulling his hand away.

 

“No,” Phil murmurs. “Don’t be. Feels good. Just wasn’t expecting it.”

 

Dan feels braver here, with the sound of the streaming water and the steam fogging his view. He slips his finger between Phil’s cheeks again and rubs gently over the hole. Phil reaches back and takes Dan in his hand.

 

“Hey,” Dan scolds playfully, “was trying to make this about you.”

 

“Sorry,” Phil says, stroking Dan slowly. “Can’t help it, I just want you all the time.”

 

“Me too,” Dan croaks. What Phil’s doing is quickly starting to feel really good. Even a backwards, half-assed handjob from Phil makes his skin crackle with electricity.

 

“Am I clean yet?” Phil asks.

 

Dan wraps his arm around Phil’s waist to grip his cock. “Almost,” he whispers in Phil’s ear, biting the lobe. He moves his hand over Phil for a few minutes, lost in the relaxed, delicious build-up as Phil continues wanking him slow and wet.

 

“Dan? Can we get out now?”

 

“What? Really?”

 

Phil nods.

 

“You don’t wanna finish?”

 

“I do.” His voice is husky. “But there’s something I really wanna do to you and I can’t do it in here.”

 

Dan has to swerve his hips then, pulling himself out of Phil’s hand. He bites down hard on his knuckle, forcing his teeth deep into the skin. He’ll have a bruise tomorrow—he needs the pain to keep from coming right there at Phil’s dirty words and raspy voice.

 

“Fuck, Phil.”

 

“Can I?” Phil asks.

 

Dan nods against Phil’s shoulder. He doesn’t even know what Phil wants to do, but it doesn’t matter. He wants whatever Phil wants. There is nothing but passion and trust between them in moments like this.

 

They towel off and Phil takes Dan’s hand and leads him to his room. He takes Dan’s face in his hands and kisses him. Dan opens his mouth and feels Phil’s tongue brush his. They stay just like this for a while, lips and tongue meeting over and over, unhurried and sweet but Dan feels heat simmering in his gut, building slowly with the knowledge that Phil has something planned—something new he thinks. He shivers.

 

“Tell me if it’s too much, ok?” Phil whispers.

 

Dan nods.

 

Phil walks Dan backwards until the back of his legs meet the edge of the bed. Phil pushes him onto the bed gently and Dan scoots up until his head finds the pillows. Phil crawls on top of him, bringing his lips to Dan’s neck and making good on Dan’s father’s advice to get him back for last night’s hickeys.

 

Once Dan is writhing and bucking up into Phil’s crotch, Phil whispers, “Turn over for me.” Dan’s heart leaps up into his throat, but he’s so hard and so ready to take the next step with this incredible man that he turns over onto his stomach quickly, turning his head to the side to catch his breath. He feels Phil’s lips on his neck, feels Phil move his mouth down wetly and bite the flesh of his shoulder. Phil runs his hands down Dan’s sides as he slowly kisses down his back. Dan’s heart is beating so fast it’s almost a thrum.

 

Then, then Phil’s hands are cupping his ass, squeezing the cheeks gently, so gently. He nudges at Dan’s leg and Dan understands, spreading them wider. He feels Phil lie down in the space between his legs. Phil’s lips kiss his ass cheeks, his teeth grazing the plump flesh and Dan whimpers. It already feels so fucking good.

 

“You ok?” Phil asks softly.

 

All Dan can do is grunt. He’s never been more ok. He’s glad his face is buried in the pillows, glad he doesn’t have to look down and see Phil’s face _there_. It feels almost too much, too close, too intimate. But then Phil is spreading Dan’s cheeks and breathing hot against the sensitive skin there and Dan finds himself arching his back a little, chasing the warmth and then—fuck. Phil licks across the hole and Dan feels like he’s been electrocuted.

 

“Holy fu—” He has to bite his knuckle again.

 

Phil lifts his head. “Ok?”

 

“Yes, fuck, don’t stop, don’t stop, please,” Dan babbles.

 

He buries his face in the pillow again when he feels Phil’s tongue run along his rim, firm, slow and wet. He feels like a virgin all over again. Every flick and lick of Phil’s tongue sends fire searing through his veins. He’s moaning and whimpering quietly into the pillow, trying not to scream for the tingles that are shooting down his legs every time he feels that wet heat on his hole.

 

“Let me hear you,” Phil croaks and bites the soft flesh of Dan’s cheek.

 

Dan turns his head to the side and moans loudly. “God, Phil, fuck.” He brings his hands up to clutch desperately at the pillow.

 

Then he feels the tip of Phil’s tongue press inside him gently and a thumb rub the skin under his balls and the pleasure is so intense that tears prick his eyes and he moans loud and high. It’s different than anything he’s felt before, even with Phil. Phil keeps rubbing with his thumb and moving his tongue in and out and Dan feels warmth blanket him, pressure coiling in the pit of his stomach. On instinct, he grinds himself into the bed once, twice and then he’s coming, so hard he feels the air punch from his lungs. His toes curls and his body twitches and it feels like he’s going to keep coming forever. Phil is gripping the cheeks and licking Dan through it until his body finally relaxes and he melts into the bed, exhausted, completely and utterly spent.

 

He’s about to turn over, look into Phil’s eyes and attempt to communicate the earth shattering experience Phil had just given him when he feels his legs being pushed closed. Phil straddles him, sitting on the backs of Dan’s thighs. Dan is so hazy with the euphoria of his orgasm that he doesn’t register what’s happening until he hears Phil moan, feels him squeeze his cheek again. He turns his head and looks back, sees Phil tugging roughly at himself, eyes closed, chest flushed and he’s beautiful, so beautiful Dan could cry. It takes less than a minute for Phil to cry out and Dan feels wet warmth on his ass as Phil comes. Phil leans down and bites Dan’s shoulder before collapsing next to him.

 

Dan feels too heavy to move. He’s lying in his own mess and can feel Phil’s sliding down his cheeks but it doesn’t matter, all he wants to so is lie here and watch Phil catch his breath. Eventually Phil turns over to him and kisses his mouth and pants, “God, that was hot. You’re so fucking hot, Dan.”

 

“Why have you been keeping that from me this whole time?” Dan croaks.

 

Phil grins. “You like it?”

 

Dan rolls his eyes. “No, I fucking hated it. God, Phil, I never want to do anything else ever again.”

 

“I might have to change my answer next time Charlie asks me my favourite sex act,” Phil mumbles against Dan’s lips, kissing him again. “That was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.”

 

Dan smiles, feels his face flush. He shifts his body a little and is reminded anew how gross and sticky he actually is. “Phil, I kind of ruined your sheets.”

 

“That’s ok, we can sleep in yours tonight.”


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've decided that physical progression of their relationship is important for me to document so if that's really not your thing, the second half of this chapter may not be for you. for everyone else, enjoy :)

“Dan… Dan, wake up.”

 

Dan rolls over, pulls the blanket up over his head. “Mmm, don’t wanna.”

 

Phil shuffles closer and spoons Dan’s body. “Don’t you have work?”

 

“Maybe.”

 

“You need to shower.” He bites Dan’s shoulder.

 

“Ow. Rude.” Dan reaches back to swat Phil away.

 

Phil chuckles. “Sorry, but you do. Remember last night?”

 

Dan turns over then, looks at Phil’s cheeky grin. His mind flashes back to the mind-numbing sensation of Phil’s tongue licking him over, the force with which his orgasm had slammed into him, the sticky aftermath all over Phil’s bed—yeah, he fucking remembers.

 

“Does it always feel like that?”

 

“I don’t know,” Phil laughs. “I didn’t feel it.”

 

“Fuck off,” Dan says, his smile wide. “Seriously, like… how the fuck did you do that?”

 

Phil leans forward and bites Dan’s lip. Dan is learning that Phil really likes to bite. “It’s not like it’s hard, Dan. You’re pretty easy to please.”

 

“Shut up!”

 

“It’s true!” He’s properly laughing now. “Practically every time I touch you, you moan.”

 

Dan tucks his face into Phil’s neck, embarrassed. “Shut up,” he mumbles.

 

“I’m not complaining. It’s hot.”

 

With his face hidden, Dan feels a little braver, like he can say the awkward things he really does want to say. “Has anyone ever done that to you?”

 

“You’re not gonna get weird and jealous are you?”

 

Dan considers his answer for a minute. He doesn’t think he is, but he wouldn’t put it past himself. Sometimes he just can’t be held responsible for the emotions his own brain throws at him. He shakes his head.

 

“Well then, yeah,” Phil admits. “It’s pretty standard, really.”

 

“Is it?” Dan asks.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“So it doesn’t make me like…” he trails off.

 

“What?” Phil’s tone has shifted, like he knows—knows that Dan kind of needs to talk about this, even though he doesn’t really want to.

 

“I don’t know how to say it without being, like, problematic.”

 

Phil looks into his eyes then. “It’s just us here, Dan. You can say anything to me.”

 

“I just don’t know how to do this, really… like, how it works with… guys,” Dan mutters.

 

“You’re doing a pretty good job so far,” Phil says softly, wrapping an arm around Dan’s waist.

 

Dan buries his face between Phil’s neck and the pillow. “But how do you know, like, who does what?”

 

“Oh.” Phil says, recognition in his tone. “Are you asking if this makes you a bottom?”

 

Dan cringes, but nods.

 

“Dan.” Phil pulls back to look at Dan’s face. “You don’t have to _be_ anything. It doesn’t really work like that. I mean it can, if that’s what you want, but you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

 

Dan doesn’t say anything at first. He needs to think about what he wants to say. “What if I do, though?”

 

“Do what?” Phil’s brows are furrowed in confusion.

 

“Want to.” He knows he’s not making this easy for Phil but he just can’t seem to articulate himself right now.

 

“Want to what, Dan? Bottom?”

 

Dan bites his lip, looks away. He nods.

 

“Then we will,” Phil says simply.

 

“So I’m a bottom.”

 

“Dan, can I ask you something?”

 

He nods.

 

“Do you wanna fuck me?”

 

Dan splutters. “What?”

 

“Do you?” Phil asks calmly. “Think about it. Is that something you’d like to do someday?”

 

Dan thinks about it, about how good he knows it feels to be inside someone you love. Love? Fuck. He shouldn’t have initiated this conversation so early in the morning. It’s ok, he thinks, Phil can’t actually hear his thoughts, even though sometimes it feels like he can. He pictures Phil underneath him, imagines pushing himself into Phil’s body. He nods.

 

“Then you’re not a bottom.”

 

“Would you want to do that?” Dan asks quietly.

 

“I want to do everything with you, Dan.”

 

*

 

“Work is bullshit.” He flops onto the sofa next to Phil, who’s doing something on his laptop.

 

“So you had a good day, then?” Phil laughs.

 

“Can I just quit my job and make videos for a living? I hate going outside and talking to people.”

 

“Would you actually wanna do that?” Phil looks up from the screen.

 

“Uhh, I dunno.” He kicks off his shoes. “Would you?”

 

“I already do.” He closes his laptop and sets it aside, then grabs Dan’s feet, placing them in his lap.

 

“Oh, right.” Phil starts rubbing Dan’s feet, digging his thumbs into the soles in soothing circles.

 

“You know, you could, if you wanted to.”

 

“You think?”

 

Phil nods. “I think we could do it. We just need to make sure we’re both putting up videos like once a week.”

 

“You’re serious?”

 

Phil shrugs. “I’m just saying, if you really want to, we could try to make it work.”

 

Dan pulls his feet out of Phil’s lap and crawls across the sofa. He straddles Phil’s hips to sit in his lap, draping his arms over Phil’s shoulders and wrapping his hands around the back of his neck. “How are you real?”

 

Phil tilts his head up, kisses Dan’s chin. “We’ve been over this—I’m not, I’m a robot.”

 

“Oh yeah.” He leans down and kisses Phil gently.

 

“You better get off me unless you want a repeat of last night,” Phil warns.

 

Dan grinds himself into Phil’s crotch. “Is that a joke?”

 

“No, I’ve been thinking about it all day if I’m honest.”

 

“Me too,” Dan admits. “Kind of awkward to walk around a DIY shop with a boner all day, so thanks for that.”

 

“You’re welcome.” Phil smirks.

 

“What did you do all day? I mean besides think about my sexy butt?”

 

Phil runs his hands up Dan’s thighs and gives them a little squeeze. “I edited our video.”

 

“Oh, right.” After all that had happened last night Dan had nearly forgotten they’d actually filmed a video together. “Did you put it up?”

 

“Not yet. I wanted to make sure you watched it first.”

 

“Why? I think I trust your editing skills by now, Phil.”

 

“Just do me a favour and watch it, ok?”

 

“Fine.” Dan rolls his eyes and climbs out of Phil’s lap.

 

Phil picks up his laptop and clicks play. The video is less than three minutes long, but the story it tells is hard to miss. The fondness that radiates off the screen is almost painful. All they’re doing is drawing cats on each other’s faces while blindfolded, but Dan can tell that anyone who watches this video will be hard pressed to miss the subtext beneath his blush, his giggles, his ridiculous dimpled cheeks.

 

“We look like we’re about to kiss the whole time,” Dan murmurs. Honestly, he’s mesmerized—by the way he looks at Phil, the way Phil looks at him, the way every touch looks intimate and practiced in a way he’d never taken note of. He knows how Phil makes him feel—he just hadn’t realized it was so bloody obvious to everyone else as well.

 

“We were,” Phil replies softly.

 

“Right.”

 

“I thought I’d be able to edit it in a way that didn’t make that so obvious.” Phil puts the laptop on the coffee table once the video has played through.

 

They’re both quiet. It feels like an important decision looms over them, like they’re standing in the sand with a stick and they need to decide right now where they’re going to draw their line. What if the line Dan wants to draw is too far for Phil? Or too close?

 

“Do you not want to put it up?” Dan asks quietly.

 

“I do.”

 

“You do?

 

Phil nods. “It’s just a video, right?”

 

Dan looks into Phil’s eyes, knows he has to ask. “Do you not want people to know?”

 

“About us?” Phil asks, keeping his eyes locked on Dan’s.

 

Dan nods.

 

“Do you?”

 

Dan chuckles then. “For fuck’s sake, Phil. One of us has to actually say something here.”

 

“I know.” Phil pushes his glasses up, fiddles with his fringe. “I think… I think I don’t really want people to know.”

 

Dan feels his stomach drop. It hadn’t been the answer he’d expected. “Oh. Ok.”

 

“Dan.”

 

“No, really, Phil, it’s ok.”

 

Dan gasps a little when Phil plonks himself into Dan’s lap. “Dan. Will you listen to me please?”

 

Dan looks up at Phil’s intense expression, nods.

 

“I like you. A lot. Ok? You’re the best person in the world and I’m so happy to have you in my life.”

 

Dan can’t help but smile just a little bit.

 

“And,” Phil continues, “I really like making videos with you.”

 

“Me too,” Dan croaks.

 

“And it seems like people like the videos we make.”

 

Dan nods. It really does.

 

“But I think… I think it’d be better if we kept those two things separate.”

 

“So,” Dan says, trying to keep his voice from breaking, “You don’t want to make videos together anymore?”

 

“I do.”

 

Dan sighs. “I don’t get it, Phil. You don’t want people to know we’re together, but you want to keep making videos together?”

 

Phil nods.

 

“Even though it looks like I’m about to jump you the whole time?”

 

Phil laughs. “It really does, doesn’t it?”

 

“Yeah. Probably because I wanted to,” Dan smiles.

 

“Me too,” Phil admits.

 

“Then… why don’t you want people to know?” Dan hates the insecurity his voice betrays.

 

Phil leans down and plants a kiss on Dan’s lips. “Remember that horrible comment you got on your first video?”

 

Dan nods. He doesn’t think he’ll ever forget.

 

“We’ll keep getting those, only they’ll be worse. And they’ll be about us, about… this,” he says, sliding his hands up the sides of Dan’s face and into his hair. “People will say nasty, horrible things about us. They’ll ask personal questions, they’ll say things like ‘Dan is obviously the girl’ or ‘Dan could do way better.’”

 

Dan cringes.

 

“They’ll get to you,” Phil says simply.

 

Dan can’t argue with that. He knows it’s true the moment Phil says it. “What about you?”

 

“I don’t really care what people say. They don’t know me. And I’d like to keep it that way. But you care.”

 

Dan opens his mouth to argue, but Phil kisses him again before he can. “You care and it bothers you. And I don’t want anything to get in the way of us.”

 

Dan kisses back, opening his mouth to Phil’s, trying to convey his agreement with his lips and his tongue. Eventually he pulls away and says breathlessly, “I don’t want to lie.”

 

“We don’t have to,” Phil concedes. “We just won’t say anything. We’ll present ourselves as flatmates… because we are. It’s not a lie.”

 

Dan’s chest tightens a little. He’d told himself those same words when he’d brought Phil down to Wokingham, and look how long he’d stuck to them.

 

“I don’t want you to get scared again,” Phil whispers, pressing his forehead against Dan’s. “I don’t want to lose you.”

 

Dan feels emotion well up thick in his throat, remembering how he’d run away the second things got hard. He realizes then that Phil has every right to feel a little scared right now. He promises himself he’ll never make Phil feel that way again, like Dan cares more about what strangers say on the internet than what he knows to be true.

 

“You won’t, Phil. I promise.”

 

Phil kisses him then, hard—maybe harder than he ever has before. He licks into Dan’s mouth and grinds down into Dan’s lap. Honestly, it scares Dan a little, the intensity of it.

 

“Phil?” Dan grabs Phil’s face and pulls it back a little.

 

“What?”

 

“You won’t, ok?”

 

Phil puts his hands over Dan’s and nods.

 

“Come on,” Dan says, nudging Phil off his lap. “Let’s go shower.”

 

Phil laughs. “Again? Didn’t you shower this morning?”

 

“Yeah, but not with you.”

 

They stand up and Dan laces their fingers together and leads Phil to the bathroom. They take their time kissing softly, undressing each other with trembling fingers. Dan doesn’t quite know why, but he’s nervous. It feels like they’ve taken a huge step, like he’s sinking so deep so quick now and it’s terrifying. He’s terrified by the words he didn’t say, terrified by how badly he’d wanted to say them.

 

The hot water helps. He stands in front of the spray as Phil works his big sudsy hands up and down Dan’s whole body. Once he’s clean and rinsed, they switch, Phil facing the streaming water, Dan standing behind him. He lathers his hands with Phil’s musky sweet soap and runs them across Phil’s shoulders, down his chest, his stomach, down until he reaches Phil’s soft cock. He bites Phil’s shoulder, not caring when the sharp taste of the soap explodes on his tongue. He presses his chest into Phil’s back and licks lightly into his ear, wrapping his hand around Phil’s already hardening dick. He slowly strokes it over a few times, but something about being in the shower makes Dan want Phil in a different way. He moves his soapy hands back to slide over the silky skin of Phil’s ass.

 

Phil sighs and drops his head back onto Dan’s shoulder. Dan splays his fingers against Phil’s cheeks, squeezing, marvelling at the satin smoothness of Phil’s pale skin. He runs a finger down the cleft and lightly over the rim. He listens, waits for any sign of resistance from Phil but finds none. He puts his lips to Phil’s ear. “Can I?”

 

Phil nods.

 

“Do you have…”

 

“Medicine cabinet,” Phil answers.

 

“Be right back.” Dan steps out carefully, taking a few steps and reaching his long arm out to grab the small bottle from the cabinet.

 

He steps back in, uncaps the bottle. The steamy air fills with the scent of cherry as soon as he coats his fingers in the slippery liquid. “Really, Phil? Cherry?”

 

Phil chuckles. “You like it.”

 

Dan wraps an arm around Phil’s waist and pulls him closer, slipping a slicked up finger between Phil’s cheeks again. “I don’t really know… I don’t want to hurt you…” He rubs over Phil’s hole and feels him shiver.

 

“It’s ok, I’ll tell you,” Phil assures.

 

“Are you sure? We don’t have to—”

 

“Dan. I want to. I really do. It’s ok. You won’t hurt me.”

 

Dan buries his face in Phil’s neck. His stomach is fluttering but he wants this, he wants to feel Phil this way. He coats his finger again, just to be sure, and rubs all around the rim, slicking it up and feeling it flutter. “Ok?”

 

“Really ok,” Phil croaks.

 

He bites down lightly on Phil’s shoulder and slowly presses the tip of his finger inside of Phil. It’s so tight, even tighter than he’d imagined. He can feel the ring of muscle squeezing his finger and he thinks there’s no way he can push in any further.

 

“Keep going.”

 

“You sure?”

 

“Dan, I’m fucking sure, I promise you won’t hurt me. I want it, I want you, please.”

 

So he pushes in further, slowly further, feeling the muscles flutter until he’s in all the way up to the second knuckle.

 

“Wait a minute,” Phil whispers. Dan grips Phil’s hip and waits. “Ok,” he says after a minute.

 

“Ok?”

 

Phil nods.

 

“What do I do?” Dan can’t help but laugh at the utter absurdity of himself. He’s painfully hard and wants to make Phil feel good, but he doesn’t know how.

 

“Fuck me with your finger,” Phil says, voice husky. “Please, Dan.”

 

Dan doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to hearing Phil moaning such filth. It’s so hot and dirty that it chases away all the awkwardness and uncertainty and Dan does as he’s told. He pulls his finger back and presses in again, still slowly but with more insistence. Phil groans. Dan pulls back and presses forward again and again, revelling in the feeling of the tight squeeze on his finger loosening a little with every push.

 

Eventually Phil says, “Another,” and Dan understands. He works a second finger in slowly and carefully. He doesn’t know if he should move faster, but he likes it like this—unhurried and deliberate, he can feel everything as he sinks into Phil deeper every time. He certainly hasn’t heard any complaints, only breathy moans and quiet whimpers.

 

Phil lets out a particularly sexy moan and Dan feels his stomach swoop. The more he works Phil open, the less he can stop himself from wondering how it would feel to be inside Phil properly. Truth be told, he’d not been able to stop picturing it ever since Phil had placed the image in his mind that morning.

 

“Phil?” He asks, wrapping a hand around his own dick.

 

Phil grunts.

 

“I want you. Wanna be inside you.”

 

He pulls his fingers out then and rubs the head against Phil’s hole. “Can I?” He whispers.

 

“God, yes,” Phil moans, without even a moment of hesitation.

 

“Are you… clean?” Dan asks.

 

Phil nods. “You?”

 

“Yeah… do you want me to wear a condom?”

 

“No.”

 

Dan doesn’t know why but the immediacy of Phil’s answer sends a rush of heat searing through him. He grabs the little bottle and coats himself with the sickly sweet-smelling lube. He rubs the excess over Phil again, just to be safe.

 

He leans forward, pressing his forehead into Phil’s back. He grips his cock and lines up the head against Phil’s rim.

 

“Go slow at first,” Phil says and Dan nods.

 

“Ready?” Dan asks, voice shaky.

 

“Yes, Dan,” Phil rasps. “Wanna feel you inside me.”

 

It’s almost too much. He pushes forward then, painfully slowly, watching in awe as the head of his cock disappears inside Phil. The heat and the squeeze of Phil’s muscles is like nothing he’s ever felt, nothing like being with a girl. He hates to think that but it’s true. Phil is new—new and wonderful and overwhelmingly right. He has to clench seemingly every muscle in his body to stop himself from thrusting his full length deep inside the tight heat of Phil’s body. Instead he squeezes Phil’s hip and bites his knuckle and presses in a millimetre at a time for what feels like an eternity, until he’s bottomed out and his eyes roll back a little and he chokes out, “Ok?”

 

“Just a sec,” Phil says and Dan can feel the muscles fluttering around him and he knows he's not going to last long. “Ok,” Phil whispers.

 

Dan tries to distract himself from the overwhelming sensation of his cock dragging against Phil’s walls by whispering hot sweet words into Phil’s ear. “You feel so good, Phil, God, nothing feels like you.” He’s still thrusting so slowly and carefully, both afraid of hurting Phil and of coming way too soon.

 

“Touch me,” Phil moans and Dan wraps a hand around him. They find a slow steady rhythm of push and pull until Phil says, “Harder,” and as soon as Dan submits he knows he done for. It only takes a minute of hard thrusting before Dan feels that familiar heat low in his gut. “Phil, I’m sorry, I’m gonna come,” he pants. “Do you want me to…”

 

“I want you to come inside me, Dan,” Phil moans. “But not yet.” He bats Dan’s hand out of the way and takes himself in his hand, tugging fast and rough.

 

Dan bites down into his knuckle, hard, slowing his thrusts just a little, desperate to dull the pleasure as much as he can. He wants to give Phil what he’d asked for.

 

“Harder, harder, I’m gonna come,” Phil pants and Dan can’t help it anymore—he thrusts up hard and hears Phil cry out, feels Phil clench around him so tightly that it brings him right back to the edge. “Come for me, Dan,” Phil growls and that’s all he needs. He pushes into Phil one more time and then he’s coming too, breath ripped from his lungs, head spinning.

 

He pulls out and slumps forward onto Phil’s back and they both stand there panting for what feels like forever.

 

“Fuck,” Dan mutters.

 

“So romantic,” Phil chuckles.

 

“I need to get out of here before my legs give out.”

 

*

 

They lie in Dan’s bed after, legs intertwined, tangled up in the sheets and each other.

 

“Phil?”

 

“Hmm?” They’re both half asleep and hazy.

 

“There’s something I wanna say.”

 

“K,” Phil mumbles into the pillow.

 

“I think it may be too soon, though.”

 

“Mmm.”

 

Phil’s not really awake, Dan thinks. “Are you awake?”

 

“No,” Phil sighs.

 

Dan smiles. He leans forward and kisses Phil’s forehead.

 

“In that case, I love you.”

 

Phil opens his eyes and looks right into Dan’s.

 

“Hey! I thought you weren’t awake!” Dan squeals, panicking.

 

“Well, I am,” he says softly. “And I love you too.”


	23. Chapter 23

When Dan wakes up, he rolls over to nuzzle into Phil only to find the other half of the bed empty. It’s been a while since he’d woken up alone. He yawns, stretches, checks his phone. There’s a message from Phil.

 

**_Phil_ ** _: if you don’t wake up soon i’m gonna come back in there and jump on you_

 

Dan giggles.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: alright, alright, i’m coming_

 

He grabs the first crumpled up jumper he sees on the floor and throws it on, along with some clean pants. He runs his fingers through the rumpled nest of curls atop his head. Showering late at night does nothing to help his hair situation, and he’d been too blissed out to even think about trying to straighten it last night anyway. It’s possible he may be starting to hate it a little less, knowing how much Phil delights in coiling those curls around his fingers.

 

He pads into the kitchen to see Phil stood over the stove. He turns and smiles when he hears Dan behind him. His hair is pushed back and his glasses are low on his nose and it looks like it’s been a few days since he shaved. Dan wonders how it’s possible that he looks gorgeous as ever, even like this.

 

“Morning.” Phil’s gruff voice sends memories of last night rushing through Dan’s head. The hot water, the taste of Phil’s wet skin, the feel of him as Dan pressed himself forward…

 

“Morning,” Dan mumbles, feeling the heat in his cheeks. He shouldn’t feel nervous—not a day has gone by since his birthday that they haven’t explored each other’s bodies in one way or another. But last night had been so spontaneous, so overwhelming, so _new_. A lot had happened last night, and not all of it a result of hormones and desire. They hadn’t had the energy to talk about much of anything after their incredibly transformative shower experience.

 

“You’re not working today are you?” Phil flips a pancake clumsily, spilling some batter over the edge of the pan and onto the stove. “Crap.”

 

“No. Need some help there, mate?” Dan chuckles. He bumps Phil’s hip with his own.

 

“No, Daniel, I’m making you breakfast like a good boyfriend.”

 

Dan smiles. He doesn’t know why, considering all they’d got up to recently, but it still feels a little weird to think of Phil as his boyfriend. “Like, a morning after breakfast? Shouldn’t I be the one cooking for you?”

 

“Oh, shut up. Go make me a coffee.”

 

Dan gives Phil a little two finger salute. “Yes, sir.”

 

Once the pancakes are cooked and the coffee is made Dan says, “Balcony?”

 

Phil shakes his head, “Sofa.”

 

Dan frowns. They’d gotten into a morning routine of breakfast on the balcony.

 

“I wanna watch something,” Phil says, moving toward the lounge.

 

“Is my conversation that boring?” Dan teases.

 

“Yes. You bore me to death, I can barely stand to be around you. I regret the day you moved in here.”

 

“Me too.” Dan flicks on the tv. “Adventure Time?”

 

Phil nods. He sits down then, and Dan sees him wince, hears him quietly suck in his breath.

 

“What’s wrong?” Dan asks, tone betraying the anxiety he feels inside.

 

“Uh, nothing, it’s nothing,” Phil says dismissively, crossing his legs and sitting on his feet. “I’m fine.”

 

“Phil,” Dan says, worriedly. “Did I hurt you?”

 

“No, of course not, Dan. I’m fine, really. I’m just a little bit sore, is all.”

 

“So I did hurt you.” His chest tightens. He’d thought it’d been good for Phil too. Panic simmers in his gut.

 

“Did it seem like you were hurting me?” Phil says, grabbing Dan’s hand and pulling him down to sit in the space beside him.

 

“Well, no. But I was a little distracted…”

 

“I told you I’d tell you.” He cups Dan’s chin and looks into his eyes. “Trust me, it did not hurt.” If Dan wasn’t on the verge of tears he might have found that hot. “It’s normal to be a little bit sore the next day if you haven’t been… prepping.” Phil rubs over the back of Dan’s hand with his thumb.

 

“I thought I did prep you?” Dan says quietly.

 

“Yeah, you did. That’s why I’m only a _little bit_ sore.”

 

“I don’t get it.” He looks down at their intertwined fingers.

 

“I haven’t been prepped at all in a long time,” Phil says, a little self-consciously.

 

“The word ‘prep’ has lost all meaning, now,” Dan chuckles. “Why are we so awkward? I can finger you in the shower but I can’t talk about it the next day?”

 

Phil blushes and it’s lovely, the splash of pink on his pale cheeks.

 

“You’re really ok?” Dan asks.

 

“I’m more than ok, Dan. Last night was amazing.” His voice has gone soft. “For me, anyway.”

 

“Oh, fuck off, Phil,” Dan laughs. “You know it was for me too.”

 

“Really?” Phil asks, but he’s smiling wide.

 

“Yes, obviously, you absolute cheeky shit.” He can’t help giving Phil’s shoulder a little shove. “Did you not notice how fast I came?”

 

“Well, you still lasted longer than me.”

 

It’s Dan’s turn to blush, though he’d bet it doesn’t look as pretty as when Phil does it. He’s remembering now the feeling of being inside Phil when he came. It isn’t proper breakfast conversation, this.

 

“I’m sorry if it was, like, sudden. I wasn’t planning on doing that or anything, I just… I really wanted you,” Dan mumbles.

 

“I told you, Dan. I want to do everything with you.” He lets go of Dan’s hand, reaches for his plate. “I’m glad you’re setting the pace. That’s what I want.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because otherwise we’d never leave my bed and we’d both be sore for real.” He says it so calmly.

 

Dan bites his lip. “Fuck, Phil.”

 

Phil’s just shoved an enormous bite of pancake into his mouth. “Wha?”

 

“You can’t just say stuff like that.”

 

“Why not?”

 

Dan just shakes his head, smiling.

 

“You look cute today, by the way,” Phil says, reaching out and flicking one of Dan’s curls. “I love these.”

 

“You look sexy,” Dan blurts.

 

Phil grins.

 

“What? You do. I think I may be developing a glasses kink and it’s all your fault. You need to leave those on next time.”

 

“Maybe I will,” Phil muses.

 

They lapse into comfortable silence then, drinking their coffee and watching Finn and Jake. Eventually Dan’s mind drifts. They still hadn’t mentioned what had happened after the shower, their sleepy post-coital confessions whispered in the darkness.

 

“Hey Phil?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“Did you mean what you said last night?” He stares straight ahead. He can’t bring himself to look over at Phil.

 

Phil reaches over and slips his hand into Dan’s again. “Of course.”

 

“Me too.” His voice is quiet

 

Phil pauses—maybe only for a moment but it feels to Dan like a long time. “I’ve never said that to anyone before.” Phil is looking down at their hands.

 

Dan doesn’t know what to say. He _has_ said it. But it’s never felt like this. Dan lifts Phil’s hand up to his lips and plants a kiss on the soft skin of his knuckles.

 

Phil’s phone buzzes.

 

“Charlie says if I don’t hang out with him soon he’s going to disown me as his friend,” Phil says, smiling down at the screen in his hand.

 

Dan feels a flash of some emotion he’d rather not put a name to. He ignores it, smiles at Phil. “We wouldn’t want that would we?”

 

“I mean, we do kind of have him to thank for our new careers.”

 

“Why don’t you just tell him to come ‘round?”

 

“Today?” Phil asks.

 

“Why not?”

 

Phil smirks. “I was kind of hoping we’d be spending most of today naked in my bed.”

 

Dan snorts. “Did you wash your sheets yet?”

 

“Ok fine, your bed then.”

 

“You’re terrible,” Dan laughs, shaking his head and grinning fondly.

 

“Or am I… _amazing_?”

 

“Definitely terrible.”

 

“Fair enough,” Phil chuckles.

 

*

 

A few hours later they’re making out on the couch when the doorbell rings. Phil whines against Dan’s neck. “We should have stuck to my plan.”

 

Dan laughs, pushing a little on Phil’s shoulders. “Don’t worry, Lester, I’ll still be here when he leaves.”

 

Phil makes grabby hands at Dan when he finally manages to wriggle out from underneath Phil. “Promise?”

 

“Of course, you spoon.” He holds his hand out to help Phil up. “I live here.”

 

“Oh, right.”

 

“Go open the door for your friend,” he laughs. “I need the toilet.”

 

When Dan returns to the lounge, Charlie is sat next to Phil on the couch— _right_ next to Phil, without a millimetre of space between them. Their shoulders are pressed together as they hunch over Phil’s sticker-covered laptop.

 

“Oh, hi Dan,” Charlie says, looking up when Dan clears his throat. “Still gorgeous as ever, then.”

 

Dan doesn’t want to think about why the smile he gives Charlie is a forced one. “What’re you watching?”

 

“I’m showing him the video,” Phil says, looking up.

 

“The cat face video?” The surprise in his voice is evident. For some reason, even though they’d been planning on uploading it to YouTube for presumably thousands of people to watch, it feels like a violation for Charlie to be viewing it now.

 

Phil nods. Dan sits down on the sofa and watches Charlie’s reactions out of the corner of his eye. Hearing his and Phil’s giggles while seeing the video through Charlie’s eyes makes him feel even more vulnerable, like a very tiny piece of his soul has been laid bare. It all feels too real now.

 

Once the video has ended, Phil leans forward and places his laptop on the coffee table.

 

“Bloody hell, lads.” Charlie claps his hand down on Phil’s thigh. “That was some sappy shit.”

 

“Damn,” Phil sighs. “I thought maybe it was just me.”

 

“Nope. You definitely look like boyfriends.”

 

Before Dan can stop himself, he blurts, “What’s wrong with that?”

 

Charlie and Phil turn their heads in unison to look at him, eyes wide. Perhaps his tone had been slightly more defensive than it needed to be.

 

“Uh, nothing,” Charlie says cautiously. “If you don’t mind people knowing.”

 

“You think they’ll know? Like, for sure?” Phil asks, brows furrowed.

 

Dan’s chest feels tight. He shouldn’t be feeling this. They’d talked about this all last night. He’d agreed with Phil, the internet doesn’t need to know their personal business. He knows this and yet—it hurts. It hurts him to see how just the implication that they might be together distresses Phil. Especially after what Dan had confessed to him last night.

 

“Who fucking cares, right?” Charlie exclaims. “People are gonna say dumb shit regardless.”

 

“I guess…” Phil folds his arms over his chest. Dan’s tempted to lean forward and publish the video right then and there.

 

“It’s a cute video. People are gonna love it. You should definitely post it on your channel, Philly.”

 

Phil looks over at Dan, one eyebrow raised questioningly.

 

Dan shrugs. “I thought we already talked about this.”

 

Charlie and Phil share a look. Dan notices.

 

“Ok…” Phil says uncertainly.

 

“Post it,” Dan says firmly. He lets anger colour his tone just a little bit. He honestly hopes Phil picks up on it.

 

“Well, then,” Charlie says awkwardly. His hand is still on Phil’s thigh. “Who needs a drink?”

 

“It’s three o’clock in the afternoon, Charlie,” Phil scolds.

 

“So what? I’m all grown up, Phil.” His voice is flirtatious. “I can do whatever I want.”

 

“I don’t think—”

 

“I’ll have a drink,” Dan interjects, standing up quickly. “I think there’s some Malibu in the fridge.”

 

He walks to the kitchen and grabs the booze and three shot glasses. He takes a few deep breaths, waits a moment before returning to the lounge. He has no reason to be acting this much like a lunatic. Phil loves him. Phil wants to protect him, to protect what they have. Phil doesn’t have feelings for Charlie anymore. Charlie flirts with everyone. Dan knows these things. It’s just a little hard to remember when Phil balks at the idea of publishing their video, when Charlie’s hand is squeezing Phil’s thigh.

 

Dan puts the shot glasses down and unscrews the bottle cap. He fills all three sloppily, spilling more than a little rum on the table. Then he picks one up, brings it to his lips and knocks the whole thing back. He puts his glass back down, walks around the table and plonks himself down right in Phil’s lap.

 

“That shit is kinda gross,” Dan says, wiping his lips. Phil looks surprised, but wraps his arms around Dan’s waist.

 

“It is when you drink it like that,” Charlie mutters. “But I’m impressed. I honestly thought you were a bit of lightweight after last time.”

 

“I am.” Dan slings an arm around the back of Phil’s neck. “I’m already half drunk. You guys need to catch up.”

 

“You’re a bad influence on this one, Charlie,” Phil admonishes playfully. He picks up one of the shot glasses and takes a sip, wincing.

 

“Well you’ll have me to thank if you get lucky later, Philly.”

 

Phil smirks. Dan stifles a giggle.

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing,” Phil singsongs teasingly.

 

Charlie pouts. “Tell me. Wait, did you guys…”

 

Dan shrugs coyly. Phil buries his face in Dan’s chest.

 

Charlie claps his hands together. “Ok, bitches, more shots. I want to hear everything.”

 

“No!” Phil cries, covering his smiling mouth with his hands.

 

“Drink!” Charlie commands, and they all take another shot.

 

Charlie keeps asking and Phil keeps refusing. They keep drinking. It’s fun now, now that Dan has Phil beneath him, arms wrapped around his waist. Now that Charlie’s hands are being kept to himself.

 

“Phil,” Charlie whines, and it sounds shockingly similar to the way Dan sometimes moans Phil’s name. “I need the sordid details, _please_. You whinged to me about wanting this boy for so long, you can’t leave me hanging now.”

 

Phil’s face goes bright red. Dan grins.

 

“Did you blow him?” Charlie looks at Phil. Phil shrugs. “Oh my god!”

He looks at Dan then. “Isn’t he amazing at that?”

 

Dan’s stomach drops. He doesn’t want that image in his head, Phil’s mouth on someone else, someone else’s hands gripping Phil’s hair.

 

“Wait, wait,” Charlie says, oblivious to Dan’s sudden surge of discomfort. “Phil… did you eat him out?”

 

Dan looks at Phil, who’s biting his lip, smiling guiltily.

 

“Oh my god! You dirty bastard! Remember that time—”

 

“Oi,” Dan says loudly then. “He’s mine.”

 

Charlie looks properly stunned. Phil does too—for a moment. Then he pulls Dan’s face down and kisses him hard and Dan tastes the rum on his lips. He licks into Phil’s mouth, forgetting completely about Phil’s ex-whatever sat right next to them. Dan’s drunk and he knows Phil is too and all he wants to do is throw Phil down on the nearest surface and sink deep inside him again.

 

“Well, shit,” Charlie mutters. “Should I leave?”

 

Dan shivers as Phil’s deep voice growls out just one word.

 

“Yes.”


	24. Chapter 24

“I was joking…” Charlie says in disbelief.

 

“I wasn’t.” Phil isn’t looking at Charlie. He’s worked his hands up under Dan’s shirt and is stroking a thumb over Dan’s nipple. “I’ll call you later.”

 

“You’re not serious?” Charlie whines. “You’re kicking me out so you can fuck your boyfriend?”

 

“No.” Phil does look at Charlie then. “I’m kicking you out so he can fuck me.”

 

“Jesus, Phil.” Charlie shakes his head.

 

“You can stay and watch if you want,” Dan says. It’s petty and immature, but right now he doesn’t care because that’s exactly how he feels. His mind is fuzzy from the rum—he’s too drunk to reel in the anger and the jealousy.

 

“Alright, alright, I’m going.” He gets up off the couch and walks to the door. Before he opens it he looks back at Phil and says, “Call me later? Please?”

 

Dan bristles hearing the hint of desperation in Charlie’s tone. “He’ll call you later.” His voice isn’t exactly kind. Charlie leaves without another word.

 

“Where do you want me?” Phil mumbles against the bare skin of Dan’s side. “Shower again?”

 

Dan laughs. “Fuck no. That was risky enough the first time. It’s a miracle neither of us slipped and broke our necks in there.”

 

“Bed?

 

Dan nods. He gets up off Phil’s lap and grabs his hand, leading him towards Dan’s bedroom. Phil lets go of Dan’s hand when they reach the bathroom. “Give me a minute,” he says sheepishly. “I’ll meet you in your bed.” He tries to wink but ends up just blinking dramatically.

 

Dan laughs, shaking his head. “I’ll be there.” He can’t resist indulging Phil’s corniness.

 

Once in his room, he strips off his clothes and climbs under his duvet. He lays his head down on the pillow and closes his eyes and it’s not until then he realizes his head is spinning. He might be more buzzed than he’d thought. His thoughts quickly flash back to Charlie—his hand on Phil’s thigh, his careless words and the unwelcome images they’d formed in Dan’s head. He squeezes his eyes shut tighter, trying to push these images out, when he feels Phil crawl under the duvet at the foot of the bed.

 

All Dan’s thoughts are blissfully erased when Phil takes Dan into his mouth. Phil’s head bobs slowly and Dan runs his fingers through the silky hair, sighing. He tugs on Phil’s shirt only a few minutes later. “You have to stop or we won’t be able to do anything else.”

 

Dan feels Phil pop off under the covers, then crawl up his body to kiss him deeply, tongue brushing along Dan’s bottom lip. Dan’s eyes are closed and his head is swimming, but he can feel Phil straddling his hips and he smells cherry. He runs his hand down Phil’s arm, which is reached back behind his own body. “What are you doing?”

 

“Prepping,” Phil breathes against Dan’s lips.

 

Dan’s stomach swoops. “Fuck. Do you want me to—”

 

“No. Wanna get it over with quick. Wanna sit on your cock.”

 

Dan throws his arm over his eyes. It’s too much, too hot when Phil talks like that. “Hurry up then,” he groans.

 

Dan feels Phil’s slippery hand grip his dick and coat it in cherry. He keeps his arm flung across his face. He kind of likes the way every touch feels electric because he can’t see it coming.

 

“Ready?” Phil’s lips are on his ear, breathing hot and low and Dan shivers as he nods. “Are you gonna look at me?” Dan shakes his head and Phil chuckles.

 

Then, there is tight heat enveloping him as Phil sinks himself down slowly. When he’s bottomed out, Phil pauses a minute before grinding himself against Dan. Dan cries out and grips Phil’s hips forcefully. He looks up at Phil, who’s smirking. “Got you to look.”

 

“Shut up and ride me.”

 

Phil’s expression darkens with lust and there are no more words exchanged between them for a while, just breathy sighs and sharp moans. Phil’s hands are splayed against Dan’s chest and Dan is still gripping his hips as he bounces.

 

Dan looks up and marvels at the man atop him—the long neck, the broad shoulders, the sparse hair of his chest. He digs his nails into the skin stretched across Phil’s hipbones, hoping it’ll make a mark. He wants to see proof of what they’ve done, physical, tangible evidence that Dan is the only one who gets to do this to Phil now.

 

Suddenly, the urge to get his mouth on Phil, absolutely anywhere on Phil’s body is overwhelming. He wraps his arms around Phil’s waist and pulls himself up to sit. Now Phil is well and truly sat in his lap and it feels more intimate than anything they’ve ever done. Dan squeezes Phil tightly as he starts sucking hickeys onto his chest. Phil grips the back of Dan’s neck then, riding him hard and fast, letting out choked off groans every time he sinks down.

 

“Mmf, fuck, god, don’t move Dan, it’s so good, right there,” Phil babbles. Dan, sensing that Phil is close, reaches between them to grip Phil firmly in his hand. He works him over in rhythm with his thrusts until Phil pants, “want you to come first.”

 

Dan bites Phil’s nipple and speeds his hand. He’s close himself. He could probably come any moment now, but that’s not what he wants—not this time. This time he wants to make Phil see stars, wants to make him forget there was ever anyone else. He knows that’s probably not healthy, but he doesn’t care. Not when he’s balls deep in Phil’s ass, pain prickling on his scalp as Phil yanks his hair with lustful abandon.

 

“Dan, Dan, I’m gonna—”

 

He can’t get the words out before he’s choking on a groan, eyes squeezed shut, coating Dan’s stomach in warm stickiness.

 

Dan stills, waits for Phil to pull off, but he doesn’t.

 

“Keep going,” Phil whispers.

 

“Phil, I don’t wanna hurt you.”

 

“You won’t, I promise. I want you to come inside me.” He starts to ride Dan again. “Please.”

 

He wants to insist, but the sensation is just too overwhelming. He buries his face in Phil’s chest and thrusts hard, and it only takes another minute before he’s crying out and raking his nails down Phil’s back.

 

Phil lifts himself off gingerly and they collapse back onto the pillows. They lie there for a long time, steadying their breathing with Dan’s arms wrapped around Phil’s shoulders. They’re both sweating and sticky and in desperate need of a shower, but Dan knows that’s not going to happen anytime soon. He pulls the duvet up over their bodies and nuzzles a little closer to Phil.

 

“Dan?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“We should probably… talk.”

 

Dan’s stomach sinks. “Why d’you mean?” He tries to keep the panic out of his voice.

 

“About Charlie?”

 

“Oh.” His heart begins to resume it’s normal rhythm. “Right.”

 

“He made you jealous.” Phil is looking down, not meeting Dan’s eyes.

 

“Yes.” Dan doesn't see any point in arguing that fact.

 

“I probably shouldn’t have found that such a turn on.” Phil bites his lip. “But fuck. When you said ‘he’s mine…’”

 

“Sorry,” Dan mumbles. “I didn’t mean—”

 

“It was so hot,” Phil interjects. “No one’s ever wanted me like that.”

 

“Shut up, Phil, there’s no way that’s true.”

 

“It is!” Phil insists.

 

“I know someone who does. Or did anyway,” Dan muses.

 

“Who?”

 

Dan gives Phil an incredulous stare. “Charlie, you fucking spork.”

 

“What?” Phil seems genuinely dumbfounded. “No, no way.”

 

“Phil.” Dan cups Phil’s chin, looks into his deep blue eyes. “He wasn’t acting like a mate today. He was acting like a jealous ex. He was going to tell a story about you licking his ass, for fuck’s sake. Right in front of me!”

 

Phil blinks. “Oh.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“He’s just… like that,” Phil says weakly.

 

“Is he?”

 

Phil looks so helpless. “Yeah?”

 

Dan laughs a little. “Is that a question?”

 

“I don’t know?”

 

“Well, seeing us together made him feel something, that’s for sure.”

 

Phil doesn’t say anything, just runs a finger lightly up and down Dan’s side.

 

Dan hates himself in this moment, because he knows he has to ask, he has to ask this stupid question that will betray all his irrational fear and insecurity. “You guys are just friends, right?” His voice is quiet, so quiet he half hopes Phil won’t hear it at all.

 

“Of course.” Phil’s reply is easy and so immediate that Dan immediately feels silly for even asking in the first place.

 

“Does he know that?”

 

Phil sighs. “I think so. He has a boyfriend of his own, anyway.”

 

“Maybe you guys should talk,” Dan says softly.

 

“You think?”

 

Dan nods. He leans forward and buries his face in Phil’s neck so he doesn’t have to see his reaction to his next words. “I really didn’t like it.”

 

“Didn’t like what?” Phil says and Dan wonders if he’s being intentionally thick now.

 

“I didn’t like the stuff he said. And the way he was touching you. I’m sorry, I know that’s probably like, really fucked up jealous behaviour, but I dunno… I just really hated it.”

 

“I’m so sorry, Dan.” Phil runs a hand through Dan’s hair, pushes his curly fringe from out of his eyes. “I’ll talk to him. But you never need to feel jealous. I love you, remember?”

 

Dan beams. “Ok. I love you too.” He giggles. “Will it ever feel not funny to say that?”

 

“I dunno,” Phil admits. “Like I said, I’d never said it before you.”

 

Dan smiles against Dan’s neck. “I did like when you told him to leave, though,” Dan whispers. “That was really hot.”

 

“This is not healthy behaviour,” Phil chuckles. “Jealousy is supposed to be bad for relationships.”

 

“I know, I know,” Dan admits grudgingly. “I just hate picturing you with anyone else.”

 

“Then don’t.” Phil ‘s tongue pokes out between his teeth.

 

Dan pinches Phil’s side. “Shut up.”

 

“Seriously though, we need to keep an eye on that,” Phil says. “I want you to trust me.”

 

“I do. I really do, Phil. It’s just my anxiety telling me things that aren’t true. And,” he says cautiously, “I don’t really trust Charlie.”

 

“I’ll talk to him,” Phil promises. “I don’t think it means what you think it means. He wasn’t lying when he said I’ve been whinging to him for ages about you. He’s known since the beginning how crazy you make me.”

 

“You told Charlie before you told me?” Dan asks, feigning horror.

 

Phil shrugs. “He’s my best friend.”

 

Dan nods. He feels the telltale tightening in his chest, but takes a deep breath and ignores it. He’s said what he needed to say and he knows that any other feelings of jealousy or fear are unfounded, just his mind working itself into knots over nothing but the ghost of what’s real.

 

Phil sighs. “I hate to say this, but I think I might be sore for real tomorrow.”

 

“Phil!” Dan’s voice comes out a little more shrill than he’d intended. “You promised I wouldn’t hurt you!”

 

“You didn’t. It was amazing.”

 

“But…?”

 

“I mean, you didn’t hurt me, but like, I can feel it now. It’s my own fault. I really rushed the prepping, if I’m honest. I just wanted you so bad.”

 

Dan grips Phil’s face on either side. “Don’t do that ever again, ok? I never want to hurt you. That’s the opposite of what I want.”

 

Phil smirks. “Sometimes a little pain is good.

 

Dan is admittedly stunned. He’d have never pegged Phil as a masochist.

 

“You’ll see what I mean some day… I mean, if you think you still want to… do it the other way. You don’t have to, if you prefer it like this…”

 

“I want to.”

 

“You do?”

 

“Yeah… if your tongue there feels that good I can only imagine… everything else…”

 

They’re both blushing, which is utterly ridiculous considering the fact they’re both covered in drying come, naked bodies pressed up against each other under the sheets.

 

“Ok,” Phil says happily. “Well, you can take you time.”

 

“I want to start soon. Like tomorrow.”

 

Phil looks confused. “Start…?”

 

“Prepping,” Dan says with a cheeky grin.

 

“I will literally never be able to say that word again,” Phil says, shaking his head.

 

“Is that a yes, then?” Dan asks.

 

“Definitely.”

 

*

 

Dan sighs as he feels Phil’s fingers rake through his freshly washed curls. They’re curled up together on the sofa as their bed sheets go through the spin cycle. It’s late and they’re both half asleep, half-watching Buffy when Dan hears his phone buzz. He considers not looking, weighing the pros and cons of stretching his arm all the way out to the table. Eventually his curiosity gets the better of him. He groans dramatically as he reaches out and snatches it. He looks at his phone in confusion. He’s got a text. From his dad. He doesn’t think that’s actually ever happened before. He frowns, rereads the message five times before shutting the phone off and tossing it back onto the table. He’ll deal with it tomorrow.

 

_Dan, please call me when you get a chance. I want to give you space but your mother and I have questions. We’d really like to talk to you. I’d really like to talk to you about all this._


	25. Chapter 25

“Have you answered him yet?” Phil asks.

 

Dan chucks his phone to the other side of the sofa, turning his attention back to the tv, where he and Phil are in the middle of a heated round of Mario Kart. He’s losing now, thanks to his inability to ignore his father’s daily messages.

 

“No.”

 

Phil pauses the game, turning around in the beanbag chair they’d bought for lazy gaming days just such as this.

 

“Oi, mate. I was about to catch up,” Dan whines.

 

“No you weren’t. Your days as the Mario Kart master are coming to an end.”

 

“In your dreams, rat.” Dan smiles at him from his place on the sofa. His longs bare legs are outstretched onto the coffee table, crossed at the ankles. He hasn’t worn trousers around the house once since Phil had confessed how crazy it made him.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Phil’s voice is soft and framed with concern.

 

“No.” Dan’s response is automatic. He’s getting pretty good at talking about his feelings, but only with Phil. “It’s not a big deal.”

 

“Then why don’t you want to talk to him about it?”

 

Dan sighs, tossing the controller aside to rest beside his discarded mobile. “I don’t know Phil. I just don’t really want to talk to my dad about my boyfriend.” He doesn’t quite succeed at keeping the irritation from seeping into his words. He hates himself for it a little bit because he knows Phil’s aim is only ever to help.

 

Phil gets up and walks over to the sofa, sitting down and sinking into the cushion beside Dan. He stretches his arm out over the back of the couch behind Dan’s head. “Why?”

 

Dan is slouched in the crease of the sofa and has to look up to meet Phil’s eyes. “I dunno. It’s awkward.”

 

“Did you talk to him about Rain, ever?”

 

“Fuck, no,” Dan scoffs. “Definitely not.”

 

“So it’s not that you don’t want to talk to him about your boyfriend, you just don’t want to talk to him about the person you’re dating.”

 

Dan wants to agree, but he knows it’s not the whole truth and Phil deserves better than to be lied to. He looks away, shrugs.

 

“Didn’t you say he told you he was proud of you?” Phil drops his arm down to rest across Dan’s shoulders.

 

Dan nods.

 

“So what’s the problem?”

 

“He said he has… questions.” Dan shifts his body to the side to rest against Phil’s.

 

“And?”

 

“I don’t know if I have all the answers,” he says quietly.

 

Phil doesn’t say anything. They sit in silence for a moment before Phil pulls his arm away and stands up. Dan’s stomach drops.

 

“Phil, I didn’t mean—”

 

“It’s fine. I get it.”

 

It may be the first time Dan’s heard that level of pain in Phil’s voice and his body rejects it instantly. He reaches out and grabs Phil’s hand, yanking him back down onto the sofa. Phil huffs out a surprised breath as he’s plonked down unceremoniously.

 

“You don’t get it,” Dan says firmly, and he hitches his leg to sit in Phil’s lap.

 

“Explain it to me, then,” Phil says, running his hands up Dan’s thighs slowly.

 

Dan drapes his arms around the back of Phil’s neck and smiles, knows he’s already gotten himself out of hot water. “Do you have a thigh kink?”

 

“Maybe just for yours.” Phil digs his nails gently into the flesh just below Dan’s pants. “Stop trying to distract me with your ridiculously hot legs, Howell.”

 

“But it’s working isn’t it?”

 

“Yes. But I still want you to explain. You seemed ok with your parents knowing.”

 

“I am.” Dan brushes Phil’s long fringe out of his eyes. “Of course I am. I just don’t know if I’m ready to be interrogated about it.”

 

“You think that’s what’s going to happen?”

 

Dan sighs again. “I don’t know what’s going to happen. That’s the problem.”

 

Phil slips his hands under Dan’s shirt to grip his waist, kissing Dan’s chest over his jumper. Actually, it’s Phil’s jumper. It’s bright green and not Dan’s aesthetic whatsoever, but something about wearing something so _Phil_ feels so naughty that he often finds himself picking out the brightest, busiest items in Phil’s closet. “You didn’t expect the reaction he had when he found out, right?” Phil mumbles into the jumper.

 

“No…”

 

“So maybe he’ll surprise you again.”

 

“What d’you mean?” Dan runs his fingers through the hair at the back of Phil’s head, scraping his nails gently across his scalp.

 

“Maybe your dad is just cooler than you give him credit for. Maybe you should hear him out before assuming the worst.”

 

Dan pulls back to look down at Phil, admittedly more than a little taken aback. He’s reminded that actually, Phil is older and worlds more mature than he normally lets on.

 

“I would have killed for my parents to have had the reaction that yours did,” Phil continues.

 

“Did they not?”

 

“Not at first. They were weird about it for a long time. They certainly never told me they were proud or asked me questions about it.”

 

“But they seem so…” Dan trails off.

 

“Yeah. I know. Because they love me and they’ve had like eight years to come ‘round.”

 

“I’m sorry Phil.” Dan leans down and kisses his lips softly. “I promise I’ll call him later.”

 

“Why not now?”

 

“Because right now I need to defend my title as reigning master of Mario Kart.”

 

*

 

“Fuck, Phil, you need to stop doing that,” Dan moans into the pillow.

 

“Why?” Phil says breathlessly, collapsing on the bed next to Dan.

 

“Because I want a turn to do that to you. It’s selfish to just wank yourself like that. Plus I’m tired of washing my fucking sheets every day.”

 

“It’s not my fault. You’re just too sexy with my tongue in your ass.”

 

“Shut up,” Dan says, grinning.

 

Phil pokes his finger gently into Dan’s dimple. “Never.”

 

“I’m a mess. Again.” Dan wiggles his bottom.

 

“You are.” Phil splays his long fingers against Dan’s ass, smearing the come he’d left there just moments ago. “Like I said, though, not my fault.”

 

“It is your fault. It’s also your fault that I’m lying in a pool of jizz, so thanks for that, mate.”

 

“You’re welcome.” Phil smiles and rolls off the bed. “I love you so much that I’m actually going to clean you up.”

 

“Wow, Philip. That’s true romance right there. Are you also going to wash my sheets?”

 

“Let’s not get crazy,” Phil laughs, leaving the room and returning a moment later with a fistful of tissue. He cleans Dan off carefully and Dan almost laughs—only Phil could make wiping come off his butt such a tender and loving act.

 

Phil crawls under the covers and wraps his arm around Dan, pulling him close.

 

“I’m still sticky in the front,” Dan warns.

 

“Don’t care,” Phil mumbles sleepily. “Just wanna feel you.”

 

Dan feels a burst of affection when Phil nuzzles into his neck.

 

“Phil?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I love you.”

 

It’s not the first time he’s said it of course, but it definitely feels different this time. They’re both awake and he knows Phil can hear him, knows he’ll be able to hear the painful sincerity in his voice, the terrifying vulnerability that comes from baring your soul to another person.

 

Phil cups Dan’s jaw lightly, presses his forehead into Dan’s. “I love you too.” Their lips meet and they kiss slowly and softly. It’s chaste and pure and Dan has to remind himself that it’s not normal to cry when you’re this happy.

 

Then Dan’s phones buzzes. Again.

 

“For fuck’s sake,” Dan mutters.

 

“You didn’t call him yet?”

 

“I will in the morning, I swear.”

 

“You better,” Phil says, kissing Dan’s forehead. Dan crinkles his nose in mock annoyance.

 

Suddenly Dan remembers that he’s not the only who’d promised a heart to heart with someone. “Hey, by the way, did you talk to Charlie yet?”

 

Phil shakes his head.

 

“Well looks like you have a call to make too, mate.”

 

“I guess…” He sounds uneasy.

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing, I just… I feel kinda bad about kicking him out the other day. He hasn’t talked to me since.”

 

Dan’s kneejerk defensiveness threatens to erupt, but he takes a breath and bites it back—a little. “Phil, he was out of line and you know it.”

 

“Yeah, but…” He doesn’t look like he wants to finish his sentence.

 

“What? Just say it.” Dan can’t believe they’re on the verge of an argument. A minute ago he’d been blinking back tears at the thought of how in love he is.

 

“Dan. Don’t be like that. It’s fine.”

 

“You think I was out of line, too, right? That’s what you were gonna say?”

 

“No, I don’t. Not this time. I think I should have handled it better, but I see why you were upset. I just don’t want this to be a thing.”

 

“What? Me being jealous?”

 

“No,” Phil says, brushing his thumb along Dan’s cheek. “I mean, I don’t want you to be, you don’t ever have to be, but that’s not what I meant. I just mean, like, you and Charlie, not getting along, being jealous of each other. It’s silly. I’m nothing to fight over.”

 

“Shut up, Phil. I’d fight Thor for you.”

 

Phil laughs. “I’d pay to see that.”

 

“Hey,” Dan whines. “Rude.”

 

“I’m sorry but watching two hot guys fight over me? Yes please. You know how I feel about Thor.”

 

“Thor is a fictional character, Phil. I know how you feel about Chris Hemsworth.”

 

“Yeah, but the hair is an important part of the package.”

 

Dan catches Phil’s bottom lip between his teeth and gives it a rather harsh bite. “Should I grow out my hair, then?”

 

Phil looks at him thoughtfully, runs his fingers through Dan’s hair that, once again, he hadn’t bothered to straighten. “It might be a good look, actually,” he says quietly.

 

“Phil, please don’t tell me you’re actually getting turned on picturing me with Thor hair.”

 

Phil giggles, poking his tongue out. “Sorry, sorry. But to be fair, I almost always get turned on thinking about you.”

 

“Yeah right,” Dan scoffs. “Why are you dating a pale, scrawny emo kid when clearly your type is hench and blond?”

 

“Hey, Dan, remember that time ten minutes ago when my tongue was buried as deep in your asshole as I could possibly get it?”

 

Dan feels his face go red.

 

“Yeah, that means I’m into you.”

 

Dan covers his face with his hand and proper giggles. “Ok.”

 

“Glad we got that sorted.” Phil pulls Dan’s hand off his face and kisses the knuckles.

 

“Are you gonna let me do that to you?” Dan asks.

 

“What? Kiss my hands?” Phil grins. “Sure, you can kiss me wherever you want.”

 

“You know what I mean, you twat.”

 

“Do I?” Phil can be a right cheeky shit when he wants to be, Dan thinks.

 

Dan grabs Phil’s face and kisses him hard, coaxing his mouth open and licking along his teeth obscenely. “Yes, you do.”

 

“Ugh, gross,” Phil laughs, wiping Dan’s spit from his lips. “Alright, alright, I know what you mean.”

 

“So can I do it?”

 

“What, now?” Phil asks.

 

“If you want.”

 

Phil bites his lip. “If I was sixteen again…”

 

“Ok, old man, we’ll wait,” Dan laughs.

 

“Not too long I hope.”

 

Dan reaches around and squeezes Phil’s ass. “Definitely not.”

 

Phil chuckles. “How are you so good at being gay already? A couple weeks ago you could barely even admit you were into me.”

 

Dan’s stomach flips. He feels the blood drain from his face. He tries to laugh, knowing Phil was just banting, but something about his words has reawakened a fear subdued by soft kisses and hot sex. He rolls over onto his back and takes a deep breath.

 

“Dan? What’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing.” Dan sits up. “I just… am I gay?”

 

“Oh. Shit.” Phil sits up and grabs Dan’s hand. “I didn’t mean anything by that. You don’t have to call yourself that if you don’t want.”

 

“Are you gay?” Dan asks. The words sound ridiculous as they leave his lips.

 

Phil shrugs. “Usually, so far.”

 

“But like, do you call yourself that?”

 

“I don’t necessarily call myself anything.” Phil rubs gentle, calming circles into the palm of Dan’s hand. “But I guess if I had to choose I would say bi?”

 

“How do I know what I am?” He bites his lip. He sounds like a fucking idiot and he knows it.

 

Phil sighs. “Dan, I really didn’t mean anything by what I said. You don’t have to be scared.”

 

“I’m not scared of being… gay. I’m just scared of not knowing if that’s even what I am or not.”

 

“Well, you’ve been with girls, right?”

 

“A girl. Just one.”

 

“Right…” Phil says, like the conclusion is obvious.

 

“It didn’t feel like this,” Dan whispers.

 

“I’ve never felt like this either, Dan.”

 

“But have you ever been with a girl?”

 

“Not really.”

 

“Then how do you know you’re bi?”

 

“I don’t,” Phil answers simply and Dan marvels at the ease with which Phil admits that. The thought of not knowing is making anxiety build in Dan’s gut, hot and sour.

 

“I was obsessed with Sarah Michelle Gellar for a solid decade, though, so that has to mean something, right?”

 

“Maybe it means you wish you were strong enough to slay vampires.”

 

Phil laughs. “That’s true.”

 

“Don’t laugh, Phil, I’m spiralling here.”

 

Phil squeezes Dan’s hand tightly. “I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to freak you out. But you don’t have to have everything figured out right now. You can just be Phil-sexual for now, right?”

 

Dan smiles. “I’m definitely Phil-sexual.”

 

“And I’m Dan-sexual. That’s good enough for me.”

 

“Me too.”

 

“Are you going to stay up all night worrying about this?” Phil asks softly.

 

“Probably.” Dan admits it easily. It’s becoming harder and harder to hide these parts of himself from Phil—it’s like the man has a sixth sense specifically designed for being the world’s most thoughtful and understanding boyfriend.

 

“Let’s have a slumber party in the lounge, then. We’ll eat popcorn and watch films and cuddle until we pass out. These sheets are well gross, anyway.”

 

Dan smiles. “That sounds perfect.”

 

And so they do exactly as Phil said, bodies tangled together they finally let their drooping eyes close in the wee hours of the morning, wrapped up in Phil’s blanket, blissfully ignoring all of life’s uncertainties.

 

*

 

Dan is startled awake by the doorbell much, much earlier than he would have ever chosen to wake up on his own. He wonders hazily why being startled awake by people on the other side of doors is becoming such a recurring theme in his life. He yawns, stretches his arms out over his head. Phil is still sleeping peacefully, mouth wide, snoring ever so faintly. Dan smiles. He considers ignoring whoever awaits on the other side of the door, but then he hears a knock, followed by a voice.

 

“Daniel? Are you home.”

 

Dan freezes. It’s his dad.


	26. Chapter 26

“Dad?” Dan says thickly. He knows it’s his dad, it’s obviously his Dad but he’s still half-asleep and a little bit in shock. He’s wearing nothing but pants and Phil’s duvet wrapped around his shoulders like a cape.

 

“Yeah. Can I come in?” His voice is muffled by the door.

 

“Uhh… ok. Gimme a sec?” Dan’s heart is pounding as he shakes Phil awake roughly.

 

“Hmm, what?” Phil mumbles confusedly, rubbing his eyes. “What’s wrong?”

 

“My dad’s here,” Dan hisses.

 

“I thought you didn’t call him yet?”

 

“I didn’t. You’ve gotta get up, go to your room, I have to get dressed, fuck…”

 

“Why is he here?” Phil yawns, sitting up.

 

“I don’t _know_ , Phil, Christ. Will you get up?” He’s panicking and he knows he’s being mean but everything just feels a little unreal, like he may actually still be dreaming.

 

“Daniel?” His father calls through the door. “Can you let me in? It’s fine if you need to shower or get dressed, I can wait.”

 

Phil gets up off the sofa and grabs Dan’s hand for a moment. “Take a breath. Everything’s fine. It’s just your dad. He just wants to talk to you. I’ll let him in, you go get dressed.” Luckily Phil had been sensible enough to put pyjamas on for their little lounge campout.

 

Dan gives Phil a pained look. “He’s gonna know…”

 

“What, that we were sleeping together? He already knows, remember? Go get dressed, brush your teeth. I’ll make tea.” He pulls Dan in and kisses his forehead.

 

“Thanks,” Dan says, melting a little.

 

He hears Phil greeting his dad as he retreats to the toilet to brush his teeth and splash some water on his face. He sneaks to his room and throws on the first tshirt and pair of jeans he can find. He realizes as he opens the door to leave that it’s actually Phil’s shirt, but of course, his father won’t know that.

 

“Hey, Dad” he greets his father, who’s sat at the breakfast bar. “Sorry I didn’t get the door right away, I was asleep on the sofa when you knocked.”

 

Phil shoots Dan a look.

 

Dan’s father laughs. “Sofa sleepover?”

 

Phil smiles, but he’s still looking at Dan.

 

“Uhh, yeah, couldn’t sleep. We fell asleep watching a film.” Dan hates the way Phil is looking at him, like he’s about to break at any moment. “Did you make me coffee, mate?”

 

Phil hands him a mug. “Tea, actually.”

 

“Thanks.” He takes a gulp and winces as it burns the roof of his mouth and all down his throat. “Ow.”

 

“Did you forget how to drink tea, Dan?” His father chuckles.

 

“I didn’t get that much sleep, I’m kind of a zombie right now.”

 

“Right, I guess this is pretty early for you, yeah?”

 

Dan nods, taking another mouthful of tea. He can’t taste or feel anything now as he’s burned off all his taste buds and probably a layer of nerve endings as well. He leans against the breakfast bar, staring into his mug. The tension in the air is borderline unbearable.

 

“Well, I’m just going to have some breakfast and then I’ll be off for a while,” Phil says, and Dan can tell he’s forcing cheer.

 

“Really?” Dan’s voice is pitched up in panic.

 

“Yeah, give you guys the chance to… catch up.” Phil shifts his feet nervously. Obviously Dan’s not the only one picking up on the excruciating awkwardness that permeates their flat right now.

 

“Thanks, Phil,” Dan’s father says. “You don’t have to go though.”

 

“It’s ok, I have a friend I’ve been meaning to see for a while now.”

 

Dan spins his head to look at Phil. “Charlie?”

 

Phil nods. There are so many things Dan wants to say, but he can’t say any of it in front of his father, so he just bites back the rising tide of anxiety and smiles. “K.”

 

Phil retreats to the kitchen and Dan watches him scarf down a bowl of Shreddies before excusing himself to go get ready.

 

Dan looks at his father helplessly.

 

“Come sit, Daniel.”

 

Dan complies, sitting on the empty stool next to his father. “You didn’t call first,” he mumbles.

 

“I called you and texted you every day for a week. I didn’t think you were going to answer me.”

 

“I was,” Dan says defensively, and he wants to believe that it’s true. “I’ve been… busy.”

 

“Have you?”

 

Dan looks at his hands for a minute, picks at a hangnail on his thumb. “Not really.”

 

“Did you read the texts, at least?”

 

“Yeah, of course.”

 

“So you know why I’m here.”

 

Dan swallows over the giant knot of apprehension in his throat. He hadn’t mentally prepared himself yet for this conversation. “I guess.”

 

“If you’re really uncomfortable, it’s not a problem, I can leave. But I hope you can hear me out, maybe try to listen to what I have to say.”

 

Dan actually turns to look at his dad then. “I thought you wanted to ask me questions.”

 

He sighs. “I want to have a conversation, Dan. You kind of dropped this huge thing on us when we didn’t really have time to process it fully or talk to you about it.”

 

Dan looks away again. “I thought you were ok… you said you were proud.” He says the last word so quietly it’s almost a whisper.

 

“We are. Of course we’re ok. We’re thrilled that you’re happy and accepting yourself.”

 

“You knew?” Dan asks, surprised.

 

“No. You had a girlfriend for so long, we really didn’t have any reason to suspect differently.”

 

“Right.”

 

“But now you have Phil.”

 

Dan cringes. This is just too fucking weird. In the past, he’s barely been able to uphold exchanges about the weather with his father, let alone deep conversations about sexuality and relationships. “Uh, yeah. I do.”

 

“Are you as happy as you seemed on your birthday?”

 

Dan feels his face flush in mortification. “Yeah,” he mutters.

 

“Alright,” Phil’s deep voice cuts in and Dan jumps. “I’m off. It was nice to see you again,” he says politely to Dan’s father.

 

“You too, Phil. Don’t worry, I won’t take up too much of his time.”

 

“No worries,” Phil grins, looking at Dan. “I need a break from this one anyway.”

 

Dan snorts. “Goodbye, Philip. Try not to trip down the stairs.”

 

Phil’s still laughing as he closes the door behind him. Dan doesn’t realize he’s smiling until his father says, “Yeah. You definitely seem happy.”

 

“Dad…”

 

“I’m sorry. This must feel so weird for you.”

 

Dan nods.

 

“I just wanted you to know that I’m here for you if you need, I know you must be at least a little confused, although you seem to be doing so well. Better than I was when I—”

 

“What? What d’you mean?” Dan interjects.

 

His dad rubs over the dark scruff on his chin. “Well, it doesn’t matter now, it was a million years ago. But I think I could help you more than you think, if you ever felt like you needed that.”

 

Dan sits there, dumbstruck. There are really no two ways to interpret what he’s just heard, but it simply doesn’t make sense.

 

“I need that,” Dan whispers.

 

“Ok. What can I help you with?”

 

“Can we go sit somewhere more comfortable?” Dan asks, sensing this may turn out to be a real heart-to-heart after all.

 

“Course.”

 

They relocate to the lounge and sink themselves into the cushions on opposite ends of the sofa. Dan steals a glance at his father—it’s so bloody strange to have him here, in this space he normally shares with Phil. His strong arms are crossed over his chest, his thick dark hair curling atop his head, not unlike Dan’s. He’s tall like Dan and sees the world through rich brown eyes like Dan. Come to think of it, Dan gets a lot of his physical features from his dad—but none of his personality traits. Where Dan’s father is practical, logical, focused, driven, Dan is a dreamer, a feeler, an avoider. He’s never gotten along with his father, never really even gotten to know him well enough to say he dislikes him. In his mind they are little more than strangers who happened to share the same house for eighteen years.

 

Dan pulls his knees up to his chin and wraps his arms around them. He kind of wants to hide from the novelty of the situation, the queasy uneasiness he feels knowing he’s about to talk at length about the implications of his love for Phil, and willingly.

 

“You said you had questions,” Dan says quietly. “In your text last week.”

 

“Yes,” he says, looking down at his hands. “I realized the next day that that was maybe a little too… intense. I only meant that if you _wanted_ to you could talk to me, and maybe I might be able to… talk things out with you. Of course your mother and I were very surprised about… everything. And we’d love to know more about that, but only if you want to share…”

 

Ok, Dan thinks, maybe he did get one particular trait from his father—the nervous ramble.

 

“No offense but like, why do you think you would be good at talking to me about this?” Dan can’t bear to look at his father, choosing instead to stare out the large window, picking a spot in the distance to focus on. “I appreciate it but, like, I just don’t really get it.”

 

His father sighs. “I think we’re more alike than you give me credit for, Dan.” His voice is so small and sad, Dan feels the urge to reach out.

 

“But, you’re with mom.” He feels like a little kid again, like a little kid who still doesn’t understand how the world really works.

 

“Yes. And you were with Rain.”

 

Dan sucks in a surprised breath. He hadn’t been expecting this to get so real so fast. “Yes…”

 

“And now you’re with Phil.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

Dan’s father gives him a look, a look that says, ‘Come on, kid. You can do better than this.’ He doesn’t say anything.

 

“Can I ask you something?” His dad asks.

 

Dan nods.

 

“What was it like with her?”

 

Dan’s eyebrows shoot up. “Uhh… you’re asking for details?”

 

“No, of course not Daniel. What I mean is, what was it like to be with her? Were you happy?”

 

Dan digs his chin in the hard bone of his kneecap. He replies, voice soft, “Sometimes.”

 

“And with Phil?”

 

His answer there is easy. “Always.”

 

“And does that make you feel confused?”

 

“Yeah.” He rubs over his eyes harshly with his thumb and forefinger, bringing them together to pinch the bridge of his nose. “I still don’t understand what that’s got to do with you.”

 

“You’re gonna make me say it then,” Dan’s father mumbles under his breath before adding, clearer, louder this time, “You’re not the only Howell man to fall in love with another bloke.”

 

Dan shouldn’t be as shocked as he is, for all the hints his father had been dropping. He feels like someone’s poured ice water in his veins. “Who? When?”

 

A hint of a smile ghosts over his father’s lips. “My roommate from first year uni. I told you, we have more in common than you know.”

 

“I thought that’s when you met mum.”

 

“It was.”

 

Dan’s heart sinks a little, though he’s not quite sure why. “So you chose her?”

 

“Eventually, yes.”

 

“Why? How did you know what was right?”

 

“If I answer that, you have to swear to me that it will always remain between us, yeah? You have to be a real adult with me here, because I’ll be trusting you with something I’ve literally never shared with a single person before.”

 

Dan nods, frowning. “I swear.”

 

“The answer to your question is that I knew what was right from the very beginning. I knew because it was obvious, because every cell in my body screamed at me that it was right. I knew, and I didn’t listen.”

 

Dan’s mouth drops open for a moment. “You mean…?”

 

“This was twenty five years ago, Dan. Things were different then. I was young and scared and I ended up making a choice out of fear.”

 

“You’re saying mum was the wrong choice?” He can’t help it, he’s angry.

 

“No, of course not. Without her I wouldn’t have you and Adrian. I could never call what I have with your mother a mistake and I never think of her as one. But at the time, in the moment, it wasn’t the choice my heart wanted to make. And a small part of me will always wonder what could have been if I’d been stronger or braver—like you.”

 

“I’m not brave, I’m fucking terrified all the time,” Dan says quietly.

 

“And yet here you are.”

 

“Yeah?” Dan looks over at his father, catches him swipe under his eye with the back of his hand.

 

“And that’s why I’m proud. You made the choice I couldn’t.”

 

“I didn’t really make a choice. Rain and I were already split up when I met Phil.”

 

“Why did you guys split up, if you don’t mind me asking?”

 

Dan sighs. “I don’t know. She thinks I just wasn’t that into her.”

 

“Does she know about Phil?”

 

Dan nods.

 

“Well what do you think?” His father asks, turning his body to face Dan’s. “Do you agree with her?”

 

Dan shrugs. He still doesn’t really have an answer. “I was definitely into her sometimes.”

 

“Just not the same way you are with Phil, right?” His dad says gently.

 

Dan nods again. He looks down into his lap and asks, “Does this mean I’m gay?”

 

Dan’s dad is quiet for a moment, lost in thought. “Probably not. It could mean anything. You and she were so young. Not everyone falls deeply in love with everyone they choose to date. It doesn’t mean you couldn’t fall in love with a woman some day.”

 

Dan is startled by how instantly his mind rejects the thought, and he doesn’t think it’s because the idea of being with a woman again is repugnant to him. It’s the thought of waking up to anyone but Phil, making coffee for anyone but Phil, feeling lips and tongue on his skin that don’t belong to Phil—it just doesn’t feel right. He realizes what his dad said earlier was true for him too: _I knew because it was obvious, because every cell in my body screamed at me that it was right._ Every cell in Dan’s body is screaming that Phil is right.

 

“You’re only twenty years old, Dan. You have your whole life to figure this stuff out.”


	27. Chapter 27

Dan fits the key into the lock and opens the door to the flat. It’s dark. He flips on the light in the lounge and looks around. It’s late enough for Dan to watch the sun shining its last rays of pink and gold along the Manchester skyline from out the window, but not late enough that Phil should be asleep. He knows Phil’s home—they’d been sending near constant texts all afternoon.

 

“Phil?”

 

He doesn’t hear a response, so he goes to the kitchen and opens the fridge, silently praying that something delicious, quick and reasonably healthy will be waiting for him, though he already knows without a doubt that there won’t be. Laziness wins out and he settles for cereal. He manages to shake a small amount of Crunchy Nut into his bowl—clearly Phil has had the same idea at some point today, maybe more than once. He could’ve sworn the box had been nearly full just yesterday.

 

He’s leaning against the counter shoving the milky grains in his mouth when he hears the bathroom door creak open. He can smell Phil’s sweet musky bodywash wafting on the steamy air all the way in the kitchen. “Phil?” He calls out again. As if it could be anyone else.

 

Dan hears Phil yelp. “Jesus, Dan! You scared me!”

 

“Sorry, mate. Come in here.”

 

“I’m not dressed.”

 

“Ok, come in here right now as fast as you can, then.”

 

Dan hears Phil giggle from down the hall. “I’ll be waiting for you in my room.”

 

“Tease!” Dan shouts. He downs the rest of his cereal as quickly as he can. He hasn’t seen Phil for nearly ten hours, which at this point is basically unheard of. It might as well be ten days.

 

When he opens the door to Phil’s bedroom he is greeted by what seems to Dan like miles of freckled ivory skin draped across the bed. It’s dark save for the soft yellow glow of the amber lamp Phil had obviously knicked from Dan’s room, and it colours the long slender man in front of him like honey. He’s lying stark naked on his stomach, silently inviting Dan forward with the dip of his back and the curves of his ass.

 

“Phil.”

 

He doesn’t turn around. His arms are raised, crossed under the pillow where he rests the side of his head. “Yeah?”

 

Dan reaches his hand up and back and pulls his shirt off over his head in one fluid motion. Suddenly he can’t wait to be naked too. “Are you gonna turn around?” He asks quietly.

 

Phil shakes his head. Dan unbuckles his belt and unzips his fly and peels the tight denim off his thighs. “I missed you today.” He pulls his legs out of his jeans finally, and kicks them off with vigour.

 

“Missed you too.”

 

Dan pulls off his socks—Hello Kitty, not exactly sexy. He hooks his thumbs under the waist of his pants and pulls them down low enough to kick them off. He’s naked now and already half hard just from the gorgeous view of this man he loves, laid out and waiting. He walks to the foot of the bed and allows himself another moment to admire the broad expanse of Phil’s shoulders, the way his damp hair waves against the pillow.

 

He straddles Phil’s legs with his knees as he climbs up onto the bed, hovering overtop of him until he’s moved up far enough to slot himself against the warm smooth body beneath him. He brackets Phil’s head with his hands, allowing his lower half to rest on Phil. He feels his cock press against Phil’s ass as he lowers his head and presses a gentle kiss to Phil’s shoulder. Phil shudders. “Had a good talk with your dad?”

 

“Yeah.” Dan moves his lips up to Phil’s neck and sucks wetly. “You talk to Charlie?”

 

Phil nods.

 

“You wanna talk about it?” Dan murmurs against Phil’s jawbone.

 

“Not now.” Phil arches his back, pushing his ass further into Dan’s crotch.

 

Dan bites Phil’s earlobe and whispers, “What d’you wanna do?”

 

“Anything. Everything.”

 

Dan licks into Phil’s ear and bites all along his neck, breathing hot against the sensitive skin. He kisses his way down Phil’s back slowly, taking his time to frame every freckle with his lips. “This was a nice thing to come home to.”

 

Phil chuckles. “I really did miss you.”

 

Dan sucks a hickey into Phil’s back and slides a hand down to cup one of his cheeks. “I learned some crazy shit about my dad today.”

 

“Dan, please don’t talk about your dad when we’re naked and you’ve got a hand on my ass.”

 

“Shit, sorry. I _was_ actually trying to be sexy but I’m still a little in shock from what he told me.”

 

Phil wiggles his bottom. “Tell me after.”

 

“After what, Philip Lesty?” Dan giggles.

 

“After you eat me out.”

 

Dan’s laughter dies in his throat.

 

“…only if you want to,” Phil adds uncertainly.

 

Dan slithers down lower and bites the little bit of soft flesh that clings to Phil’s waist. “I do. Definitely do.” He moves back, opening Phil’s legs enough to lie down between them, placing his hands on Phil’s cheeks and pulling them apart gently. He can’t help thinking how surprising it still is that just the sight of Phil’s ass makes him hard. It’s so soft and small but surprisingly round and even the little bit of hair there is sexy to Dan.

 

He realizes he’s been staring too long when Phil says, “Dan,” like he’s scared Dan has changed his mind. He hasn’t—he really hasn’t.

 

“Stick it out for me, Phil,” he croaks, deeper than he even knew his voice could go. Phil responds instantly, arching his back and lifting it up just right. Dan parts his lips and flattens his tongue along the silky skin at the base of Phil’s balls, slowly running it up wetly until he reaches the hole. He hears Phil let out a breathy moan when Dan runs the tip of his tongue along the rim in slow circles. He grips Phil firmly and pulls him open wider, wanting to taste him as deeply as he can.

 

Dan presses his thumb against the space under Phil’s balls and gets lost in the gentle rhythm of Phil pushing back against him as his tongue works Phil open gradually. Dan keeps licking and sucking, sinking his tongue deeper and deeper inside of Phil when he feels Phil reach down between his own body and the mattress and start to work himself over against the sheets. “Don’t stop, Dan, don’t stop, I’m close, feels so good.” Dan rubs against Phil harder with his thumb, licking furiously over the rim until he feels it flutter and then clench as Phil groans, the sound muffled against the pillow.

 

When Dan feels the muscles in Phil’s legs relax, he climbs up to lie down beside him. “Good?”

 

“No. Hated it.”

 

Dan ruffles Phil’s messy hair. “Me too.”

 

“Did you?”

 

“No, idiot.”

 

Phil leans forward then and catches Dan’s bottom lip between his own. He licks into Dan’s mouth and wraps his hand around Dan’s cock and strokes without pretence. Their mouths stay connected until Dan comes in Phil’s hand and gasps, “I love you,” against Phil’s neck.

 

Phil waits until Dan’s breathing slows to say, “I love you too.”

 

“Sorry,” Dan laughs, embarrassed. “I get sappy after I come, I guess.”

 

Phil wipes his hand off on Dan’s stomach. “I’m always sappy for you.”

 

“Oi!” Dan protests. “Gross.”

 

Phil grins. “My sappiness or your come?”

 

“Both.”

 

Phil pouts.

 

“Kidding, you dingus.”

 

“Your post-orgasm sappiness doesn’t last long enough for my liking.” Phil snuggles into Dan’s side, slinging his arm across Dan’s chest.

 

“Just give me another twenty minutes, then, and we can go again.”

 

“I’m an old man, remember? I’m gonna need at least thirty.”

 

“Well we can start with me this time, then,” Dan smiles. “I still need to be prepped.”

 

Phil scrunches his nose. “We need to stop calling it that, it’s really not sexy.”

 

“What shall we call it, Phil?”

 

“You can just say you want me to finger you, Dan. I won’t tell anyone.”

 

Dan feels himself flush. Phil has a knack for dropping filth so casually that it takes Dan aback every time. “Uh, ok, I want you to finger me, then.”

 

“And finger you I shall.”

 

“Shut UP,” Dan squeals.

 

“Make me.”

 

Dan takes Phil’s face in his hands and licks against his teeth, remembering how effectively he’d been shut up when Phil had done that exact thing to him just a day or two earlier.

 

Phil laughs. “Alright, alright, I’ll stop… I just have one question.”

 

“Go on then.”

 

“Do you still wanna do it… the other way round?”

 

Dan looks at him in surprise. “Yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t I?”

 

Phil’s voice softens a little. “Just because… I know you’re still a little freaked out about like, labelling yourself and what this all means—”

 

“Phil, I’m not—”

 

Phil cuts him off. “You are, and it’s ok, it really is. Like I said, it took me a lot longer.”

 

“What does this have to do with—”

 

“It’s just that, being together… like _that_ … it can be a lot. It’s new. It’s different, it’s _going to be_ very different for you…”

 

“Phil, please. I’m not freaked out about _this_.” He wraps his arms around Phil and squeezes. “Everything we do has been new, and it’s all been amazing. Why should this be any different?”

 

Phil shrugs. “It is for a lot of guys.”

 

Dan cocks his eyebrow. “Oh really? How many guys we talking here, mate?”

 

Phil blushes. “Dan, stop. Don’t be jealous.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because for one, it turns me on and I don’t think that’s good.”

 

“It’s fine. You have a jealousy kink. I don’t kink-shame.”

 

Phil smiles, then pretends to frown. “Lots of people do, though.”

 

“Well we don’t have to tell them. I can be jealous all I want and you can get off on it and no one else has to know.”

 

“You’re sick,” Phil chuckles.

 

“Yes. But so are you.”

 

“Fair enough.” Phil leans forward and kisses Dan gently.

 

“What were we talking about?” Dan mutters.

 

“Uhh, why you shouldn’t be jealous, I guess?”

 

“Does that mean your talk with Charlie went well?”

 

Phil’s smile falters a little. “We didn’t have _a talk_. We just talked. We’re friends, that’s what we do.”

 

Dan feels his stomach clench, but he tries desperately not to overreact. “Did you talk about me? About what happened when he was here?”

 

“Can we get dressed?” Phil asks, sitting up. “I want coffee.”

 

“Phil, it’s 10pm.”

 

“Don’t care. We never sleep this early anyway.”

 

He gets up off the bed and Dan watches him pull some Star Wars pyjama pants out of his dresser and slip them on. Dan’s heart is racing—what could Charlie have said to make Phil act so differently all of a sudden? “You coming?” Phil asks, pulling a threadbare York University tshirt over his head.

 

“Yeah, I’ll be right there.” He watches Phil disappear down the hall before pulling the covers up over his head and sticking them in between his teeth. Surely, surely nothing could have changed, or else why would Phil have all but served himself up for Dan the moment he got home? His mind flashes back to the way Charlie had squeezed Phil’s thigh possessively, the desperate way Charlie had begged Phil to call him when he’d been kicked out of the flat.

 

He squeezes his eyes shut and breathes in deeply through his nose. Phil loves him. He’s sure of it—he’s just not entirely sure how Phil feels about Charlie, and that thought terrifies him.

 

“Dan? You coming?” Phil calls from the kitchen.

 

“No.” He raises his voice just loud enough to be heard. He doesn’t want Phil to see just how close he is to a full blown panic attack.

 

Phil returns a few minutes later. From beneath the duvet, Dan hears him put down what he assumes are two mugs on the beside table. His eyes are still shut as he feels Phil slip underneath the covers, pulling them from between Dan’s teeth. Phil fits himself into the contours of Dan’s body and pulls him against his chest. “You didn’t get dressed,” Phil whispers.

 

“No.”

 

“Are you alright?”

 

“No.”

 

Phil drops a kiss onto Dan’s shoulder. “You know you’re being silly, right?”

 

“No… maybe. I dunno. Am I?”

 

“Yes, you are.” Phil rubs his soft palm along Dan’s stomach.

 

“How do you know?”

 

Phil chuckles. “Because you’re pouting.”

 

“I’m not pouting,” Dan protests.

 

“You are.”

 

“Well so what if I am? Why shouldn’t I?”

 

Phil slides his hand up and pinches Dan’s nipple.

 

“Ow! Bugger off, Phil.” Dan feels hot breath on his neck as Phil shakes with laughter.

 

“Sorry, but you really are being a wanker.”

 

“Am not.”

 

“What are you, twelve?” Phil keeps laughing harder with every juvenile statement that escapes Dan’s lips.

 

“Phi-il,” Dan whines. “Just tell me already.”

 

“Tell you what?”

 

“What you talked about with Charlie!” Dan huffs, flipping over to face Phil.

 

Phil bites back his smile when he sees the distressed look on Dan’s face. “We talked about you.”

 

“And?”

 

Phil’s voice is soft. “And he’s a little jealous too.”

 

Dan’s stomach drops. “So he’s still into you.”

 

Phil shakes his head. “Not that kind of jealous. He has a boyfriend and he never lets me forget it… the things he’s told me… things I never needed to know about Stephen’s—”

 

“Phil.”

 

“What?”

 

“I don’t want to know the details of Charlie’s sex life either, unless it involves you.”

 

“It doesn’t. It barely ever did.”

 

Dan cocks his eyebrow.

 

“Ok, ok, it did. But that was a long time ago. We’re just friends now.”

 

“So why is he jealous?”

 

“Because he’s… he was… my best friend,” Phil stutters.

 

“Was?”

 

“I think it’d be a lie to say that now.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because,” Phil says slowly, “You’re my best friend now. I think that’s pretty obvious to him.”

 

“Oh.” Dan suddenly feels _very_ aware of their age gap.

 

“Yeah.” Phil brushes Dan’s fringe across his forehead. “He’s just a little scared I’m gonna forget about him.”

 

Dan hides his face in his hands. “I’m an asshole.”

 

“You’re not. I was. I shouldn’t have kicked him out like that, especially because I know how insecure he can be. I mean, I think he was definitely trying to wind you up a little bit, but he did take it too far. I told him he can’t do that again.”

 

“You did?” Dan asks, surprised.

 

Phil nods. “I also promised I’d make more time for him. Ok?”

 

Dan nods. “Of course.”

 

“And you,” Phil says, playfully grabbing Dan’s chin, “You have to stop assuming the worst all the time, yeah?”

 

Dan nods again. Phil kisses him.

 

“Will you tell me about your dad now, please? I’m so curious.”

 

“I’ll tell you, but you have to promise not to tell my mum.”

 

Phil bursts out laughing then, full on silent gasps and watery eyes, hand clutching his chest.

 

“Shut up,” Dan squawks. “I’m serious! He made me swear I wouldn’t tell anyone.”

 

Phil wipes his eyes. “Really?”

 

Dan nods.

 

“Boyfriends don’t count, though,” Phil assures.

 

“Oh they don’t, don’t they?”

 

“Nope. Tell me everything. I promise I won’t tell your mum or my mum or anyone else’s mum.”

 

Dan grins. “I think I need some coffee first, mate.”

 

Phil leans forward and bites Dan’s nose playfully before sitting up and reaching for their mugs.

 

“We are literally gonna be up all night,” Dan says shaking his head and taking a sip.

 

“That’s ok, I have lots of ideas for things we can do.” He tries to wink, but of course fails.

 

“Has anyone ever told you you’re shit at winking?” Dan chuckles.

 

“I’m the best at winking.”

 

Dan smiles. “Right.”

 

“Tell me what your dad said or I’ll go mad.”

 

Dan takes a deep breath. “He told me he fell in love with his roommate at uni.”

 

“Wow.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“It’s almost like…” Phil pauses.

 

“What?”

 

“You’re gonna laugh.”

 

“I won’t. I swear,” Dan promises.

 

Phil’s voice is quiet. “It’s like… we were destined.”

 

Dan scoffs. “Right.” He bites his lip when he sees the look on Phil’s face. “You’re serious?”

 

Phil nods. “Don’t you feel like this,” he waves his hand, gesturing between them, “is a lot?”

 

Dan smiles. “It’s definitely a lot.”

 

“It feels like it’s too… good. Too easy.”

 

“And you think that’s what? Fate?”

 

“It feels like it is.” Phil’s voice has gone even quieter.

 

Dan looks over at Phil. He looks anxious, like Dan really is going to laugh at him or call him an idiot. He keeps his voice warm when he says, “I disagree.” Phil frowns a little and looks away, so Dan grabs his hand and squeezes. “I don’t think we met because it was destiny, and I don’t think it feels easy to be with you because we were supposed to be together. Meeting the way we did was a coincidence. And being with you is amazing because you’re amazing.”

 

Phil smirks. “Amazing?”

 

“Not like that, you twat.”

 

“Sorry, sorry,” Phil laughs. “But just think of all the things that had to happen to bring us together—I needed a flatmate, you had to find my stupid little hand-written advert at just the right time…”

 

“Those are literally coincidences, Phil.”

 

“Well, I don’t see it that way.”

 

“I guess we’ve finally found something we disagree on,” Dan chuckles.

 

“I’m sure there will be many more over the years.” Phil takes a sip of his coffee. He’s so casual, like he hadn’t just quietly assumed out loud that they’d still be together years down the road. Dan feels warmth blanket his body, a fond smile spreading across his cheeks.

 

“Yeah,” he says, lacing his fingers in between Phil’s. “I’m sure there will.”


	28. Chapter 28

“That’s it,” Dan announces as he enters the flat and slams the door behind him. “I’m going to quit for real this time.”

 

“Not a good shift, then?” Phil is slouched on the sofa with his MacBook in his lap. His legs are spread wide, feet up on the coffee table. He’s wearing a tight black tshirt and blue plaid pyjama bottoms, his hair in a quiff and his glasses frame his eyes and Dan thinks it’s possible he’s never looked hotter. Phil is such a welcome sight at the end of such a shit day it makes Dan’s chest tight.

 

He shakes his head, kicking off his shoes.

 

“I’m sorry, Dan. I did tell you you should just quit.” Phil leans forward and places the laptop on the table before making grabby hands at Dan.

 

Dan flops down beside Phil and rests his head on his shoulder. “I didn’t really think you were serious about that.”

 

Phil shrugs. “That place makes you miserable.”

 

Dan slides his fingers in between Phil’s and lifts their fists up to his mouth, kissing Phil’s soft knuckles. Sometimes it feels like this man might actually be too good to be true. “Yeah. But I like living here with you.”

 

“We can do it. We’re getting more popular every day. We’re actually starting to make money.”

 

“Really? Are we?”

 

Phil turns his head to look into Dan’s eyes. “Do you not check these things? Still?”

 

“Not very often.”

 

“Because of the trolls?” Phil asks gently.

 

“I guess.”

 

Phil nudges Dan’s thigh with his knee. “I wish you wouldn’t worry about that. There really aren’t that many of them.”

 

Dan sighs. “I know.”

 

“And they’re usually so rubbish they’re funny. Like ‘I hope your mum gets eaten by a scorpion.’ And the cat face video is really popular.”

 

Dan looks down at their intertwined fingers. “Are they saying what we thought they would?”

 

“Some people are,” Phil admits.

 

“Does it freak you out?” Dan holds his breath.

 

“No, of course not. People can say whatever they want. I’m not gonna let a stranger make me feel sad all day. And to be honest I doubt I could make a video with you where it _doesn’t_ look like I’m about to kiss you the whole time.”

 

“But they know we’re together,” Dan says quietly.

 

“They don’t know anything because we’re not going to tell them anything. They can speculate all they want. It doesn’t bother me at all.”

 

Dan smiles. “So you really think I can quit my job?”

 

“Yes, definitely. I want you to.”

 

“Oh, yeah?”

 

Phil nods.

 

“Why?”

 

“Because then you’ll be here with me all the time.”

 

Dan can’t help but laugh. “I barely ever leave this flat without you.”

 

“I know.” Phil squeezes Dan’s hand. “I just like you a little bit. I get bored when you’re gone.”

 

“I’m jealous and you’re clingy. Maybe we’re soulmates after all,” Dan chuckles.

 

“Oi, shut up.” Phil elbows Dan’s side playfully. “Don’t make fun of me, I was serious about that.”

 

Dan reaches out with his free hand and cups Phil’s cheek, pulling him close and planting a kiss on his forehead. “I know, I’m sorry.”

 

“So will you quit your job and become an internet hobo who never leaves the house and films videos all day with me?”

 

Dan laughs again. “Why does this feel like a proposal?”

 

“It is, of sorts,” Phil says.

 

“Well then, I accept. I’d love to be unemployed with you, Phil.”

 

Phil leans in and connects their lips, even as a smile spreads across his face and Dan ends up kissing Phil’s teeth. They laugh into each other’s mouth until Dan feels Phil’s tongue brush along his bottom lip and they got lost in the taste of each other.

 

After a few minutes Phil pulls back and says, “What am I going to do when you go back to school?”

 

Instantly, Dan’s stomach clenches and he feels all the levity and happiness he’d felt a moment earlier evaporate. He’s been pretty successful at keeping thoughts of lectures and essays and late night spirals into existential dread out of his mind. He’d honestly forgotten he only has a couple months before he has to return to that hellscape of fear and broken dreams. He tries to think of something to say, but all he can manage is a painfully weak chuckle.

 

“What’s wrong?” Phil is immediately concerned. Dan should know by now he can’t hide these things from the person who knows him best.

 

He wants to say ‘nothing,’ but he knows Phil will see through that. “I just,” his voice cracks a little. “Don’t really wanna go back there either.”

 

“Yeah, school is the worst,” Phil agrees. “But you’re smart. You can do it. It’s only what, three more years?”

 

Dan’s mouth tastes sour. He has the overwhelming urge to stand up and walk away, or maybe jump into Phil’s lap and kiss and grind until all thoughts of what he sees as inevitable failure and emptiness are gone. He doesn’t do that. He grits his teeth and says, “I know I probably _can_ do it. I just don’t want to.”

 

Phil looks at Dan for a moment before reaching out and pulling him into his lap. He doesn’t kiss Dan’s lips or bite his neck as he normally would in this position, just wraps his arms around him and hugs him tightly until Dan feels the tension leave his shoulders and his stuttered breathing return to normal. “Sorry,” Phil whispers into Dan’s chest. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

 

“I know, Phil. It’s not your fault. I just… I’d almost forgotten how scared I am to go back.”

 

“We don’t have to talk about it now, right? You still have a couple months before you have to go back?”

 

Dan rests the side of his face on the top of Phil’s head, the silky black hair tickling his chin. “Yeah. I have an exam I have to re-sit in August, though. I haven’t even thought about revising.”

 

Phil runs a hand up Dan’s shirt and lightly strokes the pads of his fingers along Dan’s spine. “Do you want me to help you?”

 

Dan shrugs.

 

“Ok. We can talk about it some other time, yeah? One crisis at a time.”

 

Dan nods, smiling.

 

“Are you hungry?”

 

Dan nods again.

 

“Can I make you dinner?”

 

Dan laughs. “Of course.”

 

Dan sits on the kitchen counter and watches while Phil cuts up veggies and throws them in a pan with some chicken. It’s not often they can be bothered to cobble together anything more than cereal or toast or popcorn, or just give up entirely and order takeaway, so this feels like a special occasion—especially since Phil keeps taking breaks to stand against the edge of the counter, wrapping his fingers around Dan’s hipbones and sucking on his bottom lip.

 

“Phil, Phil,” Dan mumbles against Phil’s mouth. “It’s burning.”

 

“Don’t care,” Phil’s voice rumbles from the back of his throat and Dan is almost tempted to say he doesn’t care either.

 

“Well I do, mate. I’m bloody starving.”

 

Phil pulls back and pouts dramatically before returning to the edge of the stove. “What did you do today?” Dan asks, trying to distract himself from the slight tightening of the crotch of his jeans.

 

“Wrote a script for a video,” Phil says, dumping a mystery sauce into the pan and jumping back when it hisses and bubbles violently.

 

“You need to turn the heat down, Phil,” Dan laughs, shaking his head. “I need to film a new video as well, it’s been a while since I put one up.”

 

“Any ideas?” Phil asks.

 

“Yeah, lots actually. Wanna have a filming day tomorrow?”

 

“Actually,” Phil says slowly, turning to lock eyes with Dan. “I invited Charlie to come over tomorrow.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Phil shuffles his feet nervously. “Yeah.”

 

“Ok. Do you want me to clear out, then?”

 

“What?” Phil returns to stand before Dan, leaning into the edge of the counter and placing his hands on Dan’s thighs. “Of course not. Why would I?”

 

“I dunno, it just got so weird last time.”

 

Phil runs his hands up higher on Dan’s thighs and squeezes. “It won’t this time. I want the two most important people in my life to be friends.”

 

Dan smiles. “Ok.”

 

“I made him promise he’d be on his best behaviour,” Phil chuckles. “And I promised him you and I wouldn’t fuck on the couch this time.”

 

Dan gasps in mock horror. “But we didn’t do that!”

 

Phil grins cheekily. “He doesn’t know that.”

 

*

 

Later that night, after they’ve eaten Phil’s stir-fry and played Crash Bandicoot for three hours and read comments on their videos together, they lie next to each other in Dan’s bed. They’re dressed only in their pants and their bodies are crushed together and Dan can taste the mint of Phil’s toothpaste as he licks into his mouth. It crosses Dan’s mind tonight, as it has every night since he’d first locked lips with Phil, that this level of frenzied desire may not be entirely normal. This many weeks on and the scent of Phil’s hair and the taste of his skin still light a fire inside him the likes of which he’s never felt before—not even close.

 

Phil’s hands are shoved into Dan’s boxers and squeezing his ass, pulling him in closer so he can feel Phil’s hardness rubbing against his own. He feels Phil’s finger slip between his cheeks, inching closer to the spot he’s never really touched with his hands before.

 

Phil says, “Can I?” and Dan says, “Fuck yes.” Phil rolls over and says, “Be right back,” and leaves the room, returning just moments later with the small red bottle in his hand. He climbs back into bed and spoons himself against Dan’s body, slowly pulling Dan’s pants down and kissing the junction of his neck and shoulder. Dan smells cherry and feels a slippery finger rub against him impossibly gently and Phil says, “Touch yourself.” Dan complies and strokes himself off slowly as Phil takes his time working his finger inside.

 

Dan can’t deny that it hurts a little a first, but the slight burn quickly gives way to a delicious stretch and he finds himself wanting it faster, deeper, bigger. “More,” Dan moans and Phil bites his shoulder and says, “Don’t wanna hurt you.”

 

“You won’t, Phil, please, it feels so good.” He’s begging and maybe he’ll feel bad about it later but right now all he wants is more, to be filled up and brought to the edge by Phil. It almost scares him how much he likes it, how bad he wants it. “Phil, will you fuck me?”

 

Phil groans and buries his face in Dan’s neck, pushes his finger a little deeper, and curls it in such a way that Dan feels a jolt of pleasure shoot up into the pit of his stomach. “Oh, fuck,” he moans. “Please, Phil, I want you inside me.”

 

Phil grips the sharp jut of Dan’s hip, hard. He pushes his finger knuckle deep and curls it again and Dan whimpers. “I can’t Dan, not tonight.”

 

“I want you so bad, Phil. I have for so long, I don’t want to wait anymore.” The way Phil’s making him feel is clouding his judgement and all he understands right now is desire, this burning hot need to feel Phil from the inside.

 

“I don’t either Dan, fuck, trust me I don’t,” Phil murmurs into Dan’s ear. He bites around the metal stud in the lobe and pushes a second slicked up finger against Dan’s rim. “But you’re not ready. It would hurt and I won’t do that to you.”

 

Dan opens his mouth to protest, so Phil reaches up with his free hand and shoves two fingers into his mouth. “Suck.”

 

It isn’t what he wanted, but it’s so hot and dirty and unexpected that Dan’s cock twitches in his hand and he closes his lips around Phil’s fingers and sucks. He starts moving his own hand over himself more quickly now, roughly, as Phil works in the second finger.

 

“I promise we will, soon,” Phil whispers in Dan’s ear. “I never wanted to pressure you but I’ve been wanting this. So much. I wanna know what it feels like to be deep inside you.”

 

Dan moans around Phil’s fingers and Phil pushes in deeper and crooks his fingers and suddenly Dan is coming, squeezing his eyes shut so tight he feels tears on his eyelashes. It rocks through his whole body for longer than he would have thought possible.

 

Phil pulls his fingers out slowly and carefully and wraps his arms around Dan’s chest and holds him until he’s come down. “Fuck,” Dan says, turning over and nuzzling his face into Phil’s neck. “You better keep that promise, mate.”

 

Phil laughs. “I will. I won’t be able to say no much longer Dan, I’m only human.”

 

Dan kisses Phil’s bottom lip and says, “Good. Now how would you like to me to service you tonight Phil?”

 

Phil laughs again, tongue sticking out this time and it’s too adorable for whatever’s about to happen between the two of them. “I get to choose?”

 

“Of course.”

 

In the end, it seems Phil chooses romance. He guides Dan’s hand to his cock and shuffles in closer and they kiss sweet and deep until Phil comes quietly on Dan’s long fingers. They fall asleep happy and sticky and tangled up in each other.

 

Well, Phil does. It’s possible Dan stays awake for another hour, maybe two. It’s possible that as soon as the glow of his rather earth-shattering orgasm fades and the man beside him slips into unconsciousness, his mind becomes fixated on a particular image. An image of Dan taking the bus to uni, sleeping through his classes and cramming until 6am only to fail all his exams. An image of Dan, weathered and miserable, wearing a rumpled suit and ugly shoes sat at a desk flipping through endless stacks of files.

 

He tries to push the thoughts away, but with only the sound of Phil’s soft breathing to distract him, he can’t. He can’t quell the rising tide of fear and dread and desperation that crash over him. He lies perfectly still as his heart pounds, balls his hands up into tight fists and digs his nails into his palms until the pain prickles strong enough to shift his focus.

 

He takes a deep breath, then another. He’s about to sit up when he feels Phil shift beside him, feels the solid weight of Phil’s arm curl around his waist.

 

“You ok?” Phil mumbles sleepily.

 

Dan doesn’t trust himself to answer. He doesn’t want Phil to see him have a second freak out in a single day, hopes he’s tired enough to drift back to sleep before he finds out how dysfunctional Dan really is.

 

“You thinking about school?”

 

Dan starts. “How did you know?”

 

“I’m psychic.”

 

“Right.”

 

Phil squeezes Dan’s middle. “What can I do?”

 

“Nothing Phil, I’m fine, go back to sleep.”

 

Phil ignores him completely. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

 

“Definitely not. I don’t even want to think about it.”

 

“Ok. You know…” Phil trails off.

 

“What?” Dan asks.

 

“Just, I wonder if it’s worth it. If it makes you this unhappy.”

 

Dan frowns. “You mean you think I should drop out?”

 

“I’m not saying that. Not necessarily. Just that it’s something to think about. Maybe you could take a year out? I don’t like seeing you like this. I hate the look you get on your face anytime anyone mentions uni.”

 

Dan melts a little. “That’s sweet, Phil. But my parents would fucking disown me.”

 

Phil reaches up and strokes his thumb over Dan’s cheek. “It’s your life, Dan, not theirs. They don’t get to decide what’s best for you anymore.”

 

He’s right, Dan thinks. He leans in for a kiss but misses Phil’s mouth, instead catching him square on the chin. “Oops,” he giggles.

 

“Do you wanna watch something on my laptop?” Phil asks.

 

Dan nods against Phil’s shoulder. Phil gets up and returns a minute later with his computer. He puts on a quiet anime and they snuggle up to watch together. Dan sneaks a glance at Phil’s face, sleepy but beautiful, illuminated by the glow of the screen. “I fucking love you, you know that?” he says quietly.

 

Phil smiles. “I know.”

 

Dan snorts, bumping his shoulder into Phil’s. “Ok, Han.”

 

This time, when Phil falls asleep, Dan is right there with him.


	29. Chapter 29

“I can’t drop out.” Dan’s lying flat on his back, staring up at the ceiling.

 

Phil stirs beside him, yawning, stretching out his arms and legs. He turns onto his side facing Dan. “Hmm?”

 

“I can’t just drop out of school, Phil. It made me feel better when you said that last night, like, it made me feel like there was light at the end of the tunnel, but… I always quit everything, or put it off or do a half-assed job and I don’t want to be that person and my parents would be so pissed, I know you said it’s not their life but I just don’t think I could survive that level of disapproval, especially since I’m thinking about quitting my job, too, which they’re also going to give me shit for and—”

 

“Dan.” Phil reaches out and presses two fingers to Dan’s lips. “It’s ok. You don’t have to drop out. I certainly wasn’t trying to tell you you should. Maybe I should have thought about it more before I said that. It just makes me a little crazy to see you with that look on your face.”

 

“I don’t want to be a failure anymore,” Dan says quietly. He’d woken up early despite the late night and he’d been staring at the ceiling and allowing his mind to crystallize on the painful reality that at this point, any decision he makes is going to require a certain amount of suffering and varying degrees of regret. He’s being dramatic and he knows it, but that doesn’t mean he knows how to stop.

 

“You’re not a failure.” Phil leans in and kisses Dan in the space between his eyes. “Don’t even say that.”

 

“I can’t drop out,” he whispers, feeling his chin quiver slightly, his eyes pricking with the moisture he’s desperate not to spill. “I can’t.”

 

“Ok,” Phil agrees. He brushes Dan’s curling fringe off his forehead gently.

 

Dan closes his eyes and breathes in through his nose deeply. He gropes around in the sheets until his fingers find Phil’s and he clutches the soft hand tightly. They lie next to each other in silence for a few minutes until Phil says, “I can tell Charlie we’re busy today.”

 

Dan opens his eyes and looks over at Phil. “What? No.”

 

“He won’t min—”

 

“No, Phil. That would make me feel worse. I don’t want to ruin your life on top of everything else.”

 

Phil wrenches his hand from Dan’s and sits up. “Don’t do that, Dan.” His voice is still quiet, but now it’s edged with a gravity Dan’s not sure he’s heard there before.

 

Dan’s heart is pounding. “What?”

 

“Don’t talk about yourself like that.”

 

“I’m sorry, it’s just that—”

 

“No,” Phil interjects. “Just nothing. You haven’t ruined your life. You’re twenty years old. You live in a nice flat. You have a family who supports you, a friend who cares about you and a boyfriend who loves you.”

 

Dan sits up and leans back against the headboard. “Yeah,” he says quietly.

 

“So you picked a degree you ended up hating. You work a shitty job you hate. You don’t have to keep doing something you hate. You can do anything you want. Whether you decide to go back to uni or not, it doesn’t matter. You haven’t ruined anything.”

 

Dan looks down at his hands. “I’m sorry, Phil. I’ll stop complaining.”

 

“It’s not about that. It just…” Phil sighs. “It hurts _me_ when you say stuff like that. Because you could never do anything to ruin my life. You make my life so much better. I wouldn’t let anyone else talk about you like that so why should I let you?”

 

Dan doesn’t know what to say. He’s never seen Phil get worked up about anything, much less about something Dan himself did.

 

“Sorry,” Phil says quietly after a long silence. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t the right way to react.”

 

Dan shakes his head. “It’s ok. I was being stupid.”

 

“You should be allowed to say whatever you want to me. I’m supposed to be here to hear you out and make you feel better. I just feel…” He reaches out and takes Dan’s hand again. “I feel very protective of you, I guess. Even if it’s just protecting you from yourself.”

 

Dan smiles. “Thanks. I think I need that sometimes.”

 

“I’m here, Dan, ok? I’m here and you can talk to me and I’ll help you in any way you need to make this decision. I just need you to remember that it’s not too late. If you don’t like something, you can always change it. If you want to go back and finish your law degree, or you want to pick a new degree or take a year out or quit altogether, it’ll be alright. We’ll figure it out. Ok?”

 

Dan nods. His chest is still tight and he knows he’s not done with feeling this particular brand of panic, but this is enough for now. It’s enough to bury his face in Phil’s neck and feel Phil’s arms wrap around him. It’s enough to pull Phil back down under the sheets and kiss his soft lips until the thrumming of anxiety quiets.

 

*

 

“He’ll be over in a few hours,” Phil says, handing Dan a Hello Kitty mug of steaming coffee before sitting next to Dan on the sofa.

 

“Ok.”

 

“You gonna be alright?”

 

Dan rolls his eyes theatrically. “Yes, Phil, god. I promise I’ll be nice. It’s only gonna be weird if you keep making me feel weird about it.”

 

“You’re right, I’ll stop now, I swear.”

 

Dan takes a sip of his coffee and winces. “Bloody hell that’s strong.”

 

“We didn’t get much sleep last night,” Phil shrugs.

 

“Yeah, sorry.” Dan reaches out and gives Phil a cheeky grope through his pjs. “Want me to make it up to you?”

 

Phil laughs. “Yes. Later. Right now I’m starving.”

 

Dan is about to whine at Phil’s rejection when he realizes he’s incredibly hungry as well. “Ok, let’s make something.”

 

“Pancakes?” It’s not surprising—Dan thinks Phil would eat pancakes every day if they weren’t so often too lazy to make them.

 

Dan nods. “Of course. Just let me finish this swill first.”

 

“You’re gonna make them for me?” Phil asks hopefully.

 

“No way, mate. You have to help.”

 

“Fine, then,” Phil pouts. “I need to practice my flipping skills anyway. Today’s the day I master the double flip.”

 

“Oh, is it?” Dan teases, knowing full well that Phil pulling off a double pancake flip is probably never going to happen.

 

Phil nods. “Definitely.”

 

“I need to capture that on camera for posterity,” Dan chuckles.

 

Phil pauses for a moment. “You could.”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“You could film it. We could film ourselves making pancakes. You said you need to film a new video.”

 

“Yeah but I’m not a cooking channel,” Dan protests.

 

Phil shrugs. “You know people would love it.”

 

“You think?”

 

Phil nods again. “They like it when we make videos together.”

 

Dan thinks for a minute. “It doesn’t really suit the danisnotonfire brand though, does it?”

 

Phil snorts. “Brand?”

 

“Yeah, you know, awkward and relatable but kind of edgy and cool at the same time.”

 

Phil bites his lip, his face slowly reddening. “Mhmm,” he mumbles, obviously trying not to laugh.

 

Dan shoves Phil hard in the shoulder. “Oh, fuck off.”

 

“Let’s just film it and if you don’t want it on your channel I’ll put it on mine. It suits my brand perfectly.”

 

*

 

They’re just turning off the camera when the doorbell rings.

 

“That’s some freakishly good timing,” Dan mumbles. Despite all the assurances he’d given Phil, he’s nervous. He doesn’t quite know what to expect from seeing Charlie again.

 

“I’ll go let him in.”

 

Phil turns to leave the kitchen and Dan grabs his arm. “No, I’ll do it. Maybe you can give us a minute?”

 

Phil’s eyes widen. “Really?”

 

Dan nods. “I feel like it’s gonna be too awkward if we don’t have a little chat first.”

 

“Dan…” Phil sounds torn.

 

“I’m going to be nice, trust me here, I’m trying to be brave for once, Phil. Go make yourself busy for five minutes.”

 

He looks at Dan for a long time before he agrees. He leaves the kitchen and heads toward his room and Dan forces himself toward the front door. He’s not feeling brave, at all, but he knows this guy is important to Phil and he doesn’t want to screw it up any more than he already has.

 

“Hello? Are you gonna let me in, Philly?” Charlie calls through the door. “You better not be nake—”

 

Dan wrenches the door open quickly before Charlie can finish that thought. “Oh, Dan. Uh, hi.” He sounds even more nervous than Dan feels, and for some reason that makes him feel a little better. “Phil _is_ here, right?”

 

“Yeah, of course. Come in.” He steps aside as Charlie enters the flat tentatively. “He’s just in his room. I…” he runs his hand through his hair fretfully. “I wanted to talk to you for a sec. About last time…”

 

“Fuck me, really?” Charlie laughs. “Do we have to?”

 

“Oh, uh,” Dan stutters. Fuck. He’d planned this going much smoother. “I just wanted to apolo—”

 

“You don’t have to,” Charlie interjects. “You really don’t. I was being a twat. I deserved it.”

 

“I was too, though. And so was Phil.”

 

Charlie laughs again, flipping his long brown fringe out of his eyes. “Yeah, I guess we all were.”

 

Dan nods.

 

“Anyway, you don’t have to worry, I’m definitely not trying to get back with him or anything like that. It wouldn’t work even if I was. He never bloody shuts up about you. It’s annoying to be honest.”

 

Dan smiles. “Well he talks to me about you too, mate. So there’s nothing to worry about there either.”

 

“Glad we got that sorted.” Charlie kicks off his shoes and walks over to the sofa. He flops himself down and says, “If I ever do or say anything daft, just ignore me. Or tell me to fuck off. Half the time I don’t even realize it.”

 

Dan shakes his head. “It’s ok. I think we’re all on the same page now.”

 

Charlie nods. “You can go get your loverboy now.”

 

Dan doesn’t do that. He sits on the opposite end of the sofa and shouts Phil’s name instead. Phil joins them in the lounge with a grin on his face. “You bellowed?”

 

“We had a heart-to-heart Philip,” Charlie coos.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Kind of,” Dan says. “Do you guys want me to clear out?”

 

“Nope,” Phil says, wedging himself between them. “The three of us are gonna play video games all day.”

 

“What? No!” Charlie whines.

 

“Yep,” Phil says cheerfully. “You owe me.”

 

“I do not.”

 

“You do and you know it. You can take me to some stupid club or something next time. I’ll even let you pick the game.”

 

Charlie sighs and rolls his eyes. “You know I don’t know any, you asshole.”

 

In the end Dan chooses the game—Sonic 4. Charlie gives up trying to play after ten minutes, but admits that watching the way Dan and Phil trade off and yell at each other is more fun anyway. Dan turns into an epic rage beast and Phil delights in trolling him any way he can. The angrier he gets the more Phil distracts him, and Charlie delights in all of it.

 

“This is what you guys should be filming, not baking fucking pancakes,” Charlie says at one point.

 

Dan gives Phil a look. “That’s… not a bad idea, actually.”

 

“Yeah,” Phil agrees. “It’s what we spend 90% of our time doing, anyway. Maybe we should look into that.”

 

“You should,” Charlie says. “It’s the new thing.”

 

*

 

“Hey Phil?” Dan is sitting on the edge of Phil’s bed, watching him undress. The lights are off except for Dan’s amber lamp. Dan doesn’t think he’ll ever be immune to the beauty of that yellow light softly illuminating the curves of Phil’s naked back.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“We spent all day with your ex.”

 

Phil chuckles, pulling off his jeans. “Yeah. Sorry.”

 

“I didn’t mean it like that. It just made me think.”

 

Phil sits next to Dan. They’re both wearing nothing but their pants, as has become the new norm for them. They probably shouldn’t even wear pants, as it’s basically guaranteed they’ll be tearing them off before the night is over, but they’re clinging to at least some semblance of decorum—for now.

 

“About what?” Phil asks softly.

 

“About Rain.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“What about her, exactly?”

 

“I miss her.” Dan reaches out and tugs lightly on Phil’s hair, just to reassure him. “Like, I miss talking to her. We used to talk a lot when I first moved in here, before… us. She helped me a lot. I haven’t talked to her that much lately and just seeing you with Charlie today reminded me that I miss having a friend like that.”

 

“You should call her.”

 

“Yeah, I really should.”

 

Phil scoots closer and slings his arm across Dan’s shoulders. “I’d like to meet her.”

 

“You would?”

 

Phil nods. “Of course. I want to meet everyone who means something to you.”

 

There are things Dan wants to say, questions he wants to ask and plans he wants to make, but they’ll have to wait. He can’t just hear Phil say something like that and not kiss him. He climbs into Phil’s lap and takes his face in his hands and leans down and kisses him—softly at first, but then harder and deeper and wetter until they’re scrabbling at each other’s backs and rolling onto the bed and tugging off those stupid fucking pants they’d known they weren’t going to need. Dan slicks up two fingers and scissors Phil open as Phil kisses Dan’s ears and neck and chest. He lays Phil on his back and looks into his eyes as he pushes in slowly. Their eyes stay locked for every moment that their lips don’t touch, until Dan drops his head down and bites the meat of Phil’s shoulder as he comes. He pulls out and strokes Phil off quickly.

 

Afterwards, Dan’s head rests on Phil’s chest and Phil’s arm cradles Dan’s back. “Next time it’s my turn.” Dan makes Phil promise. He’s not waiting anymore.


	30. Chapter 30

**_Dan_ ** _: how much do you love me?_

**_Rain_ ** _: i'm sure this question isn't loaded at all.._

**_Dan_ ** _: it may be, just a little_

**_Rain_ ** _: you're a shit friend howell. you only talk to me when you need something_

 

Dan cringes. She's right. He'd promised himself he was going to try harder.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: i'm really sorry about that. i've been.. distracted o.O_

**_Rain_ ** _: making out with your boyfriend, i know_

**_Dan_ ** _: among other things... ;]_

**_Rain_ ** _: why do you always make me beg for details like a fucking perv??_

**_Dan_ ** _: it's just fun_

**_Rain_ ** _: i'm waiting_

**_Dan_ ** _: that's not what i wanted to talk to you about!!_

**_Rain_ ** _: don't care. you want me at you beck and call, i get graphic details about your sex life_

**_Dan_ ** _: who said we've had sex?_

**_Rain_ ** _: have you not??_

**_Dan_ ** _: maybe_

**_Rain_ ** _: don't make me come over there_

**_Dan_ ** _: THAT'S what i wanted to talk to you about!_

**_Rain_ ** _: what do you mean_

**_Dan_ ** _: i want you to come over here_

**_Rain_ ** _: -.- why_

**_Dan_ ** _: i miss you. and phil wants to meet you_

**_Rain_ ** _: you do? he does???_

**_Dan_ ** _: of course. and yes!_

**_Rain_ ** _: well damn. you guys must be getting on_

**_Dan_ ** _: yeah. he's alright_

**_Rain_ ** _: it's ok dan, he's not here, you can gush. i'll try not to puke_

**_Dan_ ** _: i guess it still feels a little weird.._

**_Rain_ ** _: because he's a bloke or because it's me?_

**_Dan_ ** _: you_

**_Rain_ ** _: for the millionth time, you don't need to worry about that. please. i want to hear all about your disgusting love for your boyfriend_

**_Dan_ ** _: he's the best_

**_Rain_ ** _: that's all i get??_

**_Dan_ ** _: what more do you want!_

**_Rain_ ** _: everything. literally everything. we can start with the sex thing_

**_Dan_ ** _: you really are a perv_

**_Rain_ ** _: when did i say i wasn't?_

**_Dan_ ** _: fair enough_

**_Rain_ ** _: god dan. i can't believe you're gonna make me say it. are you still a butt virgin or not_

**_Dan_ ** _: are you 12_

**_Rain_ ** _: you have that effect on me. i revert to all my baser instincts when i talk to you. and i still want an answer_

**_Dan_ ** _: do you mean like my butt or his butt_

**_Rain_ ** _: !!!!1!_

**_Dan_ ** _: XD_

**_Rain_ ** _: let's start with his_

**_Dan_ ** _: no_

**_Rain_ ** _: omg. yours??!?!_

**_Dan_ ** _: i mean, in the incredibly juvenile way that you mean it, yes_

**_Rain_ ** _: how very dare you call me juvenile. i just want to know if you've had a knob in your arse_

**_Dan_ ** _: you're foul_

**_Rain_ ** _: so you haven't?_

**_Dan_ ** _: not yet_

**_Rain_ ** _: !!!!!_

**_Dan_ ** _: you're so articulate today_

**_Rain_ ** _: i'm sorry. i am. i know i'm gross. it's just that i've only talked to you once since the last time i saw you. you've made so much progress in such a short time_

**_Dan_ ** _: i couldn't have done it without you_

**_Rain_ ** _: <333 _

**_Dan_ ** _: you can stop being surprised now though. i'm fully in love with him, like, it's kind of ridiculous_

**_Rain_ ** _: love? have you said that to each other?_

**_Dan_ ** _: yeah_

**_Rain_ ** _: wtf.. so fast, m8_

**_Dan_ ** _: i know. i don't care. i've never felt like this before_

 

He presses send before he realizes what he's said. She doesn't respond. His stomach sinks. Why is he like this? Why can't he be a good friend to her even once?

 

**_Dan_ ** _: fuck. i'm such a tosser. i'm sorry, i didn't mean it like that._

**_Rain_ ** _: you did. and it's ok. i mean it was pretty obvious._

**_Dan_ ** _: still shouldn't have said it_

**_Rain_ ** _: you can make it up to me with more details_

**_Dan_ ** _: ok... phil is talented with his mouth_

**_Rain_ ** _: !!!!_

**_Dan_ ** _: that's how i feel every time_

**_Rain_ ** _: so phil is a bj master.. interesting_

**_Dan_ ** _: that's only half of it_

**_Rain_ ** _: i can't keep smashing exclamation points mate_

**_Dan_ ** _: sorry_

**_Rain_ ** _: so all i needed to do to get you to give a shit was lick your ass? wish i'd know that.._

 

Dan stares at his phone. Of course, tone is hard to convey over text, but it's hard to read her words any way but one.

 

**_Rain_ ** _: my turn to be an insensitive asshole... the opposite of yours :']_

**_Dan_ ** _: -.-_

**_Rain_ ** _: sorry. can we just forget i said that please._

**_Dan_ ** _: i think we both need a little more practice with the whole 'friend' thing_

**_Rain_ ** _: yeah_

**_Dan_ ** _: which is why you should come to manchester and stay with us_

**_Rain_ ** _: did i not already say yes?_

**_Dan_ ** _: you did not_

**_Rain_ ** _: well of course i will. i'd love to meet the man you love_

**_Dan_ ** _: you'll end up loving him too_

 

*

 

"Phi-il!" Dan shouts in the whiney tone he reserves especially for Phil.

 

Phil pokes his head around the wall that separates the lounge from the kitchen, where he's making popcorn. "What?"

 

"Must you always leave your socks lying around?"

 

"My feet got hot!"

 

Dan rolls his eyes and throws a shark-covered sock at Phil theatrically. "Slob."

 

Phil sticks his tongue out. "Be nice, or no popcorn for you."

 

"Well I guess you're lucky I love popcorn." Dan joins Phil in the kitchen, hoisting himself up to sit on the counter. "I talked to Rain today."

 

"Oh yeah?"

 

Dan nods.

 

"Did you tell her I want to meet her?"

 

Dan nods again. "She said she can come in like a month. She couldn't get time off work any sooner."

 

Phil smiles. "That's good. Gives me time to emotionally prepare myself."

 

Dan frowns, crossing his arms over his chest. "What d'you mean?"

 

"Just, meeting your ex, you know. It's kind of a lot."

 

"No it's not. I met Charlie, didn't I?"

 

The microwave beeps. Phil pulls out the steaming back gingerly and drops it on the counter. "Ow, hot." He walks over to stand in front of Dan. "You did. But that's different."

 

"How?"

 

"He and I were never really together."

 

Dan sighs. "He knows what it feels like to have your mouth on his body. It's not that different."

 

"We were never in love."

 

"Are you sure about that?" Dan's not quite sure how they'd managed to create tension out of nowhere. Having exes for friends is turning out to be harder to navigate than he'd thought.

 

Phil puts his hand on Dan's knee. "I'm sure I wasn't."

 

The warmth of Phil's touch melts Dan's apprehension a little. "I don't think I was either. She's an amazing person who's always deserved better than an emo punk who mostly just takes her for granted."

 

"But still," Phil continues. "You guys were together for a long time. She knows you well. She's still the person you think about talking to when something big happens."

 

"But now she's not the only one," Dan says warmly. He takes Phil's face in his hands and leans down to kiss him. "There's nothing to prepare for. She wants to meet you and she's going to love you. Ok?"

 

Phil nods.

 

"Can we have popcorn now?"

 

*

 

Later, they're sitting on the sofa, three hours into bingeing old episodes of Pokemon. Phil is leaning back against Dan's chest as Dan runs his fingers through Phil's glossy hair.

 

"Phil."

 

"What?"

 

Dan sits up a little straighter, looking closely at Phil's hair. "Are you ginger?"

 

Phil chuckles. "Yeah, didn't you know?"

 

"Uh no, what the fuck. You never told me."

 

Phil shrugs. "Guess I forgot. It's not something I think about a lot. I've been dying my hair for years now."

 

"I'm offended," Dan huffs.

 

"Why?"

 

"I want to know everything about you, you spork. What kind of person doesn't know the colour of his boyfriend's hair?"

 

"The very silly overdramatic kind," Phil laughs.

 

"Well your roots are coming in."

 

"I know," Phil says, pushing his head back into Dan's chest playfully. "I've been too lazy to dye it."

 

"I could do it for you, if you want," Dan offers.

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Yes, AmazingPhil. You've got an emo aesthetic to uphold, after all."

 

*

 

"Careful Dan, I can feel it dripping down my neck!" Phil squeals. He's sat in one of their dining chairs in the kitchen, wearing a ratty black tshirt and a pair of old trackies.

 

"Oh shut up, it'll wash off," Dan laughs, though he dutifully tries to stop the dribble of black dye with a gloved finger.

 

"Yeah but my skin will be stained for days," Phil huffs.

 

"And?" Dan rubs the pads of his fingers into Phil's scalp, massaging the colour into Phil's roots. "Who're you trying to impress, mate? I'm the only one who's gonna be looking at you closely enough to notice."

 

Phil closes his eyes and sighs. "Well maybe I wanna impress you, then."

 

"I'll still love you even if you have a black neck Phil, don't worry." He steps back to assess his handiwork. "I think it's done."

 

"Mmm, I think it needs another five minutes."

 

"You just want more head massaging," Dan accuses.

 

"Yes."

 

Dan chuckles, running his fingers through the wet strands. "You owe me. This stuff smells likes shit."

 

"I think I'll figure out some way to make it up to you."

 

Ten minutes later, Dan pulls his aching fingers from Phil's hair. "Ok, it's definitely done. Your hair is going to be too black for this universe, now."

 

"Just the way I like it."

 

Dan carefully peels off the stained gloves. "How long does it have to sit?"

 

"Like twenty minutes or something."

 

"And did you mean what I think you meant when you said you'd figure out a way to make it up to me?"

 

Phil turns around and gives Dan a cheeky grin. "Yes."

 

Dan's heart flutters. "Then I'm off to shower."

 

"You could just wait twenty minutes and shower with me."

 

Dan shakes his head. "Nope." He has cleaning to do—thorough cleaning that’s not exactly sexy. He makes up a lie. “I don’t wanna get splashed with that shit when you’re rinsing it out.”

 

Phil pouts. “Fine. Give me my phone before you leave me at least.”

 

Dan rolls his eyes, handing Phil his mobile. “I think you’ll survive.”

 

*

 

Dan is standing in front of the breakfast bar, scrolling through tumblr on his phone. He’s wearing nothing but a pair of pants and a slight dew on his skin from the shower. He can feel his fringe curling against his forehead as it dries. He’d meant to grab the phone and wait for Phil in his room, but of course he’d become instantly distracted. He doesn’t realize he’s just standing there awkwardly until he feels Phil come up behind him and wrap his arms around his waist.

 

“What’re you doing?” Phil asks, voice low.

 

Dan shivers at the touch of Phil’s damp skin against his. Neither of them are wearing shirts and the feeling of Phil’s chest hair brushing his back gives Dan a thrill. “Waiting for you.”

 

“You look good,” Phil whispers into Dan’s ear. “But you’re overdressed.”

 

Dan chuckles. “I’m practically naked.”

 

“Exactly.”

 

Dan feels Phil hook his fingers over the waist of his pants and tug, dropping them down around his ankles. Phil pushes himself forward and Dan can feel that they’re both naked. Phil grips Dan’s hips and trails kisses down his neck before biting his shoulder. “Can I do something?”

 

“Anything,” Dan whispers. He feels Phil’s hand between his shoulder blades, pushing him down gently until his chest rests against the cold, smooth countertop of the breakfast bar. His heart pounds as Phil’s hands run along his sides and down to his ass. Phil spreads his cheeks and all of a sudden Dan feels Phil’s mouth against him. “Oh fuck.”

 

He brings his arms up and grips the opposite edge of the bar as Phil slowly tongues him open. Something about the location and the suddenness make it feel extra hot, extra dirty. Every time Phil does this Dan is shocked anew at just how incredible and intimate it feels, but this is on another level entirely. He bites his lip to keep from begging Phil to fuck him right then and there, but eventually he can’t stop himself. “Phil, please. I need more.”

 

Phil stands up and Dan can feel he’s not the only one who’s hard and leaking. “Come on,” Phil says, taking Dan’s hand and leading him to his bedroom. Dan climbs onto the bed quickly and lies down on his back. He watches Phil fish around under the bed until he finds the now ubiquitous bottle of sticky red cherry.

 

Phil leans down over Dan and connects their lips and kisses him deeply, breathing hot and heavy against Dan’s mouth. It makes Dan’s stomach flip to see Phil’s obvious excitement. Then the air is filled with the saccharine scent of the lube and he feels Phil rub a slippery finger against him. “Yeah?” Phil asks, nudging Dan to open his legs wider.

 

Dan nods, biting Phil’s lip, gasping a little when he feels the finger push inside. He moans loudly as Phil works him open enough to add a second finger. He’s never been quiet, but he might be a little embarrassed later when he remembers just how little restraint he’s showing now. It feels so good and his body is so alight with pleasure and nerves that he can’t be bothered to bite back the noises.

 

Once he’s relaxed and open enough for Phil to add a third finger, he realizes Phil isn’t going to take the next step until Dan asks him to. “Phil?”

 

Phil grunts against Dan’s neck, apparently incapable of vocalizing his acknowledgement.

 

“I’m ready.”

 

Phil pulls back to look into Dan’s eyes. “Are you sure?”

 

“Definitely. Are you?”

 

Phil bites his lip and nods. He sits up and reaches over to grab his wallet from the bedside table, pulling out a square of shiny silver plastic.

 

“You don’t have to—”

 

“It’ll be easier if I do,” Phil says, ripping the packet open with his teeth. “It’ll be smoother. Plus it’ll stop me from coming inside you after five seconds.”

 

Dan’s stomach swoops. He reaches out and takes the condom from Phil’s hand, pinching the tip and rolling it down over Phil’s rock hard cock. Knowing it’s about to be inside him makes Dan realize just how well-endowed Phil really is and in spite of himself, he feels a little thrill of fear. He lies back down, heart pounding, but Phil shakes his head.

 

“You should be on top.” He lies down next to Dan and motions for him to climb up.

 

Dan submits, hitching his leg and straddling Phil’s hips. He can feel Phil’s cock against his leg and he reaches out and places his trembling fingers on Phil’s chest. Phil notices.

 

“Hey, you ok?”

 

Dan nods. He’s been thinking about this moment for weeks. He wants it more than he can say. But he knows Phil will never forgive him if he isn’t honest about the fears he has in this moment. “I’m a little scared.”

 

“We can stop.” His response is instantaneous.

 

“No,” Dan says quickly. “No, I want you. I want you so bad. I’m just being stupid.”

 

“It’s not stupid. It’s ok, it makes sense. I felt the same way my first time.”

 

“And it was ok?” Dan asks quietly.

 

“It was good. It’s gonna be really good, Dan, as long as you’re ready.”

 

“Do you think I’m ready?”

 

Phil smiles. “I opened you up really well and I put like a half a bottle of lube on my dick. It’s definitely not going to hurt. But only you can decide if you’re ready.”

 

“Kiss me.”

 

Phil props himself up on his elbows and Dan leans down and crushes their lips together. He reaches back and takes Phil’s cock in his hand, lining him up against his rim. “I love you. I’m ready.”

 

“I love you too, Dan.”

 

He sinks himself down and realizes Phil is right—it definitely doesn’t hurt. He feels himself stretch wider than anything he’s ever felt, but the slight burn quickly gives way to an electric buzz of pleasure and he starts riding Phil in earnest. Phil drops back down off his elbows and grabs Dan’s hips, never once taking his eyes off Dan’s face.

 

Through the intensity of the sensations Dan registers how devastatingly beautiful Phil is, his face flushed, raven hair falling into big blue eyes that stay trained unwaveringly on Dan. He moves himself up and down on Phil at a steady, controlled pace and they trade quiet moans and breathy sighs back and forth—until Phil starts thrusting up to meet Dan as he sinks down. He hits a spot in Dan that sends a shock through his whole body and suddenly everything becomes frenzied and frantic. Dan cries out and grinds himself down onto Phil’s hard thrusts, digging his nails into Phil’s chest.

 

Dan leans down so they’re chest to chest, allowing Phil to take over. “Fuck me, Phil, harder,” he moans filthily and Phil does, holding Dan’s waist for leverage.

 

They carry on this way until Phil croaks through gritted teeth, “If you don’t come soon, I will.”

 

“Touch me,” Dan orders.

 

All of a sudden, Phil sits up and all but throws Dan backwards onto the bed. He spreads Dan’s legs open wide and pushes himself back inside, wrapping a hand around Dan’s cock and tugging in time with his thrusts. “Come for me, Dan.”

 

The sudden change in position and the feeling of big warm hands stroking him off, combined with the undeniable sexiness of Phil’s sudden loss of composure is too much for Dan and he feels heat coiling in the pit of his stomach. Just before he tips over the edge he hears Phil moan, “I’m sorry, I’m gonna come,” and then his muscles tense and he clenches around Phil tightly. His head spins and his eyes squeeze shut and he feels himself pulsing against Phil’s hand. It’s all too good, too much—he feels like he’s never going to come down, like he’ll be riding these waves of euphoria forever.

 

But eventually he does come down, and he feels every single muscle in his body melt. He’s vaguely aware of stickiness on his lower stomach and a slight throbbing emptiness between his legs as Phil collapses beside him. Once the fog clears from his brain he looks over at Phil and says, “Did you…?”

 

“Yeah,” Phil pants. “Definitely did.” He pulls the ruined condom off and tosses it onto the floor. “That’ll probably never happen again, you know.”

 

“What?” Dan asks blearily. His eyelids are heavy and really all he wants to do is curl his body up against Phil’s and give in to his sudden exhaustion.

 

“Coming at the same time,” Phil chuckles.

 

“Oh, right.” He closes his eyes.

 

Phil pulls the duvet up over their sweat-slick bodies. “You alright?”

 

“Mhmm.” Dan turns over onto his side, flinging his arm across Phil’s chest. “Tired.”

 

“Ok, you sleep. We can talk in the morning.”

 

“Bout what?” Dan mumbles against Phil’s shoulder. He’s really barely awake now. He thinks he feels Phil press a kiss against his temple, but he doesn’t hear whatever Phil says next. He’s finally given in to the irresistible pull of sleep.


	31. Chapter 31

Dan wakes up the next morning lying on his stomach, one foot hanging off the edge of the bed, face buried in the pillow. He reaches his hand up to his mouth and feels the dried remnants of what must have been an embarrassingly copious amount of drool. He opens his eyes and lifts his head and sees Phil, bright-eyed and messy-haired.

 

“Morning,” Phil says, grinning.

 

Dan buries his face back into the pillow. All he can manage is a groan. Every muscle in his body aches.

 

Phil giggles. “I think we found a cure for your insomnia.”

 

Dan’s mind flashes back to last night—the searing pleasure exploding across his body, followed closely by the crushing exhaustion. He vaguely recalls passing out mid-conversation. “Oh, fuck. Sorry.”

 

“It’s alright. I take it as a compliment.”

 

“You should.”

 

Dan sees Phil’s cheeks flush a lovely pink. “So you’re ok?”

 

Dan rolls his eyes. “Could you not tell?”

 

“I wouldn’t want to assume.”

 

Dan shifts so he’s lying on his side. “You want me to tell you how good you are Phil?”

 

“If you want,” Phil says coyly.

 

“You’re good. So good. Too good.”

 

“How good?”

 

“The best.”

 

Phil laughs. “You are too. I’m sorry I never told you that before.”

 

“Well unlike you, I was fine with assuming.”

 

“Shut up,” Phil laughs, leaning forward and biting the tip of Dan’s nose. “So you’re not… sore?”

 

Dan takes a moment to consider. “I am, but not where you’d think. That was more exercise than I’ve gotten in like, years.”

 

Phil smirks. “Well you better get used to it, Danny boy.”

 

Dan shuffles himself closer to Phil’s naked body. “Not a problem. As long as I still get to do it to you sometimes, too.”

 

“Of course.”

 

*

 

The next month seems to pass in a jumbled blur of YouTube, sex, domesticity and increasingly frequent existential crises.

 

They script, film, edit and upload videos every week. They toy with the idea of starting a joint gaming channel and research the equipment necessary to record gameplay. They begin to build a brand for themselves on twitter and tumblr, engaging with the base they’ve built and working to expand it. They even attend a YouTube gathering in London, meeting more than a few likeminded people and making plans for collaborations.

 

Dan keeps waiting for the powerful desire he feels to touch and kiss and lick Phil’s body whenever it’s anywhere near him to wane, but if anything it only intensifies the more intimately they get to know each other. Every day affords a new opportunity to learn a new quirk, a new kink. Secrets are shared, whispered against their pillows beneath the dark, forgiving safety blanket of night, techniques honed every time their bodies meet.

 

They take turns doing the laundry and hoovering the carpets. They scrub toilets and wash windows. They pay their bills and order groceries and start making efforts to learn how to properly cook.

 

They also have lots of little arguments. Phil is a whirlwind of a man, blowing through the flat leaving a trail of opened cupboards and dirty socks in his wake. Dan is learning that he is more anal about tidiness than he’d previously realized. Usually he can quietly place Phil’s crusty cereal bowls in the dishwasher or wipe the dribbles of toothpaste off the bathroom sink without complaint, but every so often the anxiety of a cluttered lounge will cause him to snap. In turn, Phil can only stay up late so many nights in a row, rubbing Dan’s back and talking him down about work and school before he needs a night alone in his own bed. But their resolutions and apologies always come quickly, always with assurances that the other’s flaws only serve to make them more endearing. Dan loves Phil’s particular brand of awkward clumsiness; Phil loves Dan’s ability to feel every emotion to its full capacity.

 

Dan worries about school—a lot. His mind swims with it at night, when he’s lying in bed, listening to Phil snore quietly beside him. He thinks of how terrible it will feel to be back in the halls of university, hearing uninspired words go in one ear and out the other while he wills his eyes not stay closed for too long. He also pictures with excruciating clarity the look of disappointment on his father’s face, the sound of disapproval in his mother’s voice when he tells them he’s not going to be a lawyer after all. On nights like these, when he’s managed to choke back the fear convincingly enough for Phil to fall asleep, he turns to Rain.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: i can't sleep again_

**_Rain_ ** _: school?_

**_Dan_ ** _: yeah_

**_Rain_ ** _: phil asleep?_

**_Dan_ ** _: yeah_

**_Rain_ ** _: what does he think about all this_

**_Dan_ ** _: he tells me i should do what makes me happy_

**_Rain_ ** _: that's probably good advice_

**_Dan_ ** _: probably?_

**_Rain_ ** _: i mean, of course. you should do what you feel is right_

**_Dan_ ** _: those aren't really the same thing though, are they? not necessarily_

**_Rain_ ** _: i guess they're not_

**_Dan_ ** _: will you just tell me what you really think please?_

**_Rain_ ** _: i think phil is in love with you and wants you to be happy_

**_Dan_ ** _: but you don't think his advice is good?_

**_Rain_ ** _: i think MAYBE there is more to think about than JUST happiness, you know? like, school doesn't make me happy either. i'd be HAPPIER to quit school and travel the world but sometimes you have to think about what is best in the long run._

**_Dan_ ** _: right._

**_Rain_ ** _: don't be mad. i'm not saying he's wrong, or that i don't want you to be happy._

**_Dan_ ** _: what are you saying_

**_Rain_ ** _: i'm saying you need to think of how you will feel about things once you drop out. will the guilt overwhelm the relief? will the fear of what to do next be worth not having to go to a boring class?_

**_Dan_ ** _: it's more than that though.._

**_Rain_ ** _: well explain it to me_

**_Dan_ ** _: it's not like i can't sit through the classes or force myself to write the papers or cram for the tests... i mean i fucking hate all of it but i could do it. i just.. don't want to be a lawyer. just the thought makes me fucking cringe. every day i'm there just makes me feel like i'm wasting the best years of my life when i could be doing something i actually care about_

**_Rain_ ** _: like what?_

**_Dan_ ** _: like..._

**_Rain_ ** _: ??_

**_Dan_ ** _: you're gonna take the piss_

**_Rain_ ** _: i won't i swear_

**_Dan_ ** _: like youtube_

**_Rain_ ** _: really? you like it that much??_

**_Dan_ ** _: yeah. i can do whatever i want on there. i can talk about something serious or something stupid or weird and i get to be in control. no one else tells me what to say or how to say it.. i get to be myself and people actually like me for it_

**_Rain_ ** _: that's amazing. but what if it doesn't work out? what if people stop caring? phil has a degree, right? so he'd be ok.._

**_Dan_ ** _: yeah. this is basically where i get stuck every time_

**_Rain_ ** _: well you could always choose a different degree._

**_Dan_ ** _: yeah. what would i do though?_

**_Rain_ ** _: i don't know dan. i'm sorry. i wish i had better advice._

 

"Dan?" Phil's quiet voice in the darkness makes Dan jump.

 

"Fuck me, Phil, you scared me."

 

"Didn't I do that already? Why are you still awake?"

 

"Shut up." He can't help smiling just a little.

 

"Have you been awake this whole time?"

 

Dan thinks about lying. It'd be kinder at this point not to infect Phil with his festering anxiety. He knows Phil cares, that Dan's pain becomes Phil's pain. He also knows that Phil can almost always tell when Dan is lying. “Yeah.”

 

“You talking to Rain?”

 

“Uh huh.”

 

“Make any progress?”

 

Dan turns off his phone and puts it on the nightstand. “Not really. She’s not as nice as you.”

 

“How d’you mean?”

 

“She said it’s not enough to just do what makes me happy. I have to think about the future.”

 

Phil is quiet for a minute before he answers. “That’s true. But what kind of future will it be if you’re not happy?”

 

Dan doesn’t say anything else, just rolls over onto Phil’s chest, cradling his face and chasing the hope that lingers on his lips.

 

*

 

“Are you nervous?” They’re stood on the platform, waiting for Rain’s train to pull into the station.

 

Dan shakes his head. “Why would I be?”

 

Phil shrugs. “I am.”

 

Dan bumps his shoulder into Phil’s. “Don’t be. She’s gonna love you.” He reaches for Phil’s hand, stopping himself just as their pinkies touch. He wants to lace his fingers between Phil’s, but it’s midday on a Saturday and the station is bustling with people and he hasn’t found it in himself to be brave about this sort of thing yet. He lets his finger rest against Phil’s for a minute as he looks into those deep blue eyes and he knows Phil understands.

 

“You think?”

 

Dan shakes his head again. “I know.”

 

“I never know what to say when I meet new people. I’m always so awkward.”

 

“You weren’t with me,” Dan tries to reassure him.

 

Phil chuckles. “I was. You must be forgetting.”

 

“I think I was distracted by how much I liked you.”

 

Phil smiles and it’s such a dazzling sight that Dan can’t help reaching out and giving his hand a quick squeeze.

 

Ten minutes later the train pulls in and Dan nudges Phil when he sees Rain step down onto the platform. She looks beautiful as ever, straight, blonde hair reaching just to her shoulders, full pink lip caught between her teeth as her eyes skim the crowd. She’s wearing a grey hoodie and tight black jeans cropped above the ankles and bright white tennis shoes not unlike Phil’s. Even now, a year removed from the relationship and quite deeply in love with someone else, Dan can admit that objectively, she really is a showstopper.

 

“You didn’t tell me she was a model,” Phil hisses quietly.

 

Dan laughs, waving his hands in the air until he catches her eye. “She’s too short to be a model.”

 

“Hey nerd,” she says warmly when she finally makes her way through the throngs. She stretches out her arms and stands on her tip-toes, still only reaching the middle of his chest as he hugs her tightly.

 

Dan lets her go and gestures to Phil, who’s looking nervous with his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his jeans. “This is Phil.”

 

“I finally get to meet the legend,” she smiles. “Bloody hell, you’re almost as tall as Dan. Come ‘ere,” she says, standing on her toes again as she reaches for a hug.

 

“Sorry,” Phil laughs and he wraps his arms around her shoulders and embraces her even more tightly than Dan had.

 

“Alright lads, take me somewhere there’s food, I’m fucking starving.”

 

They spend the next few hours showing her the sights of their city. Ever the gentleman, Phil carries her backpack and pays for her food and always opens every door for her. They eat greasy pizza and ride the Manchester Eye and eventually, just in time to catch the sunset, they take her to the Hilton skybar.

 

They’re sat by the enormous window, sipping their overpriced cocktails. Rain is still looking around in awe. “I feel like I’m on a date. A three-way date with my ex and his boyfriend. This is so weird.”

 

Dan laughs. “Phil brought me here once. Before anything happened.”

 

She looks at Phil incredulously. “You brought him here _not_ on a date?”

 

Phil nods sheepishly.

 

“Before anything happened?”

 

Phil nods again.

 

She looks at Dan. “And you didn’t get together immediately? What the hell is wrong with you, mate? A bloody gorgeous man takes you to the most romantic place I’ve ever seen and you had the nerve to come crying to me about being confused?”

 

Dan buries his face in his hands.

 

“You did?” Phil looks at Dan in surprise.

 

Dan shoots Rain a look. “I did.”

 

“I never heard the end of it, Phil, honestly,” she says, ignoring Dan as he glares at her. “It was painful to listen to. I knew he was into you before he’d even bloody moved in with you.”

 

“You fucking did not,” Dan protests. He looks over at Phil, who’s smiling ear to ear.

 

“Yes I fucking did, Daniel. You’ve always been good at denying yourself the things that will make you the happiest.”

 

Dan frowns. Perhaps their drinks are a little stronger than he’d realized.

 

Phil looks at Rain. “Are you saying I make Dan the happiest?”

 

“Shut up, Phil,” Dan squawks.

 

Rain reaches across the table and places her hand over Phil’s. “That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

 

*

 

It’s late. They’re all sat together on the sofa, sleepily watching the end of a dumb romantic comedy. The floor is littered with their half empty wine glasses and the scattered remains of their highly competitive game of Scrabble. Dan is curled up against the arm of the sofa, knees pulled up to his chin. Phil is sat in the opposite corner, long legs outstretched, feet up on the coffee table, arm wrapped loosely around Rain’s shoulders. Rain’s head is nuzzled against Phil’s chest and Dan’s heart feels so full it might burst.

 

Rain yawns. “You blokes are vampires. I need to sleep.”

 

Dan stretches out his legs and stands up. “I’ll fix up my bed for you.” He sees Rain wrinkle her nose. “Shut up, the sheets are clean, I’m going to get them out of the dryer right now.”

 

She smiles, curling up even more tightly against Phil’s body. “Thanks, Howell.”

 

He fishes his sheets out of the dryer and carries them to his room. He makes the bed and shoves his dirty laundry into the closet before giving the room a quick once-over, lest there be anything incriminating lying around. He can hear quiet murmuring drifting down the hall. Once he’s satisfied the room is worthy of being inhabited by a woman, he pads sleepily down the hall and back into the lounge.

 

Rain isn’t snuggled up against Phil anymore. She’s sitting cross-legged on the sofa, body turned to face him. She’s holding his hand and Phil is smiling at her.

 

“Room’s ready,” Dan murmurs.

 

“Ok. Goodnight, Phil.” She leans forward and hugs him tightly. “I expect you to make me pancakes in the morning, young man.”

 

“I promise,” Phil chuckles against her hair.

 

She stands up and looks at Dan and he could swear her green eyes are glistening with moisture. “Come on, mate. Show me your room.” She takes his hand and waits for him to lead her down the hall. “Oh and by the way, if you lovebirds fuck tonight, do it quietly, ok? I really don’t ever need to hear that.”

 

Dan shoots a glance at Phil and knows instantly he’ll be coming with Phil’s fingers in his mouth tonight.

 

When they reach his room Rain sits on the edge of the bed and pats the space next to her. Dan sits. “You ok?” He asks.

 

She nods her head and the tear that rolls down her cheek is unmistakeable.

 

“What happened?” Dan asks, bewildered.

 

She laughs, wiping her nose with the sleeve of her hoodie. “Nothing. Me and Phil just had a nice chat is all.”

 

“About what?”

 

“That’s between me and him,” she smiles, taking his hand again and holding it in her lap. She rests her head against his shoulder and whispers, “Do you know how lucky you are?”

 

“I do,” he replies softly.

 

“Don’t let this one get away, Dan.”

 

Dan smiles, squeezing her hand. “I won’t. He’s stuck with me forever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow. i can't believe it's over. thank you all so much for reading and commenting and joining me on this journey. i appreciate you all so much <33 
> 
> as always, come say hi on tumblr :)


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